


Autopilot

by fantasycloud



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Smut, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Inspired by The Obsession by Nora Roberts, It's an awesome book, Mental Health Issues, Multi, One Big Happy Family, Slow Burn, Suicide, everyone's in it - Freeform, no one's dead, this is my baby
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-11 06:15:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 19
Words: 129,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28466655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fantasycloud/pseuds/fantasycloud
Summary: Seven year old Alexandria Forest follows her dad out one stormy night and discovers that he’s been keeping a young woman captive. She helps her to safety and notifies the police of what she’s seen. That morning they arrest Titus Forest who they later identify as a man who’s responsible for over thirty murders. All young females, all in the same gruesome and inhuman way. Alexandria and her remaining family are taken in by their estranged Uncle’s, get new identities and tries to forget about the horror that happened that summer night.Nearly twenty years later firefighter Lieutenant Lexa Woods returns to her hometown. She buys a house with the intention of rebuilding it, just as she intended to do with her life. On one of her first days back she runs into Clarke Griffin, doctor by day and artist by night. She’s swept off her feet in an instant. But she should know better than to relax all of the safety measures she’d put up, trouble always finds her...A story based on “The Obsession” by Nora Roberts. I own nothing but the writing.
Relationships: Anya/Raven Reyes, Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Gustus/Nyko (The 100), Octavia Blake/Lincoln
Comments: 301
Kudos: 556





	1. A Summer Storm 1997

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! Happy New Year!
> 
> Let's say real quick that 2020 was a very weird and annoying year, but during my self inflicted sort of quarantine I started working on this little story which very fast became my baby. Thank you for clicking on just this one! This is a story based on one of my favourite books and I hope that you will enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. You're in for one hell of a ride. I have about half or so finished so I plan on posting weekly, but I'll be uploading chapter 2 in a few days :)
> 
> I've created an instagram acc for this fic where I'll be posting sneak peeks, song suggestions, update info and stuff like that, feel free to follow me! @ao3fantasycloud
> 
> Alright, I'll let you get to it now, and again, Happy New Year!! XO - fantasycloud

Alexandria Forest is only seven when she awoke one morning to thunder and rain, anxiously awaiting for the morning to arrive, because then it would only be one more day until she could call herself eight. That’s right, Alexandria Forest would no longer be seven, she would be eight. Eight was so much better than being seven. Or so she believed, since she’d never actually been eight. But her older sister, Anya, had told her that, over and over again, so then it must be true.

A bolt of lightning came crashing through the sky and Alexandria sighed, letting her thin arms rest on the windowsill and her wild curly hair fan out over her back. She loved thunderstorms. She loved the loud noises that came from the sky that made the earth shake and the plates rattle in the cupboard. It looked so cool every time the lightning crashed through the clouds, like a spark of electricity just covered a big chunk of the sky. And the rain. Oh, she just loved the rain. 

But strangely, no rain came with this thunderstorm. Only stickling, moist heat.

That must’ve been why she woke up, she noticed the uncomfortable way her night shirt clung to her chest, how her hair had become damp where it had rested on the pillow. She sighed again and made herself ready to go back into the uncomfortable bed because she knew that daddy didn’t like it when she stayed up late into the night, when a flash caught her eye. 

At first she thought it was another lightning bolt so she peered curiously up into the sky, but quickly noticed that the light she’d seen came from the light of a flashlight.

She felt her heartbeat increase as she tiptoed quietly back to the window to get a better look. Who was wandering around here at this hour, in the middle of a storm? She was just about to go and wake her mama up, when a flash of actual lightning lit up the surroundings, making the person visible.

Daddy?

Alexandria was confused. Why would daddy be out here? The clock only said four o’clock, or maybe hers had run out of batteries? Because in all of her seven years on this earth, almost eight, no one was ever allowed to get out of bed before six in the morning, and before anything fun could happen the chores must be done. That included going outside for her and her siblings. 

Since she was only seven, she only took care of sweeping the kitchen floor and helping setting the table at dinnertime, and feeding the dog. Her older sister Anya had a worse deal, she had to help mama prepare dinner, do the dishes and help with the laundry. But Lincoln, her younger brother, was only five. He didn’t have to do anything, only picking up after himself. 

So what was daddy doing up, out of bed, before the sun was even up? And why did he have a flashlight? With a jolt, Alexandria realized that on her wishlist, she’d written up that she wanted a bike. She’d outgrown that old rackety thing with three wheels, she wanted a new, shiny red bike, with two wheels. 

A big bike for a big girl.

Maybe daddy was going out to the shed to put her bike together, and that he only woke up super early and broke the rules just so that she wouldn’t notice?

With her heart racing in her chest and her breath coming through her mouth in small, fast puffs, she made her way across the house, quiet as a mouse. She slipped into some flip flops by the door and shrugged on her green raincoat, just in case it started to rain. She quickly opened the front door and slipped out, shutting the door quickly behind her making sure to not let it swing open all of the way because of a guaranteed screeching noise that would follow. 

Alexandria knew that she was being a naughty girl right now, but she would just follow her daddy to the shed and peek through the window to make sure that she was right, then she would sneak right back and crawl into bed before he would notice. 

She just wanted a peek, that’s all.

She sprinted quietly to where she’d spotted her daddy only a minute before from her window, and squinted a bit before finding the light coming from the flashlight. He was a bit into the woods, but she knew these woods. She and her siblings often played here, when they had done their chores and homework, and were allowed into the woods.

She kept enough distance to see where he was headed, but he wouldn’t be able to hear or see her.

After walking for what she estimated was about half an hour, she began to feel that there was something not right about all of this. Even in the mind of a seven year old, this caused some warning signals to flare up. They had passed the point where they weren’t allowed to cross a long time ago, and even if she wanted to turn back now, she wouldn’t be able to find her way back. Plus, it was pitch black, except for the flashlight. 

When her daddy finally slowed down, she peered ahead and noticed that they’d reached a small reddish shed. It looked old, the paint was fading, the window to the left of the door was cracked and dusty, and the door was a little crooked. 

She hastily crouched down behind a smaller evergreen tree when daddy turned around. And just for a moment, she could see his face when a flash appeared in the sky above and lit up their surroundings. And for the first time in her seven year old life, Alexandria felt true fear. Because that man over there, he didn’t look like her daddy at all, but the man still wore her daddy’s appearance. The look on his face, it was pure evil. But it was her daddy, she would know him anywhere, and while he was stern, he was just making sure that they knew hard work. But he wasn’t evil. 

Not like this.

But as quickly as he’d turn, he turned back to the shed and disappeared into it. And surely, surely that look on his face had just been a trick of the light. Yes, she thought. That made sense, just a weird light that had cast some unnatural shadows over his face, making it look evil.

Alexandria stayed crouched down behind the evergreen, not daring to make herself visible in case he came back out. Evil or not, if her daddy found out she’d followed him this far out in the woods at four o’clock in the morning, she wouldn’t get any birthday presents. She wouldn’t get any dinner for a week either, and no play time until christmas. No, best to stay hidden.  
Alexandria stayed crouched down so long her knees ached. She should have gone to the bathroom when she woke up. Her bladder was threatening to empty itself any minute, but she was holding it in. She had been sitting there for what felt like an hour, but her daddy could come out any minute now.

Just as she was about to pull down her pants and let her bladder have its way, the door swung open.

She peered through the branches of the evergreen, and instantly regretted doing so. His eyes flashed wild, and he bore a smile so wicked it sent shivers up her spine. This was no trick of the light. 

That was not the daddy she knew. 

Her daddy taught Lincoln how to play baseball on Saturdays, he sat with Anya and helped her with her maths homework and he had helped Alexandria to teach her dog how to play catch.  
Her daddy was someone nice. So it couldn’t be her daddy standing in front of her now. But he had the same old jacket on, and the same boots. She knew because she’d had to wash them several times when he’d come home if it had been raining out. She knew, because she was seven years old and she just knew.

But, she was only seven years old, and she couldn’t process what she was seeing. So, when her daddy took long, striding steps away from the shed after closing the door, she stayed put. She didn’t follow him and the safety of the flashlight, she stayed until it felt like her legs had frozen into place. But after a while, she couldn’t hold it anymore. She lowered her pants and finally just let go of what she had held in. And when she pulled up her pants again, she felt just a little bit better.

Maybe the heat of this summer storm was making her see things that weren’t actually there. Yes, that made sense. If daddy knew what she had been thinking, she would get a scolding. How could she have thought of her daddy as evil? She shook her head a bit and focused on the small shed.

Alexandria looked wistfully at the direction of the house, but she glanced curiously back to the shed again. What was her daddy doing in there for so long? Could he have been putting together her bike after all? Was this his secret shed he only went to when he was putting together surprises for them, so that they wouldn’t see by accident while playing?

Even though her brain somewhere knew she shouldn’t be looking into that shed, she inched herself forward and peered into the shed through the broken window. Pitch black. Okay, she thought. Maybe if she just opened the door, just a little bit. And she would just look at the bike, she wouldn’t touch it.

Only look.

She pulled the old door open, but was met only with a cold cement floor and a hatch made of some metal. Again, curiosity took over and she crouched down and pulled at the hatch, heaved it open, revealing a staircase leading underground. Her heart rate had once again picked up speed and she could almost feel it in her throat, but she quietly snuck down the stairs. But for some reason, the anticipation of what she would find down there had turned from an excited feeling to a feeling of dread. 

And once she reached the bottom and turned to face the small room, her seven year old self couldn’t really take in what her eyes were registering. Because what she was seeing didn’t make sense. This didn’t exist in her head, and this certainly wasn’t her daddy. 

But it was real, as real as she was. That much she understood. She didn't need to understand more.

To her right was the rest of a small, dark room. There was a hard metal desk, some parts had rusted right off, with some tools on it that hadn’t been taken care of either. On the wall above the desk sat a board filled with pictures. Horrible pictures with girls who’d been hurt.

Alexandria looked away, suddenly feeling a lot smaller than seven years old. And that was when her eyes got adjusted to the dark and saw the bed. The bed looked like one of those you’d see in prison movies, made out of a metal frame with only a thin layer of fabric as a mattress. It looked so cold, she thought.

And on top of the bed…

Alexandria drew in a sharp breath.

On top of the bed lay a girl. It looked as though she was sleeping, but from years of practicing to look like she was sleeping, Alexandria knew she was only pretending. She was too still, her breathing too shallow.

Alexandria inched forward toward the girl, and once she got closer, she almost closed her eyes. The girl on the bed was hurt, badly. Her seven year old self could see that much. She had no clothes on and on her body lay a thin layer of sweat, in some areas it was mixed with blood. Alexandria had to hold her breath so that she wouldn’t be sick. When taking in the woman's body, she noticed the ropes that tied her to the bed.

“Where i-is he?” She heard her wheeze. Alexandria froze. “Is h-he c-c-coming back-k?” The woman stuttered so much that Alexandria thought that she must be cold. While taking in her appearance, she hadn’t noticed that the woman had opened her eyes. They were crystal blue. Alexandria could only shake her head.

“Q-quick. We have t-to be quick. P-please,” she whimpered. And Alexandria found herself moving as on autopilot. For years to come, she wouldn’t know how her seven year old self had been able to keep that level of calm in that moment, but she did. She found an old and rusty saw and sawed at the ropes when she’d realized that her thin arms weren’t strong enough to untie the knots that had been made. And as she was sawing through the ropes, a scary realization arose in her mind. All of those pictures of all of those women. All of them had been taken in the exact same place. This place. On this bed. Which made her suspect that the rust on the desk and on the tools weren’t rust at all, but dried blood.

She swallowed down the sick in her throat and sawed on faster. She sawed and sawed until blisters appeared on her small fingers and palms, but she didn’t stop until all of the knots were no longer tying her to the bed, and the woman could bring her arms up to cover herself.

“W-what’s your name?” She sounded a bit better now, she thought.

She answered also on auto pilot. “Alexandria. Alexandria Forest.” Her tone rang out crystal clear in the dark. How did she sound so okay?

“C-Costia,” she let out. “My n-name is Costia. Costia Green. Do you k-know where we are Alexandria? I-I think t-that I have b-been down here I w-while. God, I’m s-so thirsty.” 

“I can take you to the sheriff’s station, but we have to move quickly,” Alexandria said and shrugged off her raincoat and handed it to her. “He can come back.”

The raincoat was a bit small on her, but it would have to do. They had no choice. 

He could come back.

Her daddy could come back.


	2. Fanta Orange

Alexandria didn’t know how long they trekked through the woods. She only knew that they had to keep going. It was starting to get lighter out, and she was only seven. Her mama would notice that she wasn’t in her bed, and she would ask daddy if he had seen her.

Her daddy would start looking for her, and he would find that her flip flops were missing.

And that would be bad. Very, very bad.

“Come on,” she said to Costia. “We’re almost there.”

“I’m so tired,” Costia said back and leaned on Alexandria’s side. Alexandria had had to support her weight ever since leaving the red shed. Sweat was running down her back, but she didn’t care. They had to get to sheriff Tanner’s office before daddy knew she was gone.

“We’re almost there,” she said again. 

They walked as fast as they could, but since Costia didn’t have any shoes on and only her raincoat for cover, they had to be careful where they stepped so that she didn’t hurt her feet or scratch her legs. Alexandria knew where they were now. She chose to stick with the woods for as long as they could, so that her daddy wouldn’t see them, or so the neighbours wouldn’t either.  
“I think,” Costia said, “I was taken on a wednesday. I was out jogging in the woods. I had earplugs on,” she said and shivered.

“It’s sunday today,” Alexandria said.

“Sunday,” Costia repeated.

They walked about another mile in the woods before reaching the edge of the forest. Since it was sunday, most folks in town would be sleeping in until at least eight. Sunday services weren't until ten o’clock in their small town, and on sundays no one worked except for the people at the grocery store, the library and the sheriff’s station. Everyone would still be at home, no one would see them crossing the town square. 

“Come on,” Alexandria said. “The sheriff’s station is right across the square. You can see it. Do you see it? That white building with the star on the glass door? And the police car parked outside? That car belongs to sheriff Tanner, I think,” Alexandria said and urged her on. “Sheriff Tanner is nice, he always says hello to everyone with a nod with his hat.”

“He sounds nice,” Costia said. “God. I hope he has water. I’m so thirsty.”

“I’m sure that sheriff Tanner has water,” she said and suddenly, they’d reached the door. 

She pulled the door open and she was just about to call out for sheriff Tanner when a woman at the desk cried out.

“Oh my stars, what ever happened?” She rushed forward and helped Costia. “My dear, how did you end up like this? You just look awful!”

“It was my daddy m’am,” Alexandria said with her heart in her chest. “I’m so sorry, I know I shouldn’t have followed him, but I just wanted to see if I would get a red bike on my birthday! But I couldn’t find my way back, you see, so I stayed until after he’d left the shed. I didn’t know, m’am, I swear it. I swear it on my mama’s life that I didn’t know. Please, you have to help her. You have to help Costia. And go and ask if daddy did it. I don’t understand. My daddy couldn’t have done this, but I saw him come out and-”

“Okay honey,” the woman in police uniform said, placing a warm and comforting hand on her arm. “Hang on. Tanner! Hold on just a moment, sweetheart.” She called for Tanner who came out through his office, and he only took one look at the three of them before rushing over.

“What happened?”

“Take the dear into your office, and get her something to drink,” she said and mouthed something to him in return. “And send someone to the Forest’s residence.”

“Please, hurry, before he knows that I went out into the woods. Gosh, there were so many pictures,” Alexandria said with the tears hot in her throat. “I think my daddy has done this before.”

The police woman and sheriff Tanner shared a look with on another. “Yeah, I’m going. Claire, can you call for backup from Sherrywood and Oakland?”

“Yes sheriff,” she said and ushered Costia into another room. 

Tanner crouched down so that he was on eye level with her. “Alexandria, is it?” Alexandria nodded. “Okay Alexandria. You may not feel like it, but you are one brave little girl. But I’m going to have to ask you to be brave for a little while longer. Okay?” She nodded. He led her into his office and lifted her small frame into his soft chair behind his desk. He went over to the fridge and, after some consideration, pulled a fanta orange from it. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t have any juice,” he said and opened the soda with a fuzz. “Drink this, and wait for me ‘til I get back. Can you do that? I’ll be right back. If you need anything, you just call for Claire, okay?”

Alexandria nodded again. Sheriff was almost at the door, when he looked back. Alexandria knows what she must look like. Hair wild with lots of leaves and things from the woods, arms dirty with some patches of blood where Costia had leaned on her, and only in her night clothes. 

Then he dashed off and a second later she could hear the police car rolling out of the driveway.

And off to get her daddy.

Alexandria had an awful feeling in her stomach. She didn’t know what to believe, what was real and what wasn’t. Her daddy couldn't have hurt all those women. But why else would he have come out of the shed? She took a sip of the fanta orange and felt even worse than she already did. She wasn’t allowed her own soda. Not even on Fridays, she was only allowed one sip of daddy’s when he had one. 

Feeling all sorts of things, she picked up the bottle again and took another sip. And another, and another, until suddenly there was no more soda to be drunk. The aftertaste in her mouth was sweet, much too sweet for her liking. She again began worrying about what she’d done. Her daddy would be so mad with her.

How would it be tonight, at dinner? Would she be forced to eat in her room? Would mama come and tuck her in, or would she be mad with her too?

Suddenly, she heard someone cry. Was it Costia? Alexandria walked quietly out of sheriff Tanner’s office and peered into the room where Costia was. Someone had given her a gown to have on, and she had a phone clutched in her hand pressed against her ear.

“Yeah, I’m okay mom. M-hm. No, a little girl helped me. Oh, mom,” she cried, and Alexandria looked away. She knew that grown ups didn’t like it when kids listened in on their phone calls. 

Just then, the door banged open, and Alexandria backed up so that her back was against sheriff Tanner’s office wall. In through the doors came no more than five officers and sheriff Tanner, and in between them…

“I’m going to kill you!” He shouted and twisted this way and that. One of the officers holding one of his arms twisted it more tightly behind his back, and the man in between them growled. It made Alexandria shrink back, suddenly wishing she was invisible.

“Huh, do you hear me? I’ll kill all of you!”

Then the man looked her way and his face darkened, and Alexandria felt herself sway on her feet. That was no stranger.

The man that acted like a feral animal fighting for its life in between the officers, that was her daddy.

Alexandria didn’t have any strength to hold herself up anymore. She didn’t remember falling, she only remembered hitting her head on the floor and sheriff Tanner’s high voice.

When she comes to, she’s sitting up and someone is dabbing her forehead with something cold. She blinks a few times until a friendly face comes into focus.

“Oh, sweetie,” says Mrs Blake. “How are you feeling?”

She didn’t see Mrs Blake come in, but with everything that was happening, honestly anyone could pass by her and she wouldn’t notice.

Mrs Blake was one of her neighbours, she lived four houses away from them and sometimes when she was over with Anya for a playdate with Mrs Blake’s kids, Bellamy and Octavia, she gave them freshly made lemonade. Bellamy and Octavia were the same ages as them, Anya and Bellamy were eleven and Alexandria and Octavia were seven. Lincoln was still a bit too small to come and play, but they’d promised him that when summer had passed, he could come too. 

“I’m-” Alexandria said, but paused. “I don’t know. I’m so confused. Can you tell me what happened? Daddy didn’t look all too nice when he came in, and I’m sure he’s very upset with me. But I don’t know what to believe.”

“I’m sure that sheriff Tanner will come soon, my dear,” Mrs Blake said with a sad smile and stroked back her hair. “Is it okay if I comb through your hair?”

“Alright,” she said and they walked over so that she could sit in a chair. And when Mrs Blake started running her fingers through her hair, Alexandria felt those hot tears in her throat again.

“It was so scary,” she whispered. “I know it’s wrong of me to think of my daddy this way, Mrs Blake, but it was like looking the Devil in the eye,” she said and shuddered. “And I’m sure that this will prevent me from going to heaven, but I haven’t seen anyone looking so wicked before.”

This paused her hands. Alexandria froze. Here it would come, she thought. She would finally get the whooping she deserved for thinking those things. But Mrs Blake only crouched down with tears in her eyes in front of her and spoke to her in a soft, but determined voice.

“Listen to me Alexandria Forest. You are not a bad girl. What you saw tonight, what you did tonight, that saved a young woman’s life. You, my darling sweet girl, are a hero. Your daddy, it’s him who’s a wicked man. Do you hear me? You are a brave, heroic girl,” and leaned forward and placed a kiss on her forehead. “Don’t let anyone tell you anything different.”

She held Alexandria’s gaze for a moment more before standing up and picking up where she left off with her hair. She sat in that chair with Mrs Blake’s hands combing through her hair for some time. It felt so nice, that she felt that she might doze off. But just as she was about to close her eyes, the door flew up again and a frantic voice was heard.

“Titus? Oh God, Titus, where are you?” And in came her mama with Anya and Lincoln in tow, still dressed in their night clothes. Then her mama got sight of her, and she marched straight over.  
“Alexandria?” She said with a voice close to desperation. “Honey, what are you saying? There telling me that you were here spreading all sorts of things about your daddy. They’re telling me that you said that he has...people...tied up. How can you say such horrible things?”

Alexandria looked her mama in the eye. “Because I saw him, mama.”

“Where did you see him? Honey, did you have a nightmare? Oh honey, I’m sure we can fix this right up-”

“No, mama, I followed daddy out in the woods. I waited and waited for him to come out of the shed. And then I went down, and I helped Costia get here so that she could call her mama.”  
“No, no that can’t be. Costia? Who’s Costia?” Her mama said bewildered.

“The girl who I helped get free from all of the knots. Mama, she was tied to the bed without any clothes on! And she was hurt bad mama. It was daddy, I saw him.”

“No, no… How could you say such bad things?” She said and took a step back.

“M’am,” Mrs Blake said. Alexandria hadn’t noticed, but her hands had gone from her hair to a firm grip on her shoulders. “Mrs Forest, let’s just sit down and wait for sheriff Tanner. I’m sure he’ll be in any second now to explain things for y’all.”

And as if on cue, in strode Tanner. With his eyes grim and his set face, Alexandria knew that she’d been right.

What a horrible, horrible girl she was.

“M’am,” he said and gestured to the chair behind mama. “Please take a seat. Mrs Blake, could you be so kind and take Anya and Lincoln out and get breakfast? I’ll walk Alexandria out to you guys in a bit, but I think Mrs Forest will need to hear this from her daughter.”

“No,” Anya said and stepped forward. She took her hand in Alexandria’s protectively and put down her foot. “If my sister’s staying, I’m staying. I’m not hungry, I can wait.”

Sheriff Tanner thought for a moment, then nodded. “Alright, Mrs Blake, please wait with Lincoln outside.”

She nodded and put a comforting arm around Lincoln’s shoulders. He was getting tall, even for a five year old. 

When they had gone out of sheriff Tanner’s office, he closed the door and went behind his desk to sit down. “Okay, Alexandria. Could you please tell me about what you’ve just been through? I’m so sorry to have to be asking about this now as I’m sure you’re tired and hungry, but it’s better this way. Could you take me through what happened?”

Alexandria drew in a breath and looked up, and nodded. And then she began to speak.

She kept her voice calm and controlled. She started with the thunderstorm that had woken her up. She told him about the flashlight and about trekking several miles into the woods. She told him about for the first time being frightened by her daddy and told him about the waiting. She told him about going down those steps, and only a shudder went through her body as she told him about the photos on the walls.

“It must have been at least thirty photos, at least,” she told him and heard her mama’s soft cries.

Then she told him about helping Costia get freed from the bed and helping her walk through the forest, all of those miles back through the forest and then some to reach the sheriff’s station.  
“I’m sorry, sheriff Tanner,” she said when she was done. “I was only following daddy because, you see, I turn eight tomorrow and I had wished for a red bike. I thought that he might’ve been out in the shed to put the bike together, that’s why I followed daddy. I’m very sorry for going so deep into the woods, but I was just so hoping for a bike. Please, I didn’t mean to go that far.”

Sheriff Tanner placed a hand on hers, and for a long time, he just held her gaze.

“Alexandria, tonight you became a hero. I don’t know how long this has been happening, but I know one thing. Costia would not be alive for much longer if you’d not followed your father into those woods. When you think of this day, many days from today, I want you to remember that I told you that you did nothing wrong. It might feel that way, for some time, but you did nothing wrong.”

Just then, a police officer opened the door to poke his head in.

“I’m sorry sheriff, but the officers and dog sniffers are here.”

Sheriff Tanner nodded, and looked back at Alexandria. “You remember that from today, you are a hero. Here, take my card,” he said and handed her a card with his name, address and phone number on it. “If you ever need to talk, you call me. Okay?” She nodded and put the card in the pocket put on the front of her night shirt.

Then he stood up and walked out with the other officer. He said something to Mrs Blake in passing, and she came back in and made them stand up, and took their mama by the hand.  
“Come now,” she said and walked them to the door. “Come, let’s go and get breakfast. The breakfast diner just opened, how about some pancakes?”

“Daddy only lets us eat pancakes on saturdays,” Lincoln said with his sweet, innocent voice. Mrs Blake looked at him, then at us, then she stroke the top of his head.

“How about we cheat today? My treat! We can get whatever you guys like for breakfast. C’mon, let’s go.”

And the five of them went out of the sheriff’s station, away from all of the bad that was currently crashing through their lives.

She thought about what both Mrs Blake and sheriff Tanner had said to her, about her being a hero. But as the five of them were walking out in the sun, with Anya as white as a sheet and Lincoln as quiet as a mouse, and with her mama quietly crying next to them, she didn’t feel even one bit like a hero.

No, she thought when another police car with flashing lights rode by them on the street and mama let out a cry. She was no hero. Not today, not ever. 

Because in one day, she had managed to destroy her whole family. Even though she was only seven, she knew that much.

She had a very hard time swallowing down her pancakes at breakfast, knowing that she was the reason behind her mama’s tears and Anya’s hollow eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we have it, the night that will come to haunt her throughout the story in different ways. Just a quick note, in this story she grew up in a southern christian household with a very strict father, I know that the way she expresses herself can be a bit over the top, but that is because that is all that she knows. You'll see that once she gets out of there, she'll start to talk more like the Lexa we all know and love.
> 
> Next chapter comes up next week! Do any of you have any preferred day or should I just pick one?


	3. Always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 3 is here everyone, and it's looong! I've decided on Wednesdays with the occasional surprise day, hope that works for everyone! ;)

Her mama ended up having to go back to the sheriff’s station after breakfast. It was something about daddy that they had to talk about and she left in a hurry. While she was gone, Mrs Blake took her, Anya and Lincoln back to her house to play with Bellamy and Octavia. 

“Do you think Bellamy can show me how to play Mario Kart on his playstation?” Lincoln said enthusiastically.

“I think that sounds like a wonderful idea,” Mrs Blake said and picked up the pace. Alexandria felt as if she’d aged ten years from yesterday to today. Yesterday all she could think about was her birthday, and the gifts she’d wished for. Today, all she could do was worry. Worry about what she’d caused today would do to her family.

For a seven year old, this felt like she suddenly had gotten the weight of the world on her shoulders.

When they reached her house, she was greeted with the sweet smell of all of the flowers that Mrs Blake spent all of her free time doting over. It made the whole garden look like a painting, which she told Mrs Blake.

“Why thank you dear,” she said with a smile. “I’ll get Bellamy and Octavia for you.”

She went inside and left the door open, leaving the decision up to them if they wished to follow or stay outside in the sun. Lincoln disappeared into the house instantly, and towards the direction of the playstation she assumed. She heard Bellamy greet him with a smile in his voice, he’d always been so patient with Lincoln even though he was six years older. 

But Alexandria guessed that playing Mario Kart wasn’t exactly rocket science, so their age gap probably wouldn’t matter. 

“Hey guys!” Octavia called out as she sprinted out of the house. “C’mon, let’s play soccer! Dad brought home a new football yesterday, c’mon guys!”

And thankful for something else to distract herself, Alexandria ran after Octavia with Anya on her heels. Until she felt Anya tug at her hair so that she fell down.

“Hey!”

“The game has only started, strik sister!”

Alexandria huffed out a frustrated sigh. “I’m gonna get you!”

“Don’t think so!” she shot back with a laugh. That only fuelled her irritation and just like that, the trials of that morning was pushed to the back of her mind and she had her full attention on the game. 

At the end, they didn’t really care about who shot the more goals, only how they each stole the ball from one another and which one of them could be in hold of it the longest. At lunch time Alexandria was drenched in sweat, and that’s when she noticed that she was still in her night shirt and pants. When they went into the kitchen for some mac and cheese that Mrs Blake had prepared, Alexandria walked up to her and had to ask if they had something to spare for them to wear.

“My goodness,” Mrs Blake said. “Of course dear, one moment.”

She dashed upstairs and came down again one second later with pants and shirts. “Here you go, try these and see if they fit. Lincoln, honey, I grabbed a pair of shorts and a shirt for you that I had packed away from when Bellamy was a bit younger, and since you’re tall, they should work. Here, Anya and Alexandria, shorts and t-shirts,” she said and gave them each some articles of clothing.

After they’d changed, had lunch and some of Mrs Blake’s homemade lemonade, they all felt instantly better. Alexandria had taken out the slip of paper that sheriff Tanner had given her, and put it in her back pocket. It somehow made her feel just a little bit safer with that close to her.

But then the doorbell rang. Mama came in escorted with an officer and told them that they had to go now to the house to pack up some clothes.

“Why?” Lincoln asked and Alexandria could tell that that was not a wanted question.

“Because we’re going to go and stay with Uncle Gustus for a while,” she said. “No more questions, hurry up now,” she said and when Alexandria looked up into her face she could tell that she had been crying.

So she just put Lincoln's shoes in front of him and put on her own dirty flip flops. “Thank you, Mrs Blake, for having us,” she said politely before leaving with mama.

“No dear,” Mrs Blake said. “Nothing to thank me for, take care now.”

“Bye!” Octavia called after them as they walked down the path down to the gate, and she waved back. The path was lined with a beautiful purple flower of some sort. They smelled amazing. She wished that they had a garden full of flowers.

There were a lot of things she wished for now, but she realized all too soon for a seven year old that those were just pointless to wish for. And with that thought, she was right back to the dread and hopelessness that she’d felt this morning.

They got to ride in the police car. The nice officer even let them put on the lights on the top, and for a little way, the sirens too. You could see that that made Anya’s entire day, her eyes just lit up. Anya had had her eyes set on becoming a detective for some time now, ever since she saw some cop show on the TV when daddy had put it on. She’d gotten a scolding though for watching, because the TV was only for daddy’s eyes and she was supposed to be cleaning.

That’s why she’d kept her dreams of becoming a detective a secret, from everyone except for Alexandria. Because according to their daddy only a man could become a detective. Or anything for that matter, girls, in their daddy’s eyes, were meant in the home. Cooking and cleaning.

Alexandria always complained about it, because it sounded so unfair. “Mama,” she would say every time the subject came up. “I’m just as good as a boy. Mama, if I work just as hard, why couldn’t I also become something?”

She never really got a straight answer, only that that wasn’t how they did things.

The police car rolled up onto their driveway, and Alexandria had to draw in a sharp breath. There were several police cars already parked outside, and someone had put up tejp all around their property. Some cops with dogs were walking around the house, and she could hear some of them in the woods.

“C’mon,” mama said and ushered them in the door. “Let’s be quick. Just grab some changes of clothes. Nothing else.”

“But what about my football?” Lincoln whined, but he was silenced with one look from their mama.

They hurried into their room, her and Anya, and started pulling clothes from their dresser. Alexandria grabbed the only pair of pants that she owned, a pair of shorts, and a couple dresses and shirts. She only hesitated for a moment before also stuffing her bear into the bag as well. No way that she was leaving Mr Bear here with all of these scary police men walking around all alone. 

When the two of them were done, they waited for mama to be finished packing before they could leave again.

“Mama, where does Uncle Gustus live?” She asked. They didn’t usually talk about Uncle Gustus, she just knew that mama had a brother, but they weren’t close.

“He lives just outside of Washington DC,” she said. He’s driving here, but we’re going to meet him on the way. That’s why this kind officer is driving us to the train station so that we can meet up with him.”

Alexandria looked back into the house before walking out of it. She knew somewhere inside of her seven year old brain that she wouldn’t come back here. And somehow, she wasn’t sad about it. 

They drove in silence to the train station. She could again hear the quiet cries from her mama, Anya was looking out the window and Lincoln was sitting with one of his action figures, Superman. She was just looking around, not really finding any interest in anything around her.

It felt as if she’d gone to bed as herself and woken up to someone else’s life. She was about to start second grade in the fall, and she’d been so happy because she and Octavia had been placed in the same class. Now all of that would change, too.

When they got to the train station, it was like all hell had broken loose. A swarm of reporters came rushing up as soon as they rolled up and she could hear how mama’s breath hitched.

“It’ll be okay mama,” she heard herself say. Moving as on autopilot, she squeezed mama's shoulder and took a hold of Lincoln’s hand. “Just keep on moving and don’t stop until we’re on the train.”

The officer looked back at her and smiled. “That’s right. I’m going to escort you up, but don’t stop, and whatever they ask you, don’t answer them. Okay?” Anya and herself nodded. “Alright then,” he said and stepped out of the car. He rounded it, told the reporters to back off, then he opened first mama’s door, then the door for them.

They got out of the car one by one, and Anya and Alexandria grabbed Lincoln with their hands so that the three of them would stick together. Mama just looked at them before beginning to stride towards the train.

Alexandria didn’t know it then, but that look in their mama’s eyes, that hollowed out look in her eyes would follow her for years and years to come. That look was only the beginning.

The reporters swarmed up all around them and shoved cameras and microphones in their faces.

_ “Which one of you was the one who caught him?” _

_ “How does it feel to know you’ve lived together with a serial killer?” _

_ “How can you live with yourselves?” _

Alexandria shied away from all of their questions and tried to tune out their voices to background noise while trying to keep up with the officer’s and mama’s long strides. She went into herself and tried to remember what her daddy once had told her about focusing.

_ “You have to tune out all of the noise around you. Then you have to focus on your goal, hard. Are you focusing? Alright, now picture it in your mind. Picture yourself accomplishing it. See? Now, keep focusing on that goal hard, and don’t stop until you’ve actually accomplished it. Remember, always have a goal in mind.” _

Now her only goal was the train. After that, she’d come up with a new goal. And life would keep on going.

They stepped on the train and said goodbye to the officer. 

“Wait!” Alexandria said and grabbed him by the hand as he went to leave. “I forgot to say goodbye to Costia,” she said and felt so dumb.

“Here,” he said and scribbled down a number on the back of a card he had in his pocket. “On the front is my number, but on the back there is a number to a friend of mine, a doctor, that works at the hospital. You give her a call and say that I, officer Grayson, gave you her phone number and I’m sure she can let the two of you talk.”

“Thank you, officer Grayson,” she said and put the second card she’d received that day in the back pocket of the shorts that wasn’t hers. Officer Grayson stepped off the train and just when they had found a couple seats, the train set in motion.

“ _ Good morning folks. This train from Charlotte, North Carolina, will pass through Raleigh, Enfeild, Halifax, Emporia, Petersburg, Richmond and Fredericksburg before reaching its destination, Washington D.C.. Welcome onboard the Amtrak trail.” _

“We’re getting off at Richmond,” their mama said with a hollow tone and looked out the window. Alexandria understood that that was all that was going to come out of mama’s mouth during this trip, so Alexandria just nodded and kept her eyes trained on the digital sign in the ceiling which announced the next station. She estimated that the train ride would take about an hour, give or take a few minutes. 

She’d only been in Washington DC once before, they were visiting Uncle Gus then, but the memory was vague. She’d been… What, four? She couldn’t remember, all she remembered was that when he’d picked her up and hugged her, she’d felt so safe in his big arms and felt all warm inside when he laughed. He had one of those laughs that just filled your entire being with that warm feeling.

They’d seen someone else then too, but all she could remember was Gustus holding hands with someone. She tried so hard to remember that she scrunched up her nose in concentration, which only made Anya poke at it and for Alexandria to playfully snap with her mouth at her finger, forgetting about the faceless person that had been with Uncle Gustus.

The train ride went from exciting to boring pretty fast. It was fun when they stopped at the different stops, to watch the station and see all of the different people that stepped on board the train. But when they went fast through the woods the color all blurred together, making her restless. She sighed and held out her hand towards Anya.

It was this thing between them, that they always played thumb war whenever they didn’t have anything better to do. Anya instantly took her hand in hers and without saying so much as a peep, they began. Their thumbs were used to the different movements and their brains knew the others' tricks. Anya usually ended up winning since she was some years older than her, but Alexandria never let that affect her. 

Strangely, today she won at least half of the rounds they did. Even Anya looked at her a bit differently after they finished. Maybe she could sense it as well, maybe she really had grown up over that night.

_ “Alright folks, in about five minutes we will be arriving at Richmond. Please make sure that you gather everything before stepping off the train, and thank you for riding with us today.” _

Alexandria stood up and pulled their two bags from the shelf behind her so that they were ready, then she sat down again and felt the train slowly slow down. Her mama still hadn’t looked up from the window, but that was okay. Alexandria was ready.

And when the train stopped, Anya and Lincoln stood up and Alexandria had to take mama’s hand so that she would follow them out onto the platform. They only had to look around once before a large man came into view and engulfed mama in a big hug.

“Oh gosh, Lenore,” Uncle Gustus said and just hugged her. “I’m so glad that you’re okay.”

Alexandria, Anya and Lincoln stood to the side and awkwardly clutched their two bags, not knowing what to say. But then he let her go and turned to them.

“Oh, how you all have grown,” he said with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “My my, Lincoln I haven’t seen you since you were a baby! And Lexi, my, you were only about this high,” he said and held up a hand maybe a foot shorter than what she was now. “And Anya,” he said, smiling softly. “You’ve grown into quite the lady now. Tell me, are you guys at all still into sports? I remember that when you visited last, we played football and basketball and soccer and anything we could get our hands on. You two were obsessed!”

Alexandria could tell that Uncle Gustus had Anya with the word ‘sports’. Daddy only let Anya and her play sports if it was to teach Lincoln, because playing sports was something only boys did. But daddy didn’t know that they always got to play sports over at the Blake’s house.

Anya nodded fast and smiled. “But I think I love soccer the most,” she said, flipping her hair over her shoulder.

Uncle Gustus laughed. “Oh, I wonder where you got that from. Your mother, my god, she could score ten goals in a minute if she wanted to,” he said, laughing. But that shocked me and Anya to the core.

“Mama?” Anya said, confused. “Mama doesn’t play sports. Only daddy.”

That stopped his laugh abruptly and something dark touched his eyes. “Never mind about that now,” he said and took the bags out of their hands. “C’mon, let’s go home. Nyko is home making some delicious food, I thought you all might be hungry.” 

They walked together and stopped at his car. It was one of those big cars with doors that glided alongside the car instead of swinging up.

“Can I shut it?” Lincoln asked excitedly, and Uncle Gustus was very kind and let Lincoln both close it and open it five times before it was time to go. Alexandria kept waiting for mama to tell him off, that that was not something that we did, but she just stared ahead. With those hollow, dark eyes of hers.

Alexandria wondered if she’d ever get rid of the dread that had taken up space in her stomach. But seeing how mama acted, and seeing everyone’s reaction to daddy, it certainly didn’t help the matter.

The drive from Richmond to Washington DC took about an hour, and in the hour they did a mix of talking, playing games and listening to loud music. Uncle Gustus, who refused to be called anything other than Uncle Gus, wanted to know about everything. What their favorite toys were, what their favorite dish was and what food they hated. He asked about school, what they liked and didn’t, about their friends and hobbies. But he didn’t touch sports again, Alexandria noticed.

And when he asked what they wanted to be when they grew up, Anya bravely said that she wanted to become a detective. And Uncle Gus gave her the warmest smile, and said that he believed that she would become a great one someday. From that very moment, Alexandria decided that she very much loved Uncle Gus.

Only they had Uncle Gus, things would be okay. And already some of the weight that had landed on her shoulders earlier that day seemed to lift off, and she could breathe a little bit easier.

When Uncle Gus pulled the car to a stop it was in front of a beautiful white victorian home that Alexandria could only have dreamed of living in. It had a gate in front of the path leading to the front door, and with a jolt she noticed that the path was lined with flowers.

Purple flowers.

She all but threw open the door.

“Woah,” Anya said and actually let her amazement show.

“Right,” said Alexandria.

“It’s massive.”

“Like a castle.”

“Better,” she said and turned with a grin. “It’s like a mansion.”

She thought for a moment. “Are you trying to trick me? How is a mansion better than a castle? Castle’s are bigger.”

“Castle’s are what fairytales are made of,” Anya said. “Mansions are real.”

Then she walked through the gate and Alexandria felt so taken aback by her comment that she paused for a second. Before following. Well, she guessed that was true on some levels. Here in America they didn’t have any castle’s, they’d never had any royalty.

But it wasn’t the mention of the castle that stopped her, it was the mention of the fairytale. Was this real? This right here, this wonderful house, with Uncle Gus and the four of them? And what about daddy? Even though she knew somehow that things would never be the same again, she couldn’t still quite grasp the level of seriousness to it.

“C’mon kiddo, it’s boiling out here!” Uncle Gus said with their bags in his left hand and took her hand in his right. “Let’s go inside.”

She smiled up at him and took Lincoln’s hand and together the three of them walked up the flower lined path up to the green door. And behind it…

Alexandria sucked in a breath. 

Anya had gotten it all wrong. This was no mansion. This was a  _ palace.  _ Never in her whole life did she believe that ordinary folks could have it this nice.

The floors were the original oak floors, and it was at least eight feet to the ceiling. The walls were painted a soft pale green color, the ceiling was white and on the wall facing the door stood a small table with a vase holding beautiful soft pink peonies on a white table cloth. She removed her flip flops and put them by the door, ready to explore the rest of the house.

“Hey, Lexi, come and meet Nyko!” Uncle Gus said, and Alexandria decided that the exploration could wait. She followed him into the kitchen, leaving her mama in the hallway. 

The deeper into the house, the more she fell in love with it. It was a perfect mix of deep and rich colors from paintings and furniture and, soft and pale colors from the carpets to the wallpapers. And suddenly they went through a big arch in the wall and, there was the kitchen.

Alexandria thought she might faint, again, because she had never witnessed a kitchen this perfect ever before. The kitchen cabinets were a deep green color, and the countertop was made of a light grey stone. On every cabinet and drawer there was a brass knob, and several of the cabinet doors were made out of glass so that you could see the porcelain stacked within them. Over the massive stove, she meant it, there were at least eight places for pots to go, there was a window that faced the garden. and around the kitchen island sat Anya and Lincoln, munching on what looked like the most delicious looking chocolate chip cookie in history.

But before she let herself get swept up by that wondrous cookie, she focused on the man standing next to her siblings. He was a bit smaller than Uncle Gus, but just as tall. His hair looked a bit like salt and pepper, streaks of grey a little here and there. She was instantly jealous of his glasses. She’d always longed for glasses. And he bore one of the kindest smiles she’d ever seen.

“Hi, you must be Alexandria,” he said and rounded the island and crouched down. “Your uncle has told me so much about you, and I’ve waited a long time to meet you. And he may have mentioned that your favorite cookie is the chocolate chip one, was he right?” His eyes twinkled a bit, and she couldn’t help but smile back.

“He guessed it,” she said and smiled even wider when he pulled a cookie from behind his back.

“Well then, you’re one lucky girl. These I made especially for you,” he said while handing it over.

“Thank you,” she said and bit into it and almost sighed out of pure bliss. “Oh Uncle Nyko,” she said without thinking. “Did you make these?”

He nodded, and shared a soft look with Uncle Gus. “You just  _ have  _ to teach me how to make these!” At this point she was practically squealing, and that made the two of them laugh.

“Sure, We can make a whole other batch tomorrow!”

She high fived him and went around and joined Anya on one of the stools at the island.

“Isn’t it wonderful here?” Anya said blissfully with a mouth full of cookies.

“I’m in love,” she responded and looked out over the dreamy kitchen.

And of course, the moment had to burst.

“When will daddy get here?” Lincoln said and looked up on his big sisters. “Sheriff Tanner said that they only wanted to talk to him, and they must be done now. He’d promised me that he would play baseball with me today.”

But before Alexandria had to come up with an answer, Uncle Gus stepped in.

“Lincoln, buddy, your dad… Your dad won’t be coming here for some time. You see, they wanted to talk to him because your dad was hurting other people. And that’s bad, right?” Lincoln nodded. “So, when people like your dad do bad things to other people, they have to answer for what they’ve done. Now, your daddy is answering for what he did.”

Lincoln thought for a while. “So… He won’t have any play time for a while? And no goodnight stories?”

Uncle Gus smiled a sad smile. Alexandria may only be seven, but she could see when a smile, especially a smile as big as Uncle Gus’s, would reach the eyes. “Sort of. Only what your dad did was so bad that he have to go away for a little while.”

“Where will he go?”

“Well, he’ll go someplace where he can’t hurt another person, for a long time. And that’s a good thing!”

Lincoln looked as if he was in deep thought. “But, if daddy’s gone, who’s going to play baseball with me? Or soccer?” His lip quivered a little, but this time it was Anya who spoke up.

“I will, of course, silly. When have I ever not wanted to play with you?”

“We’ll play lots!” Nyko piped in and gave a thumbs up. And in that moment, mama came in the door and Alexandria almost shied away from her. She looked dead on her feet. And, almost as if she’d predicted it, she started swaying where she stood.

“Mama!” She shouted and almost sprinted out of her chair. But Uncle Gustus caught her and walked her over to the other room. She leaned over the island to get a peek of what was in there, but couldn’t see anything.

“Hey, what about we bring out that football I have out back and play a few games before dinner?” Nyko said, and that instantly brought a smile to Lincoln’s lips.

“Yeah!” He said and jumped down. “Come on!”

She and Anya looked at each other, and then Anya jumped down. 

“What about mama?” Alexandria said with a worried tone, but Anya just shook her head.

“Better for Uncle Gus to handle her. I think it’s best if we stay out of the way for a little while.”

And that was one of the moments when it happened. When Anya went from just being her big sister, to being more of a mix between sister and parent. 

By the end of the day, Alexandria concluded that she really liked Uncle Gus and Uncle Nyko. They made everything fun, from playing in the yard, cooking dinner and even cleaning up. After dinner, which had been a delicious pasta carbonara made by Nyko, Uncle Gus had put on music on the speakers on the kitchen and they had all danced around the kitchen removing plates and cups while singing along to ‘The Power of Love’ by Huey Lewis. 

Well, everyone except mama. She’d gone up to bed at five o’clock, claiming that she had a headache and had to lay down. Uncle Gus had gone up with her and returned an half an hour later looking grim.

“Hey, Uncle Gus? Can I use the phone?”

“Sure honey. Who’re you going to call?” He poked his head in the kitchen as she picked up the phone on the kitchen counter.

“Costia, I didn’t say goodbye,” she said and pulled out the slip of paper from her pocket.

“Okay,” he said with a smile.

She punched in the numbers and was sure to double check that she’d punched in the right digits, before pressing the green call button. Four signals went by before a woman’s voice rang out.

“Hello, this is Dr Griffin, who is this?”

“Hi,” she said and went and sat down at the table. “My name is Alexandria, I was wondering if you could let me talk to Costia Green? You see, my friend Officer Grayson said that I could call you and that you’d might let me talk to her? I didn’t get to say goodbye before I left.”

“Hi sweetie. Yes of course, I’ll bring her the phone.”

“Thank you!” She said and waited until she heard that the phone was passed on. “Costia?”

“Alexandria?” Costia’s voice rang back through the speaker.

“Hi!”

“Oh, hi! I’m so glad you called, where are you?”

“I’m staying with my Uncle’s,” she said and stared out onto the street. The sun was beginning to set out there. “How are you?”

“I’m better, thanks. I’ve been sleeping most of the day, and I got to take a shower,” she said and laughed. “I’m never going to complain about showers ever again,” she joked and Alexandria and her both shared a laugh.

“Listen, I wanted to thank you,” she said and Alexandria unconsciously sat up straighter. “You saved my life.” 

What was she supposed to say to that? Luckily, she didn’t have to say anything.

“I understand that this might be confusing, I wouldn’t be able to tell what was real and what wasn’t. But you did a good thing today, even if it doesn’t say anything.”

“Thank you,” she said with a whisper into the phone. 

“No, thank you.”

They ended up talking for half an hour. They talked about everything and nothing. They talked about school, about clothes, about sports. They talked about normal things and for those thirty minutes, she finally felt some sort of normalcy settle in her. Like a realization that things could still feel normal even if everything around her was changing. They didn’t hang up until this Dr Griffin came back.

“Wait, Alexandria?” She was about to hang up when her voice rang out of the phone.

“Yeah?”

“I just wanted to say that you can call me anytime, if you feel the need to talk. I have a daughter about your age. Her name is Clarke. If something bad happened to her, I always tell her that she can always come talk to me. Okay?”

“You mean that I can call whenever I want to?”

“Yes,” she said with some urgency. “Anytime. I’ll always be here to talk if you’d ever need me.”

“Alright, I will. Dr Griffin?”

“Yes?”

“Has something like this ever happened to Clarke?”

Dr Griffin was quiet for a moment before answering with a somewhat pained voice. “No honey, it hasn’t.”

“To you?”

“We all have our scars. But scars aren’t bad things. Scars show the people around us that even though something bad happened to us, we healed, changed a little, and moved on,” she said and paused for a second before continuing. 

“When something like this happens some things will change for good. Some of those changes might be for the better, and some things for the worse. But those things are necessary to change in order for you to heal. So even though these scars won’t be visible to others, you’ll still carry them with you. And that’s okay. They will make you stronger. Just as mine has made me stronger.”

“You really mean that?”

“Yes, I really do.” She could hear a smile in her voice. A kind smile.

“Then I believe that too. Bye Dr Griffin.”

“Bye Alexandria,” she said and Alexandria lowered the phone and pressed the red button. 

Dr Griffin was right. Things were already changing. They’d moved, her mama was different from yesterday, and her daddy wasn’t coming home for a very long time. But as far as she was concerned, only one of those things was a bad thing that’d to change.

They ended up watching an episode of  _ Avatar: The Last Airbender _ before going to sleep. A new show that all of them instantly fell in love with. Even Anya, even if she thought of herself as too old for cartoons. 

All day long things had been in constant motion and it hadn’t been hard to forget about what had happened. She’d simply let herself get distracted and the problem was gone. But that was going to be much harder to do now, because at night there would be no distractions to keep her away from reality.

Outside of her window the clouds were rolling in. The sky had already begun its soft rumbling.

Anya and Alexandria shared a room. It was a big room that overlooked the front yard. Outside the window they could see the street, Uncle Gus’s house was a lot closer to their neighbours than theirs had been at home in Polis. 

From the house right across the street Alexandria could see that they were beginning to turn in as well. One by one the lights went out, until not one single light remained. Only in the house two doors down was there a light on. From what Alexandria could guess, it looked like it was a desk lamp. Was there someone living there who perhaps had a lot of homework?

“What are you looking at?” Anya huffed and crawled into her bed. In their room there had been two smaller beds, one dresser and a rug that made her seriously consider sleeping on it tonight. 

“Just observing,” Alexandria said and went away from the window and crawled into her own bed. She lay down on her pillow and looked up on the ceiling. “Anya?”

“Yeah?”

“Nothing is ever going to be as it was, is it?”

Anya lay quiet for a moment. “No, it won’t. But we’ll be okay.” Then she put out her light on the nightstand and the room turned dark.

Alexandria sighed and turned to her side. No, she supposed. Things wouldn’t be the same. But would they be better, or worse?

She got part of that answer later that night.

_ She was out in the woods again. The storm was raging around her, the flashing lights came through the thick branches of the forest back home in Polis. Only this time, she wasn’t following her daddy. She was being chased by him. _

_ She was running, her bare feet pounded on the hard forest floor as she ran, as fast as she could, away from the voice behind her. _

_ Her breath came in pants, her chest heaving as fast as it could but the ribs could only be stretched so far. She wished for a hairband, her hair was flying all around her, getting tangled up in all of the trees around her. _

_ “You’ve been a bad girl,” the voice behind her said. “How could you do that, to your own family?” _

_ She prevented a sob and tried to run faster, but her foot got caught on something which made her lose her footing. When she fell, she hit the ground hard. She could feel the bruise beginning to form on her knees and elbows, but she quickly tried to get up again. _

_ “Haven’t I done everything for you? And what did you do to me in return?” _

_ She couldn’t stop the tears now, they were flowing freely down her face marking hot tracks down her cheeks.  _

_ “Alexandria, you need to be punished.” _

_ “You destroyed our family.” _

_ “Alexandria, you’re a bad girl.” _

_ “Alexandria. Alexandria. Alexandria!” _

“Alexandria!”

She woke up with a start. Her eyes flew open, but she quickly put her hand over her eyes, the light was blinding. Her body heaved out a sob and she cradled her aching knees to her chest.

“Ssch, it’s okay, sssch honey, I’ve got you,” a deep voice said and felt warm large hands run across her back in a soothing motion. Without thinking, still thinking she was being hunted out in those dark woods, she cried out and scrambled back, her back hitting the frame of the bed.

“Don’t touch me!” She screamed and sobbed, not understanding what was going on. Still locked in her dream, it took several minutes before she heard what the voice beside her was saying.

“In, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and out, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.”

And she started listening to the voice. In, and out. Until her breathing had started to even out a little and she managed to open her eyes. In front of her Uncle Gus sat, eyes full of worry and with Anya behind him, looking as if she’d seen a ghost.

“That’s right, breathe for me, in and out. In and out, just breathe and everything will be okay.”

She slowly started to listen to what he was saying. Breathe. Yeah, she could do that, she’d been breathing now for seven years, it was a piece of cake. But when has there ever been this sort of weight pressing on her chest? It felt as if someone was sitting on her, pressing all of their weight onto hers. Not theirs, she realized, but his. Daddy’s. It was the weight of what she’d done to her daddy that was pressing on her chest.

And that realization woke her out of the panic attack, but into a state of hysterics.

“I-I ru-ruined everyt-thing,” she sobbed and when Uncle Gus’s arms came around her, she clung on as if her life depended on it. “Da-daddy and mama, wh-what did I-I do? B-but I d-don’t get i-it,” she sobbed into his shoulders.

“Sssch,” he just said. “Everything will be alright, sssch. Nothing bad will happen to you now, you’re safe. Sssch. Breathe. You did nothing wrong.”

When she calmed down again, she just let herself be rocked back and forth, as a baby. She didn’t mind though, anything to get away from that horrible dream.

“Uncle Gus?” She said with a sore throat.

“Yeah?”

“I don’t like feeling like this,” she said with a quivering lip.

He sighed. “No, honey. I know you don’t. But it will get better.”

“How?”

“Well,” he said and leaned back, bringing his hands up to clear her hair out of her face. He also pulled a white handkerchief out of his pocket and gently wiped her face clean of tears and snot. “A couple of things. To start with, talking about what happened. I know it’s not something that you wanna do, but talking will help. And another thing that you probably won’t like either, but time. Time eventually heals most things. And lastly, your family. The people who're around you will also help you get through this. Remember this Alexandria, you are never ever alone. Whenever anything bad happens, you can always come to us, and we’ll always be there to catch you. Always.”

She closed her eyes and saw a flash of his face, with the lightning crashing all around him in those woods, with his lips pulled up into an evil grin. So in a small voice, she asked “Always?”

He held on to her tight as if he’d read her mind. “Always.”

They sat like that for about fifteen minutes. With her in his arms, she felt safe. She knew that she had been someplace safe all along, but it was different knowing you were somewhere safe and feeling safe.

“Oh, I almost forgot,” Uncle Gus said and Alexandria could hear a change of tone in his voice. He sounded happier. So she leaned back and was met by a soft smile. “Happy birthday.”

She blinked, and slowly, a small smile formed on her lips. “I’m not seven anymore.”

“Nope,” he said with a twinkle in his eye. “I believe that you are now an eight year old. My god,” he said and looked her up and down. “It’s like I’m meeting a whole new person!” She giggled. “Look at that,” he said again with a smile. “A new year, a whole new you. My, my. Alexandria Forest, you have never looked so wise.”

She nudged his shoulder. “Uncle Gus, I’m not that different!”

“Oh yes,” he said and picked her up. “Oh my God, you got heavier too! I can barely lift you up! And, are you taller too? Oh yes, you certainly are!”

“Stop!” She laughed, and when she started, she didn’t want to stop. Laughing felt good, it took away all of the weight from the night's adventures.

“Wonder what Nyko is doing, I must go and tell him that we don’t just have one young woman in the house now, but two!”

She laughed and laughed until there were tears streaming down her face again, but this time around they were happy tears. And with each one that fell, she got a little more whole again. Because this proved Uncle Gus’s theory. With time this would feel better. With family, she would heal again. And here she was, some time after feeling completely broken, on the start of her journey to becoming whole again.


	4. The Media and The Madness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this, my friends, is how Lexa Woods is born, the fierce, adorable, amazing, nerdy, beautiful, wonderful, soft and intelligent warrior that we all know and love. What, too many adjectives? Nah. No such thing when it comes to Lexa.
> 
> Realized that only updating each Wednesday is going to be hard, I want you guys to be where I am so that you can freak out with me!! Promise that when I'm finished with it, I'll post more often, like A LOT more often ;)
> 
> Enjoy! XO -fantasycloud

It took the media about a month to find her school picture from the year before before finding them. 

It was a regular September day, a Wednesday. Alexandria had just started second grade at the new school, and so far her name hadn’t caused any reaction out of anyone. She’d found some friends, and she’d gotten to know the teachers. But then that September morning Uncle Nyko choked on his cereal when he picked up the paper from the table and Uncle Gus had to hit him hard on his back before he could take some wheezing breaths again. While he was recovering, he pointed towards the paper.

_ “ALEXANDRIA FOREST - the HERO that EXPOSED the SERIAL KILLER; TITUS FOREST” _

The headline had been a mishmash of capital and small letters, drawing the reader in, and then BAM, everyone had known her name. Also in the article, someone had released a photo of Anya, but thankfully, since Lincoln hadn’t gone to any school yet back home, there weren't any pictures of him. 

After Uncle Gus had seen the article he’d excused himself from the table and gone into his study. Even from out in the kitchen they could hear his upset voice as he talked to the phone with what Alexandria guessed were some very important people. Half an hour later he stepped out and looked like Christmas had been cancelled that year.

“Damn news people,” he muttered and accepted the coffee cup from Uncle Nyko. “Claiming the people had the right to know. What about her rights, huh? To get away, to start fresh from that piece of-”

“Gustus,” Uncle Nyko warned and looked their way. Alexandria hastily looked away, afraid with getting caught listening in on their conversation, and busied herself with tying her shoes for school.

“I know, I’m sorry,” he said and raked a hand over his head. “Alright, I’m just gonna drive them to school, and then we’ll figure something out.”

But that didn’t go according to plan either. Outside of their school, someone had reported it to the media that that’s where the girl went to school, the seven year old that had caught the serial killer, which also happened to be her father. So naturally all of the media stations from all across the eastern seaboard were there.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Uncle Gus muttered and turned the car around without a word.

“Uhm, Uncle Gus, you forgot to drop us off,” Lincoln said from his carseat, oblivious to the chaos outside. Lexa had just swallowed down a lump and she knew that this was bad.

“You know what?” Uncle Gus said with an animated voice. “Today is much too nice a day for school. Let’s just head home and play some soccer in the yard, how does that sound?”

“Yeah!” All three of them said, but what Uncle Gus and Lincoln missed were the knowing look that passed between her sister and herself. They knew that what was happening was bad.  _ Really  _ bad.

At home they did all sorts of things. Alexandria and Uncle Nyko spent the day cooking. Ever since coming here Alexandria had learned that she really enjoyed cooking and baking. She especially loved to make pumpkin bread, banana muffins, chocolate chip cookies, spaghetti carbonara and homemade fries. Uncle Nyko was overjoyed, Uncle Gus wasn’t allowed near the stove since he had a near death experience while trying to make lasagna.

_ “But I don’t know what happened, I didn’t mean for the sauce to explode and get on my arm and nearly burning all of my skin off! And I certainly didn’t plan on putting the hot lasagna bowl on the stove which then made the stove turn on by some freak chemical reaction, then burning all of the lasagna to a crisp!” _

This story always had led everyone that was listening to a near heart attack from all of the laughter. So when Nyko learned that Alexandria not only listened to his instructions, but learned and improved quickly, he was thrilled. She was always there when he cooked and assisted, always learning something else, picking up on the small things that Uncle Nyko did.

So this day when all hell had broken loose, they were extremely busy with making a perfect chicken mozzarella pasta.

Uncle Gus was in the backyard with Anya and Lincoln, steadily making him realize that the kids had real talent for a number of sports. Anya could, whenever the soccer ball landed in front of her, shoot one single shot and the ball was in the net, and Gustus had no idea how she did it considering  _ he  _ stood in the goal. He sure wasn’t letting her win. Lincoln could shoot a basketball into the hoop from a pretty great distance, almost hitting every shot, and Uncle Gus just stood there with his mouth agape. 

_ He was five for God’s sake _ , he thought and scratched his beard.

But when they enjoyed the dinner that Uncle Nyko and Alexandria had prepared, it was Anya’s time to choke on her food. On the TV from the living room that someone had forgotten to turn on, there were now two large pictures on the screen. Alexandria’s and Costia’s.

“What’s the matter?” Uncle Nyko said, but she just pointed. They all turned, and Alexandria all but flew to the remote. She clicked the unmute button, and stood frozen while listening to the reporter.

“ _ It has now been a month since seven year old Alexandria Forest followed her father into the woods and ended up saving young Costia Green from a certain death when she found her tied to a bed in an old shed in the woods. The police say that her father, Titus Forest, has been connected to at least twenty eight other kidnappings and murders, and they still don’t know if that’s all of his victims. The now eight year old Alexandria resides in Washin-” _

And then the TV was turned off by a click.

“Hey!” She said and turned around, but behind her, stood mama.

“Don’t listen,” she whispered. “All they tell is lies. Don’t you see? It’s your daddy that they’re talking about!”

Alexandria took a step back. “Mama?”

“And you,” she said and pointed at her. “You’re the reason why he’s in jail!”

“Lenore!” Uncle Gus shouted, got up from the table and grabbed her by the arm, pulling her from the living room. Her disagreement with that course of action could be heard all throughout the house.

“Hey, kiddos, let’s get in the car,” Uncle Nyko said and quickly jumped up. “Come on, let’s go, move those legs!” He clapped in the air and put away the milk and the food in the fridge before putting on his shoes.

Alexandria just slipped into her new flip flops that Uncle Gus had bought for her at the start or school. These were in a bold green color, instead of the silly purple ones that she had before.

“Where are we going?” Lincoln asked.

“We, my friend, are going on an adventure!” Uncle Nyko said dramatically. “Onward, children, to the car we shall march!”

Lincoln laughed and went happily, while Anya and Alexandria looked nervously behind them as mama continued to let her frustration be hard.

“Girls,” Uncle Nyko said. “It’ll be alright. She’s just tired, and not in her right mind. Let’s go.”

They ended up going to a place with a small beach. It was still very hot outside and everyone stripped down to their underwear and just threw themselves into the water, having forgotten to bring swim clothes. Lincoln was just beginning to learn how to swim, but both Anya and Alexandria had learned how to swim the years before so they started to swim in circles around each other, splashing water and just having fun.

And, of course, all within sight and reach of Uncle Nyko.

They had so much fun, the four of them, and they swam until Lincoln’s lips turned blue. They swam and splashed and played for what felt like hours, and it had totally made all of them forget about the madness that was happening at home.

When they got home, however, they were met by complete silence.

“Gus?” Uncle Nyko called softly and a soft humming came from the kitchen.

“Kids, ah, why don’t you go up and get into your pyjamas and get ready for bed? Be quiet, I think your mama’s asleep though,” he said and put a finger to his lips. They nodded and disappeared up the stairs, but what the Uncle’s didn’t realize was that all three of them huddled at the top of the staircase and were able to hear every word that was told downstairs in the kitchen.

“What happened Gustus?”

“Ah, Nyko,” he said. His voice sounded completely hollowed out. “She’s not right in the head. I thought that she was just in shock, at first. But then as the weeks went by, I thought maybe, she was just tired. But tonight… Nyko, she has been writing to that bastard. Calling him, talking to him.”

“No!”

“And do you remember last sunday, when she went ‘out shopping’? She didn’t go shopping.”

“What then?”

“She  _ went to see him _ ,” he whispered in horror. “All this time when I thought about leaving her alone, taking care of the kids, I thought I was helping her. But I wasn’t.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that he’s got her twisted up in the head. Filling it with lies, especially about Lexi. How she just had a nightmare, how Costia had just fallen in the woods. How he’d never even seen that shed that they’re talking about.”

“But… She was there. Lexi said that when she recounted for the police that Lenore sat by her side.”

“My guess is, he’s been controlling her for some time now. You know that she hasn’t been allowed up here, she’s always come up with excuses, ‘ _ I can’t Gustus, it’s Christmas _ ’, ‘ _ No, now is not a good time. Work is getting down here _ ’, ‘ _ No you can’t come visit, Anya is just starting school and we don’t want her to lose focus _ ’. Those were never her words. Yes, she said them, but he’d said them to her first. I’m guessing he didn’t want her coming up here because of our lifestyle.”

“My God.”

“And now, even in jail with mountains of evidence against him, enough for him to stay in there for life, he still has her twisted around his little finger.” He let out a deep sigh. “We have to do something.”

“Yes, but Gustus, how? She’s a grown woman. An adult. We can’t forbid her to see him.”

“No, but we can refuse her our car.”

“And let her run away, steal one and never return? No, we have to be smart about this.”

“Smart? Nyko, we are in over our heads!”

“What, with all of them?” Now it was Uncle Nyko's turn to sound horrified.

“What? No, no, of course not the kids. The kids are staying with us, and that’s final. No, I’m talking about Lenore. We can’t deal with her ourselves. We need help.”

There was a small pause. “How?”

“We’ll do some research. Hire help. If necessary, drive her somewhere.”

“‘Drive her somewhere?’, seriously? What is this, nineteen twenty three?”

“Look, I don’t know! But I do know one thing, and that is that she stood in our home tonight looking like a crazy lady accusing her eight year old daughter of destroying their lives when everyone else damn knows that that little girl is nothing but a hero! But that little girl, oh, that sweet girl, she does not believe that yet. No, in her mind she is the reason why they moved here in the first place and left their dad behind. And we can’t fully make her realize she’s wrong if we have a crazy lady in the house, who happens to be the mother, telling her otherwise!”

“Alright, alright, calm down, they might hear you. But I do hear you, and I agree. So what do we do?”

Another quiet pause. All Alexandria, Anya and Lincoln could do was hold their breaths and listen to each other's beating hearts.

“We leave.”

“Excuse me?”

“We move. You saw what happened today, do you really think tomorrow will be any different? Or in a week? A month? Lexi was named a hero on nationwide television, every media outlet in the country are going to come knocking on our door, just to get a reaction out of her. And that will only put pressure on Lexi and highlight what Lenore thinks Lexie is doing, namely, seeking for attention.”

“She said that?”

“Yes, among other not so very nice things. I had to restrain myself, God I might have actually hit her for speaking about her that way.”

“Wouldn’t have blamed you,” Uncle Nyko muttered. “Alright, so we leave. Where? And what is to say that they won’t find us again? There is that one small thing called the internet.”

“Well, isn’t that obvious?” Uncle Gus said. “We’ll change our names.”

“Alright,” Uncle Nyko said after a pause, looking at him with wide eyes. “You’ve lost it. Completely.”

“Look, we’ll change our last name to your family name, and, I mean we have to check with Lexi, but I think that she should change her first name too.”

“Gustus-”

“No, nothing new, I was thinking instead of Alexandria, what about Lexi? It’s close enough, she won’t forget it and we’ll still call her Alexandria at home. But at school, out in public, it’s Lexi. Plus, we already call her that now. That way the media won’t follow us and the two of them can finally let all of this go and start to heal.”

“You realize that that bastard is making them uproot their life  _ again _ , right? They’ve just started school.”

“Yes, but I don’t think I can hate him any more than I already do. So, what do you think?”

“It’s not about what I think,” Uncle Nyko said. “It’s about what they think. And especially what Alexandria says. It’s her name, after all. Anya and Lincoln will still be able to keep their first names.”

“Ah, you’re right. As always. God, how did we end up in this mess?”

“Your sister chose very poorly,” Uncle Nyko jokes. “But seriously, I’d rather have all of the crazy with them, then the normal without them. Because having them here, knowing that they are safe, that’s all that matters. Hell, I’d move across the world for them. But, for now, let’s just tuck our kiddos in, go to sleep and tomorrow, we can talk about this some more. Sounds like a plan?”

They could hear Uncle Gustus sigh for maybe the fourth time that night. But apparently a quiet confirmation was made because they could hear them pulling the chairs in.

And then Anya was pulling her up by the arm and Lincoln by his. “We didn’t hear that!” She hissed and then she pulled us towards the bathroom and pulled out our toothbrushes. “C’mon!” 

When they went to bed that night Alexandria’s head was swimming with questions. It was clear after she’d made the horrible discovery of her dad that night that all of them were going to carry scars. She just didn’t think her scar would be so visible. But the more she thought about it, the more she realized. Scars, as Dr Griffin once put it, wasn’t something ugly. Scars were marks of your bravery. So if she had to change her name, wouldn’t the name itself be like a scar? A part of her that was still her, but that had had to change in order for her to heal. But then wouldn’t that name be like a shield?

She fell asleep, and in her dreams she dreamt about a warrior version of herself, clad in armour and with a sword strapped to her waist. 

But only this version of her was named Lexa.

The next morning at breakfast, Uncle Gustus was in a bad mood. Outside, camping out outside of their house, were three vans parked and a cluster of news people were standing around, waiting for them to come outside.

“They’ve got no respect for anyone,” he muttered into his cereal.

They finished their breakfast in a hurry and went to get dressed. Even though they weren’t going to school today, they couldn’t go about their day in their pj’s. But the Uncle’s had suggested that they should play a game, so that’s what they were going to do. They pulled out Twister from the bookcase and spent an hour all tangled up in eachother, and laughing harder each time someone fell down.

But at lunch came the news that all three of them had been waiting for since their conversation that they overheard last night.

“So, kids.” Uncle Gus started. “We’ve been thinking. With all of this craziness going on, we’re thinking that we can’t really stay here.” They were quiet. “We were thinking about moving,” he continued on. “And we talked about it and we really think that it’s for the best. But, we know that it’s a lot to ask. So, now we’re checking with you three, of how you would feel about it.”

“Well,” Alexandria said. “Will I be able to go to school in the new place?”

“Yes,” the Uncle’s answered at the same time. 

“Where would we go?” Anya asked. That was one of the questions that had been nagging her as well.

“Well, Nyko has always talked about opening his own place,” Uncle Gus started. “His own restaurant. And the beauty of that is that now we can sort of choose where to open it at. So, kids, any suggestions?”

“I’ve always wanted to visit New York City,” Anya said and Alexandria could see the wistfulness in her eyes. Anya just turned twelve last week and Alexandria knew that while she was happy being with her family, she missed seeing her friends. So, in a way, going to New York and starting over might give her what she thinks she lacks. Well, no one could blame her.

“Do you know what,” Uncle Nyko said. “I’ve always loved New York. What do you others think? Any Objections?”

Alexandria, too afraid to speak up in case this was a dream, kept quiet while feeling her body build up with anticipation. Lincoln just knew that in New York were the New York Rangers, the Yankees and really tall buildings, so he just shot up and ran around screaming excitedly. 

The Uncle’s started laughing. But when the laughing died down, they shared a look.

“And then there is one more thing. For them not to find us again, we discussed changing all of our last names, to my old name,” Uncle Nyko said. “Mine isn’t all that different than yours actually, funny enough.”

“What is it Uncle Nyko?” Anya asked.

“It’s Woods actually. So I mean, it really is the same name, right? Forest and Woods?”

“Sort of,” Alexandria said. “I like it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Anya, could you take Lincoln and go put the TV on? I think that favorite show of his is starting.” Anya, sharing a knowing look with Alexandria, nodded and went to gather Lincoln who was still behaving like a lunatic.

“There is another thing that we need to talk with you about, a thing that Anya and Lincoln don’t have to think about.”

“What is it?”

“Well, since it was you who found out the truth about your dad, you have become a very interesting person. Do you know why?” She shook her head, only playing a little dumb. “Doing what you did, catching your dad and saving Costia’s life, at your age means that the world knows next to nothing about you. And that can make some people a bit frustrated when they’re writing about you. So, that’s why there’s people here with cameras and microphones. They want to know more about you, so that they can write more about you.”

“Okay,” Alexandria said, and now it actually started to sound confusing. They were complicating it by over explaining it, even her, an eight year old, thought that.

“Gus,” Nyko said.

“So,” he went on, ignoring Uncle Nyko. “That’s why I’m suggesting that we not just change your last name, but your whole name. That way, when you go to your new school in New York, people won’t know who you are. They only have one picture of you, but in that picture you had your hair in braids, so they won’t make the connection. And since you will grow so much more, it will become even harder to recognize you.”

“Okay, but to what?”

“Alexandria, do you understand the impact of what I’m asking? I’m not asking you to just move and change your last name, I’m asking to essentially change your entire world. In school, you would have to memorize your new name and learn how to introduce yourself by it. Could you do that?”

“Yes.” She thought for a moment before repeating her thoughts about scars the night before out loud to the Uncle’s. “You told me before that things would change, and that we would have scars. But that the scars that we would get wouldn’t be ugly, they would be signs of past bravery. Well, wouldn’t this be like a scar, the new name? It’s just a thing that would have to change, and it’s not something to be afraid of, it’s something to be proud of. And since it’s my name that's changing, I’ll probably think about it all the time, since I’ll be saying it all the time. It’ll be like a shield, or armour, of some sort, I think.” The two of them were looking at her with weird expressions. “What?”

“I was just wondering when you grew up,” Uncle Nyko said. “Gus?”

“Roughly the same,” he said and cleared his voice. “Alright then. So, the last name is Woods. And since I already call you Lexi, how would you feel about that name?”

“Actually, I already have something else in mind,” Alexandria said.

“Like what?” Uncle Gus said, with a smile in his eyes.

“Lexa,” she said and felt a gush of warmth flow through her. Like this was meant to be. “Lexa Woods.” 

The Uncle’s looked at each other with soft smiles on their faces, and turned to her. And she realized what that emotion was. 

They were proud.

“Lexa Woods it is then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to get updates, sneak peeks, ask questions, get song suggestions, talk, you can head over to instagram. I just created an acc, thinking that would be an easier way to keep in touch with you! 
> 
> Come and say hi! @ao3fantasycloud 
> 
> PS, I LOVE the comments that you guys are writing, THANK YOU!


	5. 2004

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it's Wednesday somewhere... ;)
> 
> Here we have Lexa at fifteen, so a slight time jump! In this chapter I want to really warn any sensitive readers about two things, depression and suicide. If you're triggered by the two, don't read the chapter. Take care of yourself first!
> 
> Also, I wanted to quickly just mention Lexa's mom. She's been brainwashed by Titus for a long time, so don't be too harsh on her. That's why she's reacting the way she is, yelling at Lexa, etc. It's not her fault, she's a victim just like every other girl only in a different sense...
> 
> With that, I want to thank all of you guys again for reading, sending me kudos and taking the time to comment! They truly make my days so much better, thank you thank you!

She pulled the scarf tight around her face and hurried down the street. Even after living in New York for almost a decade the winter season still surprised her with how cold it got. Well, with New York being placed right next to the Atlantic, it shouldn’t come as a surprise.

She raced up the steps to the brownstone and pulled open the door and then hastily closed it again after her so that Bullet wouldn’t race out into the street. It had happened before and it would happen again.

“Uncle G, I’m home!” She shouted out, dumped her school bag in the hallway and let the smell of freshly baked bread lead her into the kitchen. She sighed with content and leaned against the doorframe leading into the kitchen. Uncle Nyko stood with his back turned her way, in the process of cutting up slices of the freshly baked bread he’d just made. In the background he’d put on the Christmas playlist they’d made some years ago, and her lips pulled upwards.

“Hey Uncle Ny,” she said and walked in the kitchen. “Want some help?”

“My God,” he said and turned around. “Lexa, don’t  _ do  _ that!”

“What?” She asked innocently and her smile turned into a very smug one.

“You need to learn how to walk like a normal fifteen year old. No normal teenager just  _ appears _ ,” he muttered and held a hand over his heart. She just sniggered and pulled out some butter and marmalade from the fridge.

“Want to do a taste test?” She said and raised an eyebrow. He stopped acting like he’d had a heart attack and smiled. 

“Well, well, I’m surprised you’d even have to ask. We’ve only done this for, what? Six years?”

“Seven,” she said with a laugh and took a slice. 

“Wow, time flies.”

She just nodded while spreading some orange marmalade on a slice of the warm and toasty slice of bread. They’d come up with this tradition after the first bread they’d baked together. That always when the loaf of bread came out of the oven, they each took a slice and just enjoyed the newly made piece of heaven. She’d only have time to take a bite and moan and the taste of it before the door opened and closed again and Lincoln’s voice was heard. And with him, Bullet.

“Uncle Ny, guess what! Bullet actually behaved!”

Lexa and Uncle Nyko laughed. “Did he now? So he didn’t try to chase everything that moved?”

“No! Progress, right?”

“Yeah sure kid, sure,” Uncle Nyko responded and shook his head.

Bullet was an adorable dog that Lincoln had gotten for his birthday three years ago. They’d found him at an animal shelter, he was two years old and found wandering the highway near starvation. He was a mix of a German Shepherd and something fluffy, either a Golden retriever or something else, but he was dang cute.

But with him being a rescue, he had some issues, with say, the most normal things. 

In the first week they’d had him, they’d have to put him in diapers during the night because there was something seriously wrong with his bladder when he was asleep. When they first put his food in a bowl for him, he’d looked at us like we were stupid. And he was impossible on walks. He barked at anything with four legs, picked up newspapers instead of twigs and hadn’t quite mastered the art of walking with a leash. He still couldn’t be in the house when they vacuum because he’d start howling and he wouldn’t stop until it was done. 

But all things aside, they were all completely in love with him. 

Especially Lincoln. He had been begging and begging the Uncle’s for a dog for some years now, and they’d finally relented. 

They blamed it on him finally being old enough to handle a dog, but Lexa suspected it was because of Anya’s absence. Anya had started college and that had left an Anya sized hole in the family. I guess they finally gave up trying to fill it with more cooking and what not and thought that a dog might be the answer.

And the short answer to that assumption was absolutely. He was the perfect distraction from reality.

“How was school?” Lexa asked and walked over, offering the last bit of her piece of bread which he happily accepted.

“Fine,” he said with a shrug. “Mr Gibbins wants an essay on one of the presidents, he said that we could pick whichever one we’d like  _ and  _ that we could pick the topic, he said that he wanted something  _ fun _ .”

“Since when is school ever fun?” Lexa teased and sat down on the floor to give Bullet some pats. He was happy to roll onto his back, and Lexa laughed softly while rubbing his belly playfully and affectionately. 

“That’s why I’m a bit afraid of Mr Gibbins, he keeps throwing assignments our way that he wants fun or interesting or as surprises. He doesn’t seem to get that teachers are supposed to be all serious and stuff,” he said and shook his head. “I’mma be upstairs, working on that weird assignment.”

He walked upstairs and Bullet disappeared along with him. 

And then it was time for Lexa to do what she’d done every afternoon for about a year now. 

“I’ll be upstairs for a while,” she said to Uncle Nyko, who just nodded. They’d stopped arguing with her about her decision long ago. She walked up the stairs and knocked on the door furthest away in the hallway.

“Mama?”

No answer. She quietly opened the door and slipped inside, and was met with the usual foul stench and the drawn curtains. And as usual, she could spot her mama’s still shape underneath the covers.

“Mama, it’s time to take your pills,” she said and walked around the bed frame. “C’mon mama, sit up for me.” She took her mama’s hands and guided her to a sitting position. She looked into her unseeing eyes, and sighed.

Almost a year and a half ago this started. She just refused to get out of bed. She didn’t talk, she didn’t cry, she just lay underneath the covers all day and all night long. She ate what was sitting in front of her and she listened when Lexa guided her to the bathroom, but it was like ordering around a living corpse.

“Okay then,” she said and unscrewed the pill bottle and pulled out one round little pill. They were supposed to help with all of this according to the doctor who’d been everything but happy about having to do a house visit. But Lexa could easily say that after the eighteen months of being on them, she could not spot one difference. “Open up.”

Her mama swallowed the pill, went with Lexa to the bathroom, and then back to the bed.

“Mama,” Lexa tried again. “It’s snowing outside. It’s finally starting to look like winter. Christmas is only a couple of weeks away, wouldn’t it be nice to just go for a walk outside?”

Seeing her mama like this was still extremely hard to witness. So choking back on her tears she got up. “Alright then. I’ll be in my room.” And she left as quietly as she’d entered, closing the door softly behind her.

She took a shaky breath and leaned against the doorframe and a memory flashed by her closed eyelids. The memory of her mother’s last good day.

_ “Alexandria, it’s time to go honey!” _

_ “Mama,” she said and came down the stairs. “I’ve told you to call me Lexa.” _

_ “But I love the name Alexandria. I gave it to you when you were born, why shouldn’t I call you that?” _

_ “Because I don’t like it,” she shot back and put her arms up over her chest. “I like Lexa.” _

_ “I know you do. Come, sweet girl of mine. It’s almost time,” she said with a smile. _

_ Her mama had come a long way from the state she was in all those years ago. It had taken its time, but her mama finally felt like and acted like her mama again. And it was about time, the Uncle’s were going crazy. _

_ “I can’t believe that this is finally happening,” she said and smiled. “She’s waited for so long.” _

_ “I know, and no one deserves this day as much as she does.” _

_ And together they walked out of the house and steered their steps towards Anya’s high school. Lincoln was on his way with Uncle Nyko, and Uncle Gus was coming straight from work. _

_ No one wanted to miss Anya’s graduation. _

_ As they got to the school Lexa was very grateful that her mama had told her to wear her green summer dress. They’d bought it last year, it was green with small white dots all over it and the sleeves were cut off by her mid upper arms. It was flowy, but not loose, and it was the perfect dress for this hot and sweaty day. The ceremony was going to be held outside in the steaming sun, and she was not envious of some of the men that had arrived in suits. _

_ “Ladies and Gentlemen, parents, guardians and siblings. Welcome to the graduation to the Class of 2003!” _

_ The crowd cheered on, but the loudest cheers came from the front rows where all of the seniors sat. Lexa was so jealous of Anya, she would do anything to be in her shoes right now. _

_ “In these four years, we have watched each and every one of our graduates go from being young teenagers to young adults. We have been with them for every step of the way, helped them through tough times and celebrated with them through better. But nothing can measure up to the pure joy I feel now, seeing all of them in their beautiful cap’s and gown’s, ready to embark on their adult lives.” _

_ Already Lexa could tell the adults were crying. Several had their handkerchief’s out and dabbing at their eyes. And the ceremony went on, a bunch of people spoke and Lexa thought that some of the words were really wise. But she would have an easier time focusing if it weren’t for her mama. In the middle of the ceremony, she’d gotten a call. She was now standing far away with her hand over her forehead, and by the looks of her shaking shoulders, she was crying. _

_ She wanted to go after her, but Uncle Gus had shaken his head. “This you won’t want to miss. We can check on her when Anya’s got her diploma.” _

_ He was right, she didn’t want to miss Anya. And she didn’t. _

_ “Anya Woods!” The principal spoke out and the four of them shot up from their seats and cheered. Lexa would argue years later that she cheered loudest of them all. Anya went up to that podium and received her diploma, and she shook hands with the principal. But when she looked out into the crowd, only seeing four people, her face fell a bit. _

_ Mama wasn’t there. _

_ She hastily righted herself and smiled and waved at them, then she went off the stage and jumped with her friends, trying to forget about mama’s absence. Lexa had this gnawing feeling inside her that something wasn’t right. But she waited through the entire ceremony before figuring out what had happened. When Anya and her classmates threw up their cap’s at the end, almost no eye in the stadium was dry.  _

_ When it was over, Lexa found Anya and gave her sister a big hug. “You are awesome,” she whispered in her ear and held on tight. _

_ “Thank you, Strik sister.” Lexa laughed, Anya used the term that they’d come up with so long ago. “You are the reason we’re here, you made this possible. Thank you.” _

_ Lexa just nodded. “Look, I don’t know what happened to mama. She was here, I swear.” _

_ “I know,” Anya said. “But she didn’t stay,” and her voice broke at the end. _

_ After it all had ended the Uncle’s, Lincoln and her split up in search of her. The Uncle’s went to the restaurant, Lincoln checked the school and Lexa went home. Lexa was the one that found her. _

_ She was on the bathroom floor, her whole body shaking with a letter clutched to her hand. She tried to get her mama to talk to her, but she just couldn’t focus on her. So after ten minutes of trying to reach her, Lexa let out a frustrated sigh and pried the letter from her mama’s hands and read it. _

_ And Lexa must admit, she was shocked. It was divorce papers. _

Lexa remembered herself being so confused by this. Why would her mama become so hysterical over divorce papers, because in her mind her mama and father had not spoken in years. But the truth came later on. It turned out that her mama had been hiding a huge secret. She had gone up to see their father twice a month. Every other Wednesday she took the bus at four o’clock in the morning and came home Thursday mid day. She’d always claimed that on Wednesday’s she worked nights at the restaurant.

During all of these years mama had been sending their father money every month, not all of her earnings, but a good portion of it. And during all of this time, and this was what the phone call was about, their father had started seeing another woman. A woman he’d now wanted to marry.

This still made Lexa sick to her stomach. Even though her so called dad was a piece of shit, she couldn’t understand he was this much of an asshole. Who spent years torturing women, raping them and killing them, gets locked up, but is forgiven by their wife, then  _ cheats on her  _ and seeks divorce?

Lexa had been so mad there for a while at so many things, and in some of that period she wasn’t all too sure all of the time at who or what she was angry at. But she knew one thing. Her father had screwed up their family pretty good. He’d completely destroyed her mama, but what made her the angriest was that he’d not only betrayed her once, but now twice.

She was angry with her mama too, for staying with him before and for still choosing to love him even after all he’d done. But she still to this day couldn’t fathom why it was this that drove her over the edge. Not to sound too harsh to her mama, but cheating on her was definitely not the worst that that man had done.

She knew that because she thought about all of the thirty seven women he’d killed almost every day. 

And she absolutely hated that she was a part of him.

//

“Hey you,” she said once she neared the woman looking out over the ocean. She turned around with a brilliant smile on her face.

“Hey! Oh, I missed you!”

Lexa smiled and gave Costia a long hug. “How’re things?”

“Oh, you know,” Costia said and sat down on their bench. “The usual.”

“Ha ha,” Lexa said. “You know I don’t know that,” which made Costia laugh.

“But you do though. You can fool a lot of people, but not me. You’re a lot older than seventeen. You’re more like sixty, in a seventeen year old body.”

“I know,” she said with a laugh. “Sometimes I don’t want to be older than what I am. I’ll always get older, I won’t get any younger.”

“And so wise with words,” she said and pumped her shoulder lightly. “Luna proposed.”

“She WHAT?” Lexa said and turned around. “And you just forgot to tell me? Oh my God!”

“No, no, stop that,” she laughed and waved her enthusiasm away. “I haven’t told her yes yet.”

“Oh,” she said and turned back to the water. They were sitting on a bench in Battery Park, they had been meeting on this very bench for about five years now. Costia switched colleges back in ‘97 to a college in New York and had stayed here after she was done. At first they’d met up at Lexa’s home when she also moved up here, but her mama always got in a weird mood every time Costia would come over. So that’s why, when Lexa turned eleven, they always met up here at Battery Park instead.

“Do you want to say yes?”

“See, this is what I love about you,” she said and leaned her head on Lexa’s shoulder. “Everyone else asks ‘ _ Shouldn’t you say yes? _ ’, no one asks me if I actually want to. And the short answer is yes, of course I want to say yes.”

“But you're afraid.”

Costia was quiet. Lexa sighed and put her hand over Costia’s. 

“I get it. Some of it.”

“I just… Luna is the first girl that I really trust again after… You know. What happened. Ugh, I feel pathetic. I don’t want to be afraid! God, it happened a decade ago, I should be able to just let go of it.”

“No,” Lexa said. “It’s a part of you. Like a scar on your soul. But someone wise once told me that scars aren’t something bad, they show everyone your strength. You carry that scar with you because you carried on and healed. It’s always going to be there, so you need to stop pretending that it isn’t.”

“Wise and brave,” she whispered.

“It’s easy to be brave when it’s not about me and my demons. Costia, you’re one of the strongest people I know. I believe that your heart knows exactly what to do. You just have to be brave enough to follow it.”

“Alright, I have to start paying you,” she said and Lexa could hear that she was close to tears. Lexa smiled and squeezed her hand. The amount of times they’d seen each other and cried their hearts out were too many to count. And this was why Costia was one of Lexa’s closest friends.

“Nah, you’re family,” Lexa said. She truly meant that. Costia was one of the few people that knew exactly what happened that night when it all changed.

“Yes, we are,” she said quietly. They sat in silence for a few minutes, just sat and lazily observed all of the people moving around them, the twinkling lights of downtown New York and the boats on the East River.

“Mama is really starting to worry me,” Lexa said after a while. “It’s like the soul has left her body.”

Costia sighed. “God. Lex, I’m so sorry.”

“I know she’s not entirely right in the head, but she’s still my mama,” she said. “But none of that was her fault, it was all him. He made her like that, all wrong and twisted,” she said and wiped away an angry tear that slipped down her cheek.

“I know.”

“I just,” she said and sucked in a breath. “I just wish he was out of my life. I wish I never have to hear his name ever again.”

“I know.”

“It’s pointless,” she muttered. “Even after a decade, it’s still everywhere. I saw an article the other day. They’ve connected another girl with him. Her name was Charlotte. She’d only been seventeen when he’d grabbed her outside of the library in Richmond. In the paper, the headline said ‘ _ Titus Forest’s 37th victim _ ’. To the world she’s going to be remembered as a number, but not as a person. He took that away from her.”

“Why are you looking at those?” Costia said. “You only get angry when you read them.”

“Because I’m hoping for another verdict,” she whispers. And then Costia gave her a real hug.

“Oh, Lex.”

“Does wishing for his death make me a bad person?”

“No,” she said with a firm voice. “Not even one bit. You have a heart of gold.”

“What would I do without you?”

“You’ll never have to find out,” she said and Lexa sighed. After they’d unloaded some of the heavy things that’d weighed them down the continued on to lighter stuff, just like always. They talked about Costia’s work, she’d become a doctor and was now working as a pediatrician at a hospital in New York. They talked about Lexa’s school. She had started high school a year ago and this year she’d upgraded from being a sophomore to being a junior. She talked about being part of both the photography club and the school newspaper, and how she recently joined the school soccer team. Yeah, it was all interesting, but she wasn’t sure if journalism was something for her and the soccer team was really just because she needed the distraction.

“It just feels like, having been on the other side of it, I’m not sure if I want to inflict that on others,” she explained and Costia had just had to nod. She understood completely. Costia had actually wanted to become a cop, before everything happened. But after being almost murdered, she didn’t want to be around all of that fear and anger all of the time. That’s why she became a doctor. So that she could help heal others.

Photography however, that was an interesting subject.

When it was time for them to go home, Lexa turned to Costia one last time. “You and Luna, you were meant to find each other. Don’t let the fear of your past drive you away from the future you deserve.”

“I could kiss you, you know,” Costia laughed and her cheeks were rosy, despite the cold air around them. “And I really should pay you, you make much more sense than my actual therapist.”

Lexa just laughed and waved before turning to catch a ferry back to the city center.

Seeing Costia always left Lexa with a lot of thoughts. Sometimes of how different her life and the world would be if she never found her, sometimes of how lucky she was that she had. 

Seeing Costia sometimes also reminded of all of those other women that she didn’t find.

She sighed and boarded the ferry. She shouldn’t think like that. She had only been a kid, even if it took her a while to realize that at the time.

After moving to New York, she felt so much all at once. She felt joy over moving to an exciting new city. She felt worry for her mama. She felt pride over her Uncle Nyko who opened up a restaurant uptown. She felt protective over Lincoln who had a hard time finding friends at school. She felt guilt for feeling glad that she was further away from her father. She felt confused about many things, but the most pressing thing was that her mama still seemed to love her father.

She kept it to herself, and when you’re eight you're not really well read on mental health problems so you couldn’t possibly know the warning signs.

They eventually found out, after weeks and weeks of being constantly tormented by nightmares, after having a few panic attacks at school over small things and snapping at the people in her family, she eventually just let go of all that she was feeling inside at the time. She cried, and they cried, even Lincoln who was only six knew something had changed. He came and gave her hugs every hour, for a week straight.

Now, seven years later, she still went to the same therapist she met back then with every Wednesday afternoon after school. Niylah was one of the few people outside of her family that knew of her past, but she didn’t make a big deal out of it. If Lexa could choose she would say that she didn’t need the sessions anymore. That she was fine just the way she was, and that she was dealing with it on her own terms. 

Niylah wouldn’t hear of it.

She would say, “Mastering of the mind takes time. It’s like preparing your body for battle. It needs to be in constant motion. No transformation can be made without progress, no progress can be made without activity and then where would we be? The mind would go on a path of its own, and sometimes the mind can take dangerous turns that leads to its destruction. Better to achieve transformation than to cause destruction.”

Then she would laugh. “Besides, today, all we’ve talked about is that cute girl from class. I wouldn’t call that a hardship,” and laugh some more. Lexa’s cheeks would turn a brilliant shade of red and look down. Because she was right.

Talking with Niylah did help, just looking at mama who refused to talk with anyone was confirmation of that. And she didn’t want to worry the Uncle’s. They had so much on their plates already. She would just for once like to put the past where it belonged; in the past. And just writing down the word ‘therapy’ in her calendar served as a constant reminder of what she was trying to move past.

Then her phone called, interrupting her thoughts.

“Hello?”

“Hey, didn’t you get my text?” Finn said with an accusing tone.

“No, I’ve been busy. What’s going on?”

“I was wondering if we could meet at your place instead of mine tomorrow,” he said. “My mom is working a night shift and said I couldn’t be here because I’d probably wake her up, which is probably true, so I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal right if we just met at your place?”

“Oh,” she said and tried to come up with a quick excuse. “No, I don’t think that’s a good idea. My mom doesn’t feel well.”

“What’s wrong with her?”

“She gets migranes,” Lexa lied and felt her heartbeat fasten. “Why don’t we just meet at the library?”

“But we can’t eat in the library! No way I’m going five hours without any sort of food Woods.”

“You are hopeless,” she sighed. “Well, then fine. But we have to be quiet,” she said and anxiously bit her lip. She’d never taken home another person before. Even if she and Finn had hung out in school for about a year or so, she wasn’t even close to calling him a friend. Okay, maybe that was harsh. He’s sort of a friend, he kept her company some of the days when she had to take Bullet out for a walk, but he would only be one of those friends you kept through high school. She didn’t believe that they would stay in touch much after graduation, which wasn’t much of a loss.

“Great!”

“Finn, I’m serious. We have to be quiet!”

“Alright, got it!” He then hung up without waiting for her reply, and Lexa only sighed.

She did not like high school one bit.

Since she lived in uptown New York she had to ride the subway for about what felt like an eternity before reaching her stop. Darkness had begun to fall outside and the white snow that had come a few days before had turned into brown mush. Lexa never really had a problem with the cold, but she really hated the aftermath of snow. Snow should either be really beautiful in the sky or on the ground, in a white color. 

Not this brown sluggish slippery mushy deathtrap.

The only upside to this was that today was Thursday, and after tomorrow she would officially be on her Christmas holiday. She only had that stupid project for the school newspaper tomorrow with Finn Collins and then she would be done!

She smiled automatically at the thought of Christmas. Oh, she just loved Christmas. She loved everything from the tree to the food, being around family and giving each other presents, their annual Christmas baking competition and the eggnog. 

Oh, and the music! Let’s not forget about the music. Lexa seriously could live on that music for months without being bored with it. Some of her favorites were  _ Last Christmas _ by Wham!,  _ It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas _ by Bing Crosby,  _ Jingle Bell Rock  _ by Bobby Helms and  _ Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree  _ by Brenda Lee, and that was just a few of all the Christmas songs that she was obsessed with. Of course she loved some of the newer versions as well, but only the originals went on to her favorites list.

Luckily, her brother and Uncle Nyko were the same, so at least she wasn’t hated by the whole family. Anya and Uncle Gus on the other hand… If she played a few seconds of a Christmas song before December first she would be chased with a broom throughout the entire house.

So naturally, she always started listening on the last week of November.

She reached their apartment and hastily pulled open the door and closed it even faster, nearly hitting herself in the head, when she heard the tumbling sound of paws coming down the stairs. Thereof his name; Bullet.

“Hey Bud!” she said and crouched down. She completely underestimated his speed, because when he launched himself at her, she only had time to widen her eyes before they both crashed to the floor. “Oof!” But she was attacked with licks all over her face, and she could just laugh.

“Bullet! No, stop! I’m not a treat, Bullet! Down!” 

It took about five minutes before he calmed down, but his whole body still wagged from side to side. Another fun fact about Bullet, it wasn’t just his tail that wagged when he was excited, his whole body wagged.

She laughed again and leaned down to give him one more kiss on the head.

“Is Lincoln and the Uncle’s home? Where are they?”

“I’m in here!” She heard Uncle G say from the kitchen. “How was Costia?”

“Good, and guess what? Luna proposed!”

“What?” Uncle Gus turned around with a huge smile. “Well, did she say yes yet?”

Lexa smiled. “She said she’s going too.”

“Ask her to come by sometime, so that I can congratulate them,” he said with a smile. “It was a while now I saw her, how’s the hospital treating her?”

“Good! A kid threw up on her though the other day so she was a bit sour,” she said with a laugh. Uncle Gus scrunched up his nose.

“And that’s why I could never work in a hospital.”

Lexa had actually thought about that. Maybe that was something that she would like to do? She would ask Costia about it later.

“What, you’re too afraid of some germs?” She teased. She knew very well Uncle Gus may look like the giant man in her family, with his length and body size and loud voice, but in reality it was Uncle Nyko and Lexa who could stomach the most, and killed all of the weird insects that got into their apartment. Uncle Nyko tried to save them, but Lexa was just too disgusted with them. She wasn’t really afraid of them, but that didn’t mean that she liked having them crawling on her walls. Uncle Gus would however move as far away from everything disgusting as possible, and it always made Uncle Nyko and Lexa crack up.

“Tomorrow Finn’s coming over for a school thing,” Lexa said hoping Uncle Gus wouldn’t care.

She was wrong.

“He’s coming here?” He looked at her with questioning eyes. “But you never bring anyone here.”

“I wouldn’t bring him here tomorrow either if I had any say in the matter, but his mom apparently has a night shift and needs to sleep. It’s okay, right?”

“Oh yeah, no problem. Do you want me to go and get some snacks?”

“Nah,” she said and waved his offer away. “He can manage with what we have. I mean it’s not like we don’t have cupboards filled with snacks already.”

“Oh you’re so clever,” he said and turned around. “Well alright then. What are you guys working on.” Then he paused. “Wait, doesn’t the holiday’s start tomorrow? What evil teacher have you working on a project over Christmas?”

“It’s not an evil teacher, it’s an evil student, editor in chief, whatever. They want to publish the next paper on January fifth, just in time for school to start again, but since it’s the holiday’s she’s set the deadline December twenty third. So no time off until we finish our piece.”

“And what are you writing about?”

“Finn and I have been covering the school’s sports results over the fall,” she said and ignored the eye roll. “So we’re going to combine their scores and then we have some commentary from the players and coaches, so we should be able to put something somewhat interesting for the people to read.”

“Are you going to interview yourself then?” Gustus said with a grin. “You know that soccer team wouldn’t last without you. Lexa just rolled her eyes at him and opened her bag to rifle through some of the papers, ignoring him.

“Mhm,” he said and gave her a wink while chewing on a piece of toast. “Alright, well, that sounds like fun. And this Finn kid, he’s the kid you’ve been hanging out with at school? The one who you think sometimes acts like a five year old?”

“Yep, that would be the one,” she said with false enthusiasm. 

“And I shouldn’t intimidate him because…?”

“Because the faster we get this done, the faster he can go. Simple as that. You trying to intimidate him will only prolong the process of that.”

“Got it,” he said and saluted. “Well, I’ll be home around six, Nyko just after that and Lincoln, well, who knows. Sometimes after three. You’ll come home and walk Bullet, yeah?”

“Yes,” she said and gave him a thumbs up.  _ Just as I have every Friday _ , she thought in her head. Then she took her bag and went upstairs. She put her bad in her room before softly knocking on mama’s door.

“Hey mama,” she said and walked in softly. “I went out to Battery Park today,” she said and sat down on the edge of the bed and told her about her day. But instead of mentioning Costia’s name, she just told her that she’d met with a friend. No reason to upset her mama more than she already was. She ended her story and was met with a deafening silence. She sighed. “I miss you,” she whispered. “I wish I was enough.”

After making sure she’d taken her pill and gone to the bathroom, she left her room and went into hers. Bullet escaped in with her, so naturally she ended up sprawled on the floor, cuddling with Bullet.

“Oh Bud,” she said and stroked his ear. “Life is hard.” He licked her hand. She sighed. “But at least we have you.”

The night went on without a hitch, Uncle Nyko came home and made a delicious dish with rice and chicken and they spent the evening watching two episodes of Friends. Lexa always loved watching them dance around each other, all of them. She used to love to go by the Friends building in the city, but had tired of it eventually. There were only so many pictures you could take of one building.

Next day in school she couldn’t quite sit still. She was squirming in her seat, not at all listening to the biology teacher going over something about a mRNA molecule and how that did something to the mitochondria. Some days she truly disliked Costia for talking her into choosing AP Biology. But for the most part of it was interesting, just not today. Maybe a career in medicine wasn’t something for her after all.

When the bell rang she caught up with Finn. “Alright, that was painful just watching you,” he said and followed her out the building. This was also a routine. Finn always accompanied her on the Friday walks she had to take Bullet on, but he usually just waited outside for all of the three seconds it took to get Bullet out of the apartment. They walked down the busy streets of New York, discussing the assignment and choosing pictures to go with the finished piece.

When they got to her apartment, she unlocked the door and stuck her head in, signalling for him to come. But for some reason when Lexa opened the door this Friday, Bullet didn’t come bounding down the stairs. She called out again.

“Bullet!” She shouted through the crack. No sound. “Crap,” Lexa said and walked inside. Finn, wanting to know what was going on, followed her inside. 

“Just, wait here,” she said and couldn’t quite hold back the annoyance and walked around the bottom floor. No Bullet. “Where is that dog?” She muttered. “Bullet, come here boy!” Then she heard the distinct sound of him whining on the upper floor. 

She frowned, since when did Bullet whine?

“Bullet?” She said with a different tone. She walked slowly up the stairs, with Finn behind her. She was more than a bit annoyed when he didn’t stay by the door, but in all honesty Bullet had her a bit worried that something might be wrong. So she didn’t mind him coming up with her to see what was going on. Maybe someone else had been in the house? Or had he had an accident? He’d done that once, and he whined for about an hour and looked really guilty about the whole thing for a whole day.

Somehow, this felt different.

When the two of them reached the top step, Lexa found Bullet. And her stomach dropped. Bullet was sitting, his body tense, by mama’s door. He kept whining, nudging the door with his nose, trying to get it to open. 

“What is it Bullet?” Lexa said and walked up to him. He just looked at her with knowing eyes and let out another whine and scratched at the door. “Alright, I’m opening the door.”

And with her heart beating hard in her chest, she slowly cracked the door open. She was met by the same stench as before, but still something felt off. Bullet raced in and went to the bed, and looked between her and the bed.

Something wasn’t right.

Her mama lay on her back on the bed, the covers pooling beside her on the floor. Beside the bed it looked like a tray had been knocked over, and on the nightstand lay three crumpled up papers and one letter with a pen on top of it. There also lay a big yellow envelope by the floor near the bathroom door, as if it had been thrown across the room. On the floor lay two open orange pill bottles, and from what Lexa could see, two empty ones.

She couldn’t quite connect what her eyes were seeing, until she heard Finn gasp behind her.

“Oh my God, Lexa, she’s not breathing!” Her eyes zeroed in on her mama’s chest, and then she kicked into autopilot for the second time in her life. 

She jumped up on the bed, throwing the rest of the covers off of her and put her ear to her chest. No sound. She hastily righted herself, put two hands over her chest and started pumping, just as she’d learned in class. She could feel the panic start to build up in her chest, but she forcefully pushed that down.

“Finn, call nine one one!” She shouted and continued to press roughly on her chest. She blew breaths into her mouth while plugging her nose, just as instructed, and kept going with the CPR.

“Hi, hello?” she heard Finn say. “Yes! I need an ambulance to ninety fourth and Columbus ave, please hurry, I think she’s dead! She’s not breathing!”

Lexa quickly blocked out his words and sucked in a breath of her own through her nose.  _ Dead? _ No, no she couldn’t be dead. She was fine yesterday! She was fine! She blew another breath of air into her mouth.

“Mama, come on!” She screamed and felt herself pumping more furiously on her chest. She pumped so hard that she barely heard the paramedics coming up the stairs. “Wake up!” Her vision started to blur, but she furiously blinked the tears away. They could wait, her mama could not.

“Whoa, hey there,” a woman said and hurried to take over for her. “What’s your name?”

“Lexa,” She huffed out, drained from the CPR but she didn’t notice the tremours in her muscles due to the adrenaline pumping through her body. But the paramedics sure did. “Lexa Woods.”

“Okay, Lexa, I’m Victoria,” she said while placing her hands over Lexa’s. “Let me take over for you, okay?”

“No,” she said firmly, but hearing her voice being close to breaking. “She was fine, why isn’t she waking up? Mama!” Then she felt someone grabbing her shoulders, and now the fear kicked in on full force. 

It was like she had been thrown into one of her nightmares. She couldn’t see, she couldn’t think, she couldn’t breathe. She just struck out and backed away as far as the room would let her and then she curled up against the wall.

“ _ No! _ ” she screamed. “Don’t touch me!” And she cried when she felt two strong arms come around her, embracing her.

“Sssch,” a deep voice said. “You’re okay, I’ve got you. You’re okay, just breathe,” the voice said. “Breathe. I’m Travis, but listen, I need you to calm down so that I can help your mom, okay?”

She tried to nod and sucked in a breath.

“Are you okay?” Lexa nodded and tried to calm her breathing. Finn was standing in the hallway, looking in at the scene before him with open eyes. But he wasn’t focusing entirely on her, he had his eyes locked on what Victoria was doing.

Too many things were happening at once. They were loading her mama up onto a stretcher and one of them had fastened two sticker-like pads on her chest.  _ To administer the electric shocks,  _ she thought. And they were rushing out of there as fast as lightning. 

She was so focused on their actions that she completely missed Victoria’s and Travis’s look they shared. If she hadn’t missed it, she would have time to prepare for what was about to happen next.

“Wait!” She said and ran after them. “Where are you taking her!?”

“C’mon Lexa,” Victoria said. “You’re coming with us.” And then the autopilot in her kicked in again for the second time that day. She got up, dried her tears and sprinted after them, leaving everything behind her and only barely remembering closing the door behind her. Her mind completely forgot about Finn that was back inside, she jumped up in the passenger seat of the ambulance and they raced down the blocks with the sirens blaring.

The ambulance ride to the hospital felt much too long, but in reality it probably didn’t last more than five minutes. 

But that was all it took.

When they reached the hospital they unloaded her mama the second the ambulance stopped. Travis, who’d been driving, jumped out of the ambulance and came around her side to help her out.

“Lexa, I need you to listen to me. They’re going to try everything they can, but in order for them to do that you need to be somewhere else. I’ll show you the waiting area. We also need to contact the rest of your family, can you tell me her name?”

Lexa choked back a sob. “Lenore. Lenore Forest,” she said and completely blanked about the last name. “Please, you have to call him.”

“Who?”

“Gustus Woods, my uncle,” she said with an actual sob. “H-he needs t-to be here.”

“Alright, okay,” he said and led her to the waiting area. And then he sat down with her. “Listen, I’m going to go and see how they’re doing, you just hang tight, okay?”

She nodded, but she got a feeling that he was long gone before she’d responded. 

_ How had this happened?  _

_ How could she have missed this? _

_ Why did this happen? _

She didn’t know for how long she was sitting in that chair. All she knew was that she was out here and her mama was someplace else. And she knew that she probably wouldn’t be waking up.

She drew a shake breath.

She felt so horrible thinking those thoughts, but they’d talked about this at school. The brain could only be without oxygen for so long before it started to deteriorate, and when she started pumping on her mama’s chest, she had been so cold. She had been out for longer than just a few minutes.

A tear slipped down her cheek. And this time, they didn’t stop.

She blinked when she felt a pair of strong familiar arms around her. She hadn’t even registered someone sitting down beside her. Maybe she was shutting down now, just like her mama had?

“Oh, Lexi,” Uncle Gus said with a broken voice and held her tight. She must’ve been sitting here longer than she thought, if Uncle Gus had already arrived.

She didn’t know for how long they sat together like that either, locked in their embrace. It could have been minutes just as well as hours.

Suddenly Gustus righted himself. Lexa looked up, steering her eyes in the direction of where Uncle Gus was looking. And towards them strode two serious looking doctors. Lexa’s whole body froze. She wanted to run, but it was like she was seven years old again and back in those woods. She was frozen in place, waiting to let whatever was going to happen happen, knowing with absolute certainty that she could do absolutely nothing to stop it.

“Mr Woods,” the doctors said and took a seat across from them. “When we received your sister we only knew that she’d had what they’d described as a heart attack. But when we examined her and took some tests, the tests showed a large amount of drugs in her system, showing that her heart had failed to pump blood due to lack of oxygenation to the brain. We’ve had to pump her stomach and connect her to a machine that’s currently breathing for her. We were able to get her heart started again, but due to the lack of oxygen to the brain, I’m afraid that she won’t wake up. I’m very sorry sir, but your sister is brain dead.”

Gustus let out a howling sound and put his hands in his hands.

“No,  _ Lenore! _ ” He said into his palms and Lexa put a hand on his back. She was staring blankly ahead of her, not really focusing on anything.

A harsh thought came to mind that she quickly pushed away. But it had still passed her train of thought.

_ How could she?! _

Lexa was yet again left dealing with something she was far too young to handle. The feelings started to pour into her, like how a sponge sucked all of the water in. Sadness, fear, anger, shock, devastation, frustration, hopelessness, emptiness. She could feel her chest started to contract. She still had nightmares from when she’d found her dad out in those woods. It had taken her nearly a decade to accept what happened, and now this? She had no strength left to do it all over again.

But only this time…

This time she wouldn’t be trying to forget about a monster. This time she would have to mourn her mother. And at this moment, she couldn’t decide which was worse.

But she knew one thing, for sure.

Their holiday was ruined. And for Lexa, Christmas would forever be connected with this anger, just as those summer storms that she once used to love now only brought panic attacks along with them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This hurt to write, believe me...
> 
> Head over to Instagram and say hi to me and Bullet, and share your thoughts about the chapter! @ao3fantasycloud


	6. Alexandria Forest: “Suddenly he wasn’t my dad, but a monster.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At here we have it friends, the last chapter with her as a teenager before we finally jump to her adult life! And, *spoiler*, we get to meet some really long awaited people in the next chapter...
> 
> Hope all of you are having a good Friday night! I just got back from my shift at the hospital and let me tell you, working with a mask and visor is no fun... So it's nice to just jump in here and live in a different world for a while ;)
> 
> Enjoy this Friday treat! XO - fantasycloud

They held her funeral on the third of January. The Uncle’s decided that they wanted to try and still give them a proper holiday, but that was just wishful thinking. Lexa held herself shut away in her room, only coming down short amounts of time to eat. Lincoln spent as much time outside as he could with Bullet. Uncle Gustus was beside himself, nearly bursting into tears every time he saw the sight of Lexa. Uncle Nyko was in this scenario the glue of the family. He cooked every meal, he went grocery shopping, he cleaned the house, he tried to start conversations at dinner and he made arrangements for mama’s funeral.

They simply had to show up.

After they received the news about mama’s overdose, Lexa had called Anya and burst into tears. Anya had come later that night, jumping on the first plane back from Chicago to New York. The first thing she did was give Lexa a crushing hug.

“You are so strong, Strik Sister,” she whispered in her ear. “It’s not fair.” At that comment Lexa had broken down and poured her heart out. She hadn’t been able to with Uncle Gus because of how devastated he’d been, but now the words just came pouring out.

“How didn’t I  _ know _ ?!” She gasped out. “I was right there, how could she do this? I walked in and she was just  _ dead _ _!_ How could she do that to me?”

Anya had just held on to her tight, never letting go, never broken down. She just allowed Lexa to just let everything out of her system. That was the thing with Anya though. Anya didn’t really break down. At least not in front of people, and Lexa had rarely seen her with puffy eyes. Anya just got quiet. And angry, some of the time.

This time she just held on, as quiet as a mouse.

Anya stayed until a few days after the funeral, then she’d had to go back to college.

The funeral, or rather memorial since they’d chosen to cremate her in order to scatter her ashes someplace peaceful, had been nice, considering. Uncle Nyko had seen to it that her mama’s favorite flowers decorated the restaurant and that all of their close friends and whatever family that was left was there. 

She saw sheriff Tanner and Mrs Blake from her hometown which actually brought a smile to her lips. She hadn’t seen them since she moved away. And she finally got to put a face to Dr Griffin's voice, she’d talked to her a few times more after she’d called all those years ago, but after meeting Niylah there wasn’t a need to talk to anyone else after that. But Dr Griffin looked like a very kind and caring woman, and she sent her a small smile and embraced Lexa when she spotted her. When she hugged her, her warmth just radiated right into her bones.

Niylah was another surprise. She came looking grim and gave Lexa a squeeze on her shoulder when she walked by. Costia and Luna of course came, and Lexa nearly burst into tears again when Costia embraced her. Luna gave her hand a squeeze. 

Others came as well, people from Uncle Nyko’ restaurant, friends of the Uncle’s, Lincoln’s best friend Connor and a few people from Lexa’s school. Then there was this one strange person who showed up and stayed in the back of the room throughout the entire memorial. She had fair skin, auburn hair and a normal vibe around her. Lexa had nearly forgotten all about her when, after the service was close to done, she was approached by her.

“Hi,” she said and stretched out a hand. “I’m so very sorry for your loss,” she said and Lexa nodded. “I know you’re probably tired of hearing this, but your mother was an incredible woman. I was wondering if you had a second?”

“Sure,” she said and even though she felt hollowed out inside, she would be lying if she said that this woman hadn’t made her curious.

“So, before your mom passed, I had been in contact with her. She and I crossed paths a couple of years ago and we had been discussing doing an article about her and her life. I’m a reporter, by the way, from the Times? I know that this is really bad timing to approach you with this, but she was the only one that didn’t change her name-”

“Wait,” Lexa said and held up a hand. “What are you saying? You want to write an article about… My mom?”

“Well, your mom and how it was like living with Titus Forest, of course,” she said and Lexa’s insides stilled. “We discussed it briefly and with the book proposal-”

“What book proposal?”

“You haven’t heard?” She looked confused. “Titus Forest signed a contract about a month ago now, it’s supposed to be an autobiography of Titus Forest and he’s supposedly been writing it from the prison he’s in.”

“So you mean to tell me,” she said with her voice shaking. “That the people of America actually want to buy a book, written by my  _ serial killer  _ father, and read about the life he led and why he chose murdering as his life's mission? Is he going to include scenes and vivid descriptions from his killings too?” She felt herself started getting sick to her stomach and started to walk away, but felt her hand close on her wrist.

“Please,” she said. Lexa turned to face her, her face set in stone. “Please consider this. I also think it’s absurd, but there are many twisted people out there who’d do anything for money. But if we were to release an article from your point of view of what happened, from the girl that caught her serial killer  _ father _ , it might change people’s minds about buying  _ his  _ book when they could read  _ your  _ version.” She pressed a slip of paper into Lexa’s hand. “Please, my phone number is on there. If you change your mind, I’m all ears. Have a good day,” she said and walked out of the restaurant then, leaving Lexa with all kinds of emotions rolling through her mind.

An article? From her? Her father was  _ writing a book _ that people actually wanted to  _ publish _ ? What would he say in it, would he write about them? Well, he must write some things since they were there when he went on his killing sprees. She felt sick to her stomach.

“Who was that?” Finn asked from behind her, and Lexa had to take a breath so that she wouldn’t snap at him.

“A reporter from the Times.”

“The Times? As in  _ the New York Times _ ?!” She could hear his excitement, she knew that he wanted to become a journalist badly. “Well, what did she want?”

“She wanted to write a story.”

“About your dad?” Her eyes went wide and whatever comment she was about to say was forgotten. “Oh don’t act so surprised,” he said. “Really, Lexa Woods? It’s pretty close to Alexandria Forest, I just had to do some digging. I don’t know why you hide it,” he said, probably without thinking, but Lexa couldn’t help herself.

“ _ Why would I want to hide it _ ? Finn I was  _ seven years old  _ when I followed my dad into the woods. _Seven!_ And witnessed him in the process of  _ murdering _ a young woman. Why would I ever want to be connected to that monster?” The words just tumbled out of her mouth, they would probably end up getting her into trouble later, but Finn's naive way of seeing the reality of it was just too much right now.

“Oh calm down,” he said. “You know what I meant. Anyone could find out if they wanted to, all they have to do is google him and you all show up. Boom, done. But about that reporter,” he said and grinned. But now Lexa was so angry that she had to restrain herself from punching him in the face.

“What about her?” She said with gritted teeth.

“Well, if you don’t want to give an article to her, could you consider letting me interview you and then send it in to her? Please, it would really give me a good start in my journalism career.”

“No,” she said.

“C’mon Woods!” He said and walked after her when she went outside. “You don’t even care! Look, I don’t have to write out your true name, all I want is a small interview with you, then I’ll do the rest. It would be the story of the year, hell, maybe even years! C’mon, I really need this.”

Lexa stood still for a few seconds. Did she even care? She started thinking, well, what did she have to lose? She was graduating in a few years and then she was going away to college. And she didn’t have to use her real name, she could use the one that the world knew, that she had left behind long ago.

“Maybe, look, I need to go,” she said and just started walking towards the direction of home.

That reporter had, other than dropping those major bombs on her, also dropped a major clue as to why her mama did what she did. Could this book deal be the reason behind her overdose? The news had shocked Lexa to the core, but Lexa, unlike her mother, were completely sane. She could only imagine what her mama had felt. First she’d had to find out that her husband and the father of her children was a murderer, then for years to come he would be written about in the papers, described as a monster, and then there were all of his victims that they would write about, consuming her with guilt for not knowing about them. Then, as if that wasn’t enough hardship for one life, she’d found out that he had been cheating on her, even though she had remained faithful to him whilst he was in prison, and then demanded a divorce, and now this? 

This would have anyone brought to their knees. Her mama had deserved better.

And with that thought Lexa came to the realization that she’d have to walk in and go through her mama’s things. She’d avoided her room ever since she’d found her dead on that bed. She was haunted by that room in her sleep, but these ones didn’t make her wake up screaming as the ones about her father had done. She usually came to, covered in cold sweats, laying frozen in place with her heart pounding in her chest. 

This would only amplify the nightmare, because then it felt as if she were dead, just like her mama.

No, if she wanted her mama to be remembered as someone strong, she would have to follow her example and do things that she was afraid of. So when she got home, she closed the door and slowly walked up the steps to her room. She knew that Uncle Nyko and the others hadn't gone inside. She believed them all to be a bit afraid of entering actually. This was almost everyone’s first time with an encounter with death. The only one who’d ever had this kind of experience first hand before was Lexa.

Anya and Lincoln knew some, from what she’d told them. But she could never really explain the dread or the fear that came with those places. Even if she wanted to try and explain, feelings like that just didn’t translate into words. Now it was sort of the same, the four of them could imagine what it had been like, all of them had seen the state of the room and Lexa had had to explain some of what had happened, but they couldn’t  _ know  _ what had happened, because they weren’t there. They hadn’t lived it. 

The feelings that arose when she turned the handle weren't new ones. She was, in a weird twisted way, prepared for them as they came sneaking into her head. 

The inside of her room looked just like it had that Friday. The covers were on the floor next to the bed, on the floor lay bits and pieces of things, two empty pill bottles that Lexa later connected with the overdose, and then there were the crumpled up pieces of papers, the latter and the big orange envelope. She started with the envelope, thinking that might be the cause of this.

She went over and grabbed it.

Inside of the envelope lay several papers. On one paper there were the divorce forms, signed by her dad. On the other paper there was some legal information that since her mama hadn’t worked while being married to her father she would get nothing from the divorce. And then there were two letters, one from a lawyer and one from her father.

She started with the one from the lawyer.

_ Dear Lenore, _

_ It has now been a few weeks since we spoke. I’m sorry to tell you, it’s final. They are engaged and they plan on marrying as soon as the papers are signed, and for that I’m sorry. I know you have been through hell and back, and with your kids having to go through what they have gone through, especially Alexandria, know that I am deeply sorry. I also want to give you a heads up, my hands are tied in this matter, but I just found out that Titus has been writing the layout of a book behind my back. Apparently a couple of reporters contacted him a year ago and they offered him a book deal. I have no clue what this book is about, he claims it to be an autobiography, but I’ll believe it when I see it.  _

_ Anyways, I hope that life is treating you well. And I hoped that I wouldn’t be bringing you these news. _

_ Andrew Garrett _

By this letter alone she was confused. She let the letter fall to the bed. He hadn’t heard from her in  _ weeks _ ? Did that mean that her mama had only been pretending to be so depressed that she couldn’t get out of bed? Was that why the pills didn’t work, was it because she simply wasn’t sick? She felt the anger yet again bubble up, but this time it was her mama she was angry with.

She continued on to the second letter. And she was a sentence in before she remembered who this letter was from, and when she did she got chills down her spine.

_ Lenore. _

_ Why must you string me along? Haven’t I given you everything in life? I gave you children, which you have taken from me and never let me see again, I gave you a house, which is falling apart according to my joke of an attorney, I gave you everything that I could have and more. And now that I want something, you can’t give me that. Sign those goddamned papers Lenore or so help me God, I won’t know what to do. _

_ Also, remember what we talked about on your last visit? Do you remember when I said that I was writing? I remember you not supporting me and saying that it was a bad idea, but guess what? You were WRONG. Some people got in touch with me. They want to publish what I’ve written. Beth-Anne supports me, but you didn’t. A wife is supposed to support her husband. That is God's law. You have disobeyed me, and thereby broken God’s law. You are no longer worthy of being my wife. And you won’t get a penny of the money from MY book.  _

_ And it’s all your fault. _

_ Titus. _

Lexa felt sick to her stomach. She knew that they had had some sort of relationship after he went to prison, but this letter… This letter seemed different. It was like their relationship had evolved into something much darker than what she had imagined. Had her mama been in worse shape than they’d realized? Of course they had tried to keep telling her that she shouldn’t go see him, but she wouldn’t listen. Maybe it hadn’t been her choice after all. Maybe she had been forced, and maybe she had been too far gone to realize it.

Had he threatened her at any point? By the sound of this letter the answer to that was yes.

Suddenly, she just felt tired. Tired and emptied out of all emotions, she was even tired of feeling tired. Was that even possible?

But she had one more letter to read. And this was the letter that she feared the most. She opened it with shaking hands and almost started crying only having read the first words.

_ My dearest Alexandria, _

_ I know you don’t like that name, but I want you to still remember who you are after all of this. You are my daughter. You came into this world as a fighter. Did I ever tell you that you had the cord wrapped around your neck? You came out looking like a blueberry. That was the most terrifying two minutes of my life, but you wouldn’t stop fighting, even though your journey into this world was rough and unfair. _

_ All throughout your life you’ve always been on another level than your brother and sister. You’ve always been so aware. I worried, as a mother. While they wanted to play hide and seek, you wanted to come up with battle strategies. When Anya was learning how to write, you observed and watched her like a hawk, and the next week you wrote your first sentence without ever writing a word in your life. You were only three.  _

_ I kept this from your father. I did not know what he would think of this. In his world only boys can be this advanced at such an early stage of life. But you my darling, you are just as special as any boy. I didn’t want to cause you any harm, so I kept it to myself. But I’ve always been so proud of you. _

_ It saddens me though that I don’t possess your strength. I thought that if I kept my promise to God and stayed with your father, I would be forgiven for letting all of those atrocities happen while we were still living under the same roof. I still doubt this, but at least God will see that I tried. But it hurt more than I can say to learn of what your father did. _

_ I am so very sorry, my brave daughter, for I do not possess your strength to put things behind me. _

_ I will always love you. I will always be with you. _

_ Please forgive me, _

_ With Love, Mama _

Lexa held the letter tight in her hands, tears dripping down her cheeks.

Her anger she’d felt had long since disappeared. Right at this second she didn’t think that she could forgive her. Did that make her a terrible person? Maybe. But she had been plagued by nightmares since it happened, waking up so scared and paralyzed she’d started having problems laying still when she was trying to sleep.

But maybe in a few months, she could work on her mama’s wish of forgiveness. 

Because even though it was hard to understand why she did it, she got why her mama had come to the conclusion of why taking her own life was her only way out. How long had her father had this aggressive tone towards her? That would make anyone feel awful, and her mama had to have been enduring it for years and years. It made Lexa shudder, thinking about what she’d gone through. She’d have no one to talk to about this. She had been alone.

She went into her room, taking mama’s letter with her. And then she dug out the reporter’s card.

_ Zoe Monroe _

_ The New York Times _

_ +1 646 388 1038 _

[ _ zoe.monroe@ny.times.com _ ](mailto:zoe.monroe@ny.times.com)

If her father could write an autobiography about the horrible life that he’d led, she could write an article about hers and how they were nothing like him.

She texted Zoe, agreeing to meet up with her the following day. She got an encouraging text back, but she doubted that this Zoe felt that way on Lexa’s behalf. Lexa had given her the story of the year. She had never really given an interview about that night before, ever, so all that the public knew of that night and the connection between her father and her had been told through police reports and what a google search got you. So the world didn’t even really know how it all went down that night.

But she would tell her story, and maybe, just maybe, not so many people would be eager to read her father’s book.

That night when she crawled beneath the covers in her bed, she was so exhausted that she knew even before she closed her eyes that she wouldn't have any nightmares that night. When she opened them again the next morning, she'd been right. And that had been the first night in over two weeks which she hadn't been startled awake.

After meeting with Zoe a few times she started to realize that even though she was a journalist, she wasn’t so bad. She might have been judging her a little too hard. But in her defense, she had approached her at her mama’s funeral. Zoe had apologized for that a dussin times and when Lexa had started to get tired of them she just started to wave them away.

Lexa had written a draft and they had been meeting a few times going over and over it, correcting a few errors and changed a few sentences, but even though it was only Zoe reading it Lexa felt exposed.

“So how about this?” Zoe asked and spoke aloud. “ _ The face that I saw wasn’t the one I knew. He wasn’t the one who tied my shoelaces or tucked me in at night. Suddenly he wasn’t my dad, but a monster. _ ”

Lexa looked down at the table, scratching the surface with her nail. “Yeah, that sounds accurate.”

Suddenly Zoe’s hand rested atop hers. “I know this must be hard. But remember why you’re doing this.”

Lexa nodded, and looked up. “Alright. How do you feel, is it done?”

Zoe shook her head. “No, let’s read through it one more time. I want to triple check it to make sure it really tells your story with just the right amount of truth, feeling and setting.” Lexa admired her for that. 

But that resulted in her going home with a killer headache at 8:30 pm. She sat with her eyes closed on the subway thinking how her life had just turned on her in a matter of weeks. She was just happy that Anya had been there for some of it. Now January was soon over and they were racing towards February, she was so busy with school, the paper, soccer, photography club and now this article that she barely had any time left over for herself. If the Uncle’s were worried about her they didn’t share it with her. They just made sure that she came down to eat whenever it was time for dinner and they were just happy that she seemed to be more like herself.

They of course had no idea that she was writing an article for  _ The Times _ , no one knew. Zoe said that the fewer that knew, the better. And since she was going to put her original name on the article she probably wouldn’t have to worry about reporters, since she wrote nothing in the article about her new name. 

The article sometimes felt like a burden being lifted off of her shoulders, and sometimes she just wanted to take it back and bury it along with her mama. But every time she just kept coming back to the letter her mama wrote her and how she deserved better than what living had given her. This would at least let the world know that they hadn’t been terrible people. No one could blame her if they knew how  _ normal  _ her dad had been growing up.

She walked up the steps to the apartment and went in as fast as usual. She could hear voices in the kitchen, and the delicious smell of chicken wafting through the air.

“Hey,” she said and walked in. But she stopped dead when she saw who was sitting at their table.

“Hey hon,” Gustus said. “You didn’t tell me Finn was coming over!”

“He didn’t mention it to me either,” she said and approached the table slowly. Finn was sitting across from Gustus and Lincoln and next to an empty chair. Uncle Nyko sat at the head of the table. Finn was looking her way with an innocent and, if you knew him, a smug smile. It made Lexa’s stomach boil.

“Hey there,” he said. “Don’t you remember we had that project?”

“No,” she said. “I think you should go.”

“We just started, come and sit down Lex,” Gustus said. Lexa stood still for maybe a second longer before slowly moving forward. 

She could just as well kill him after dinner.  _ What was he doing here?!  _ Both she and he certainly knew they didn’t have any projects scheduled to do today. They didn’t even have any group assignments in school. He was up to something and something told her she would hate it.

“Finn, how are you doing?” Uncle Nyko said and Lexa had to stop herself from letting out a growl.

“I’d lie if I said that I was fine,” he said with a theatrical sigh. “But seeing Lexa more as herself has made it easier, you know?”

“Yes,” he said in agreement and smiled. Ugh, damn them and their too trusting systems! Couldn’t they see right through him? The last time she’d seen him, he’d wanted to write about her life’s story, submit it to  _ The Times  _ and take all the credit. He’d also appeared a bit stalkerish. He was just bad news, period. And she wanted him out of the house.

But she’d had to sit and endure a whole hour of this theatre before they finally had cleared their plates and Lexa was free to drag him forcefully by the arm towards the hallway.

“Ow!” He said but shut up when she threw him a glare.

“What  _ the hell  _ was this?!” She said, no mistaking her tone for anything other than fury. “You can’t just show up here!”

“Why not? Look, it’s impossible to talk to you at school-”

“Take a hint,” she hissed.

“But you said that I could write that article about you. Time’s running out Woods.”

“What?” She said bewildered and paused for a second. “When did I ever say that?”

“At the memorial,” he said and she could tell that he was getting frustrated. “You said that I could write it.”

“No, I didn’t,” she said.

“When you walked away, you said ‘ _ Maybe _ ’. In my book, that’s a yes.”

She stood there, struck by how stupid he really was. 

“In what universe is a maybe a yes?” She even forgot to sound furious.

“Don’t be selfish, you don’t even want to write it,” he said, getting more irritated. “So, when do you wanna meet?”

“And do what?”

“C’mon Woods, are you dumb? To write the article!”

“I’m not writing an article with you, ever,” she said and she was forced to form fists with her hands and put them on her sides so that they wouldn’t go flying towards his face.

“You can’t do that, you promised!”

“Finn, a  _ maybe  _ is not anywhere near a  _ yes _ ! Get that through your head!”

He was fuming by now. “So you’re just going to not tell anyone? You’re going to let everyone just assume that you’re all just a bunch of freaks who lived with a psychotic killer?”

She was seriously close to punching him before he’d mentioned her family, but now he’d crossed a line. If he didn’t go soon, she’d be the one making a mistake here tonight and they both would be the bad guy. “I never said that.”

“What?” 

Lexa wouldn’t lie, it felt good to see the spark going out in his eyes.

“I never said that I wouldn’t still share my story.” Her voice was calm and controlled, but on the inside she was slowly boiling over.

“What have you done?” He spit out, his voice venomous and his eyes dark with fury.

“I’ve written an article that will be published in  _ The New York Times _ . Something that I actually said the word ‘ _ yes _ ’ to. And there’s nothing you can do to change that.”

She didn’t expect it. But right after that last word, she blinked and suddenly his arm was flying towards her. But as he sensed what was about to happen, as fast as the wind, Bullet came and went straight for his moving arm. 

He jumped and sank his teeth deep into the arm of Finn Collins.

Lexa had never loved that dog more than this second.

Finn let out a scream which made everyone come running towards the hall, but Lexa didn’t care. She was still in shock over what had been about to happen, if not for Bullet. She felt no sorrow that Finn was now in need of possible urgent care.

“What is going on?  _ Bullet! _ ” Uncle Gustus said and ran forward to try and pry Bullet away from Finn. But he just growled and held on tighter. “Bullet, for the love of God!”

Lexa looked into Finn’s eyes, finding joy in that they were filled with pain and fear, and waited two more seconds. “Bullet, down boy,” Lexa said, and in an instant, Bullet’s teeth loosened and Finn could cradle his arm to his chest.

“Now,” Lexa said sweetly. “Get the  _ hell  _ off our property, or I’m calling the police.”

Finn cast one last furious glance behind him as he scurried away, being met with a murderous glance from Lexa and three very confused and upset pairs of eyes from Uncle Gus, Uncle Nyko and Lincoln. But a growl from Bullet made him pull the door closed with a bang.

“Lexa!” Gustus said with a thundering voice and turned around. “I want to know  _ exactly  _ why this happened, and don’t leave anything out! Everyone, in the kitchen!”

Without a word, they all went and sat down. It was a while they had all been taken to the table to 'have a talk'. The last time it was because they’d found out that Anya had shoplifted.

“So?” Uncle Gustus barked out.

She took a breath before starting. “Finn knows who I am. Who I  _ really  _ am. He knows that I’m the daughter of Titus Forest that got him caught.” That one sentence made everyone sit more straight, and Uncle Gus snapped shut. “It all started at the memorial, but he must have been planning this for some time. A reporter came up to me at mama’s memorial an-”

“Wait, what?” Uncle Nyko said, very confused.

“Please, I’ll explain.” Lexa said and continued. “She wanted to write an article from my point of view of what happened that night in the woods. I told her no, and she tried to convince me otherwise, but since it was mama’s memorial I was so upset. She went away, but then Finn came. He had been observing me.” That made her shudder. “He, instead of offering comfort, asked ‘ _ why in the hell I wouldn’t want to share my story _ ’. That also made me pretty upset. He then said that he wanted to write the article and send it into  _ The Times  _ himself. I apparently had told him maybe and just gone home. When I said this, he took this as a yes apparently. What he didn’t know was that I the next day met up with the reporter and there I agreed to write the article-”

“You’re doing what?” Uncle Gus said, but Lexa just gave him a look. 

“The article’s almost finished. That’s why I came home late today, I was meeting with Zoe, the reporter. Anyways, I’ve been avoiding Finn at school. I can’t look at him after who he turned out to be, and he knows my secret. When I saw him here, pretending to be someone he’s not, I got so mad. And after, he claimed that I’d promised to let him write my article. I told him no, and he got angry. I didn’t see it coming, if Bullet hadn’t jumped on him, he would’ve broken my jaw, or some other part of my face.”

She looked around the table, and saw three confused men. But in Uncle Gus there was something else, something that Lexa knew very well. She saw that boiling anger under the surface, the tight fists, the pursed lips and the hard stare. And when he met her stare, Lexa only held her head high.

“Alright,” he said. “What are we going to do?”

Lexa was so glad that she was his niece. But she shook her head. “Nothing. After tonight, I doubt that he’ll continue bothering me with this, after all, he’s got no claim to this story. It’s  _ my  _ story. It’s being published soon in the papers and then everyone will know what truly happened that night, not some glammed up version that my father has written.”

“He’s  _ what _ ?!” Uncle Nyko said, and Lincoln’s head flew up. 

_ Dammit. _

“This reporter, Zoe, works at  _ The Times.  _ She hears things, and apparently he’s written almost a whole autobiography that’s almost done that some publishers have chosen to publish soon. I don’t know how soon, but I do know that it’s a sure thing. I just wanted people to read what is the true story of that night and that they get the true picture of us, before being told of the lies that will be in that book. I couldn’t do that to mama. I couldn’t let her be remembered by what the psycho that drove her to her suicide wrote about her.”

She could see them processing the information, and she could see Lincoln’s tense shoulders. She hated inflicting him pain, but he was starting to get older and he needed to know the things their father was doing in order to understand the things she was doing. He would thank her someday, even if that day might not be for years.

“You’ve been dealing with all of this, by yourself?” Uncle Nyko said with a voice full of concern and hurt. “You didn’t feel like you could tell us?”

“I didn’t want to burden you with this, mama just died, and-”

“That’s not your decision to make, dammit Alexandria!” Uncle Nyko said and stood up. “We’re supposed to be the parents! We’re supposed to take care of  _ you _ , not the other way around!”

“Nyko!” Uncle Gustus said. He seemed to know how he’d acted, because he leaned over the back of his chair and raked his hands in his hair. 

“I’m sorry, God, I’m sorry. But I just hate that you’ve been dealing with this, again, all by yourself! You’re just a child!”

“I know that you’re just trying to protect me,” Lexa said, her voice calm and collected. “But I haven’t been ‘ _ just a child _ ’ in a very long time. I might only be fifteen, but I’ve been dealing with this all by myself for years. You weren’t out there in the woods. You weren’t the one going down those steps, finding Costia naked and bound to a bed in that cold shed. You didn’t trekk miles upon miles through the woods, in the night while supporting someone weighing twice as much as you. It’s not your dad they’ve been talking about in the news. And you’re not the one who found mama dead in bed. All of the terrible moments in our lives,  _ I’m the one who’s had to witness them first hand _ !”

“We know this Lexa,” Gustus said with a tired voice. “And I can’t say anything other than I’m sorry that you’d have to live through any of those.”

Lexa sat quiet, tired to her bones. “Rather me than you,” she said with a quiet voice. “I’m going to bed, I have school tomorrow.”

And up she went, and for the first time in weeks, she fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow, and she slept a dreamless night and didn’t wake up until her alarm rang at six thirty the next morning.

She woke up to a text from Zoe Monroe.

**_They’re publishing your article with tomorrow’s newspaper. Good work. - Z_ **

She closed her eyes and drew a breath. It was really happening. She didn’t know why, but it kind of felt like relief. She’d been carrying this around, not really telling people outside of her family except for sheriff Tanner, Dr Griffin and Nilyah. No one really knew the truth, just versions of it. She’d heard some crazy ones over the years. Some that made her want to laugh, and some that it had taken every last bit of self control not to just punch that person straight in the face.

But after tomorrow, everyone will know. 

She felt like she’d just won a marathon, but without her clothes on. It was a very strange feeling, she’d admit to that. But tomorrow it would all be over. She just hoped that she didn’t have to see Finn’s face today at school.

Turns out, she didn’t have to worry about that.

She got downstairs and was met with three extremely grim people by the couch in the living room.

“What?” She said and got instantly worried. They looked as if someone had died.

Turns out someone did. Sort of.

“Look out the window,” Lincoln said. Something was off about his voice, and that sent a chill down her back. She walked over and looked out, and yanked her head back.

_ Reporters.  _ It wasn’t a person that had died. It was Lexa’s new identity that was dead. That  _ someone  _ had leaked.

“That son of a bitch,” Lexa said. “I’ll kill him.”

“No, you won’t,” Uncle Nyko said.

“I’m planning on doing that myself,” Uncle Gus said and turned towards Uncle Nyko. “What’s your plan?”

“Notifying the police,” he said. “This is harassment. Or Trespassing, or something! They’ve uprooted us once before, they can’t do it again. I’ll get a restraining order so that they’ll stay away from you. I’ll do anything, but no one’s killing anyone!”

“Don’t you see?” Lexa said on the verge of hysterics. “He did this! Just to get back at me for not letting him publish my piece. But I can’t do anything about it, because what he did was perfectly legal. Not if you went by ethics, but Finn Collins would have to have a conscience in order to know that. He’s ruined our lives. And again, it's because of me,” she said with a quieter voice, sinking down on the couch.

“He might have made it more difficult,” Uncle Gus said and sat beside her. “But he hasn’t ruined our lives. I’ve still got you. All of you. And that’s really all that matters. We’ve got to show him that, that he doesn’t bother us. So what you’re going to do is that you’re going to get dressed, eat breakfast and go to school. You show him what we, the Wood’s clan, are made of.”

Lexa looked up in his determined eyes, determined enough to power all of New York, and nodded once. And she did what he asked of her. They got dressed, ate breakfast and went out to the car. They quickly jumped in avoiding any questions and sped off.

All day at school there was no sign of him. Lexa was a bit disappointed. She’d loved to knock out a tooth or two. But if she were to take a wild guess hers would be that he was too much of a coward to actually show his face here today, or any day for as long as she was there.

Something that was a bit odd though was that there were no more reporters all day. None at school, and when she walked to meet with Zoe at her office in their buildings no one cast their eyes towards her more than once. Something was off.

“I’ve got a problem,” Lexa said a while later. In her hand she had the first slip of paper that she’d received. “I know I haven’t called for a while-”

“Lexa, it’s okay,” sheriff Tanner said on the other side. “What’s up?”

“I need some advice. This kid in my year, Finn Collins, has figured out who I am, and when I refused to let him publish an article about what happened that night he went ballistic. I think he might have leaked my new identity.”

“This Finn Collins, he seems normal to you? Before all of this?”

“I guess? He and I have AP biology, maths and the paper together. He used to walk Bullet with me on Fridays.”

“Bullet?”

“Lincoln’s dog.”

“Let me get back to you, I’ll see what I can find out. Be careful.”

“I will, thanks,” she said and hung up. Her phone buzzed and she pulled it out.

**_How are you doing? I’m worried about you. Call me! - C_ **

As much as she’d like to call Costia right now, she felt as if she’d only put her in danger.

**_I’m fine, you worry too much. - L_ **

She hadn’t told her yet about Finn. Why worry Costia? She had just gotten her life working for her again, no way in hell Lexa would take that from her. Her father had taken enough time.

The next morning Uncle Gus knocked on her door. When she let him in he was in a mixed state. He just held out the paper towards her. She took it, knowing exactly what would be on it, but still she felt that weird feeling wash over her. She unfolded it and gasped. She didn’t know Zoe had added a picture of that night, she didn’t even know there had ever been a photo. But there she was, sitting white as a ghost in that small sheriff’s station with her back against the wall. She realised that it must have been from the security camera from the station. God, she looked small.

**Alexandria Forest: “** **_Suddenly he wasn’t my dad, but a monster._ ** **”**

She didn’t have to read more, she knew every word. But she did flip to the last page. There, just as she’d promised.  _ Alexandria _ . She hadn’t wanted to sign it with Lexa Woods, for obvious reasons, but she also wanted to honour her mama’s wishes and that’s why she’d chosen to sign it at all. But she didn’t want Forest next to it. She hadn’t wanted it in the headline, but Zoe explained that otherwise people wouldn’t connect the two of them. But otherwise, no last name is mentioned. She and Uncle Gustus walked downstairs, and Uncle Nyko beamed at her.

“Even though this might bite us all in the backside someday, that doesn’t change that I’m hella proud of you today.” He gave her a long hug, and she sighed. She just hoped that someday wouldn’t be for a long while.

“Hey,” she said. “Where are all of the reporters?” She walked to the window and looked out. No van or reporter in sight.

“Got a call from sheriff Tanner,” Uncle Gustus said with a smug look on his face. “Turns out that our buddy Finn has had some trouble with law and enforcement over some time. A judge had agreed to let his case slide seeing as he’d had a rough year, but Tanner managed to get a hold of his files. He’d sent out a detective to his house where he was holed up and at first he didn’t take her seriously, which the detective didn’t like at all. When he started to realize that this detective was the real deal he’d started to get real nervous. Saying that he was sorry for hiring some  _ theatrics _ to scare us thinking your secret was out. According to him, it was all just fun and games. This detective didn’t agree. He’s right now sitting in custody at one of New York’s police departments.”

“No way!” Lexa said and felt the weight leaving her chest more and more the more Uncle Gus spoke. It was like Christmas. “But they can’t charge him with anything, can they?”

“Sadly no. But the detective, who I’m going to send flowers to by the way, has informed him that she’s going to keep his file in a drawer in her desk. She’d told him that from now on she’s going to keep tabs on him, saying that if he’d ever step a toe out of line she’d have him back in that cell, and for good that time. Finn won’t be a problem anymore to our family.”

Lexa couldn’t help it, she just started laughing. She laughed and laughed and laughed, and then the tears came and she started to cry. She put her head up towards the sky and laughed some more and felt this heavy weight just disappear off of her chest. For the first time in a long time, she was happy. And she was surrounded by every person, minus two, that she held most dear to her in this entire universe. They were safe, and so was she. This was by far the best morning she’d had in a long while. 

And she knew that she needed to appreciate it, because these moments never lasted long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Head over to Instagram and come say hi! @ao3fantasycloud
> 
> Thank you everyone for the love, kudos and comments! 
> 
> YOU GUYS MAKE MY DAY SO MUCH BETTER!


	7. Polis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we have it, Lexa as an adult!! And now I can officially say that there will be no more time jumps, at least not year long ones ;)
> 
> This is more of an introduction to her life as an adult, we'll get to meet more characters and get to the nitty and gritty in the coming chapters, stay tuned! 
> 
> Enjoy! XO - fantasycloud

Lexa couldn’t believe that she was back in Polis. If she’d told her ten year old self that she eventually would move back, she would’ve either laughed at her or punched her in the face. 

But driving through the town centre and remembering how often she’d been here she couldn’t help but feeling like she was home.

It had taken her a long time accepting what had happened to her. She still had some nightmares, but they weren’t at all as frequent as they used to be. But at least she’d stopped thinking that a part of what had happened was her fault. That article she’d published all those years ago had helped a lot. Many had reached out to her and told her of how they never fully had realized what she’d actually gone through. Some of them were shocked at how young she’d been and how well she’d handled it.

She had her window rolled down and happily breathed in the southern hot summer air. She heard a jealous whine behind her and laughed.

“Alright,” she said and rolled down the backseat window for Parker. Parker was a german shepherd and she’d had him for about four years now. She’d gotten the call about a fire at a shelter in New York and when she’d rescued Parker from the flames, she couldn’t let him go. “We’re home bud,” she said and drove through the town.

It’d grown since she’d last been here. The city centre had extended some more and now new shops and diners lined the main street far beyond that city square. But the sheriff’s station, the city hall and the church still looked the same. She would’ve loved to park her car and walk around a little, but if she’d do that she’d miss her meeting with the real estate agent.

Lexa hadn’t originally planned on moving back. She was happy with how her life looked. It was mostly just her and Parker, and on occasion the Uncle’s. After high school she’d had no idea of what she wanted to do for the rest of her life, she’d taken some missteps which earned her a law degree, but somehow she ended up as a firefighter. She’d worked at firehouse 76 in New York when she, Anya and Lincoln were talking one day over FaceTime and Lincoln announced that he was moving back to Polis.

_“Why on God’s green earth would you move back?” Anya had said with her eyebrows scrunched up._

_“You know Ahn, the town is just a town after all.” Neither sister bought this. “Alright, fine. I may have met someone,” he said with a huff after years of experience that he wouldn’t have been able to keep it to himself._

_“You what?!” Anya had said and jumped up._

_“Who?” Lexa said and pulled the screen closer to her face. This had been their solution, they FaceTimed at least once a week due to everyone’s different location status. Anya lived in Chicago, Lincoln was in Washington DC and Lexa in New York._

_“Her name is Octavia,” he said and Lexa could instantly see that his face lit up just talking about her. “She’s amazing, she’s fun and smart and brave, you guys’ll love her,” he said proudly. “She loves sports,” he added and a sound of joy was heard from Anya’s end._

_“Wait,” Lexa said and focused on Lincoln. “Octavia? As in Octavia and Bellamy Blake?”_

_“No way,” Anya said._

_“Well I didn’t plan on ending up dating our neighbour from over two decades ago if that’s what you were thinking,” he said with a laugh. “We met here at college actually.”_

_“No shit,” Anya said._

_“Did she remember you?” Lexa said, suddenly feeling worried about him. She guessed that by now it was a habit._

_“Lex, I’ve told her everything. You don’t have to worry though, I’ve asked her to keep it to herself.”_

_“And she agreed to that?”_

_“Like I said, she’s amazing.”_

_“Alright lover boy,” Anya said. “So, do we get to meet Octavia anytime soon? God knows it's been a while.”_

_“We’re moving in a month, just bought a house close to the city centre. You guys are going to love it,” Lincoln said and Lexa was at once struck with how old he sounded, but at the same time how young he was. Lincoln, her baby brother, had already met someone and bought a house together with her. He was only twenty four._

_“Alright, I’ll come and check it out,” Anya said._

_“Me too,” Lexa said. “Hey, Linc? I’m really proud of you.”_

_“You too,” Linc said and not too long after that the call ended._

That was about a year ago now and Lexa had yet to see their house. She felt a little bit guilty about the fact, but she always blamed it on her work. Over the holidays they’d all just gathered at the Uncle’s place in the city so she’d seen everyone then. It had been so surreal meeting Octavia again. It was like no time had passed, they just picked up where they’d left off.

But it wasn’t until Lincoln had called Lexa, specifically just Lexa, in a panic and confessing that Octavia was pregnant that she’d decided that it was time for her to settle down in Polis. They all had really missed out on growing up around a normal family and she really wanted her niece or nephew to have family around them. Every time Lexa thought about her becoming an aunt, it was like someone was pouring a bucket full of ice over her. She was terrified. But happy, and excited and afraid. 

It wasn’t official yet, Lincoln had only called her a few weeks ago with the news. Yesterday she’d gotten the news about the approved transfer from her firehouse in New York to the one in Polis. When she’d been on the phone with Chief Jaha he’d sounded delighted that they would receive her. And when she mentioned that she worked as a lieutenant in New York, he’d nearly cried.

She hadn’t told anyone about her moving here either, she wanted to sign the contract for work and sign the papers of a house she’d been looking at before telling anyone about what she was about to do so it would be harder to talk her out of it. 

They drove out of the city centre and continued to drive towards the opposite part of town which she had only heard of growing up. That was her only catch of moving back. A city might only be a city, but some parts still held bad memories. So she’d gotten in touch with a real estate agent in the area and told him about what she was looking for and he’d soon forwarded her three different houses on the market. As if it was meant to be, she’d instantly fallen for one of the houses.

The house looked like it was taken out of a fairytale. It was an old brick house with ivy clinging to most of its walls, with large old windows. The sturdy door was made out of what looked like oak and was painted black. The house consisted of three floors, she suspected two main floors and one attic. The pictures hadn’t shown much more than the front of the house and the garden, but Lexa didn’t care. She had money, she barely had any expenses since she was always on the move and usually she just stayed at motels and whenever someone bought a print of hers she received part of that amount. All and all, being close to thirty with almost no expenses resulted in Lexa having a lot of money and nothing to spend it on. She actually looked forward to having this as her project.

She drove up the winding road through the woods and when the house started to become visible she almost let out a gasp. It was so much more beautiful in person. It had so much character, with the large windows, the ever changing structure of the roof, the chimney sticking up and the yard stretching out before the house. Lexa vaguely felt like she was being transported to England.

She drove all the way up and got out of the car, opening the door for Parker. He instantly flew out of the car and excitedly started going round the property sniffing every possible thing to sniff. Lexa wasn’t worried about him, he knew not to wander off far. 

“Lexa Woods?” She heard a male voice say. She turned her head and was met with what must be the real estate agent who was currently striding out from behind the house. “I’m Marcus Kane, it’s nice to finally meet you!”

Lexa waved and walked up to him. “Very nice indeed,” she said politely and shook his outstretched hand. “I must say, I’m already in love with the house.”

“Yes, it’s really something,” Marcus said. “As I told you in the email, the house was built in the late nineteen hundreds and ever since the forties it has been used as a bed and breakfast. Sadly the previous owner passed away about a decade or so ago and has left the place standing empty ever since. But it has running water, heat, working plumbing, everything you need really,” he said with a nervous laugh.

Lexa realized that he must still be trying to convince her about the house’s own charm, he didn’t know that Lexa had decided to go through with the house from the moment she’d laid eyes on it in that email. But she really wanted to step inside the house and take a tour, so she kept that information to herself.

“This house has a lot of potential,” he continued and started to walk slowly towards the entrance. “It has eight bedrooms and seven baths, two masters of each. The kitchen has a view out over the garden and looks out over the lake. The two larger windows you see from here,” he said and pointed to either side of the door, “Is the living room on the right and a study, the one on the left. It would also work fine to remodel the house,” he said and they had now reached the door.

When he opened the door and gestured for her to walk in, she fell even more in love with it. Everything from the flooring to the staircase to the windows seemed to still be here from when it had been built. She did admit that it was obvious that no one had cared for it since the passing of the previous owner, but she was confident that a construction crew could help her with that. She walked in a bit further and entered the kitchen.

It was a rather large kitchen and over the sink and stove were two windows overlooking the view and she could just imagine herself sipping her morning coffee just standing there, looking out on the new day. She would need to replace the entire kitchen though, some of the cabinets looked almost rotten to her, but that didn’t matter.

“Well,” Marcus said and scratched his head. “I must admit that no one’s been in here in years. It hasn’t been properly taken care of, and-”

“I understand,” Lexa said. “Nothing to worry about.”

“Right then,” he said and scratched his chin. “But the plumbing is still working okay,” he said and went over to the sink and turned the water on. A gurgling sound was heard and the water came, sure, but very slow and with a splutter. He turned it off and Lexa almost felt bad for not telling him that he didn’t need to try and sell it so much.

“Are there any good construction companies around here in town?” She asked and moved a room over to the living room. She almost didn’t get what Marcus responded with because of the beauty of this room.

“Yes, that would be Blake’s construction firm that you’d want to contact,” he said and dug out a card. “He’s got a great crew, does anything from fixing a window to house renovations.”

“Blake’s?” Lexa said and turned her head. “Bellamy Blake?”

“Yes,” Marcus said and lifted an eyebrow. “You know him?”

“I think ‘knew’ is the accurate term,” she said and smiled. “A long time ago.”

“Hm,” he said. “Well, this is the living room. Gorgeous room, spacious even with the large fireplace.”

Lexa couldn’t agree more. This room was twice the size of the kitchen with large windows covering two of the four walls if you didn’t count the archway that they had gone through from the kitchen. It had one of those large fireplaces that you’d dream of having around Christmas in between two of the windows on the shorter wall. Lexa could already envision how she wanted the room to look like and her whole body itched to start looking for furniture.

They went room by room, Marcus sometimes chipped in with some random facts about the house and Lexa sometimes asked a question about the property, but it went as smoothly as she’d expected. When they came outside out back, Lexa couldn’t believe her eyes.

“Here you can see is why the price is what it is,” Marcus said with a somewhat proud smile on his face. That facial expression alone made Lexa realize that this house was probably very dear to the people of this town in general, but no one really had the time or money to properly entertain it.

“Yeah,” she said. “I get it.”

The garden was so many things all at once. It almost looked like rooms. She could hear a pond from somewhere and the scent in the air from all of the flowers was just a mixture of pure joy and peace. There were small trees with fruit growing, vegetable lands, flower beds, you name it. Lexa doubted a highly skilled landscaper could manage this.

“It’s beautiful,” she mumbled and couldn’t tear her eyes away.

“It truly is.” He went and took a seat on one of the garden benches. “Can I ask you a personal question?”

At that Lexa froze, thinking that somehow the truth was out. But _how_? She’d been there for all of five seconds. How could he possibly have made the connection already? Was it her knowing Bellamy Blake that tipped him off?

“This is a rather large house,” he continued and Lexa blew out a breath. It was about the house. _Calm down,_ she said to herself. “And from what I’ve gathered you are going to live here alone. I don’t want to sound rude, but it’s an awful lot of house for just one person.”

“Oh no worries,” she said and waved his awkwardness away. “I don’t know really. I’ve been searching for a place to settle down in close to a decade now, and this is going to sound weird, but as soon as I saw the house I knew that that’s where I was meant to live. It’s just something about it…”

It took him a moment to process that last bit, because when he figured out what she said he jumped up. “You would like to buy it? Even though it’ll take a lot of time to fix?”

“Yes,” she said and nodded. “This is the place for me. I don’t know what all of these rooms will be, but I’ll figure it out. My brother and his wife are having a baby, so I’ll probably set up a room for them if they come visiting. Wouldn’t be hard, seeing as they live here in town.”

“Wait,” he said and looked at her. “You said your name was Lexa _Woods_ right? As in Lincoln Woods?”

“You know my brother?” She said and now she was surprised. The town was small, sure, but not _that_ small.

“What a small world,” he said with a laugh. “Me and Abby live a couple of houses down from them and Abby’s daughter Clarke has been talking a lot about Octavia, who’s her best friend, and Lincoln. I think that she’s a bit jealous of Octavia. Anyways, I’ve met him more times than I can count over the last few years, he’s a great kid. Loves Octavia more than life itself I would say.”

Lexa smiled at this. She knew what he was talking about. Whenever Lincoln and Octavia were in the same room together as any of them, it was as if they didn’t exist, only the two of them. If that wasn’t true love, Lexa didn’t know what to believe it was.

“He’s actually the reason why I wanted to come back,” she said with a smile. “It was a while ago that we lived together and I sort of miss having him and my sister close. And since it’s only me and Parker, it can get pretty boring sometimes,” she laughed. At the sound of his name, Parker came running over.

“Who’s a good boy,” she cooed and gave him a pat. “He’s great company, but I’m lacking in human social contact,” she joked. “I’ve started talking to myself, not good.”

He laughed with her and talked some more before getting back to the house.

“Are you sure about this? You don’t want to sleep on it?”

“No,” Lexa said and shook her head. “I’ve decided. Do you have a pen so I can sign the contract?”

“Yes,” he said. They’d discussed the money and had agreed that Lexa would just contact her bank man and have him transfer the money directly where they should be. The price was a lot, but nothing she couldn’t afford. It was worth it.

“Well, congratulations,” he said and shook her hand. “I wish I knew this would happen, I would’ve brought champagne,” he said and smiled.

“Oh don’t trouble yourself,” she said and waved it away.

“Nonsense! Why don’t you come over tomorrow night? We’re hosting a barbeque night, there’s going to be a lot of people there. Lincoln and Octavia’s coming!”

“If it’s not any trouble,” she said and he just waved it away.

“No trouble at all, the more the merrier!”

When Marcus had driven off and left Lexa alone she took a seat at the bench in the garden and looked out over the lake at the foot of the mountain the house was built upon. Her little slice of heaven. Hers and hers alone. It was a weird feeling, she decided, having just bought a house after not living in one for so long. But first and foremost it felt right. More so then she’d ever thought possible.

“Well Parker,” she said and stroked his mane. “What do you think of our new home?” He looked up at her with his loving and trusting eyes, and Lexa smiled back. “I know, I love it too. Now you won’t have to ride in the car so much anymore. Now you can just run around how much you’d like. Only if you stay out of the flowers,” she added a bit more sternly.

“I guess it’s time to call Linc, huh?” She would see him tomorrow, might be a good thing to tell him about what she’d just done before it would be announced at the dinner.

The tone rang three rings before he picked up.

“Hey Lex!” He sounded so happy.

“Hey you!”

“What’s up?”

“Nothing much,” she said with a smile. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing much,” he repeated and she had to hold back a laugh. “We were about to get dinner ready.”

“Great,” she said, and couldn’t hold it anymore. “Guess where I am?”

“Somewhere amazing,” he said with a laugh. “Some skyscrapers? Another national park? You know it’s your fault that Octavia’s been bugging me about a trip somewhere. She keeps checking your site.”

Since firefighters were on shift for 24 hours and off for 48, Lexa had a few years back started a small on the side business as a photographer. On her off days, her and Parker would travel to new sites and explore, she’d get some shots that she’d then publish on her website. She’d really gotten attention after Putting out a fire at an art gallery in the city, the owner of the gallery had noticed her and offered to show her prints at the gallery. Nowadays, she made pretty decent money out of it.

“Is she now? No, good guess, but that’s not where I am.”

“Alright, tell me then.”

“I’m looking out over my new garden.”

“Your garden? What, you purchased a plant to have in your car?” He said with a laugh.

“No,” she said with a huff. “I’m sitting on _my_ bench looking out over _my_ very newly purchased garden that belongs to this very large house that _I’ve_ just signed the contract for.” She made a point of emphasizing the ‘my’s’ and ‘I’s’ so that he would get that this was for real.

“Wait, what?”

She laughed. “Yep! I got tired of the constant noise outside of my apartment in the city, and this is honestly the perfect place for me. Needs fixing, but once it’s finished I guarantee you that it’s going to be even more beautiful than it already is.”

“Well I’ll be damned,” he said and Lexa could very well picture his expression. Too bad she couldn’t be there to witness it. “O, come here!” She heard him shout and a second later he switched to FaceTime. 

“Hey Lexa!” Octavia said when she came into the frame.

“Hey!” She said and was about to congratulate her, but Lincoln vigorously shook his head. Lexa snapped hers shut.

“Holy shit Lexa,” Lincoln said. “Is that the house?”

“What house?” Octavia said and leaned closer to the frame. “Woah,” she said and Lexa looked behind her and saw what they were looking at.

“Isn’t it amazing? And you can never guess where it is,” she said and kept a smug face on.

“Wait,” Octavia said. “No freaking way. Lexa, flip the camera around!”

With a smile she did as she was asked and she could hear Octavia shriek. She flipped it back and laughed at their expressions. Lincoln bore a confused one while Octavia was jumping up and down. “I can’t believe it! You bought that old thing?”

“What can I say,” she said. “You’ll be seeing more of me now Linc,” she said and now he was starting to get it.

“So you mean to tell me that you’ve bought a big ass house, here, in Polis?”

“Indeed I have! And my transfer went through, I’m officially Lieutenant Woods here at the Polis Fire Department. You’re going to be seeing a lot of me as of today.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Lincoln shouted with a smile.

“Didn’t want to before I signed the papers,” she said. “But the papers are signed and I’m about to call none other than Bellamy Blake to see if he’d be willing to come help me out with the place.”

Octavia stopped jumping up and down and stared at her. “Dude, he’s been dreaming of remodeling that house since, like, forever. You’re going to become his favorite person. I don’t think I can ever top that.”

Lexa laughed out loud, knowing that in seven or so short months that would no longer be the case. “Sorry.”

“Alright, call him!” She said and almost tackled Lincoln’s hand away from the phone. “You need to hang up now and call him, so that _I_ can call him and congratulate him! Call him, talk later!”

The call ended promptly and she laughed at Octavia. Her phone dinged a minute later with a text and that just made her laugh harder.

**_Octavia nearly started crying when she realized just now that she didn’t invite you to dinner. And then she nearly killed me when I didn’t remind her to invite you. (Please!!!) come to dinner. We’re (I’m) making lasagna! - L_ **

She typed out a quick yes before calling the number on the paper slip that Marcus Kane had given her to Bellamy Blake’s firm. She only had to wait for about two second before a male voice answered.

“ _Blake’s_ _Construction_ , this is Bellamy, how may I help you?” Lexa felt as if she’d been transported back in time to when she was seven when she heard his voice. 

“Hi,” she said. “My name is Lexa and I’ve just moved into town. I was wondering if you and your firm would be able to come and take a look at my house? It’s in dire need of some fixing.”

“Sure, I can come up,” he said. “What’s the address?”

“307 Crestwood Road.” She was met with silence. If it wasn’t for his intake of breath, she would’ve thought that he’d hung up on her. “Hello?”

“Are you _serious_?!”

“Yes?”

“307 Crestwood Road, that once has been a bed and breakfast? The pearl of our city, that house?”

“Yes,” she said with a laugh. “I’ve just bought it and I would like to move into it as soon as possible. Can you come and take a look and help me out with that?”

“I’ll be there in five,” he said and hung up. Lexa got the feeling that he, as soon as he hung up, raced out to his car and drove here as fast as he could, and she suspected that he would bend the thirty miles per hour speeding limit. She laughed at his response, and also felt relieved that he apparently loved the house as much as she did. Probably that would mean that he would have similar views on how she wanted certain things done.

She’d barely walked around the house when she heard a car turn up on the drive. She looked up and saw a big red truck with golden letters across the side spelling “ _Blake’s_ ” and out of the driver's side through an open window she saw that his arm was outstretched and waving at her.

She waved back and jogged up to his truck. What she didn’t expect though was that when he stepped out and turned towards her with a smile, he froze.

“Alexandria?” Lexa barely had any time to react before he burst into the biggest smile. “Oh my God!” He said and surged forward, giving her a hug. “You are about the least person I expected to ever see again! How’ve you been?”

She was so shocked by how he acted that it took her a few seconds to respond. “Well, good, I suppose?” She said and even to her ears she sounded winded. He let go of her and his whole face just beamed.

“It’s been a minute,” he said and whistled. “You grew up!”

“So did you,” she said with a laugh. “It’s just Lexa now, by the way.”

“Sorry, I knew that. Lincoln’s told me all about you and Anya, but it’s still surreal that you guys are back! It never felt quite the same without you here,” he said and smiled. “Welcome home?”

“Thanks,” she said. “Well, how’s life? I see you’ve started your own firm?”

“Yep, got it up and running about seven or so years ago on the side, I work as a firefighter down in town.”

“No way!” Lexa said with a laugh. “Are you on Squad or Truck?”

“Lieutenant on the Truck,” he said with a suspicious tone. “Don’t tell me-”

“I’m the new Lieutenant on Squad,” she said with a laugh.

“Oh my God! Chief must be thrilled, been a lieutenant short ever since Jake Griffin passed away,” he said with a sad smile. “Whole town mourned his loss, it has been very difficult to fill it since. I’ve done what I can, but I haven’t got the time with the construction firm and Gina. Gina, my wife, has only heard what Lincoln’s told her about you, but I think you two will get along just fine by the way, she’s pretty easy going.”

“Well, I’ll make sure to let everyone know I’m not here to fill his shoes,” she said. “Wife huh?”

“Yeah, wife and two kids, a third on the way,” he said and Lexa blew out a low whistle. 

“Congrats man, your life sounds pretty good. Here I felt good about finally buying a house.”

“A damn fine house at that,” he said and looked up at it. “You know I’ve dreamt about renovating her for a long time?”

“Her?” Lexa said with a laugh.

“Wha- Oh, sure! She’s a beauty. Oh, and who is this handsome guy?” Lexa turned around and laughed when Parker was trotting up with a wagging tail.

“This is Parker, my one and only true companion,” she said.

“Hey buddy,” he said and sat down on the ground. Parker happily went over to him after receiving Lexa’s nod of approval. 

“You’ve trained him well,” Bellamy said and patted him over his back. 

“Yeah,” she said. “He’s pretty special. Doesn’t take long for him to learn something new. And what he’s learned stays that way.”

“Alright,” Bellamy said and stood up. “Shall we go and take a look?” Lexa nodded and went with him up to the door.

“Prepare yourself,” she warned and pushed open the door. He went in and instantly got this serious look over him. She knew by that look alone that she’d picked the right guy for the job. He took this seriously.

But she also knew what those eyes of his were seeing. Cracked floors, rotted wood, cracks in the windows and damage done by water leaks from cracked pipes. She could only imagine what needed to be done, and she shuddered at the thought of what the price would probably be.

“I won’t lie,” he said and he instantly got more plus points. “This ain’t going to be cheap. There’s a lot of damage here.”

“Figured as much. Can you do it?”

“Yeah, we’ve done similar things before.” They continued to the second floor and walked around through the rooms. The bathrooms especially needed tending to. The tiles were either cracked or had fallen down, broken sinks and a foul stench that she suspected was mould. 

When they sat down on the porch and overlooked the garden Bellamy sighed.

“I know that we can do this. We’d have to bring a large container out here and just throw everything out that isn’t safe. That includes walls, floors and some of the furniture that’s been left behind. Then we could start with the redoing. New floors, walls, wallpaper, tiles, ceilings, plumbing and such. Then we’d get to the appliances. You see where I’m going with this?”

“It’s going to be _really_ expensive, got it.”

“I’m talking six figures here.” She whistled.

“I’d still like to hire you to do the job.”

“No, here’s what we’re going to do. How about I’ll bring you a more accurate idea of what all of this is going to go down for and then we can decide tomorrow around lunchtime? We can meet up at _Vie’s Diner_ around one, that sound good?”

“Yup, sounds good to me,” she said and smiled. “Shake on it?”

“Sure,” he said with a laugh. “Just like when we were kids.”

“You know it,” she said and laughed. They spent the next quarter just talking about life in general. Lexa wanted to talk about his life, mostly. His and Octavia’s. Lexa came up with the excuse that she wanted to know her way better in the town since she’d been gone so long, but in reality she wanted to know what happened after the horror of that night that had happened and what it did to those who still lived there. Lexa got a feeling that he knew what she was thinking.

“The town bounced back. It’s like a black mark, or a very dark period that you don’t talk about anymore. O and I went to school as usual, and when O started second and third grade she found her group of friends, which eventually also became my friends. Her two absolute best friends, Clarke and Raven, they’re from here too. But they don’t know just how close we were with you guys, no offense. And when time passed O didn’t feel the need to tell them. It’s in the past for her, and while I know it’s not in any way the same for you, can I ask you not to share it with the two of them? I just think that O should be the one to tell them. Otherwise it’ll feel like she held something from them. She sort of did, but it wouldn’t have done her any good to share, you know?”

Lexa laid a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Hey. No worries.” He blew out a breath. “Can’t blame her,” she said and looked out over the garden. “Ever since that night I’ve been moving forward, trying to bury the one I once was. I changed my name for God’s sake. I don’t want to be connected to that bastard, but it’s hard not to be since I was the one who got him caught. I won’t tell. I was actually hoping no one would recognize me,” she said with a light bump on his shoulder.

He laughed at that. “Good to know you have such high thoughts of my memory,” he said with a laugh. “Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with us. But you do know that our parents might know you, right?”

“Right,” she said and scratched her head.

“Or, at least my mom and Clarke’s. Clarke’s dad passed a few years back and Raven’s been on her own for a good decade now, but they moved here after you moved away.”

“Oh,” she said, not quite knowing what to say. But the name Clarke that he mentioned sure sounded familiar. “Where can I find them? I would just like to ask them to keep the knowledge to themselves until I get the chance to say it.”

“Sure. Well, my mom’s easy. She works down at the diner most days, otherwise she’s at home. Clarke’s mom, Abby, she’s always at the hospital. Ask for Dr Griffin.”

“Griffin?” She said and her head snapped sideways. 

“Yeah, Abby and Clarke Griffin. You know them?”

“No, or I mean, yeah, sort of,” she said. “Small world. Abby’s the one who connected me and Costia after what happened. Talked with Dr Griffin for a while after, but it’s been a long time since I last saw her.”

“Costia?”

“The girl I found,” Lexa said and he nodded hastily. 

“Yeah, I remember, sorry. Didn’t know her name.”

“No one’s supposed to,” Lexa said. “But I think that I can trust you.”

“I feel flattered Woods,” Bellamy said and put a hand over his heart, pretending to feel hurt. “That’s going to take some time getting used to, by the way. Not used to knowing you as ‘Woods’. Just a good thing Anya isn’t moving here as well, she’s always been ‘Forest’ for me,” he said with a laugh. “Don’t worry, if anything, Lexa will stick. After all, your name comes up about every time Lincoln’s telling a story. ”

Lexa’s eyebrow rose on its own accord.

Bellamy just laughed. “You’ll see.”

After Bellamy had left Lexa headed straight down to the hospital with Parker fast on her heels. Better to get this over with, so that nothing came out before she’d had the chance to ask them not to spread it around. She parked her car by the hospital and was struck by the clinical look about it. Ever since that day her mama was rushed to the hospital, she truly hated them. Just as she did police stations. She couldn’t understand how Costia worked at one of these. She couldn’t believe she’d once wanted to work in one. 

She was just grateful that she’d avoided any bad experiences with the fire department. 

“Sorry bud,” she said and tied Parker’s leash around one of the lamp posts. “You can’t go in there. People might get sick. Stay here Parker,” she said and looked him in the eye. “Sit. Good boy. I’ll be back soon!”

She started walking towards the door and still had her eyes turned towards Parker that she didn’t notice the other hurrying form, also too busy looking at the folder in her hands to notice where she was going. The crash that followed was inevitable.

“Ow, what the hell?!” A beautiful voice rang out in frustration as their heads crashed into each other. Lexa didn’t have time to look who it belonged to though, because she was busy making sure she wouldn’t fall flat on her ass.

“Ompf!” She said involuntary and ended up down on the street, on her ass, anyways due to a loss of balance. She felt a bruise starting to form and she looked up in irritation, momentarily forgetting about the angelic voice. Her eyes had only reached half way up the strangers, female she noted, body until they landed on an outstretched hand which she hesitantly took.

“Can you tell your dog that I didn’t attack you? I think he might jump me otherwise,” she said with a worried tone which made Lexa turn around. Parker was letting out a loud bark and tried hard to get to her. He strained on his leash and was baring his teeth at the young woman. It made her safe knowing that he’d always be by her side, but sighed nonetheless at his defensive behavior and felt for the stranger. 

“Parker, down! I’m fine,” she said and while he obeyed, that didn’t stop him from growling though and sending the death stare to the stranger. “Oh you silly,” she muttered and turned around. “I’m sorry, he gets a little worri-”

But she had to stop mid sentence because her tongue, at the moment, forgot how to form the last few words.

It wasn’t just the voice that had been angelic. The person standing in front of her looked just like Lexa believed an angel looked, and Lexa could barely keep her mouth from falling open.

She had beautiful blonde hair to her collarbones and sparkling blue eyes with the color of the sky. The sun that shone on her hair made it look golden, like a halo almost. The girl had her eyebrows scrunched up a bit in worry, maybe in a bit of pain too. Lexa couldn’t help but stare. She was mesmerizing. 

“I’m sorry,” the other girl said. “I didn’t look where I was going. Are you okay?”

“No,” she said, finding her tongue again. She was the most beautiful girl she’d ever seen, counting the stupid crush she’s had on a girl’s in high school who’s name she momentairely had forgotten. “I-I mean yes, thanks, I’m fine. How about you?”

“Huh?” The blonde looked a bit confused, either of her answer or at the question. Lexa’s best guess was over her idiotic answer so she repeated the question.

“Are you okay?”

She looked at her. “I’m not the one who fell down and landed on concrete,” she said like it was obvious. “I’m fine though, thanks for asking.” She suddenly held out her hand. “I’m Clarke.”

Lexa looked at it for a second before her brain caught up and then she hastily took it. “Al-Sorry. Hi, I’m Lexa.” _Good grief, get a grip,_ she thought to herself. She couldn’t go screaming Alexandria around here, especially not if she wanted to keep a low profile.

“Well, I’d normally say that it was nice meeting you, but you fell down, so…”

Lexa laughed. “It was still nice meeting you,” she said and held her gaze. Then realized that she was just staring at her, and Lexa quickly dropped her stare, feeling her cheeks bloom with embarrassment. “Sorry, uhm, you were going somewhere, and I gotta go and find someone someplace inside, so I should probably go and find them.”

“Who’re you looking for?” Clarke said with a hurry. “Maybe I can help you. I do work here after all.” She smiled and tilted her head a bit, making Lexa swoon. _Idiot_.

“You do?” She said and Clarke raised an eyebrow. Lexa thought it was a pretty rational question, until she looked down below Clarke’s face, when she noticed that the rest of her was clad in hospital blue scrubs.

“Oh, my bad,” she said with a laugh and felt extremly stupid. “Anyways, sure. I’m looking for Dr. Griffin?”

“Well,” she said with a laugh of her own. “You found her.”

“Oh,” she said and looked up. “No, sorry, I’m looking for Dr. Abby Griffin? Your mom, I believe?”

“Oh, yeah sure,” Clarke said and her smile still stayed in place but didn’t quite reach her eyes the same way. “Follow me, I’ll show you where she’s at.”

“Thanks,” Lexa said a bit breathless. _Get it together,_ she scolded herself. But it honestly felt as if she’d fallen twice instead of once.

“I haven’t seen you around here before,” Clarke said as she walked through the hospital.

“Just moved here,” Lexa answered and kept her eyes trained on the floor. She wasn’t risking seeing anything that she later would regret seeing.

“So how do you know my mom?”

“Oh,” she said and cursed herself. “It was a long time ago, I used to live here and she treated me once. I’m back now and I wanted to say hello.”

“How nice of you,” Clarke hummed and steered her towards an office with glass walls. “Here it is!” She said and turned around. If Lexa hadn’t looked up when she did, she’d crash into her again. But Clarke’s train of thought worked as fast as hers did. As soon as Lexa noticed this and stopped, Clarke’s hands came up and closed around her shoulders. The result was instant. It was like someone had jolted Lexa with electricity, she’d never felt anything like it. And by the looks on Clarke’s face, she’d had the same experience. Her eye’s snapped to Lexa’s and hastily removed her hands.

“Sorry,” Clarke mumbled and took a step back. “You know, you should look where you’re going,” she said half as a joke and half in all seriousness. 

“Sorry,” Lexa repeated. She didn’t want to mention her dislike of hospitals to Clarke. She barely mentioned it to Anya, and besides, Clarke might take offense. She was a doctor after all. “Thanks for showing me the way.”

“No problem. Anyway, I gotta go, but maybe I’ll see you around?”

“Yeah,” Lexa said with a nod. “Thank you, Clarke.” The way her name easily rolled off her tongue made Lexa want to say it over and over again, but she clamped her mouth shut.

Clarke’s smile was so radiant that it made Lexa’s heart beat out of her chest. 

“Yeah you’ll definitely see me around,” she said after Clarke had walked away. She felt winded, out of breath but shook it off as she knocked in Abby Griffin’s door. She took a deep breath and almost jumped out of her skin when she opened the door.

“Lexa?” She said and smiled. “You were the person I least expected would knock on my door today, come in!”

“I’ve heard that phrase a lot today Dr. Griffin, thanks,” she said and stepped inside.

“Please sit down, and we’ve known each other for a long time. Please, call me Abby.”

She nodded and smiled. “What brings you around here Lexa?”

“I’d just thought that I’d pop in,” she said with a smile. “Actually, I just bought a house in town.”

“Really?” Abby said and her eyebrows shot up. “How about that.”

“You know that old B&B?” That shocked her more.

“That old big house up on the hill?”

“Yeah, that’s the one!”

“Well,” she said. “Alright then, is there a special reason why you’re back or did you just miss us?” She said with a friendly tone.

“Lincoln,” Lexa answered and Abby nodded understandably.

“Figures. Congratulations, by the way,” Abby said and Lexa looked up confused.

“For what?”

“Lincoln and Octavia got married two years ago. You moving here now can only mean that you must know that Octavia’s pregnant.”

Lexa just looked at her. “How did you know? I didn’t think they were telling people yet!”

“They aren’t, but Lexa,” she said and laughed. “I’m a doctor _and_ I’ve known Octavia all my life. I know that she normally _hates_ pickles and olives, and now she can eat a bucket full of them? And what was it that I heard the other day? Octavia took a _nap_? Octavia is the most energetic kid I’ve ever known, maybe except for Raven,” she said with a laugh. “And she’s got that pregnancy glow about her. She's pregnant.”

“You should consider becoming a detective,” Lexa muttered, but then laughed. “Isn’t it amazing? I’m about to become an aunt!”

“As I said, congratulations. God only knows how spoiled that kid will become.”

“Don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said. “Anyways, I came to ask you a favour.”

“Shoot.”

“Well,” she said and cast her eyes on the desk. “You know my ties to this town. You know the pain my name has caused it. I’m not going to ask you to lie for me, but I’m asking if you could let me tell them, or Octavia, when the time’s right? Not all that many people know my true identity and it gets ugly pretty fast once the wrong people find out about it.”

“Of course,” Abby said and took Lexa’s hand. “Honey, that’s your story to tell.” She took a relieved breath.

“Thank you. I promise that I will tell the people that need to know. I’m guessing your daughter will be one of those, considering that she’s best friends with Octavia. Are you okay with that?”

“Clarke is an adult. She knows what happened, even though she was only six at the time.”

“Okay,” Lexa said, appreciating Abby not trying to assure her that Clarke would accept her past. Some people just thought her baggage was too much of a burden. “Well,” she said and stood up. “I met with Marcus today by the way, and I hope that it’s okay but he invited me to the barbeque you guys are hosting tomorrow?”

“Did he now?” She said with a laugh. “Lexa you don’t have to be invited to come, just show up! You’re as good as family,” she said, walked around her desk and gave her a warm hug. Lexa felt herself just melt into it and she’d have to admit that she couldn’t remember the last time she’d been hugged like that.

“Thanks again,” Lexa said, hastily wiping at her eyes. “See you tomorrow?”

“You bet,” Abby said and opened her office door for her. “And Lexa, Thelonious told me about our transfer, and from what I’ve heard from him, we’re lucky to have you as our Lieutenant.” Lexa gave her a smile and a nod of appreciation and thanks she walked hastily out of the building, keeping her eyes trained on the floor the entire time.

When she got back Parker was patiently waiting for her. She smiled softly and bent down. “Thank you for listening and staying put. You’re the best. But you didn’t have to attack that poor girl you goof, I just fell down.” She sat down and patted his back. “Should we head over to Uncle Linc’s place?” Parker started wagging his tail. She hummed in agreement, leaned down to press a kiss on top of his head and then untied him. 

They walked to the car and jumped in, all the while being followed by a woman with a pair of sparkling blue eyes that had taken a special interest in the green eyed girl and her dog.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so, their journey officially begins with Lexa being a rambling lovestruck gay mess, and I love her even more for it ;)
> 
> Come and say hi on Instagram! Will post pictures of Lexa's house, Parker and more, and some song suggestions ;)  
> @ao3fantasycloud


	8. Catching up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thursday people! I've just finished an exam and wanted to celebrate with a new chapter for you guys! This is more of a filler chapter really, but important nonetheless.
> 
> Have a good weekend everyone, and enjoy the chapter! XO - fantasycloud

When Lexa and Parker were met by Lincoln in the driveway, Lexa couldn’t help but squeal and ran to give him a hug. Parker, who adored and copied everything that she did, did the exact same thing.

“Whoa, hey!” He laughed as he was crashed into by not one, but two beings. “Okay, hey guys! Hey Parker, what’s up buddy?” Lincoln, after giving Lexa a crushing hug, let go and instantly dropped down so that he could have a cuddle party with Parker.

“Chewy!” Lexa heard Octavia call from somewhere in the house and she only had time to mentally prepare before a huge light brown dog flew out from behind Lincoln and headed straight for Lexa. “Get back here!” Her voice sounded a lot closer now, but Lexa was too focused on bracing herself because otherwise she would fall with a hundred percent certainty. 

“Hey big boy!” Lexa said and let herself be tackled by Chewy. Chewy was Octavia’s dog originally that she’d bought about two months before she and Lincoln met. But Chewy instantly took to Lincoln the same way Octavia had done and the rest was history. When Lexa brought Parker along one time Octavia and Lincoln brought Chewy it was like watching a best friends reunion. One big happy family.

It was then that Lexa started to realize what was happening. Her family were no longer broken, but healing and growing. Now more so than ever with Octavia’s pregnancy. Lexa silently cursed Lincoln for telling her first and then asking her to keep it a secret. She wanted to hug them and talk baby things and bring them presents.

Oh well, soon the secret would be out and then she could do all of those things anyways.

“Sorry,” Octavia said and went over to them. “You good?” Lexa nodded while giving Chewy snuggles and love. 

“Nice place you’ve got,” Lexa said and stood up. “I know it’s long overdue-”

“No, no,” Octavia said and shook her head. “If I were you I’d stay as far away from this place as possible. We’re just happy that you’re here.” Lexa smiled at that. She really liked Octavia.

“Were his reactions what you were hoping for when he called you?” Lexa said with a laugh. “By the looks of him it looked like God had granted all of his wishes.”

“More,” Octavia said and laughed. “He called me while driving, talking nonsense. Wouldn’t have understood a thing if I didn’t know what he was yapping about.”

All three laughed and headed out to the backyard. Since Bellamy already had two kids Lexa guessed that the swing set and the slide were theirs and sort of a confirmation that they were over a lot. Lexa remembers Bellamy and Octavia as kids, they were inseparable. Of course they’d stay that way.

“Oh, Lincoln I meant to ask you something,” she said and turned towards him. “Would you mind if I stayed with you a night or two? I think that I can sleep in one of the rooms at the house and at least one of the bathrooms must be usable, but I want Bellamy’s crew to take a look at it first and give the all clear before I move in.”

“Sure, no problem,” he said with a smile. “You know that you’re always welcome, right?”

“Right.”

Lincoln went to grab himself a drink and Lexa went to sit in a chair next to Octavia on their porch.

“So, how’s everything?” 

Octavia smiled at her. “Well I’ve had the past two weeks off so that I could have an opportunity to enjoy the summer, which has been nice, but every time I hear those damn sirens I want to go back,” she said with a laugh. “From what I hear, I have a new lieutenant?”

“Yeah,” she said with a smile. “Transfer went through. So I’ll start Monday.”

“What a time to be alive,” Octavia said with a smile. “I had this rough call one month or so ago. A house fire, parents DOA. No other relatives. We put the fire out, but we had to hand over their three kids over to social workers. I can’t imagine what they’re going through.”

“I can only imagine,” Lexa said and shuddered at the thought that the Uncle’s hadn’t taken them in all those years ago. They would’ve been put in the system after her mama passed. “Bell told me a little of the town, but would you have to tell me more.”

“You got it, commander,” Octavia said and laughed out loud when Lexa froze.

“You’ve heard?” She said with a groan.

“Yup” she said and Octavia laughed harder. 

“I’m not even surprised that they call you that back in New York. You used to dominate all of the sports we played in kindergarten! But I do recall something about your siblings not knowing?” Lexa snapped her head to her side, but too late. “Hey, Lincoln! Get your ass out here!”

“Oh, God,” Lexa said and put her head in her hands.

“What?” He said, handing Octavia a glass of lemonade.

“Did you know that your dear sister Lexa was called ‘ _ The Commander _ ’ when we were about six or so and  _ apparently _ it’s been picked up again but no other than her fellow firefighters??” 

Lincoln snorted. “No, I did not know that. Why, may I ask?”

“Once we played a game called ‘ _ Ghost Ball _ ’ at school, remember that? Well, while everyone ran around like fools trying to grab a ball and throw it at someone’s ass Lexa darted around, whispering things in her teammates ears. Once in a while she’d get a hold of a ball and come flying out of nowhere, shouting out battle cries. In the end, her team always won. Thereof, the commander,” she finished and Lexa groaned. “How the nickname got translated over to 75 in New York though, of that I have no idea.”

“That was a long time ago O,” she said and used the old nickname without thinking. “And I accidentally said some stupid things while hanging out with the crew, at a bar. I’ll never repeat that mistake again, I’ve learnt my lesson,” she muttered while Octavia and Lincoln laughed. 

“It’ll haunt you now ‘till the end of your days Lex,” she tossed back and not too long after that they were all cracking up. 

“Okay, okay,” Octavia said. “‘What’s been going on around here?’ Well, When I started school I was a bit lonely, at first, before I found a group of friends that seemed alright. I met Clarke first and it was like this instant connection. I had fallen while dribbling a soccer ball and she just went straight up, held out her hand and walked me straight to the nurses office. I think she might have flipped off a guy who was laughing at me on the sidelines. Anyways, we’ve stuck together ever since. Then Raven came along a year later, she and her mom moved here just when she was about to start third grade. Came in with a chip on her shoulder, her mom’s not really the most reliable. But when she almost blew up the chem lab after accidentally adding trice the amount of chemicals into our experiment and almost caused Jasper to lose a toe, she instantly became our best friend. Most of us still live here, and we’re still getting into trouble even though most of us have families.”

“How many best friends do you have? Aren’t you supposed to only have one?”

“Hell no,” Octavia said. “I couldn’t choose even if they forced me to. No it’s all of us. Me, Bell, Clarke, Raven, Wells, Jasper and Monty. Later on everyone came back after they’d gone to college, well most of them went to college, anyways and are now living here with their families.”

“Families, huh?” Lexa said.

“Yeah! Crazy, huh? Bell and Gina, as you know about, they live a few houses down our street. They got Rose first, then Arwin, and now they have a third one on the way! I can’t believe I’m about to become an aunt again. Anyways, Jasper and Maya got married right after high school and now have their twin boys, Thomas and James. I think that they’re about nine years old now? 

“And then Monty met Harper at college and he convinced her to move here after they’d been dating a couple months right after their college graduation. They have a daughter, Sarah, who’s two and another one on the way, but that’s still some months away. Wells and Sasha met in elementary school and have been together ever since, they’re like the ultimate goal. They have three kiddos now, and a fourth on the way, Iris who’s eight, Amanda who’s five and Elliot who just turned three. I don’t believe they will ever stop having kids,” she said with a laugh. Lexa tried hard to keep up, but she doubted that she’d remember half of the names. 

“Raven was offered a position at NASA after graduating college, but she turned it down and don’t ask me why. She changes the story every damn time. She works with me as a firefighter actually, and I guess now that you’re the lieutenant, she works under you. She started a mechanic shop a few years back and works there on her off days. And then there’s Clarke. Clarke’s a doctor down at the hospital, doing a little of everything I guess. But that’s about all of the luck she’s had in life. Her dad passed away in a warehouse fire, and some guy she dated in college in New York turned out to be a cheating bastard, so she came home quite scarred. And seeing everyone starting families, getting married and having kids… I think she’s been better.

“Anyways, she comes around a lot, when she can. We’re having a barbeque tomorrow, you should come! Everyone will be there, so it’ll be a mess, but still!”

She laughed. “Yes I’m already planning on going, Marcus beat you to it.”

“You met Marcus?”

“He was my real estate agent. When did he and Abby meet?”

“Oh they’ve known each other all their lives. Abby grew up here too. I guess they started going out about five or so years ago? Only moved in about two years ago together. Losing Jake was really hard on them, especially Clarke. She wanted to become an artist at first when she was in high school. She would’ve made it, she was so good. But when he died, she just couldn’t pick up an easel again. It was one of their things, art. He took photos, she painted.”

Lexa felt a pang of sadness wash over her. She knew how it was like to lose a parent, but hers had been a different story. Her mama had been almost completely absent the last year of her life before she’d died, so losing her for real was still painful, but it didn’t break her in half as she suspected Clarke’s dad’s death had done.

“I think I met her today,” she said and looked down. “I uh, I crashed into her, actually,” she laughed and laughed somewhat awkwardly.

“Spill,” O said.

“Oh it was nothing, I just didn’t look where I was going and then, BOOM. I landed on my ass, she helped me up and introductions were made.”

Octavia was silent and that made Lexa look up. She had a smirk on that Lexa would happily wipe off for her if she didn’t remove it herself within the next five seconds. “What?”

“You like her.” Lexa nearly choked. “You do!”

“Wha- No, I just met her, don’t be ridiculous. Lincoln, back me up here!” No answer. “Lincoln?”

“He went inside five minutes ago, you ain’t getting away with this one until you spill,” she said with an even bigger grin. “So?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Octavia raised an eyebrow.

“Fine, I mean she’s-” Lexa huffed out a breath and looked around, hoping that Lincoln would just come out already. “Well, I won’t deny-  _ Ugh, stop smirking! _ ”

Octavia burst out laughing. “Oh man, I’d forgotten that you and Linc were siblings there for a second. But you have no idea how much you two are alike. You have, like  _ no game _ .”

“I have game!” Lexa protested. “I do, it’s just that-I just,” she said and sighed. “Fine. Yes, when I met her today I felt like a complete idiot because I couldn’t speak properly and I nearly spilled the beans on my name,” she said and hid behind her hands when she heard Octavia laugh at her response, realizing that she’d just made the other girl’s point. “Is she even going to be interested in me, that way?”

“Hm, from the numerous girls and boys she dated through high school and college, I’d say yes. But you’d have to ask her for a more affirmative confirmation.”

“I’m not good with that,” Lexa said with a shudder. “I always make a fool out of myself.”

“While I do believe that, I promise that you’re probably making it way worse in your head than what it actually is,” O said and snorted. “C’mon, you’re the commander! You run into burning buildings, surely you can ask a girl out?”

“I might, I don’t know,  _ look _ a certain way,  _ oh don’t you laugh _ ,” she said with Octavia cracked up at the statement. “Someone once told me that I’m like an ostrich. That I may look one way, but that I eventually just ends up with my head on the sand.  _ Can you stop laughing? _ ” She said, but Octavia laughed so hard that tears ran down her cheeks. “Anyways I’m terrified when it comes to dating. How did Lincoln let you know he liked you?”

“Well,” she said and still laughed. “He came up to me and had to shout in my ear that he thought I looked hot. We were at a bar and he’d been dared by his friends to go up and talk to me and buy me a drink. That drink ended up being four, and we just sat and talked all night until we got kicked out because they were closing. And that was it, for me.”

“If only it were that easy,” Lexa muttered.

“I literally just told you that it could be just that easy! But come one, you can’t be that bad at dating. If you like her, tell her!”

“Well I can’t just go up to her and blurt out that I think she’s gorgeous, that would be creepy!”

“Then start with asking her out. Just be you, and she’ll end up liking you too.”

Lexa sat grumpily and stared out over the swings who swayed a bit in the wind. “Thanks.”

“You got it. But since you’re coming tomorrow, and she’s coming tomorrow, you’ll get to talk to her some.”

When Octavia spoke again, Lexa could hear by the change in her tone that they were no longer talking about dating advice. “Have you told anyone yet?”

“No,” she said. “Just you, Bell and Abby know who we are, and your mom. Does Clarke and Raven know about who Lincoln is? If they do, I’m keeping all of this from them for nothing.”

“No, no they don’t know. It never came up,” Octavia said and Lexa could sense by the tone of her voice that she felt guilty by that. “I mean, I was only six when you guys moved away. I didn’t fully understand why, either. I just knew that two of my best friends had moved without saying goodbye.” Lexa felt the guilt bubble up in her stomach. “I later understood why of course, but by then it was too late. I had Clarke and Raven and the others, and I didn’t feel the need to bring it up. A few years later when we were in high school there was this article that had come out. You wrote it,” she said after a pause and Lexa nodded with a heavy sigh.

“Yeah. Mama had just died and a reporter came up to me at her memorial wanting to publish an article about that night. I blew her off, but then thought of mama. I didn’t want people to think of her as horrible, because she had lived and married a monster. So I wrote the article with this reporter, Zoe, and it was published about two weeks later.”

“I remember reading it, only fully then realizing what it must’ve been like.” Her eyes were filled with tears and Lexa reached out and grabbed her hand. “I remember that day, when you guys left. One minute we were playing soccer, the other you were just gone. We heard about it some afterwards, but it was all very hush hush. Everyone wondered about you, when you left. We prayed every Sunday for a few months, but it stopped once it was clear that you weren’t coming back.”

“You did?”

“Of course. Anyways, after that article I felt it was just too late to tell them. And I was only six, what did it matter? But when I met Lincoln, things got complicated. So I just pretended that I’d never met him before. Since we didn’t exactly know each other back then and since he was a year younger, that wasn’t really a lie. So it’s worked out. But now…”

“I can imagine me being back will bring back some memories for some. Those who remember that time and see me and Lincoln together, they might catch on pretty soon. But I’m planning on telling everyone that I feel needs to know as soon as I know that I can trust them. And I know you do,” she said when she heard Octavia starting to protest. “But I’ve had a lot of bad things happening from the wrong people knowing who I am. I’ve trusted the wrong people and ended up having to move, change my name and later on defend it. So I just want to be careful. I want this to work,” she said with a wishful voice. “I want a normal life, for once.”

“I’ll toast to that,” Lincoln said, having snuck up behind them. They whirled around and smiled. Lincoln was dressed in an apron that read ‘ _ Hottest Husband _ ’ on and Lexa had to hold back a laugh. 

“Got it for him last Christmas. Threatened to pull sexual favours if he didn’t wear it.”

“Ow, I did not hear that!” Lexa said and slammed her hands over her ears.

“Oh, you have to get prepared for when Ray and Clarke get here,” O laughed and stood up to kiss her husband. “I’m gonna go and take the lasagna out, I’m only allowed to bring  _ out _ the finished products because I once almost burned down the kitchen.” She looked unhappy about the ban, but Lincoln just raised an eyebrow.

“Do I even need to say something in my defense?  _ You almost burned down our kitchen _ , that should be enough for anyone!”

“Whatever,” she said and went inside.

He went and took O’s place, putting his beer on the table and leaned back. Lexa tapped her ear and pointed to the door and mouthed ‘ _ Can she hear us? _ ’. He shook her head but put a finger to his lips, signing to whisper.

“Spechou, strik bro,” Lexa said and loved the way Lincoln lit up at the sound of their old made up language.  _ Congrats, little brother.  _ “I can’t believe you’re going to be a dad,” she whispered and leaned forward to give him a hug.

“I can’t either,” he said and smiled the biggest smile she’d ever seen. “She’s eight weeks pregnant tomorrow. If all goes well I’ll be a dad in March! We’re telling people next week, since she really can’t be running into burning buildings anymore.”

“Right. You do realize that I’m going to spoil that kid rotten, right?”

“You better,” he said with a wink.

She leaned back and looked up towards the sky. The sun was about to set, turning the sky to a soft shade of pink.

“It’s weird,” she said with a normal tone. “To be back here.”

“I know.”

“I never thought that I would set a foot in this town again, let alone buy a house.”

“And a big one at that.”

“Oh but Lincoln, you should come with me tomorrow! It’s beautiful and I can just see all of us in it. I’m going to make it a home.”

“I have no doubt about that,” he said with a smile. “I’m just happy that you’re here. I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too.” 

After dinner and some board games, Lincoln showed her to the guest bedroom. Lexa had been up since dawn driving all the way from New York so that she could get to the meeting with Marcus, and since then it had just been a roller coaster. A good day, for sure, but that had left Lexa completely drained.

“I’ll be upstairs if you need anything,” he said and closed the door behind him. Lexa nodded her thanks and sat down on the bed. Parker came and put his head in her lap, looking up at her with his understanding eyes.

“This was the right thing to do,” she said and stroked him behind his ears. “It was the right decision to come home.” She continued stroking him, trying to convince herself that being back here in Polis wouldn’t damage the healing that she’d accomplished since she graduated.

Mama’s death and Finn’s betrayal had thrown Lexa and her family off balance for a while. Everything happened so fast, and Lexa’s upcoming graduation was a lot to handle for them. But they emerged stronger than before. Then good things started to happen. Anya had, without telling them, started her journey on becoming an FBI agent and randomly one week sent out invitations to come and join her at the graduation ceremony down in Quantico. Now she was working at the Chicago FBI field office as a fully trained FBI agent, coming up on ten years now. When Lexa called her she always sounded happy. Busy, but happy.

Ever since they were little Anya had wanted work within law enforcement, but since that whole thing with their father happened it had just fuelled her further. More than they’d realized Lexa thought afterwards. While Lexa couldn’t see herself facing those kinds of horrors every day of the year, Anya thrived in that universe. She felt good knowing that she made the world a safer place by putting the people that shouldn’t be allowed to walk the earth behind bars.

And Lincoln surprised everyone. When he graduated he moved to Washington DC, attended college and graduated as a psychologist. Lexa could never have guessed in a million years that that was what he was interested in, but after hearing about the work he did she could see that he was made for it. He enjoyed helping people get better.

Thinking about the life that they’d had as young she couldn’t help but draw the conclusion that it had left a scar on all of them. She doubted that life would’ve turned out like this if it weren’t for the things their father did. It all came back to him, in the end.

Lexa on the other hand was a little bit of a surprise as well. She’d started college with the initial thought of becoming a lawyer. Something about that intrigued her, bringing people to justice. Time passed and she continued her studies, but she knew deep down that that wasn’t what she wanted to do. On the side of her studies Lexa took photos of a bunch of things. Buildings, nature, people. One day she’d been strolling around the city with her camera when a firetruck came zooming past her, sirens blaring. Not a block later it pulls to a stop, smoke billowing out of a townhouse. She stayed and watched those firefighters fight that fire and save three victims and instantly felt that that was what she wanted to do. She got a couple of photos to, those are some of the photos that she values above all others. They are a memory of the day when she found her calling.

After completing the fire academy she quickly realized that being a firefighter meant more than just running towards burning buildings. And even more so, what it meant being a female firefighter. It took her twice as long to become as respected as any other male firefighter, and twice as much dedication and training. But once she’s gotten the respect of her fellow firefighters and proved herself enough in their eyes, things moved fast. Her determination and drive and passion for the work she was doing eventually led to a lieutenant position with a nickname, much to her dismay, that followed her wherever she went, apparently.

And when one her friends from law school had seen her photos had seen a photo that she’d taken she had asked if she could share it and Lexa agreed without even thinking about it. When it happened a second time, she agreed but then a thought entered her mind.

What if she could make money off of taking photos?

She put the theory to the test and started a website with the help of a friend while working as a firefighter. And when she answered a call about a fire in a building where a gallery was located, the owner thanked her and offered her a permanent spot on his walls when he realized who she was. Apparently he owned a few of her prints and his daughter owned several. Since then she’d been sending him prints to hang up and she’d uploaded photos to her website, and that just became a thing that now was her second job and she wouldn’t lie, it brought in a decent amount of money. 

Lexa layed down under the covers after getting ready for bed. She was more put together than she was ten years ago when she graduated high school, but she was still not all there yet. Would she ever be? 

She still has nightmares. She had trouble letting people in. She had trust issues. She always had one foot out the door.

She was like a ball of yarn. In the beginning she’d been free of knots. Well, mostly free of them. But after that night, when she had been seven years old and caught her father in the process of kidnapping, starving, raping and murdering of what today is one of her closest friends, she’d become as tangled up as she possibly could. She had maybe been successful at undoing some of it, but she didn’t believe she would ever come back to that perfect, unknotted ball of yarn.

She sighed and closed her eyes. She’d need the sleep, tomorrow she’d need it. There would be so many people there, so many names to remember. And, even though she tried not to think about her. She would be there. She maybe had no right to think about her since she had so many problems that would only bring her pain, she still couldn’t put Clarke out of her thoughts.

She fell asleep with a smile on her face, still thinking of her blue, warm, heavenly eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your continued support, I love getting all of your comments and seeing the kudos!


	9. The Barbeque

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope y'all are ready for some serious clexa content! You might want to find a pillow to hind behind though, my Lexa isn't as smooth as in some other fics and I have NO IDEA why since I didn't plan on that but oh well ;)
> 
> I hope that everyone's Monday has been great! I have been in a really good mood today (have no idea why bc it is still a Monday) so I decided to post a longer chapter for you all so that I might spread some happiness around :)
> 
> Enjoy, oh and let me know what you thought of Lexa's attempts to talk to Clarke in the comments! XO - fantasycloud

Since Lexa still was pretty young when she lived in Polis last she didn’t really remember any of the names that Octavia mentioned yesterday. Octavia claimed that she’d at least known of some of them even though they maybe hadn’t been as close then as they were now. And with Octavia being one year younger than her Lexa figured that she should have at least known some names, since she went to first grade here, but nothing.

She stood by the stove and had dug out some eggs, tomatoes and cheese and was in the process of making an omelette for breakfast. Or, a couple. She knew that these were Lincoln’s favorite for a few years back home and she just suspected that Octavia would like it just fine. Nyko had taught her from a young age how to cook so even though she hadn’t owned a house she could still know her way around a kitchen, any kitchen really. 

“‘Morning,” she heard Lincoln grunt. “Mmh, is that omelette I smell?”

Lexa smiled. “Oh, these?” She looked at Lincoln over her shoulder and threw him a sneaky smile. “Nah, these are all for me.”

“Oh is that so?” Lincoln stood up and crossed his arms over his chest. “I wonder, who would win in an arm wrestling game?”

“Oh hush,” she said with a laugh. “Yes, these are omelettes. I figured after that delicious dinner you made yesterday, I should return the favor.”

“It’s odd, having you here. Us again, under the same roof when it isn’t a holiday at the Uncle’s. I like it.”

She sighed and stilled. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around here before. I just…” Lexa gnawed on the inside of her lip. “He took too much from us. I won’t let his ghost ruin our chance at a happy life with family and friends around us.”

Lincoln nodded. “I was pretty young when it all happened. I can barely remember anything, except one day. I couldn’t quite get the knot right while tying my shoes, he came up behind me and suddenly, I sprawled forward on the dirt in our front yard. And he says, ‘ _ Only pansies can’t tie their shoes at five years old. Get up and do it again, and again, until I see that you can tie a shoe with your eyes closed. _ ’”

Lexa sighed at this, stilling her motions and hurting for her baby brother. 

“I know that years of innocence were taken from you that night,” he said and looked her straight in the eye. Lexa just held her head high, keeping her facial expressions still, knowing she couldn’t quite keep her lip from quivering and her hands from shaking. “But you saved us. We would’ve come out much worse if we’d stayed there then what we are now, trust me. And hey, you’ve got us now. And not just me and O, you’ve got the whole town looking out for you. Know that.”

“Yeah,” she said and hastily turned towards the stove, busying herself with the omelettes. She was never really big on talking about her emotions. It took a long time before she even said one word related to the actual cause when she went and saw Niylah back in New York. “Mochof, Linc.”  _ Thank you. _

“You got it.”

Then there was a pause of maybe two minutes where no one spoke, and Lexa enjoyed that all the same. She had just loaded up the food on their plates when Octavia wandered in.

“Something smells like heaven in here,” she said and sat down at the table. “It can’t be my husband who’s made that, because if I knew that he could do that, he would do it every morning.”

Lexa snorted and brought the plates to the table. “Bon appetit,” she said and poured some coffee in her cup. “I was thinking of baking a pie to bring to the barbeque tonight. Any special requests on what pie I should make?”

“Yes,” Lincoln said as soon as she said the word request. “That fresh berry pie? That is  _ amazing _ . Seriously, you have to make it!”

“Okay,” She said with a laugh. “I’ll make that one. I’ll head down to the market in a bit, you want anything?”

“Nah, we’re good,” Octavia said. Then she moaned while having another bite of the omelette which made Lincoln extremely uncomfortable, and Lexa burst out laughing over his response, which in turn only made Octavia burst into hysterics as well. 

“Okay, well I’m meeting your brother at one at Vie’s Diner, should be home after that to whip up the pie.” They nodded and then Octavia demanded a story from her days as a New York firefighter.

When Lexa got into town everything seemed normal. People strolled by her on the street, walking in and out of stores and carrying small bags or purses. Parker was by her side, his tail wagging slightly as he sniffed in the air. She smiled at that, he always loved it when they got someplace new. Always new things to explore, new rodents to chase and new nice people to give him belly rubs. Lexa’s goal today was to hit the market and buy some ingredients for that pie, and a beverage to bring. Since she didn’t know how many kids would be attending and how many of the adults were going to be driving, she’d decided to buy something alcohol free. Lemonade seemed too obvious, but maybe something would just jump at her.

She tied Parker at a lamp post outside the store and pulled open the door and smiled the second the air condition hit her.

“Ain’t it the best thang in the world, AC?” Lexa looked over to the person working behind the cash register and she nodded. She looked about middle aged, with chocolate skin and had her hair in about a million little braids. She had the nicest voice and the biggest smile, and Lexa couldn’t help but to automatically smile back. 

“Wouldn’t know what to do without one down here,” she said and walked in a bit, grabbing a basket.

“Ya visiting? Haven’ seen ya ‘round before.” She said with a singing southern accent and Lexa shook her head.

“Just bought a house in town actually.”

“Oh really? Well, welcome!” Lexa smiled and waved, continuing into the store. The southern hospitality was really out of this world. Sometimes appreciated, other times you’d have to guard your tongue so you wouldn’t snap at people. This was a daily struggle.

Lexa browsed the shelves, putting some flour, sugar, butter and vanilla powder into the basket before continuing over to the different beverages. She always hated bringing stuff for a lot of people that you’d never met before. What if the recipients hated it? She ended up being boring and choosing a couple of bottles of lemonade.

In her defense, it was fancy bottles of lemonade though.

She walked by the dog section and picked up a bone for Parker, if she was celebrating her new house, so should he.

“Did ya find everything alrigh’ hon?” She said with a smile as she started processing her groceries. Lexa nodded.

“It’s really hot out today, what is it, do you think?”

“Oh, it must be, what, close to a hundred degrees? Give or take a few degrees? It gets real’ hot here in August,” she said and her smile dropped just a little bit. “Makes sleepin’ a real pain, don’t ya agree?

Lexa nodded vigorously. “Couldn’t agree more.”

She accepted her bag and the woman smiled an even bigger smile. “You ‘ave a good day now!” Lexa nodded and went outside, untying Parker’s leash. 

She should have looked around her before she stood up. 

She had just righted herself after standing up when another warm body crashed into her front. Since Lexa held her bag and the leash in one hand, she quickly grabbed the other form by their midsection, an attempt to keep her from falling on her ass a second time. As she was doing this she clamped her eyes shut, as if she’d expected it to hurt. But when it was apparent that she wouldn’t fall, she opened her eyes and immediately wished that the ground would swallow her whole.

“We have to stop meeting like this,” Clarke said with a laugh.

“Agreed,” Lexa said with yet another awkward laugh. Clarke raised her eyebrows in a question, and Lexa was too busy focusing on  _ anything  _ but the blonde’s lips. Literally anywhere else. But that just made her embarrassment worse.

“At least Parker’s decided not to try and kill me this time, so I guess it’s a start?”

“Oh he’s fine, he’s better when I’m at the other end of the leash, he knows what he’s allowed to do and he’s usually pretty good with assessing the situation.” Then she paused. “You remembered his name.”

“It got me thinking of Peter Parker,” Clarke said and waved away Lexa’s amazement. 

“Right,” Lexa said with her breath stuck in her throat. 

“I won’t fall, you know,” Clarke said with a light tone. Lexa raised an eyebrow of her own, before she looked down to where Clarke glanced. She noticed that her hand were still gripping Clarke’s waist and she felt her cheeks heat up. She immediately sprang away from her and stammered out an apology. 

Clarke just laughed. Which made Lexa shut up, because she was afraid that anything that would come out of her mouth at that moment would just sound like gibberish. God her laugh was beautiful, it was like hearing angels sing.

“Sorry,” she muttered.

“At least no one fell this time,” she said with a wink and Lexa’s mouth fell open. 

_ She WINKED at me?!  _ Lexa’s mind was going on overdrive.

“Anyways, are you coming tonight to the barbeque?”

“Yeah,” she said. “Are you coming?”

Clarke raised an eyebrow and Lexa mentally facepalmed.  _ Obviously she was going, you idiot! _

“Right, your mom is hosting it,” she said and laughed awkwardly. “Well, I’m looking forward to it.”

“Me too,” she said. “Hey, I forgot to ask you yesterday, are you Lincoln’s sister?”

“Yeah, I am actually,” Lexa said.

“I should have made the connection earlier, whenever I’m hanging out with O and Linc he tells the craziest stories about his family. He often mentions your name, and yours isn’t exactly the most ordinary name, so…”

“Yeah, no,” Lexa agreed and snorted. “My name does stick out.”  _ More than you know.  _ “Hope you’ve only heard good things though, my little brother can get a little imaginative when it comes to telling stories.”

Clarke laughed. “What, do you mean to say that you didn’t bake him a cake that was made out of one of those car sponges? With whipped cream and sprinkles and the works on top, and then proceeded to watch when he tried to grab a piece and then died laughing when he finally figured it out?”

Lexa laughed at that memory. She’d been thirteen, Lincoln eleven. She’d been trying to cheer him up, he’d gotten a D- in school.

“Well,” Lexa said, putting her arms over her chest. “If it makes you feel any better, when he figured it out he chased me around the house with it and then decided to throw the thing at me. I dodged it, but it hit Anya straight in the face. Then she chased us both around, being furious because she had just taken a shower. We ended up in a pile on the floor with whipped cream all over us laughing our heads off. We did not laugh when the Uncle’s got home though,” she said and nearly lost it again, because Clarke laughed again. 

“Oh my God, that must’ve been terrifying,” she said and Lexa nodded in agreement. “Sorry,” she said then and gestured to her groceries and to Parker and took a step back. “You were going somewhere, I didn’t mean to hold you up.”

“Oh you didn’t! I mean, you don’t, you know, hold me up.”  _ Can you just pull it together? _ Lexa thought to herself. “Where are you heading?”

“Well I’m just picking up some stuff at the market for mom,” she said. “Mom’s at home setting up the table and couldn’t make it to the store in time.”

“I’m actually heading there,” she said and pointed behind her. “I have to pick up some berries, and afterwards I’m meeting Bellamy at Vie’s.”

“Bellamy Blake?” Clarke said and gestured for them to head in the direction of the market. Lexa had to conceal a squeal with great difficulty when she realized that she was accompanying her to the market.

“Yeah, he’s going to help me with the house I just bought.”

“Got it. Well, Bell is the best you can get,” she said and Lexa could hear that she was proud of him. “He has his business on the side, works as a firefighter otherwise. Good of you to support his business.”

“I know, I’m actually also a firefighter, starting Monday,” she said. “Met with him yesterday and made the connection.” She noticed that Clarke had gone quiet, so she looked over. And then she remembered her father passing away while being a firefighter and she silently cursed herself for mentioning it. “You okay?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah, I’m fine. Firefighter, huh?” She looked over and met Lexa’s eyes. “If I’m reading you correctly, I have a feeling that you’re not just now starting out. Where have you been working until now?”

“Good intuition. I started out in New York,” she said and heard Clarke whistle. “I liked it plenty, and we got some weird calls. But after a while, being in the city and being around all of the noise and sirens all day and night long… It just wasn’t home for me. And now with Lincoln moving back here, it just felt right.”

“You must have some of the craziest stories,” Clarke said and Lexa laughed.

“Like you wouldn’t believe. One time, on one of my first calls, we arrived at the scene of a car crash. The biker had gone over sixty miles per hour, ended up colliding with a car and was thrown fifteen feet in the air and crashing into the side of a moving truck. We had to cut into the truck’s cargo in order to get him out.”

“Poor guy,” Clarke said, but Lexa got the feeling that it was time for a change of subject.

“Had dinner with Octavia and Linc yesterday, she said that you guys became best friends when you flipped off some guy?”

That got her laughing. “She told you that? Well, served him right. O had taken a bad fall and she was persistent not to cry. So while I helped her to the nurses office, I may or may not have both flipped him off and said some well chosen words after he said some offensive things.”

“Oh really?” Lexa said with a chuckle.

“Wasn’t long after that that we became best friends. I’d do anything for her.” She paused and looked over at Lexa. “I’m really glad she’s got Lincoln, you know. He’s a great guy.”

“Yeah, he’s alright I guess,” Lexa said with a smile. But then she felt a story forming on her tongue about how that probably was an aftermath of their childhood, and she veered in the other direction. “How long have you been at the hospital?”

“For about three years or so,” she said and sighed. “Mom’s been riding my ass about finding a specialty as a surgeon but I’m having a hard time. I’m only in my third year of my residency, so I still don’t have to decide for another year. I just don’t know what speaks to me the most yet.”

“I get that,” Lexa said and looked ahead. “Did you know that I didn’t always want to become a firefighter?”

She just shook her head.

“I figured that one out when I was about two months away from my law degree,” she said and laughed at Clarke’s glance her way. “You can say it.”

“I’m sorry, but you have a law degree, could work with a killer salary, but you chose to become a firefighter instead?”

“I know,” she said with a sigh. They’d reached the market now and Lexa began putting strawberries, blueberries and raspberries into a little wooden basket. “My Uncle’s were pretty shocked when I announced the day after my graduation ceremony that I had been accepted into the fire academy and was going to become a firefighter. They thought it was a joke. I mean I did go through law school, which is five years. But being a lawyer just wasn’t for me. I like being the one first on scene, helping those I can and saving what I can. I think being a first responder is sort of what I’ve always wanted to become, but it just took awhile for me to figure out in what way.”

“Did your Uncle’s ever get over your decision?”

“They were never mad. Definitely concerned, but never angry. They supported my decision, they were just happy that I was happy.”

Lexa sensed that there was another question bubbling close to the surface but when it remained unspoken, she guessed that it was a choice that Clarke was still in the process of debating herself. 

They went side by side, collecting items and went up to the cashier to pay for their things. They kept the topics light and problem free, and Lexa’s heart finally got a chance to slow down to its normal pace. Parker trotted by Lexa’s side happily, not minding the slower pace or the heat. And when they reached Vie’s Diner, Lexa was hit with a pang of longing.

A longing of belonging, she realized. Being with Clarke, it just felt right. With her and Parker by her side, she felt as if a hole had been filled, weirdly enough. But she shoved that dangerous thought out of her head. She couldn’t go thinking that after only two encounters with her, she’d only wound up with an even bigger hole than the one she started with. Better to just keep to herself, really, and keep Clarke at an arm's length.

Deep down she knew that that was impossible, but she could at least try.

“Well,” she said when they stopped by the entrance. “Thanks for joining me.”

“No problem,” Clarke said with a soft smile. “It was nice, getting to know you a bit.”

“Same. And I guess that I’ll see you tonight?”

“Tonight?” Clarke said and Lexa just raised an eyebrow. “Oh! Yeah, no, right, the barbeque, the one that we have been shopping for,” she said and Lexa snorted. “Yeah see you then!” Then with a wave, Clarke hurried away and Lexa stood by the door, watching how she slowly became smaller and smaller. Already missing her presence, she pushed the door open and tried to ignore the thoughts in her head. 

_ Yeah _ .  _ Good luck with that ‘arm’s length’ business you’re thinking about. Good luck. _

_ // _

“Lexa, back here!” She heard Bellamy say and she waved at him while moving towards him. He’d gotten a booth next to the window overlooking the street, and when she sat down she saw the smirk that he was sporting and groaned. “So, Clarke huh?”

She sighed. “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” she said and busied herself with looking over the menu.

“Oh you know what I’m talking about. Hell, you’ve been in town for less than twenty four hours. And you’ve already got the blonde wrapped around your little finger.”

“Huh?” She looked up at that, and noticed that his smirk grew and she realized that she just confirmed his hunch.  _ Damnit. _

“I saw you two. I haven’t seen Clarke like that for a long time,” he said with a warm tone, which made Lexa head swirl with only about a million questions. “You won’t get anything from me,” he warned and Lexa felt a pout forming. “But I will say this. Be patient with her. She’s worth it.”

“I thought I came here about a contract, not dating advice,” she said and crossed her arms over her chest. “If I wanted to talk about my personal life, I would have asked.”

Bellamy held up his hands in surrender and reached down to fish up a couple of papers. “Fine. I brought the contract, but I have to warn you. With all of the materials, the guys and potential errors that we haven’t discovered yet, it’s a pretty big number.”

Grateful of his swift change of subject, she dropped her defensive posture.

“Bellamy,” Lexa said and tried very hard not to roll her eyes. “I appreciate you looking out for me, but I’ve got it under control.” He nodded and took a sip of his water. Before Bellamy had a chance of continuing his presentation of the contract however, the waitress showed up at their table.

“Hi Bell,” a girl with black hair said and walked up with a notepad in her hand. “How’s it going?”

“Maya, hey,” Bellamy said and smiled. “Maya, this is Lexa, Linc’s sister. Lexa, this is Maya Vie, she is one of the owners of this place!”

“Really?” Lexa said and Maya nodded with an even brighter smile and held out her hand. “Hi, it’s nice to meet you!”

“Likewise,” Lexa said with a smile and shook her hand. “Is it your parents or grandparents that opened this place?” She asked politely and Maya beamed at the question.

“Great grandparents,” she said proudly. “I’m just here filling in for mom, she’s cooking for the barbeque tonight. Dad’s in the back, but he’ll just be manning the grill later. You’re coming, right?”

“Yes I am,” Lexa said.

“Great, then you can meet Jasper and our boys. It’s nice with a new face around here. Anyways, don’t mean to keep you. What can I get ya?”

“I’ll have a BLT with two extra tomatoes, with extra onion rings,” Bellamy said with a smile. “Lexa?”

“A Cobb sandwich please, and a coke,” she said and handed Maya back the menu. She nodded and walked over to the next table before continuing to the kitchen.

“Maya and Jasper had twins about ten years back,” Bellamy repeated and Lexa nodded.

“Thomas and James, right?” Lexa said with some uncertainty, but Bellamy did a thumbs up.

“Yep. You’ll see them tonight, they’re pretty darn smart those kids. But dangerous,” he said with a laugh. “They take after Jasper, in other words, they experiment. And they’re getting older, which means bigger experiments. It was fine when they were, like, three years old and they’d become amazed by one of those volcanoes, but now… I do not envy Maya, if you get what I mean. Jasper is like a big teenager, still loves a good experiment.”

“It sounds like an accident waiting to happen,” Lexa said with a laugh and Bellamy raised his glass to toast to that statement. 

“Let me see what you’ve been working on,” Lexa said and gestured towards the papers. “I knew what I was getting into when I bought the place, so just hand them over. I’m a big girl,” she said with a smirk. “Even if you might remember me as a seven year old with plaits.”

“I guess you’re right. Fine.”

And so it began. They spend the next hour going over the house room by room, about what Lexa wished would get done and what Bellamy recommended getting done. And when they had gone over all of that, they talked about materials, brands and then colors. And by the end of that hour Bellamy was close to tears when Lexa picked up the pen and signed her loopy signature on the contract with a steady hand. 

“I can’t tell you how much this means to me,” Bellamy said when they stepped outside. “You’ve got a vision, I could tell the moment you walked me through the house yesterday. If I didn’t believe that you possessed that, I wouldn’t have agreed to do this. But I think that what you have in mind can really work.”

“Thanks Bell,” Lexa said and the surprising comment. “Are you coming to the barbeque tonight?”

“Yeah, all of us are.”

“Oh, shoot, hey Bell, is your mom by any chance home?”

Bellamy’s eyebrows rose but he just nodded. “Yeah she is, doing something for tonight.”

“Great, I’ll head over there. See you later,” she said and smiled. She went to get Parker and smiled when she saw three boys huddled around him, carefully petting him.

One of the moms saw Lexa observing and quickly walked over to her. “I’m sorry, ma'am, if it’s any trouble, but he’s just so darn cute.”

“No trouble at all, he’s as friendly as they get,” Lexa said and let the boys take their time. She patiently stood by and let the boys take their time. Parker had noticed her and had his ears peaked, which had her smiling.

On her way over to Linc’s her head was in a million different places. She was at the house, in the store with the AC talking with the southern woman, walking down the market with Clarke full of giddiness, eating lunch with Bellamy and at the barbeque and signing the contract. Her mind was so preoccupied that she barely even registered that she had pulled to a stop next to a house. But, in a horror, she noticed that it wasn’t just any house.

It was the house that haunted her in her nightmares.

Her old house.

Lexa looked around and with a jolt of panic noticed how her heart had begun to pick up speed. She knew even before it broke out that she was about to have a panic attack and she was nowhere near her medicine, or anyone to call for help.

Lexa felt her chest tighten up and her lungs desperately fought to expand all the way, making her breaths come in short, shallow puffs of air. She struggled to get the door to open and once she did she nearly stumbled out of the car, bracing herself by throwing her hands out to break an eventual fall. She didn’t expect this. Why did she end up here? Habit, she supposed. But she was never the one that had been driving, she argued. Still, habit. Her hands started to feel clammy and her vision started to blur. She sat down clumsily on the ground and closed her arms around her legs in a deathgrip, trying to gain some sense of control of her body, but her mind couldn’t really focus at the moment. All she could think about was that clammy heat, the light that flashed through the dark and an evil face, staring back at her through the dark.

_ Calm down,  _ she ordered herself.  _ You’re just having another one of your episodes. You’re fine. Calm down.  _

She kept thinking those thoughts and nearly jumped three feet in the air when she felt two hands coming to rest atop her shoulders.

“Don’t touch me!” She shrieked and shied away from the hands. The hands stayed away, but somewhere in her brain she registered an unknown voice that was talking to her with a firm but gentle tone.

“I need you to breathe for me, can you do that?” Lexa felt herself nodding and sucked in a gasp of air. “Now, what’s your name?” 

_ Such a loaded question,  _ she thought and felt her breath hitch.  _ Too much, never the truth. But right.  _ But she knew her name, she pressed on until it came out as a stutter. “L-Lexa.”

“Good. Lexa, can you tell me where you are?”

“No, yes. I’m...ah-” she said and turned her head, taking in her surroundings. _What can I say? What will make sense?_ _I know exactly where I am, but I’m here at a different time, she was only seven and scared to death._ She was about to panic when the voice calmed her down.

“What can you feel?”

“Feel?” She said in a small voice. “Uhm, I-I can feel the dirt under my shoes,” she said with a shaky voice. “The ah...breeze against my s-skin, heat from the s-sun.” As she said those words, she could feel the tightness in her chest ease up just a bit, enough for her to focus her eyes.

“What can you hear?”

“I can hear uhm, the b-birds,” she said and finally felt her lungs being able to expand more so they could function more normally. “And the cars from the road. Your voice,” she said with an even smaller tone. And after she’d said that, she felt her body slump up against the side of the car, the panic attack subsiding. “Oh, God,” she said, blinked and looked ahead at the person in front of her through a blurry vision. “I don’t know what happened, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I just-”

“Hey,” the stranger said with a firm tone. Lexa noted a couple of details about her, such as her dirty blonde hair and kind hazel eyes, and the swell of her belly. “Don’t worry about me. Just take a couple of deep breaths for me, okay? You’re not the first one I’ve seen having a panic attack. Just breathe.”

Lexa nodded and closed her eyes. Breathe. She could feel her heart beating loudly in her chest, her chest heaving with each breath. It had been a while since she’d had a panic attack. A good few months since the last one, but never as bad as this one had been. Although it had taken her a lot longer to calm herself down after that last one.  _ It helped, _ she guessed,  _ to have someone near _ .

“I’m glad to hear that,” the girl said softly, which made Lexa’s eyes shoot open. Did she say that out loud?”

“I’m a mess, sorry,” Lexa said with an apologetic chuckle which ended as a strangled sob. “It’s just been a while.” She put her head in her hands and took a couple more breaths before finally feeling like herself again. She looked up and debated whether or not she should stand. The blonde seemed to get the idea and stood up first, offering her her hand.

“Thanks. I’m Lexa, which you already knew, sorry,” she said in a hurry, already feeling the shame settling. She grabbed her hand and let herself be pulled up. “I’m not usually like this,” she said and wiped the palms of her hands on her shorts.

“Harper. And don’t worry about it, you’re fine. I live just a couple houses down and was outside. Got a bit worried when I saw you stumbling out of the car,” she said with an apologetic tone. “I’m not usually the nosy neighbour, but there’s rarely anyone coming here anymore.” Her tone dropped a little and Lexa started to feel the impact of her actions. How would she explain how she ended up here? Should she lie? Should she come up with an alternate truth? Tell the truth?

She would give herself a migraine if she didn’t pull herself together.

“I uh… I know one of the ah,” she said and cast a glance at the house. Some shattered windows, grass overgrown, wood looked rotten in some places.  _ No one had wanted to come near this place, _ she thought to herself.  _ I can’t blame them.  _ “I know one of the victims,” she said with a shudder. “I guess it hit me harder than I thought, coming here.”

“I’ve only heard stories. I moved here a couple of months ago, only heard about it on the news. What an awful thing, and that poor girl.” Harper looked at her with big, worried eyes and Lexa cast hers down. She’d known those eyes all of her life. And she hated being pitied. She knew that in this situation it was different, but in this moment she didn’t really care to separate the two. Pity was pity, and Lexa was sick of it.

“Yeah,” Lexa said and felt her walls slamming back up in place. She straightened up and unschrunched her eyebrows. Anything to erase what just had happened. She’d deal with it later. “Anyways, I’ve gotta get going, I have a pie to make.”

“For the barbeque?” Harper said and offered a smile. “Me and Monty are going to swing by, hey, aren’t you the one who bought that house up on the hill?” Lexa nodded. “Monty mentioned it to me yesterday, said that you’ve hired Bellamy’s crew to do the construction?” Lexa nodded again. “Well, you won’t be disappointed, they’re a great group of guys. Gets the job done in no time. Anyways, don’t let me keep you, we’ll see each other again tonight!”

Lexa tried out a smile. “Yeah, we will. Hey, listen, I would appreciate that you didn’t mention this to my brother, he gets a little worried sometimes.”

“No problem! That would be Lincoln, right?”

“Yeah,” Lexa said and finally felt her world beginning to feel alright. Her heart still had a hard time catching up, but her hands had stopped shaking so much. “You know him?” Lexa had a memory of Octavia mentioning Harper and Monty, and their daughter yesterday.

“Our spouses are best friends, hard not to,” she said with a small laugh. “Well, that made me feel officially old. Spouses, ugh. Well, see you tonight Lexa,” she said with a smile and walked away with a wave. Lexa waved back and with a last glance towards the sad sight of her childhood home, she got back into her car and drove to Octavia and Lincoln’s house and pushed away all of her thoughts forcefully to the back of her head. 

She’d hate to end up anywhere else than she was supposed to go.

She got home and directly went about making the pie. She’d lost nearly an hour at the house and now had to really put in a gear if she wanted this to be done by five. She’d hoped that she could have gone over to Mrs Blake’s a bit earlier to ask her of some discretion, but she’d have to take that at the actual barbeque. Or just hope that Abby had already told her about the situation.

Lexa wasn’t regretting buying that house a second, but that panic attack sure brought along some feelings she thought she’d left behind. Sure, Lexa knew that she’d always have panic attacks, but blackouts too? She sighed quietly to herself. The trauma she’d been through was two decades ago. That house was overgrown with weeds and left to rot. Why couldn’t her mind just let those memories rest? 

For the gazillionth time in her life, she wished to be normal.

She was just tired of always coming up with new ways to deal with the same trauma that would come and go, always in new forms and always taking her by surprise. She’d found some comfort in knowing that she’d at least found ways to work through it, and a lot of them included to tire herself out through working out, moving her body, and some other included taking medication. She longed to go for a nice long jog, but one, she had a pie to make and two, she could feel her chest tightening at the thought of going running through these woods. 

She’d make a point of asking Octavia where the closest gym was, seeing as running anywhere in nature around here would eventually lead to her ending up curled in a ball somewhere.

And she strongly disliked taking her meds, that only gave her flashbacks of those years where she’d have to hand her mama her pills.

This was obviously something to be dealt with, but for now she just pushed it to the side. Always pushing things to side until the ‘side’ started to bubble over.

“Something smells delicious in here,” Octavia said and sat down at one of their bar stools. “Bellamy just called. In hysterics. Saying you signed the deal, congrats man.” Lexa shot her a smile and finished pouring the rest of the berries into the already baked crust. “Jesus, what’s in that anyways?”

“It’s a basic crust that’s been in the oven for twenty minutes, and then I mixed fresh blueberries, strawberries and raspberries along with some mint leaves and a squeeze of lemon. This pie with some whipped cream was Linc’s favorite pie growing up.”

“Still is!” She heard him call out and Lexa laughed.

“My bad. Hey, can you carry over the bottles of lemonade I bought over to the barbeque? I’ll need both hands to carry this pie,” she said and pulled off the apron. “I’ll just have to freshen up a bit, then I’ll meet you guys there.”

“You sure?” Octavia said.

“Yeah, we can wait,” Lincoln chipped in.

“No, really, go. I’ll be right there, it’s just down the street, yeah?” They nodded and Lincoln grabbed the bottles.

“See you soon!”

She nodded and headed for her room where her suitcase stood neatly against the foot of the bed with all of her clothes still folded inside. Lexa could handle many things, but what she could not handle was not being organized. She’d heard several explanations about how that was a way of specifically her, as well as many others, dealing with her trauma, because of the disarray of thoughts in her mind she’d have to have an organized environment to have at least one sense of control in her life.

Lexa usually just told whomever said that to go to hell, seeing as she’d rather have a clean and organized environment than a messy one that attracted rodents. The reason she’d gone to see Niylah for so long was, Lexa suspected, Niylah’s ability to turn off her hearing on and off.

She pulled out a pair of washed out Lee jean shorts that had come to be a favorite pair of hers, seeing as the ones she was wearing now bore traces of dirt and flour, along with a faded grey Boston t-shirt from years back when she had gone there to sit in on a Harvard lecture. Lexa never really put that much thought into what she was wearing, she only cared about not wearing too many colors all at once. Maybe that might actually be an actual aftermath of her abnormal childhood before all of the trauma, but she didn’t have time nor the will to dwell too much about that one. She slipped into her low black converse, skipping her leather jacket knowing it was way too hot outside to even consider it.

She whistled for Parker as she grabbed the pie and met him by the door and together they went down the street towards the laughter and music.

She could hear the barbeque being in full swing by the time she’d gotten a couple of houses down the street and smiled to herself at the sight. A long table was set up in the middle of the road, people milling around, laughing and talking loudly. Kids were running around and dogs were slinking back and forth amongst the legs of the people, snagging food that was dropped. Someone had their door open and from it a stereo was blasting music, and  _ thank god _ , Lexa thought, not some crappy ‘today’s hits list’, but real, actual music. Like right now she could hear  _ Sugar, sugar  _ by The Archies and Lexa felt like she was in high school again. 

They’d played this song at one of her first school dances, she’d gone only so that she could cover the dance for the school newspaper. 

She was so wrapped up in that memory that she didn’t notice who was walking up to her until she stood a good three feet from her.

“Lexa, hey,” Clarke said and joined her. Lexa had to visibly swallow at the sight of her and was undecided if she hated whomever decided it was fair for someone to look the way Clarke did, or if she should send them flowers. 

Clarke had on a pale yellow t-shirt, that somehow made her hair look even more golden, that was tucked in in soft faded blue jean shorts, and she’d tied the front strands of her hair back, almost so it resembled a crown. She felt as if she was standing in front of a goddess.

All that she could do was swallow and take a calming breath before attempting to speak. She failed.

“H-Hi,” she said and cursed herself for sounding like she’d just run a mile. Then, panicking because she couldn’t think straight, she went straight to the most obvious subject and motioned to the pie she was holding. “I’m supposed to bring this to your mom, any chance you know where to find her?”

“Oh. Sure, I’ll show you. Bell’s over the moon, by the way.”

“I’m just glad that he seems just as excited about it as I am, otherwise I might not have signed it.”

“From what he’s told me, you’re either inherited a fortune from a long lost relative who died, or you’re a celebrity and we’re just too off the grid to know you. So, are we close?”

Lexa barked out a laugh. Even though they weren’t that far off on either of those assumptions, it still sounded hilarious. “Sadly for you, you’re going to have to get some beer into me before I go spilling all of my deepest darkest secrets.”

“Don’t see why that should be a problem,” Clarke said smoothly with a wink and Lexa nearly choked on her own tongue. 

Clarke just laughed at Lexa’s expression before tapping a woman on the shoulder ahead of them. “Hey mom, Lexa’s here!”

Abby whirled around with a smile on her face. “Lexa! Oh I’m so glad you could make it honey.”

“Thanks Abby. Here, made this for the hosts, or well, anyone who likes a decent berry pie.” She scratched the back of her neck as she handed it over to Abby, self conscious as always. She should work to get her confidence up a notch, but that department only functioned at work when she stood in her gear on a scene, or when she stood in a kitchen. It was much easier to do when you had a script, a way and an order of doing things. Personal stuff never went the way it was supposed to go, god damn it, no matter how hard she tried.

“Oh you didn’t have to do that!” Abby exclaimed, but smiled nonetheless. She put the pie down at the table and swapped it for a plastic cup of something. “Here,” she said and handed it to her. “It’s hot out, make sure you drink something. You too Clarke!” Abby said and then she was being dragged away. Lexa looked to her left and saw that Octavia had grabbed onto her. Clarke just chuckled and went after them, which made Lexa’s lips turn upwards.

“Guys!” Octavia shouted to the crowd of what Lexa assumed was their ‘best friend group’. “This is Linc’s sister Lexa, please make her ears bleed with hilarious stories of him and only him, you got it? I hear anyone mention the Hannah Montana incident, you’re dead.”

“The what now?” Lexa said and blinked.

“Don’t worry,” a guy with pale skin and dark brown hair said, wearing a smirk. Then in a not-so hushed whisper, he added; “I’ll tell you when she’s not around.” That earned a snigger from a guy with asian descent with a very friendly face, dressed in cargo shorts and a deep green t-shirt. “I’m Jasper and that jerk over there,” he pointed towards that said guy, “is Monty. Class clowns, class kings.”

“You guys still yapping about that?” Said a girl with sunburnt skin and dark brown hair worn up in a high ponytail with a laugh.

“Still is the truth though,” Jasper said and the girl made an eye roll.

“I’m Raven,” she said and bumped Clarke’s shoulder. “You ever mess with this one, I’ll hunt you down with my axe.”

Lexa blinked. “I’m sorry, what?”

Clarke made a choking noise at the same time Lexa’s words were out of her mouth, and then she proceeded with slapping Raven’s head. “Rae, what the hell?”

“Word travels fast my friends,” she said with a smirk. “You both know what I’m talking about and I’m standing by my statement. Even though I technically work under you,” she added with a nod.

Clarke whipped around and stared at Lexa. Lexa took a sip of the beverage and thanked the gods that it was beer. Maybe not as cold as she’d liked it, but beer nonetheless. She would never make it through this night without alcohol, and she was ten minutes into it. “What?” She said when Clarke continued to stare at her.

“Why would Raven work under you?”

“Oh,” Lexa said. “Well, I’m the new Lieutenant on Squad,” she said.

“I thought you said you were just a firefighter, you didn’t mention you were the new Lieutenant,” Clarke said and Raven slowly backed away, leaving the two of them alone.

“I’m sorry,” Lexa said with a confused tone. “I thought I’d mentioned it earlier.” Clarke shook her head and Lexa started to unlike the direction of this conversation, even though she felt like she was treading through muddy waters. “Are you okay?” She knew that she herself hated that question, but in this moment it felt needed.

“What? Oh, yeah, sorry,” Clarke said hastily, and Lexa worried that maybe Clarke wasn’t as fine as she said she was. But since she couldn’t really judge, she tried to just follow the blonde’s lead. “I talked with Wells the other day, that’s him, over there,” Clarke pointed towards a dark skinned guy standing over with a girl their age with pale skin and auburn hair. “His dad is the chief. He’d mentioned a couple of things about the new Lieutenant,” she said in a breath. Then paused. “Well, about you, I guess,” she said and cast her eyes downwards.

“Only good things I hope,” Lexa said with an awkward chuckle for the second time that day to the blonde, hoping for dear life that that was the case.

“Totally, yeah no, don’t worry about it, it was smack talk mostly, he said that you were one of the best firefighters in New York who’d made Lieutenant in the shortest amount of time. He was over the moon when he talked about you. And he was very impressed with one of your saves, the one up on the 25th floor?”

“Oh,” Lexa said and scratched the back of her neck. “Yeah, that was certainly a call that I’ll never forget.” Was this the only reason behind that reaction? Of her reputation as a  _ firefighter _ ? Lexa had a hard time believing that, but rode with it nonetheless. If Clarke wanted to tell her something else later, that would be up to her. “I’ll tell you the full story of that sometime, if you want. I think some people might exaggerate it a bit,” she said.  _ Or a lot. _

“Yeah?” Clarke said with a hesitant smile. “You mean to tell you you weren’t dangling out of a window up on the 25th floor with five kids slung over your shoulders?”

“Five?” Lexa said with wide eyes, but when Clarke laughed, Lexa just rolled her eyes. But that wouldn’t stop the heat rising in her cheeks. “Yeah, well, it certainly wasn’t five kids, just the one.”

“Did I hear that right?” A voice said close to Lexa’s ear which caused her to wince. “Is the commander going to share some exclusive  _ New York badass firefighting moments _ ? Oh tonight just became so much more fun!”

Raven’s voice carried and suddenly Lexa was pushed down in a chair, handed another cup of beer and before she knew it, all of the adults had sat down around the table and now all eyes were on her. Lexa desperately searched for Lincoln’s eyes, but only sighed when she saw a smirk plastered upon his face with an eyebrow raised as if to say ‘ _ Well, you wanted this. Go on. _ ’

“Fine,” she muttered. “Which one do you guys want to hear first? I guess you’ve heard a lot, by the turnout of this,” she said and threw a dirty look down the table where she’d noticed Thelonious Jaha, the chief. He just chuckled when everyone else cheered and started to load up food. He must have told this Wells, his son, and Wells must have told literally everyone else.

Amazing.

“Tell us about that time you had to jump out of a window from that skyscraper!” The request came from a much younger and pitchier voice than she’d expected, and when she looked around she saw a young girl, couldn’t have been more than seven, with light brown skin and curly hair, with eyes as round as saucers, filled with wonder and awe. Lexa couldn’t do anything else but oblique. 

“It was around two in the afternoon,” she said and now someone had quieted down the music so that Lexa’s voice could be heard. “We’ve had quite a slow day when the call came.  _ Apartment fire, multiple floors.  _ We raced down the streets, sirens blaring and all of us anticipating the worst. When we got there, we first couldn’t see it. Where were the flames?” Lexa, on purpose, painted up a picture so that especially the girl could more easily picture it in her mind. She’d succeeded on that point, the girl was like in a trance.

“We saw a crowd of people streaming out of the building, and then my eyes started to wander up the building. And up there, maybe on the twentieth floor, smoke was billowing out. I knew we had to act fast. I ordered my squad to mask up. Since it was a fully evolved fire we couldn’t take the elevator up, so we started to climb the stairs. Fifty stairs later and we reached the top and we could feel the heat of the fire.

“Me and two others went in on the twenty sixth floor, the floor above the flames. We banged on doors, shouting out ‘ _ Fire Department, evacuate the building! _ ’ Everyone had gotten out, or so I thought. I was about to go back out when I heard a shout. ‘ _ Help! _ ’ I ordered my guys to quiet down, so that I could locate the voice. And to my horror, I realized that the voice was coming from the floor below us. The floor that held the worst of the flames.

“We raced down and forced the door open and I raced down the hallway to the location of the voice. I started calling out ‘ _ Fire department, call out if you can hear me! _ ’. Then I heard him, just a door down. Apartment nineteen D. I kicked down the door and closed it just as fast behind me, blocking out the most dangerous fumes from the smoke. Inside of the apartment was a young boy, maybe six or seven. Your age. I radioed to my team and while they tried to fight some of the flames to clear a path for us, I had a nice chat with him. His name was Finnick and he was seven and a half. By this time I knew that something was up, I could hear shouts through the radio.

“Then I saw something that made me a bit too anxious to just sit and wait. The smoke was starting to seep through the door, and on the door there were these small bubbles starting to form on the wood. I knew that we were out of time. So I said to Finnick that now it was time for him to be brave. I anchored myself to the radiator that was connected to the wall and pushed the window all the way up. Then I turned around to Finnick and told him to trust me. I also explained to him that it was my job to get us down to the nest floor safely and his job to hold on to me, as tight as he could. I picked up Finnick, pressed him against me and then slowly I climbed out of the window. He followed my instructions, I could feel his tight grip on my jacket.

“Up in the air I could feel the cool breeze and hear the sirens from below us. But I tried to focus. I lowered us down at a safe pace, and when I reached a window I had to break it, it was locked on the inside. And when we slid in through the window to the apartment below, it took us maybe five seconds before we both started laughing. Finnick thought that that was the most cool thing he’d ever done in his life. And it was certainly one of the most terrifying things that I’d been forced to do, but I’d do it a million times again to hear that little boy laugh.”

The girl hadn’t blinked even one time and hadn’t touched her food, her eyes were completely focused on Lexa’s story and when she registered that she was done the questions nearly tumbled out of her mouth.

“But wasn’t he scared? How did you break the glass? Did it feel like you were  _ spiderman _ ? Did Finnick get to ride in an  _ ambulance _ ? And what-”

“Okay, Iris, one question at the time please,” Wells said in a pleading tone, but everyone else just chuckled.

Lexa chuckled as well. “Scared? Yes, both him and me. Me more than him. I have this tool with me in my pocket,” Lexa explained. “That helps me break glass. Finnick didn’t have to ride in the ambulance, he just got to inhale some very special air that you breathe in through a mask,” she said and laughed at Iris’ response. She was jumping up and down in her chair.

“Oh, daddy daddy please, may I please go in an ambulance daddy, and ride in the firetruck?”

“Iris,” the woman with the auburn hair said with a chuckle. “Please let us enjoy this barbeque, we can surely stop by daddy’s work later in the week. Thank you, by the way,” she said and waved at Lexa. “I’m Sasha by the way, the mom of this little firefighter over there,” she said and nodded towards Iris. 

“You’ve got some mad storytelling skills,” Jasper said and blew out a low whistle. “Had me all sucked in and all. Lucky thing I’m already in the business, otherwise I might wanna join.”

“Well,” Lexa said after a pause. “Thanks?” Chuckles and laughter were heard and then conversation went around the table as usual. Lexa, even though she knew she was blushing like never before, felt a small smile forming on her lips, looking around the table she felt nothing but love. No real drama, no family feuds, no hidden monsters that would come crawling out of the ground. Well, except for her own, of course. But this right here, this was something special. And she was currently witnessing first hand of everything that she’d wished for since she was seven.

A normal, big and happy family.

Lexa couldn’t help casting a glance Clarke’s way after her story, fearing that she’d be met with fear and resentment and anguish, but she couldn’t have been more wrong.

Clarke was looking at her with such admiration and wonder that it made Lexa’s head spin. It was like nothing but the two of them that existed at that very moment. She was locked in her eyes, but she couldn’t bring herself to care. All that mattered were Clarke’s deep, sparkling, ocean blue eyes and all of Lexa’s thoughts and problems just blew away. It was like staring into the night sky, a sky filled with all of the stars of the universe. The deep blue ocean, with the moon’s reflection dancing on its surface. She’d never laid eyes on anyone as beautiful as Clarke was in her life.

She could feel being trapped by her gaze, being held locked in place. All she could do was hang on for dear life.

If they’d paid a little more attention they’d notice the glances that were cast their way amongst the people around the table. They would notice Lincoln and Octavia’s loving glances, they would wave away Abby’s knowing smile and huffed at Raven’s eye roll. They would notice and blush when Jasper whispered something in Maya’s ear that caused the smallest giggle and glance their way. They would wave away Wells and Sasha’s exchange of looks with Monty and Harper. They’d notice that the conversation slowed for a minute and would have tried desperately to smooth it over.

But they were just too consumed with each other, so everyone remained hushed and quiet, letting the moment of pure affection between them play out so that it could pour into each and every one of them and remind them of what is most important.

Family.

Lexa as well as Clarke were oblivious to all of that of course. They had no idea of the upcoming bet that would circle around, about how long everyone thought that they could avoid the inevitable. Since most of them only knew Clarke they could only bet on the information from what they knew of her habits and past love life, but with a few helpful comments from Lincoln, they soon had a bet going that was between two weeks and two months. 

So while Lexa and Clarke held on for dear life, everyone just sat back and watched them dance around each other, already knowing what would happen in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And as always, you can find me on Instagram at @ao3fantasycloud if you'd rather talk with me there than on here! There you can say hi to Parker as well and eventually get to see Lexa's house that she's working on!


	10. The Tallulah Gorge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And as promised, a Wednesday update ;)

The rest of the week passed in a blurr. The day after the barbeque Bellamy’s construction crew showed up at eight am sharp and not long after that, a huge blue container.

Lexa had been there an hour before them and had already been piling some stuff out of the lawn and waved at them when she saw the cars arrive.

“There’s coffee in the kitchen,” she said and pushed some hair out of her face. Some of the guys nodded a thanks and they went inside, and Bellamy met up with her on the porch.

“So,” Bellamy said. “Today and the rest of the week we’ll mainly focus on throwing everything that’s not supposed to be left away in a container that will show up in a bit. Pretty simple, but sometimes quite boring. But it’s this part that’s going to blurr by, it’s usually when your hands and head are busy when time seems to pass. But when we move on to plumbing and wiring, that will seem like forever,” he warned and Lexa nodded.

“Anyways,” Bellamy said after started moving towards the house. “What did you think about everyone yesterday?”

Lexa smiled. “They're great, really. I didn’t quite follow when Raven, Jasper and Monty started talking about… Well, whatever they were talking about. I guess that I’ll figure it out sooner or later when I start on Monday. Speaking of which, from my understanding almost all of you work down at the firehouse?”

Bellamy chuckled. “It was never supposed to be like that, it just happened. I guess that I graduated high school and started the fire academy. And then because my sister decided that I could never be better than her at anything, she started to. Dragging the whole bunt with them.”

“Hm,” Lexa thought. “Maybe.” But in her head she knew that that wasn’t completely true. Bellamy had probably done it to keep close to Octavia, and Octavia had probably stayed because he was there. And because they were such a tight group, some of them had followed, sure, but not because everyone loved firefighters, but because they loved each other.

Raven, Jasper, Wells, Monty, Bellamy, Octavia. All but Clarke.

But then she remembered Clarke’s dad who passed away while on a call, and then she started to think that she’d gotten things wrong. Maybe they weren’t all firefighters to stick together. Maybe they’d all become firefighters to prevent a similar tragedy to the one they’d already had. To keep Clarke, and each other and their families, safe. 

Either way, it was an honourable choice that they’d made.

All day long they worked. At noon Lexa called for pizzas that were delivered and passed around the group and when the day was done, she had a cooler filled with beer.

“You sure know how to treat a man,” a guy from Bellamy’s crew, George, said. Lexa chuckled and raised her bottle.

“Well, I’ve worked with my fair share of firefighters, male ones, especially. If I hadn’t picked up on the cold beer, the pizza and the coffee, I wouldn’t have earned my Lieutenant’s badge.”

He laughed at that and walked to sit with the others back out on the porch to enjoy the last few moments of the day after the long day of work they’d have. Lexa leaned against the counter, and closed her eyes. Imagining a future when those voices were the ones of her family, having come down here for a visit to check out her newly renovated home. Or how she invited all of her, hopefully, new friends, and a certain blonde, over for dinner. She could easily see herself with all of them, laughing, telling stories. Maybe even with an arm slung around Clarke’s shoulders.

At that Lexa opened her eyes and focused on reality. That moment that had happened yesterday was just that, a moment. Even though it felt as if Lexa’s world had shifted in that moment, it didn’t mean reality’s had. And it was important to point out that she was suddenly just going to go running down the street, singing love songs from the bottom of her heart and asking for her hand in marriage.

No she certainly wouldn’t do that, but she’d sure wanted to in that moment.

Because in that short moment all that existed in the world had been the two of them. It was like Clarke had been her anchor, keeping her from drifting out amongst the stars of the universe. She’d never felt something so strong as she’d done in that moment.

But then food had been passed around, drinks had started to be poured and the music was turned up. And the moment had passed.

The rest of the night had gone by and that had been fine. When it had been time to go home Lexa had simply let herself be dragged along with Lincoln and Octavia, too scared of what she might’ve said or done if she’d stayed after they’d gone home.

With other words, she’d scurried away like a scared dog with the tail between her legs.

She sighed. And with these thoughts the days went. Lexa moved her stuff into one of the more salvageable rooms and took what little she came with with her. She went down and bought herself an air mattress and whatever else she thought she might need. A towel, a package of paper plates and plastic forks and knives, seeing as they were about to start redoing some of the plumbing in the kitchen. And even though she was over the moon about finally having her own house, ghosts started to visit her in her dreams.

And some always bore that evil, cold face that would light up whenever the lightning crashed around them. 

She had hoped that moving to the opposite side of town, into a house that didn’t resemble her old one, and being surrounded by people and family, would drive the ghosts away, but she knew that that was just wishful thinking. 

The ghosts that she carried would never really be gone.

“By the looks of you, you need another beer, or three,” Bellamy said with a laugh three days into the construction of the house and handed her another bottle. Lexa had ordered Thai food for the crew and they had been out on the porch. Now most of them had left, leaving them alone, overlooking the start of what was going to be a spectacular sunset. 

Lexa looked up, took the beer and smiled. “Thanks, but I’m fine. Just tired,” she said with a sigh.

“Haven’t been sleeping well?” She shook her head once. “Anything I can help you with? Take your mind off something?” When Lexa stayed silent, a smirk that wasn’t there before appeared and Lexa had to stop herself from smacking it right back where it came from.

“You know Woods,” Bellamy said and leaned backwards next to her on the same counter. “You could just ask her out.”

“It’s not that simple. And it’s not why I haven’t been able to sleep.”

“Sure it is.”

“Nope.”

“Indulge me then,” he said with a smile this time. 

Lexa sighed and wondered where to even start. “You know my roots to this place.” He nodded and stayed silent, encouraging her to keep going but dropped the smirk. She took a breath and let the words fall out of her mouth. “I guess coming back here, seeing everyone… It just brings back a lot of memories. Ghosts that I thought I had overcome.”

When it was clear she wouldn’t share anything else, Bellamy sighed. 

“You’re talking about what happened here with your father.” 

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“Look, a lot of us, we’ve moved on. And it’s not like you were the one who did all the murdering.”

Lexa flinched at the word. “But I  _ can’t _ . I can’t just go about my day when I know that not far from here there lived a monster who had a shed in the woods, where he kept kidnapped girls, raped them, beat them and then murdered them. And then kept pictures of them like trophies up on the walls. I just can’t put that behind me, not when I know a part of the reason why he stayed in this area was us.”

“That’s bullshit, he would’ve done it wherever you guys might’ve gone.”

“Still. It’s something that I’ll always carry. Did you guys follow his case? Well, I did. Did you know that he murdered  _ thirty seven _ women? Six of them had kids. Four of them were engaged, twenty two just started college, each with their own pair of parents, siblings and loved ones. Costia… He had kept Costia bound like an animal. And when I think about her down there, I see all of the other ones down there.”

Bellamy had gone silent, with his knuckles turning white from gripping the railing too hard. He didn’t want to hear this, but Lexa needed to say it.

“Sometimes my ghosts are him, standing there in the woods. And sometimes the ghosts are just faceless, powerless girls. I can hear their voices,” she said in a whisper, filled with pain. “I hear them calling out. And I know that it’s not my fault, but knowing that won’t erase their faces from my mind. The man I call my  _ father _ took them from this earth,  _ kept pictures  _ of them and had them hanging on the  _ wall _ .” She paused and took a breath. 

“Sometimes a voice or two cries out, wondering why I didn’t find them sooner.”

“Stop that,” Bellamy said with a firm voice. “You were seven, for god’s sake. Everyone’s just amazed that you managed to find out when you did. Who knows how many others he would have taken if you hadn’t found him? And I know this won’t convince you, but you’re not the only one with baggage.

“Look at me, for example,” he said, gesturing to himself. “Do you know why my mom lives alone?” Lexa shook her head. “My so called dad used my mom for years, popped in and out of her life. She had us two. Then when she started demanding that he should be around more often for us, he bailed. Looked him up a few years back. Turns out that he’d had another family back when he was taking advantage of my mom. He had a wife and three other kids. They’re divorced now, and god knows how many other families he’s done this to.”

Lexa swallowed. “I never knew,” she mumbled.

“No, you didn’t. And no one else knows, by the way, so don’t go telling anyone. Anyways, my point is that we’ve all got our own big deep dark secrets, but that doesn’t make us  _ them _ . I’m not my father, and I never will be, just as you’re not and won’t ever be your father.”

“But I’ve got his blood,” Lexa whispered and buried her head in her hands.

“And I’ve got mine. I’m not saying all of this just because you’re upset. I wouldn’t be saying this to just anyone, I’m saying this partly because Clarke’s special. She’s one of the most spectacular girls that I know, and she’s already been plenty hurt. But you’ve been here for less than a week and I’ve never seen her this way about anyone.”

“How did you make this about Clarke?” Lexa said bewildered.

“Because even though I don’t know the new you, I still know  _ you _ . I know you from what Lincoln’s told us, from stories I’ve heard from Chief Jaha and from what I can remember from back when we were kids. You haven’t changed a bit. I remember once when Octavia had fallen, you stayed and kept talking to her when I ran to get mom. Turns out that she had twisted her ankle, but you stayed and kept her calm.”

“I don’t remember that,” Lexa said.

Bellamy smiled. “I imagine you wouldn’t. You were only four. You wanted to help, you’ve always wanted to help. You never spoke ill of anyone, always did what you thought was right and everyone who knows you haven’t got a bad thing to say about you. You became a firefighter, who’s all about helping people. Hell, you went out the window of a twenty five story building just to save that boy.” Lexa felt her lips tugging upwards a little. “And I would know that look anywhere, by the way. That look you get when you see her, talk to her, hell, even just talk  _ about  _ her. You’re in this deeper than you think.”

“It’s not that simple,” Lexa said but was interrupted.

“Again with the simple. Why the hell not? After all, it’s just two people who likes each other, going out for a meal. Doesn’t seem that complicated.”

“If that was all there was to it, then sure,” Lexa said and sighed. “But it’s not. It never is.”

“It’s the same with all of you,” he sighed. “Look, a date is just a date, until you decide that it’s something else.”

“But it’s not,” Lexa argued back, and wondered if Bellamy was the right person to take this with. “Look, with all of my baggage, do I really want to bring someone, someone that I really like, into it? I don’t want her dealing with those ghosts, ever.”

“Just take it day by day. Ask her out. She has her own fair share of ghosts, by the way. And she’s not as fragile as you might think. Ask her out, let her decide if it’s worth it.”

Lexa was silent a minute, cursing his logic. The worst part about it was that it made perfect sense. After all, what was it she’d been telling Costia?  _ We all carry scars _ . She sighed. “Maybe you’re right.”

“Damn straight I am,” he said and nodded. “Now, I have to go home, kiss my wife and hug my kids.”

Lexa smiled. “You do that.”

“And do you know what day it is tomorrow?” Lexa raised an eyebrow. “Monday.”

“So I’ll guess I’ll see you bright and early then,” Lexa said, feeling another emotion taking place in her stomach. Anticipation.

That night she slept better. When she woke up it was by her alarm and not because she was bolting out of the air mattress with her breaths coming in pants. Signs of a good day.

Parker lay beside her, annoyingly opening an eye to observe what she was doing, not bothering to get up before she moved downstairs. Lexa chuckled at the sight of him. Parker was many things, but if he could sleep until noon, he would. So Lexa showered in the only working shower and then proceeded to change into her black pants, grey NYFD shirt and pulled her bag containing her gear over her shoulder. She’d have to put in an order for some new clothes, she couldn’t go around with her clothes and gear marked as New York.

“C’mon then Parker,” Lexa said and whistled. “Time to get up, you lazy.” She went downstairs and poured him some food and put on a pot of coffee. She felt a little nervous, she wouldn’t lie, the group that she would be working with was as tight as they’d get, she just hoped that she would fit in right alongside them.

That was one perk of being the Lieutenant, she supposed. She could always blame her lack of trying on paperwork, if it ever came to that. 

First she dropped Parker off at Linc’s, then she went down to the firehouse, she parked her car and headed directly to the Chief’s office.

“Chief,” she said and knocked on his door.

“Lexa, welcome,” he said and gestured for her to sit. “It’s so fun to have you with us. As I said over the phone, we’ve been one Lieutenant short ever since Jake’s accident. We’re lucky to have you.”

“Thank you Chief. I promise that I won’t try to step into his shoes. I’m just here to do my job.”

“And that is why you’re here. I think you’ll be a great fit with the team. Why don’t you go on back, say hello to everyone?”

“I’ll do that,” she said and stood up. “Thanks, Chief.”

She walked back towards the locker rooms, passed by them and headed straight for the common room. In it sat Jasper and Monty, having some sort of lively discussion. Bellamy sat by the end of the table eating a bowl of cereal and Raven and Wells stood in the kitchen.

“I didn’t know you cooked Raven,” Lexa said and laughed when Raven looked up in horror. As did everyone else.

“She doesn’t,” Monty said with a laugh of his own. “As a matter of fact, Raven, what did we say about you being in the kitchen?”

“To not be in the kitchen,” she grumbled and stepped out.

“That’s right. No need to bring up the fire.”

“The fire?” Lexa said and felt her eyebrows rise.

“You’re right Monty,” Raven said. “There's really no need to mention that. Ever again.”

Lexa heard Jasper snigger and she went to sit by Bellamy. “So,” she said and pulled out the chair. “Could you give me the rundown of how you normally do things around here?”

“Sure,” he said and looked up. “I have a candidate, Kyle Wick, who’s pretty new and should be in any moment. He’s on kitchen duties. Truck, meaning me, Monty, Sinclair, Nate and Bryan, usually start off with inventory of the Truck, checking the tools and making sure that everything’s in working order. Squad, that’s you, Raven, Indra, Roan and Jasper, well, they’ve done a lot of drills lately and-”

“Wait, did you say Roan?” Bellamy looked at her with a weird look.

“Yeah, why do you-”

“Oh my God!” Lexa said when that said person went into the common room. “Roan?”

“Lexa?” Roan said with a surprised tone and smiled. “What are you doing here?”

“I work here now,” she said with a laugh and went around to give him a hug. “Wow, it must be like, what, four years since I saw you last!”

“Never thought I’d live to see the day where you settled down in some small southern town. My god, I suppose Lincoln moving here was the reason behind this?”

Lexa laughed and punched him lightly on the arm. “What else?”

“How’ve you been commander?”

“Not too bad,” she said. “But quit it with the commander business.”

“Never in a million years,” he chuckled.

The chatter went on, but suddenly a dark skinned woman sent through the doors and everyone seemed to quiet down. 

“Indra,” Bellamy said. “This is Lexa, our new Lieutenant from New York who’s going to be manning the squad. Why don’t you show her the truck?”

No word escaped her, but she nodded once in confirmation looked at Lexa. “Follow me Lieutenant.”

Her voice was hard, not even a single hint of gentleness or warmth. Lexa followed and put on her own game face. She locked her jaw, straightened her spine and followed Indra out, not speaking a word until she stopped.

“The truck,” she said and looked Lexa in the eye. “I was asked to step in as lieutenant when Jake passed. We have a damn fine crew, and we work just fine without you. Why should we let you in, follow you?”

“I’m not here to be liked. I’m here to do a job, a job that I’m good at. I’ve told the Chief this, but I’ll repeat it once more and then I’ll expect the subject dropped. I’m not here to take Jake’s place, and if you want to review my work, talk to the chief. I’ve earned my place, and I’ve worked hard for it and I’m good at it. Now, are you and I going to have a problem?”

Indra studied her once more before shaking her head. “No, we’re good.” And without another word, she went away, leaving Lexa quite baffled. Some of the guys she’d worked with had been hard on her, but she suspected that Indra would take a whole other ordeal of work to get on her good side.

“That’s a lot, coming from her,” Bellamy said when they’d gone inside and Indra went to check the truck’s side compartments. “She usually just stares at the new candidates, or barks at them. She only talks to the ones she tolerates, but I’ve never heard that come out of her mouth.”

“She just said that we’re good,” Lexa said and scrunched up her forehead.

“Trust me,” he said.

Lexa went and dumped her bad on her bed in her office and stared at the empty wall above her desk. Since she was the lieutenant, she got an office with a bed and a desk in it, everyone else just got a bed out in the quarters. Sure, she usually dealt with her fair share of paperwork, but it was worth having a bed behind closed doors. She was not a fan of the snoring.

Suddenly a blaring sound sounded through the building and Lexa was out of her chair in no time.

_ Truck 34, Squad 21, Engine 4, Ambulance 87. Multi vehicle accident. 48 Western street and Kensington. _

_ Here we go _ , Lexa thought and was in her gear and on her truck. Two seconds later and they were rolling out of the station.  _ Here we go. _

Jasper got them to the scene within ten minutes, which Lexa must say was impressive. Even though Polis was considered to be a small town, Polis was also the only town with a firehouse so that meant that Polis sometimes got calls about accidents and fire from the nearby towns which was the case on this call.

They entered Ton DC and were soon met by two cars, one with its front totaled and another one that had a lamppost embedded in its front and through the windshield.

Lexa jumped out of the truck and put on her helmet. “Raven and Jasper, check the vehicle over there, Indra and Roan, with me. Let’s work, people!”

Raven and Jasper raced to the other car and Lexa could hear how they had one confirmed driver, conscious but had a head wound. She saw Bellamy ordering one of the two paramedics, a girl, over there with a backboard and a c collar and sighed. She at least knew that she could count on them to get the job done correct.

When she, Indra and Roan reached the other car, Lexa immediately got worried about the situation. A dribble of gas from the underside of the car told her that they had to work fast. If that gas caught fire, it would be harder to get the victims out.

“Lieutenant,” Indra said. “I’ve got two kids in the back and a driver, mother. Mother’s unconscious with her legs pinned but the kids seem fine.”

“Alright, let’s get a backboard over here!” Lexa shouted back and started to work. She went around and popped the passenger seats window and carefully removed any glass that could be in the way. “Hey guys,” she said in a friendly voice to the two scared kids in the back, two smaller boys. “My name is Lexa and I’m a firefighter, okay? Let’s get you two out of here.”

They nodded and tried to reach her. Lexa looked back and saw that Roan was right behind her with two c collars. “Alright guys,” she said and jumped back into the SUV and fastened the two collars. “You have to wear these, but they’re really cool. Let’s get you unbuckled.” Since the kids had no visible damage, didn’t scream in pain and moved without complaint, she deemed it was safe to say that they hadn’t gotten hurt. So when she unfastened their harnesses to their carseats, she just carefully lifted them one by one out to Roan, and then they’d be handed over to the paramedics.

Paramedics she’d yet to say hello to, she realized. A problem for another time.

When she had lifted out the kids of the car she leaned over to the drivers side and tried to get a better view of why her feet were pinned. “Roan, get the cutter and take off the right backseat door. Indra, do the same but with the driver’s door. We’re going to have to work fast!” While he did that Lexa put two fingers against the woman's neck and felt relief flood her system when she felt a pulse. “Let’s move it people, I have a pulse but it's weak!”

“Cover yourself commander!” She heard Roan say. Lexa took off her jacket and put it over her head and put on a pair of glasses that were handed her way. While Roan cut the back door off and Indra cut the driver’s door of Lexa carefully put the c collar around the woman’s neck.

“Doors are off!”

“Alright Bellamy,” Lexa said. “Could use a hand getting her legs freed!” Bellamy and Nathan moved over and she had to hand it to them, they were fast. Soon her legs were free and they turned her seat just enough so that Lexa could fit the woman onto the backboard that Roan had in place for her. They brought her out through the backseat door and Lexa grabbed a hand that was outstretched her way that pulled her out the front.

Lucky thing, five seconds after they had exited the car it caught fire under the hood. Lexa heard Bellamy shout out orders and fire extinguishers were aimed at the flames.

“Nice work commander,” she heard Raven say and gave her a high five. “Got them all out without any hiccups.”

“Didn’t get the promotion by rolling my thumbs,” she joked back which earned some laughs. “Let’s pack it up!”

When they got back to the firehouse Lexa was stopped by Roan on the way back to her office. 

“It’s nice to finally have a Lieutenant who’s willing to take action. We’ve had a couple of temporary Lieutenants who've just stood by, observing and letting us do all of the heavy lifting. Indra was the only other one like you who actually did their job.”

“I take my job seriously,” she said and with a pat on her shoulder, Roan went past her on his way to the common room. Lexa slipped in her office, letting both them and her get some time apart. She guessed that they had a lot of gossip to get through. There usually was when there was a new member on any team, of how they’d been handling themselves and so on. She didn’t mind it, she just didn’t want to hear it.

So she busied herself with the paperwork of today’s incident so that it would be out of the way. She’d nearly finished it when yet another blaring sound sounded through the station.

_ Truck 34, Squad 21. Structure fire. 2387 Lincoln drive and South Chestnut street. _

“That old factory?” Jasper said in the truck on the way over there. “Isn’t that the one who had to shut down last year?” Indra nodded.

When they got there the building was on its way to collapsing. Chief Jaha pulled up right alongside them and stepped up, helmet on. “Alright people. You have five minutes, then I want everybody out. Woods, make sure everyone stays on a line.”

“You got it chief! Alright, everyone, masks on!” She went over to the truck and connected a line to the side of the truck and connected the other end to herself. “Everyone fasten yourselves, let’s move!”

They went in through the front entrance, Lexa could feel the others following her. She kept to the walls and called out ‘ _ Polis Fire Department, call out if you can hear me! _ ’. She could barely see anything through the smoke. Even before she had to ask, Jasper handed her a thermal scanner.

They combed through the factory with the little time they had and Lexa was about to call it when she saw a leg. “Got something!” She hurried over and saw that there was a man lying on his stomach, arms and legs sprawled out. Together they secured the man with a rope that they put over his chest and under his arms and then proceeded with dragging him out.

“Coming out chief, one victim, smoke inhalation and possible burns, unconscious.”

The two paramedics, two girls, met up with them and had the stretcher and the bag ready for them when they brought him out. Lexa, Roan, Indra and Raven hoisted the man up onto the stretcher while Jasper and the two paramedics held it steady.

“Alright, let’s get some lines going!” Bellamy shouted. “Murphy and Nathan, grab a hose each and let’s get ready to open them up! Murphy and Sinclair, how’s it going with that vent?”

Lexa looked up and saw that the aerial was raised to the roof. 

“ _ Venting now Lieutenant! _ ”

“Alright, hoses at the ready!” He said and as soon as he saw the two men back on the aerial he gave the signal. 

It took them two hours to get the building to stop burning. Lexa was sweating like never before and was already missing the New York City climate. Chief Jaha came around and held out his hand.

“Hell of a save there Lieutenant,” he said while Lexa shook his hand. “Roan walked me through to where you found him. If it had been any other person at the front, they wouldn’t have gotten that far that fast.”

“Thanks, Chief,” Lexa said and pushed her hair out of her face. “Just getting the job done.”

“I can see what they mean, when I ask about references,” Jaha said with a laugh. “You should learn how to take a compliment. You won’t get them very often.”

“Noted, Chief,” Lexa said with a nod. 

After that call, the shift went by without another incident. Lexa finished both reports and had dinner with the crew, laughing at stories and even played a game of cards with Roan.

“Just like old times,” he said with a chuckle. “You haven’t changed one bit.”

“No way, I’ve changed plenty,” Lexa argued.

“Oh yeah? I’ll believe that one when I see it.”

“You guys, I don’t believe you’ve actually told us the story of how you know each other,” Jasper said, which caught the attention of at last six of them. Lexa looked over at Roan who just shrugged and gestured for her to tell the story.

“Well, we met at my first job, actually,” Lexa said. “I was fresh out of the fire academy and Roan was one of the guys I was told to work with. First shift I ever worked started with a hotel fire. I was so nervous, and a bit claustrophobic in that mask truth be told. But he kept me calm and didn’t bark orders in my ear, like my captain did. He just helped me through that call, and we’ve kept in touch ever since. I had to transfer after about two years when I received my promotion, and-”

“Wait,” Raven said and held up a hand. “You made Lieutenant after just  _ two freaking years _ ?” 

“Worked my ass off, that’s for sure,” Lexa said and Roan nodded.

“Best candidate I’d ever seen,” Roan said and ignored Lexa’s protests when the comment was made. “Another thing you’ll learn about this one is that she can’t ever take a compliment.” Lexa rolled her eyes but remained silent. “See?” He said and earned a laugh from Nathan. “She got the promotion because she earned it, made some incredible saves. Everyone followed her lead.”

“Alright, enough about me. Now, Jaha said something about a save you guys did a while ago that almost ended with Roan losing a hand, I have to know what happened,” Lexa said. And so the night went on, story after story was told about crazy incidents or funny saves and Lexa felt herself getting to know them better by the minute. 

And the best of all, she didn’t have to talk at all.

When the shift ended in the morning she waved at the others and got in her car and went to go pick up Parker. In the midst of buying a house, moving and changing jobs Lexa had to admit that she’d been neglecting her camera a little too much. Which is exactly why she and Parker had a photo date scheduled for the day. 

It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining and there was an actual breeze in the air, making the heat a little more bearable. She’d packed them lunch, treats and water to last them a couple of hours and had Parker’s orange vest with her just in case there was some jerk out there with a rifle. When Lexa rolled down Parker’s window he looked over at her with pure joy in his eyes and Lexa had to hold back a laugh.

“I know buddy, this is going to be a fun day.”

The drive to the Tallulah Gorge was a little over an hour, which wasn’t bad at all, and when they got there Lexa had to stop and just breathe for a second. The air was so rich, she could smell the stream, the trees and even the earth. This was one major plus when you worked twelve hour shifts, you usually had time to go out and hike, travel someplace else or just go on an adventure. Anya and Lincoln had a much harder time with that considering they had a job with more normal hours.

Lexa and Parker had a routine going since a few years back. Lexa would only keep the leash on Parker if it was mandatory or if there were a lot of people around, and Parker knew that he had to stay within eyesight of Lexa. Otherwise he’d go back on the leash. In the beginning he’d made Lexa laugh a lot, he gave her the stink eye whenever she would connect the leash with his collar, but Lexa just looked at him and said ‘ _ if you’d listen to me, you’d be free _ ’. 

So now Parker trotted on a couple of yards ahead of her and Lexa followed, seeing through the lense of her camera. 

Lexa had a motto whenever she had her camera out, ‘ _ You can never take too many photos. It’s the ones that you don’t take that you’ll end up regretting not being taken. _ ’ Which is why she always took a lot of photos. Sometimes, a lot of the time, even four photos of the same thing. Even though she’d been a photographer for years now she wasn’t the type that knew exactly what she was after. She knew when she looked at them, when she could compare them and see which one of them spoke to her the most.

Some people looked at her funny when she tried to explain how she did what she did, she had stopped doing that. Some people got it, others didn’t. She didn’t mind the ones that asked at all, but she got a little annoyed by those who asked a question and then judged her answer. It’s not her fault that they disliked her methods.

They rounded a bend on the trail and Lexa got a chance to glimpse the majestic view that the trees were currently hiding and she was at a loss of words. It was beautiful. Breathtaking even. She snapped a few shots of a low hanging evergreen branch with a blurred glimpse of the view in the background, and a couple of the charming railing. She caught a blue jay soaring through the sky and captured a couple of butterflies sunbathing on a leaf together. 

Having been at the house for the past week covered in dust and grime, hauling debris and rubbish out of the house made her appreciate the stillness of nature more than usual. Her step was lighter and she even smiled and said hello at a couple of strangers on the way. As if nature had cured all of her troubles and worries.

When she and Parker reached the bridge she had to put him on the leash again. She was all for having him go loose, but she did not want to go jumping in after him into the river.

“You and me bud,” she said and stopped by the railing to stop and admire the river. Up ahead they could see the cliffs meeting together, creating a waterfall that fell soundly into the river. The luck was with her today, she even managed to catch a bald eagle flying close to the river's surface diving for prey. By the looks of it, it caught something. Lexa sighed and smiled.

“Maybe I’ll just move into a cabin in the wilderness,” she said to Parker. “Close enough to a town but far away enough that people won’t come by. That way I could go into town maybe once a month, get some supplies and live off of fish we’d catch. That’d be something, right Parker?” 

Sighing out of content, she started to follow the track again. 

She had to stop a mile in to take a few shots from different angles of a really cute old cabin, which she suspected had stood there close to a century by the looks of it. It was built with thick logs, ones that usually ski cabins up in the north were built of and there was a cute porch leading up to what once had been the main entrance which overlooked the river if you looked closely through the trees. A chimney rose from the rook, one of those really old ones made out of flat rocks and clay. She doubted that the cabin was still in use, but one of the keepers of this park must tend to it. The roof hadn’t caved in yet, which was a true accomplishment.

After the cabin she had Parker stopped for lunch before continuing around the track that would eventually lead them back to her car. 

Nature had always helped Lexa focus. Either if it was just walking down the street and hearing the birds chirp, or if she was deep in the woods. Nature held all of the answers. Every time she felt as if she was lost, all she had to do was step inside herself and just breathe, letting the air in her lungs work its way throughout her body and clear her mind.

Walking down the path to the car she felt herself being able to think more clearly than she’d been able to in weeks. Maybe it was because of being out here, surrounded by the forest. Maybe it was because she was alone. Whatever the cause, she felt her head getting clearer and clearer.

This week has been hard. Being back in Polis and being surrounded by the faces that had endured the same horribleness, walking around on the streets she swore she’d never walk again and looking out on the forest that held so many demons, it had brought back some unresolved trauma that admittedly she thought she’d worked through. But facing it all, every day, it hadn’t all been bad.

She now had more proof than ever of the fact that she could move forward.

She knew that she’d never be able to move  _ on _ , but maybe  _ forward _ was a reasonable goal. After all, what Bellamy had said was true.  _ We’re not our fathers.  _ Even though she carried his blood in her veins, she also carried her mothers. She carried Gustus blood.

Someone once told her that these feelings weren’t uncommon in survivors from an experience of trauma. She’d then looked at them as if they were stupid. Because it wasn’t her he’d kept locked up down there, and she certainly wasn’t dead. That someone had just smiled and shaken their head. They’d explained that they hadn’t meant that she had been one of his direct victims. They explained that by finding Costia in that shed and bringing her to safety, that shed also would forever live inside of her mind, just like it would in Costia’s. Lexa looked away when this came out of their mouth. But they kept going.

They’d explained that while she hadn’t been an intentional victim, she was still a victim. A survivor. And what she was experiencing was what they called survivor's guilt.

Well, she’d be damned if she lived the rest of her life trapped inside of that shed. She wanted out.

She wanted to be able to live her own life by her own terms. She wanted to be able to go for a run in the woods without being reminded of that night. She wanted to be able to take the girl she liked on a date without seeing his victims' faces around her. She wanted to sleep without seeing his face. She wanted to be free of his claim of her, even though a part of him would always be a part of her.

_ You’re not the only one he’s a part of _ .

Lexa jolted at the thought. That was true. Lexa wasn’t the only child he’d had, but she didn’t go around thinking that they were him either. So if he was a part of them but still could be completely free of him, why shouldn’t she?

She walked on absentmindedly, following the path and let Parker stroll a few yards ahead of her. When she reached the car, she’d come to a decision.

She would stop letting the ghost of her father dictate the way she lived her life.

She only had one life, and he’d taken enough time away from her as it was. There were hours upon hours she’d spent in therapy. Sleepless nights caused by nightmares. Friends that were lost due to his doings. 

She’d be damned if she’d let him be the cause of her missing out on love too.

No, enough was enough. She could feel it in her mind, she could feel decades worth of being trapped in that shed slowly loosening its grip on her. 

This was her life. He’d taken enough from her. 

She wasn’t going to let him take an ounce more.

She got in her car and turned the key so that the engine roared to life. It was time to stop running, to stop being afraid. It was time to start  _ living _ her life, not just  _ surviving _ it.

And she would start this new life by doing what she’d been too afraid to do.

Lexa typed in the hospital’s address into her phone and felt a new kind of emotion settle in her soul.

Hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that there wasn't any clexa content in this one, but I promise you, the next one is packed with it!
> 
> And again, can't thank you enough for your kind comments, even though I don't reply to everyone's I do see them and feel the love! I tend to just feel a bit awkward replying with a 'thanks' since you can't really see the huge smile on my face, I don't want to seem, like, 'oh thanks' and, like, brushing it off or something (and now I'm rambling, gee I wonder where Lexa got that from...)
> 
> Anyways... Thank you, take care!!


	11. Stars and Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, here we have it guys, the first look into Clarke's POV!
> 
> Is it just me, or does it feel like January will never end? Like we're on the 72nd of January and still have about 43 more days to go? Yeah, I need summer.
> 
> Anyways, enjoy the chapter! XO - fantasycloud

Clarke was tired.

She was nearing her twenty four hour mark at the hospital and she was just now done dressing the burn victim’s skin that Fox and Emori had brought in this morning. The news had spread fast, that old factory had stood there for over a year now, unused and unsafe. She knew that the town had tried to get dealt with, but the ones that were supposed to care had taken too long, and now a man might not make it through the day.

She still had ways to go before she was done, right now she had twenty four hours left of her forty eight hour on call shift. 

She pushed a strain of hair that had escaped her braid back behind her ear and sighed. It had been a long couple of hours. She’d started it with taking care of a three year old boy who’d accidentally gotten into his grandpa’s bedside table drawer and found his blood pressure medicine. His mom had found him ten minutes after the incident and figured out what he’d done after he’d started vomiting and pills could be found in the vomit. She’d called 911 immediately and when they came in Clarke, after doing an exam on the boy, had to spend ten minutes with the hysteric mother trying to reassure her that her boy was going to be just fine.

Right after she’d stopped crying and they’d taken an EKG on the boy Clarke was called to another patient, a girl with severe asthma. And after her, an elderly woman that had fainted and gotten an ugly gash across her forehead.

The ER was always in constant motion and Clarke usually loved it, letting herself be swept away by its rhythm. But when she was called to be on standby for a burn victim from that structure fire that was four minutes out she deeply wished that she would be somewhere else. 

Literally  _ anywhere  _ else.

But she’d stayed and taken care of him. Fox and Emori had had to intubate him in the ambulance on the ride over due to smoke inhalation and when they wheeled the gourney into the ER Clarke could see burns all over the man’s torso and legs. She’d had to push her own personal feelings aside so that her attention could be one hundred percent on the man in front of her. Even though her dad’s death had been close to ten years ago she still had a hard time dealing with those with similar injuries. She still saw  _ him  _ in them. 

Only he didn’t make it.

She shrugged those thoughts out of her head, sat down and picked up the instruments handed to her by her attending that was needed to cut away the dead skin and flesh. She’d carefully applied the necessary care to the injured man while following his instructions and when he later nodded at the work she was doing he left her to tend to the man herself. While Dr. Thorne went and notified UNOS about finding a match for the burn victim so that they could perform skin grafts, Clarke focused solely on the cutting, trying to push the fact that her dad had probably had this exact procedure done on him, right before he passed away a few hours later, succumbing to his injuries.

Now, nearly fifteen hours later she was more than ready to just go and find a bunk and lay down in it and stay there until she could go home.

But first, charts. Since she’d spent the majority of her shift tending to the burn victim she’d had little to no time to tend to her other duties. So after she’d rubbed the tiredness out of her eyes, she started with the little boy’s chart. She made a note to herself to go up to the pediatric floor and check on him, if all went well he’d be going home the following day.

The clock was nearing eleven in the morning when she heard a knock on the door. She looked up with bleary eyes from the man’s chart and saw her mom through the glass door, waving at her and holding two coffee cups.

“Hey you,” Abby said and closed the door after her. “I heard about your John Doe and came to see how you were doing.” She knew that Clarke had a hard time dealing with burn victims, so she just sighed.

“I’m tired. Was up all night trying to patch together what was left of him.” She put her head in her hands. “Did what I could. I’m alright,” she said when she felt a hand on her shoulder. “Really, this one wasn’t as bad as the other ones,” she said and emerged from her hands. She hated seeing her mom worried about her. She’d tried to hide her difficulty working on burn victims, but since Dr. Thorne and her mom worked closely together, she found out about it eventually. 

“Alright,” she said and sat down on the chair next to her. “Well, I’ve also got some news for you. The boy that you saw yesterday is recovering well,” she said with a smile. “He’s a real charmer, that one. Almost everyone has paid him a visit,” she said with a chuckle.

Her mom was a pediatric doctor, and sometimes, like these cases, Clarke was the one who sent the kids her way. At first it had felt like this pressure weighing her down, thinking that her mom would double check her every move so that had caused Clarke to triple check every step she took before she took them. When she looked back on those times she really could only thank her mom, it had made her a better doctor.

“That’s great,” Clarke said with a chuckle. “That little charmer almost rolled off my bed when a nurse tried to get a clear EKG from him, so I’m glad that he’s feeling better.”

Abby laughed at that. “Aren't kids amazing?”

“Mom,” Clarke said with a warning tone.

“Oh shush, I’m not talking about you. Only it wouldn’t be crazy of me to wish for a grandchild of my own. I’m not getting any younger.” Clarke just glared at her. “Fine, I give up. I was just talking about his ability to adapt. This morning he didn’t know where he was, probably scared and thinking what was going on, and now barely a day later he’s happy where he’s at.”

“If only everyone could have the ability to do that,” Clarke said with a chuckle. “Would make a lot of the world’s problems go away.”

“Well,” Abby said after a while. “I didn’t mean to keep you. And honey, you should get some sleep. You look exhausted.”

“In a bit. I just have to finish his chart up and since this hospital doesn’t have digital ones yet, it’s taking me a while,” she muttered.

Abby just rolled her eyes at that comment. Ever since Clarke had come back from college, choosing to do the last bit of her residency here instead of one of the hospitals in New York, Clarke had been complaining about their ancient ways of doing things.

She didn’t care that she probably sounded like a child wishing for a pony at Christmas, she stood by her opinion that digitalizing the charting system would save them all a lot of time.

She was just done with the charts and turned towards the cot in the corner when her pager went off.  _ Dammit. _

She rushed down to the ER and was met by a kid who sat up in a bed with presumably his mother sitting on a chair next to it, his cheeks stained with tears with an expression that Clarke couldn’t mistake for anything other than pain.

“Hi there,” Clarke said and crouched down so that she was eye level with the boy. “My name is Clarke, what’s yours?”

“Aden,” the boy said and looked her way. Clarke frowned. In his eyes she could see something else, other than the pain. Fear.

“Alright, Aden,” Clarke said slowly. “How old are you?”

“I’m five,” he said with a trembling voice that made warning bells go off inside of Clarke’s head.

“Can you tell me what happened?” She asked. His eyes widened and stammered out that he’d accidentally fallen down the stairs, that he’d slipped on a car he hadn’t picked up. When Clarke opened her mouth to ask a follow up, as she did with any patient, his mother stood up and Clarke could sense nothing but hostility from her.

“Aren’t you a real doctor or what?” The mother said accusingly and pointed a finger at her. “You just focus on fixing him up, stop with the questions. He’s in pain!”

Clarke looked at her and nodded slowly. “Alright. Aden, you’re coming with me bud. We have to get some pictures of that arm.”

“Is that going to be expensive?” The mother who Clarke came to dislike more and more.

“It’s necessary,” Clarke said in a steely voice. “If you want to deny your son proper care, you have to come with me so that we can fill out some paperwork.” The mother stayed put. “Alright then,” Clarke said and smiled at Aden. “Let’s go.”

She wheeled his bed down the hallway, made a few turns and stopped once they’d reached radiology. She noted how the boy visibly relaxed once they were out of the room and inside of Clarke’s mind she was already calling the police to come and arrest that woman. She looked around the hallway before turning towards Aden. 

“You’re really brave, you know that?” Aden shrugged. “Can I ask you something?” He nodded and looked up at her.  _ He’s just a kid,  _ Clarke thought, but pushed through it. “Did you really fall down the stairs?”

And there was that fear again. He opened his mouth, and closed it again. 

“It’s just me and you here buddy,” Clarke said and sat down at the edge of his bed. “You can tell me anything.”

She could tell the wheels in his mind were turning.  _ God,  _ she thought to herself.  _ That woman really did a number on him.  _ But just when Clarke thought he might actually tell her something, a door slammed and two voices could be heard down the hall and any hopes Clarke had of finding out what really happened were squashed. Not because Clarke wasn’t against talking with Aden about this when others were around, but because Aden paled visibly and turned away his eyes.

So Clarke just sighed and stood up. “Alright.” And then she wheeled him into the room so that he could get his arm x-rayed.

They didn’t spend long in that room. Thirty minutes, maybe. Aden had gotten a hairline fracture along his ulna and needed a cast. Aden seemed to perk up a little when Clarke showed him all of the different colors that he could choose from and smiled when he finally decided on the red one. 

“Good choice,” she said. “Is red your favorite color?”

“And green!” He said and Clarke chuckled.

“Red and green, huh?”

“What’s yours?”

“I like blue,” she said with a smile. “But I think that red is pretty awesome.”

“Yeah?” Aden said and Clarke nodded.

“Oh yeah, red is my second favorite color. There we go,” she said and smiled. “Now you’re all patched up!” She reached into her pocket and pulled out two different lollipops and held them in front of him. “One more important question, which one?”

“The red one!” He said and his eyes shone of pure happiness. Clarke had to laugh, it was almost comical. She laughed and handed him the red and yellow lollipop, putting the purple one back in her coat. 

“Alright, let’s get you back then.”

Clarke rolled him slowly back to where his mother was staying and when she hugged him goodbye, she could feel it in her bones that something wasn’t right. The smile tar he had worn during the procedures had faded and was now replaced by something else entirely. His mother stood only a foot away so she couldn’t say anything. She could only squeeze him back and make him a silent promise of checking up on him after they’d gone.

After all, looking into his chart and searching for previous injuries shouldn’t be hard. If this had happened multiple times she could have the mother reported, and Aden could be free.

“Come back anytime, okay?” She could feel him nodding.

“Thanks Dr Clarke,” he said in a small voice, and Clarke’s heart nearly broke in two. She swore, the minute they were out of here and she had access to a computer, she would look into his file. And while she really wanted to help him, she wasn’t entirely sure if she should hope to find something, or if she should hope to find nothing.

Because was she really hoping for him to be abused?

She shook those thoughts out of her head.  _ Of course _ she wasn’t hoping for that. If she was honest with herself she was so tired right now that she wasn’t sure what she was hoping for, only that he was okay.

She sighed when they disappeared out of sight. While this job was all that she could ever dream of, it took a lot of her with it. She was afraid of when she was done, she wouldn’t have anything of her left for herself.

She looked over at the clock over the nurses station. 3:07 pm. She really should go and get some sleep. Even if it was only a Tuesday night, nights in general could bring in a lot of patients who’d had stupid accidents. But as she was turning, she heard a bark outside of the doors. And if she was not mistaken, she’d heard that bark before, and before she knew it her legs carried her to the doors.

Even though she hadn’t slept in over thirty hours and easily could drop dead on her feet right then and there, she could feel herself smiling like stupid when she was met by the sight of Lexa.

When she a week ago accidentally had run into her which caused Lexa to fall, Clarke hadn’t first seen who she had ran into and had first been seriously pissed. But when she’d looked up from that chart and into those piercing green eyes of hers, Clarke was as if transfixed. When she spoke… It was as if she’d been transported to another time and place. 

Clarke had never been so immediately taken with someone before ever in her life. Before Lexa she had scoffed at people who talked about ‘love at first sight’, but after those mere seconds she wasn’t so sure anymore.

Was there such a thing as love at first sight?

Lexa stood by her car holding a single red rose and bore a hopeful yet a hesitant expression, and in that moment Clarke couldn’t help but believe that yes, yes love at first sight did exist.

When Clarke stepped into Lexa’s view the change in her was instant. Clarke could see the hesitancy in her fade, and determination taking its place. Clarke walked up and suddenly felt more awake than she’d done a minute ago.

“Hi,” Lexa said with her husky tone and Clarke instantly felt a calm wash over her. As if Lexa’s voice was guiding her home after years spent searching.

“Hi.” She cursed her own for sounding like she’d just run up a couple of stairs, but that was what seeing Lexa did to her. It was the same at the market, and at the barbeque. She just made Clarke feel like she was floating on clouds.

“I was thinking,” Lexa said and took a step forward, which meant taking a step into Clarke’s bubble. Clarke didn’t mind at all. 

“About?” Clarke said when Lexa paused.

“Right,” she said and looked down at the rose. She could see her jaw working, and Clarke almost felt the need to encourage her. She had absolutely nothing to be afraid of. Clarke would say yes, without a single doubt in her mind. She suspected that the answer would always be yes, if it was Lexa asking the question. 

A pretty scary thought, but she’d worry about that later.

“I have been trying to find a reason all week,” she started and looked up into her eyes. “Of something, anything really, that would stop me from asking you out. Because I have baggage, a lot of it, and some of it is really ugly. But every time I try to come up with a reason not to do it, something else inside of me starts to protest,” she says with a soft smile. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m tired of trying to look for reasons of why I shouldn’t just ask you out. Chances are that you’re not even interested and then I’m just making a fool out of myse-”

“I am interested!” Clarke says in a haste, cutting Lexa off before she gets any further. She can see when her words register, and that soft smile starts to grow, Clarke takes a step closer. “Ask me.”

“As you wish,” Lexa says with a voice filled with so much warmth and emotion that it goes straight into her soul. She holds out the rose for Clarke to take and draws a breath. “Clarke Griffin, will you go out on a date with me?”

“Yes,” Clarke said and took the rose with a grin that stretched from ear to ear. “Definitely yes.”

//

When Lexa rolled up to the house some time later, she still felt as if she was walking on water. 

_ She had asked Clarke out, and she had said yes? She’d said yes! _

Lexa hadn’t been able to shake the smile since those words had registered in her mind, but she didn’t mind it. It was a nice change, smiling like stupid instead of the constant frown that usually took up residence on her forehead. She assumed that this is something that normal people would feel on a more regular basis and she had to admit, after feeling like this for even just a few minutes, she’d be chasing this feeling her whole life. It was incredible.

There was a lightness to her step, she seemed to notice the sunlight more and all of those bad thoughts she’d carried for such a long time was pushed to the back of her head.

For the first time in a long while, Lexa felt like she was finally starting to come back to herself.

Now, on to a more difficult question, now that Clarke had agreed to go out with her, where were they going to go? Lexa felt her mind come up blank. 

She was the worst at coming up with romantic gestures. The rose she had picked up on a whim while going over to the hospital, she’d gotten that idea from when Luna had asked Costia out. Lexa’s head snapped up. Costia.  _ Of course. _

She’d picked up the phone and dialed her number before she’d reached the porch.

“ _ Hello? _ ”

“Cos, hey,” Lexa said and walked in through the main door after unlocking it.

“ _ I’m not sure I know who this is, because this can’t be Lexa. _ ”

“Uhm,” Lexa said after a second. “Why can’t this be me?”

“ _ Because the Lexa I know and love would have called me the  _ second  _ after she’d met the love of her life, not a  _ week  _ later. _ ”

“I take it you’ve been talking to Lincoln,” Lexa said with a sigh and mentally banged her head against a wall. 

“ _ Damn right I have. What am I, yesterday’s news? _ ”

“Hey, I called you the day before moving down here, hell, you were the first person I told! That counts for something, right?”

A pause, then, “ _ Fine. Now you have to make it up to me. I want to know everything about this Clarke Griffin that has managed to sneak her way into your heart. Since that is something that no other person has managed to do before.” _

Having known Costia for almost all her life, Lexa could see her as if she was standing in front of her. And right now, she wore the biggest smirk, standing with her arms crossed over her chest and with the line ‘ _ I told you so _ ’ just waiting on the tip of her tongue. Lexa cursed herself, vaguely remembering her calling Costia in frustration about love at first sight being a hoax when she at twenty five still hadn’t found ‘ _ the one _ ’.

“Well,” Lexa said and sat down back out on the porch. “First of all, I don’t know if she is the love of my life yet-”

“ _ Sure she isn’t, _ ” she heard Costia grumble.

“Our meeting wasn’t all that spectacular or epic or romantic or whatever the hell you use to describe your and Luna’s first encounter,” she said without acknowledging her comment. “I actually ran into her and proceeded with falling flat on my ass.”

“ _ You did not! _ ” She heard an exasperated sigh on the other end. “ _ Well, this can’t get any worse. What happened next? _ ”

“I looked up, and there she was,” Lexa said with a smile and looked out over the view of the mountains. “At first I thought it was an angel,” she murmured. “She’s just so… I can’t even describe it. She’s amazing.”

“ _ Alright, stop, back it up Romeo. What does she look like? I wanna be able to get the picture right. _ ”

“She has blonde hair that falls in soft waves to a little below her collarbones, and blue eyes as rich as the ocean. She’s got this softness about her that I can’t-”

“ _ Blonde and blue eyes, that’s enough for now.” _

“Right,” Lexa said with a laugh and paused. “I asked her out today.”

“ _ You did? Oh Lexa, I’m so- Wait, she said yes, right? _ ”

Lexa let a soft laugh escape her lips. “Yeah, she did.” 

“ _ Okay, this is good. What did you say more specifically? _ ”

“Why do you want to know that?” Lexa said, not sure if she wanted to recount her ramble. Costia was big on romantic gestures, she wasn’t sure if she was ready for her mockery.

“ _ Because Lex, _ ” she said with a voice meant to clarify things for kids under the age of five. Lexa let out a sigh of annoyment. “ _ We both know who the master of romance is between us. Me. I need to know what I’m working with here. _ ”

“You do?”

“ _ Yes, now spit it out. It can’t be worse than what I’m already imagining. _ ”

“Fine. I said something along the lines of that I was tired of trying to find reasons  _ not  _ to ask her out and then proceeded with asking her out. Oh, and I brought a rose for her, so I have to get a point for that, at least,” she said and hated how the words just tumbled out of her mouth in a hurry. She sighed again. “I might have started to ramble a little there in between the reasons and the asking.”

“ _ Hah, I knew it. But I have to say, if it’s anything like what I’m picturing, it went much better than what I’d feared. _ ”

“Exactly how little do you think of me?” Lexa said, throwing in a bit of hurt in her voice on purpose. Costia just laughed softly into the phone.

“ _ It’s not about how little I think of you dummy, it’s because I know you. You ramble when you get nervous, you trip over your own two feet whenever you’re in the vicinity of someone you’ve set your eyes on and you usually end up a stuttering mess three words into a conversation with that said someone. And those few lucky people who have had the honour of experiencing that are just that; few. But I’m here to tell you, that part will pass. And besides, I myself think that that part of you is one of your more endearing sides. Maybe Clarke thinks so too. _ ”

“You think so?” Lexa said, trying not to think about all of those things said before that last comment. Costia might know all of her more embarrassing qualities, but that was not what she wanted to be reminded of right before her date with Clarke.

“ _ Yes I do. What was her response? _ ”

“Yes,” Lexa mumbled and felt that smile grow bigger. “She said ‘definitely yes’.”

“ _ I like her already, _ ” Costia said. “ _ Now, where are you going to be taking her? It better be good, please don’t blow this. _ ”

“That’s actually why I called you, because, ah, see, I, hm, well-”

“ _ Oh my God, Lexa, _ ” Costia laughed into the phone. “ _ See? Rambling already. You know I won’t bite, I might just laugh a little. C’mon, spit it out. _ ”

“I need your help,” Lexa said and yet again the words just tumbled out of her mouth. She cursed how desperate she sounded. Costia would tease her for years to come. 

“ _ Ah ha! Finally, the moment has come! My God, have I been waiting for this! I have just the right- What? No, honey, I’m talking to auntie Lexie- No, you can’t have a treat now- Honey, I said no. What did mama say? Fine, yes you can take some of those. Honey, why don’t you go and ask mama- Yes, you can go and watch a show, go on. Sorry, _ ” she heard Costia say after Lexa got to listen in on what probably was her youngest trying to bend the rules of having a treat before dinner. “ _ Sorry, Ofelia has officially entered the threenager stage. They miss you, by the way. Alexander especially. _ ”

After Costia and Luna got married they both decided that while living in New York had been fun, it wasn’t the right place for them to start a family. So they made the decision of moving up to Newton, a suburb to Boston. Lexa loved their place, it was an idyllic two story house made out of red bricks, the door was bright red with windows on either side, making the incredible staircase noticeable from the outside. The house had been built about a hundred years ago, so it held a lot of that ‘american’ charm. But best of all had to be the yard, one big maple stood tall and proud in one corner in which they had installed one of those swings from a low hanging branch and if you went around back they had a small garden filled with vegetables.

About three years after their wedding Costia had called Lexa in hysterics saying that their son was born. When she proceeded with telling her that they were going to be naming him Alexander in honour of her, Lexa had burst into tears. Ever since Alexander’s birth which was now six years ago she’d gone up to visit at least once every few months, and she made a mental note of trying to figure out when her next visit would happen.

Every time she got there she always marvelled at how fast they were growing. Alexander was going to start kindergarten this fall and she almost teared up just thinking about it. 

“I’ll come and visit soon,” she said. “And when the house is done, you guys are always more than welcome to come down here if you ever feel like you need a vacation down to the south.”

“ _ Yeah, _ ” she heard Costia say with just a hint of uncertainty and Lexa immediately backpedaled.

“Or not, sorry. I’m so sorry Cos, I didn’t mean, I didn’t think-”

“ _ Hey, stop that. I’m fine. It’s behind us, alright? _ ”

“Right,” Lexa said but still felt the lump in her throat. “Still, Cos, I want you to know that I’m only here because Lincoln is.”

“ _ Gee, and here I thought you were moving back because of all the fond memories you have of that town. Really Lex, what did you think I was thinking? _ ”

“Sorry,” Lexa muttered. “Still, it feels like some kind of betrayal to our friendship.”

“ _ No, now stop. Alright, we’re getting off point here, _ ” she said with a huff. “ _ You need my help so that you can wow Clarke with a mind blowing first date, yeah? _ ”

“I don’t know about mind blowing,” Lexa said and felt uncertainty settle in her stomach. “Just some ideas or tips so that I won’t just be repeating countless other first dates that she’s been on. I want it to be special,” she said softly.

“ _ Tell you what. What did you use to love doing when you lived there? _ ”

“Well, he and I,” she said and felt her throat close up. “We used to stargaze. That was one of the few things he did with us where he wasn’t… What he usually was,” she finished and had to stop because those memories she hadn’t thought of in years. But now that she did think of them, she remembered cloudless nights, sitting in the back of her fathers truck and listening to him as he taught her the constellations of the starry night sky. “But I don’t know if I want to do that with Clarke,” she said and cursed Costia for knowing her so well.

She heard her sigh softly. “ _ Alexandria, of course you don’t have to take her there. But I need you to understand this. Even though your dad did terrible things to a lot of people, you’re still allowed to remember the times where he was still your father.”  _ Lexa nodded and felt a tear trickle down her cheek. “ _ I know that for most of the time it’s hard for you, but the memory of him from before, it doesn’t make you a bad person. If you want to take Clarke stargazing, do it. If you don’t want to take her stargazing, then don’t. Just do something that feels right. _ ”

Lexa fell silent for a moment. Talking with Costia usually ended up like this. They had a rich history of solving some extremely disturbing trauma, and often doing it better than their different therapists. And as always, Costia was right.

“Thank you,” she said softly into the phone. “It’s just hard. I still see him in my _ nightmares _ , remembering him in any semi happy memory will always be much harder than it ever will be for either Anya or Lincoln. One second he’s sitting next to me on that truck, teaching me about the stars, and the other moment in my mind I see him standing there in those woods.” She had to stop. She couldn’t get the words out, not to Costia. She couldn’t tell her about all of their faces.

She knew Costia wouldn’t mind, but she loved her too much for her to also bear that burden. It was enough that Lexa saw them.

“ _ I know, _ ” she said. “ _ What constellation was the first one you learned? _ ”

“The Big Dipper, easy,” she said with a sad chuckle. “It’s easy enough. Then the others, Cassiopeia, Oroin, Andromeda, you know. I remember being stunned by the fact that there also was a Small Dipper. I kept asking him, ‘ _ daddy, why are there two exact same constellations when they’re millions of miles away from each other? _ ’. He never answered that one,” she said more to herself than to Costia.

“ _ The choice is yours Lexa, but I think that you should take her there. _ ”

“What?” Lexa said in a panicked voice. “But-”

“ _ I’m not saying you have to, _ ” she interrupted Lexa. “ _ But when you talk about it, you just light up, I can tell. I think that it would be good for you. After all, you live there now. You should start to make peace with your memories. And don’t tell me you’re not avoiding certain places, I know you. Taking the girl you like to a place you used to love, isn’t that a great way to turn it around again? _ ”

Lexa felt another tear making its way down her cheek. “Maybe?” She said with a quivering voice.

“ _ Ah God. I hate that we’re hours apart. Visualize me hugging you right now. Are you doing that? _ ”

“Yes,” she said with a chuckle. “It’s very comforting.”

“ _ Good. Now take a deep breath. You’re much better at this part than I am- _ ”

“You’re fine,” Lexa said and wiped at her eyes. “You did make a good point. I’ll think about it.”

“ _ You will? _ ”

“Promise. And for the record, I also hate that we’re hours apart.”

She heard Costia sigh over the phone. “ _ I’m always with you. _ ”

“Back at you.”

“ _ I’ll always have your back, no matter what. What? No, babe, I’m talking to Lexa, _ ” she said with a bark of laughter. “ _ Hey Lex, Luna wants to say hello, you’re on speaker! _ ”

“Hey Luna!” Lexa said with a chuckle and sat up more straight. Costia was about the only person that Lexa ever broke down in front of, and that included Anya and Lincoln. She didn’t know why exactly, but she had a faint idea of it being an aftermath of them already seeing each other’s lowest points.

“ _ Hey you! Thought you were someone else for a hot second, trying to steal my wife. Anyways, kiddos miss you! We miss you! Please come back! _ ”

She laughed. “Planning a trip as we speak,” she said and spent the next hour talking with the two of them. When Costia told Lexa about Luna for the first time it was almost like getting a whole other view on life. When it was just the two of them, Costia and Lexa mostly talked about how much life had changed since meeting down in that cold room and how they were supposed to keep living a normal life. But when she met Luna, the conversation began to change. 

Suddenly, one of the topics was about love and hope and about the future.

She’d always admired her for that, for being able to look ahead instead of only seeing the trauma. It took a while for Lexa to get there, both because she was so young but also for the more close relationship she’d had with her father than Costia had ever had. For her, he was just the face of a strange man who’s done terrible things to her, but for Lexa he was both that man but also the man that had taught her all the names of the stars, taught her how to fish and comforted her when she’d been sad.

But seeing Costia moving forward and starting a life with Luna it made Lexa hope that she also one day could follow her example and learn to live with her demons instead of just running away from them. 

And she finally felt like that time had arrived for her. It was certainly within reach.

“One more thing,” she said when Luna went to play outside with Ofelia.

“ _ Go for it. _ ”

“If you were me and it was your dad who’d done all of those terrible things,” she said and closed her eyes. “Do you think Luna would be upset with you if you didn’t tell her from the start?”

“ _ What? _ ”

“Should I tell Clarke about my past before I take her out? Maybe she’ll hate me if I don’t tell her beforehand. She should know who she’s going to be alone with.”

“ _ Oh Lexa. I can’t tell you what I would have done, because this has to be your decision. But put yourself in her shoes. Would you want Clarke to tell you that, I don’t know, her father had once massacred an entire town? _ ”

“I don’t know if I would have viewed her any differently, but that’s more because of what I’ve lived through. But she hasn’t, and this town is riddled with scars from that time. Maybe she wouldn’t want to be associated with me, after finding out that I’m the daughter of the man who caused all of them.”

“ _ You’ll only know that by asking her. I’m sorry. _ ”

“No, don’t say your sorry. It’s okay, I’ll figure it out.”

“ _ I know you will. And for the record, Clarke would be an idiot if she changed her mind just because of your past. Anyone getting a chance to go out with you is the luckiest person in the world. _ ”

“Thanks Cos. You know I love you, right?”

“ _ I love you too, Lex. Always. _ ”

Lexa spent the rest of the evening cooped up on the bench outside in her garden, overlooking her beautiful view with a cup of coffee beside her and with her laptop buzzing in her lap with a lot of thoughts whirling around in her head. She tried to put those aside because now she’d have to do some actual work.

Since the construction workers were there until seven pm tonight she wanted to be out of the way so that they could get the job done, but she couldn’t go anywhere because she really needed to edit some of the photos she’d taken this week. She knew if she went anywhere there were people, she would instantly be surrounded. That was just the way that this town worked.

She was currently editing a photo she took of one of the worker’s hands, and she had to say that it was turning out great. The man had volunteered and she’d followed him around for a couple of hours, capturing multiple great shots. But there was just something else about the picture of his hands that made Lexa go back to it. She’d made it black and white, thinking of adding it to her black and white collection on the website. That category was always a success. The shot showed the man’s hands covered in dirt, and you could easily see the years of work that those hands had been through. The calluses, the lines, the hardness of it all. It was just captivating.

She’d already uploaded three shots she'd taken that day out in the Tallulah Gorge park and those were equally as captivating, but in a completely different way. Just the shot overlooking the busy stream of the river, with the majestic mountains on either side of it and the soaring bald eagle in the sky, it was as if she could hear the sounds, breathe in its air. Or the mysterious shot of the cabin. But her favorite shot was a shot of Parker. He’d stood by an opening of the tree’s, looking back at her with the gorge in the background. His fur was shining due to the sunlight and in his eyes she could almost see him saying ‘ _ Mom, this is pretty fantastic, right? _ ’.

When one of the guys came down telling her that they were packing up, Lexa had barely registered that the day had come to an end. She’d looked up in confusion thinking that it was still five o’clock, but seeing his amused smile, she’d just rolled her eyes at him. 

She went inside and opened her fridge to see what she’d have that would somewhat resemble a dinner, and sighed. Tomorrow she’d have to go grocery shopping, even though it was extremely boring to do that for just one person. But, what could you do? She pulled out two eggs, some cheese and a couple of cherry tomatoes out and got the package of pasta that she stored in one of the cupboards next to the stove. While she brought a pot filled with water over to the stove so that she could cook her pasta, she couldn’t help but fantasize about her kitchen.

She imagined standing by the sink, looking out of the windows and being surrounded by the magnificent view of the mountains and the lake below. She imagined sitting by the kitchen counter with a candle lit, eating a delicious meal while sharing a good conversation with someone. And how the dark hardwood floor would creek in some places, how it would sound when she cooked meat in one of her skillets. 

She imagined a couple of shelves next to the stove with fresh spices and herbs, specifically basil, rosemary, thyme and cilantro. She had decided with Bellamy from the start that she’d want more cupboards put in, seeing she had a quite impressive selection of kitchen utensils at her Uncle’s that she planned on shipping here as soon as possible. 

Just the thought of reuniting with her knives, sauté pans and her red Creuset pot almost brought happy tears to her eyes.

For now the cheap new pot and frying pan she’d invested in for the time being had to make due. In no time at all she’d whipped together some cheesy egg pasta topped with cherry tomatoes, and together with some salt and pepper it didn’t taste all that bad.

During all of the afternoon and through dinner, Lexa hadn’t been able to totally forget what Costia had said about the constellations.

It was true that Lexa once had loved looking up at the stars and marvel at the vastness of it. She loved just looking up and being surrounded by all of these constellations, these stories really that had been around for centuries about old gods and goddesses. It sort of brought her some sense of comfort, knowing that they were up there. And maybe taking Clarke there would be a step in the right direction. She wouldn’t have to be as nervous as she probably would be if she were going to take her out to dinner. 

But who were she kidding, she would be nervous either way. This was  _ Clarke _ .

And maybe that last thought was enough reason to do what she had been fearing to do ever since she’d laid eyes on her. If Clarke already mattered that much to her, it wouldn’t be right taking her anywhere where they would be completely alone with Clarke walking into it without all of the information. Even though Lexa was nothing like her father and would never become him in a million years, Clarke had to make that decision for herself.

When she went to sleep that night, after checking all of the doors that they were locked and closing her eyes with the knowledge of Parker’s presence just a few feet next to her, it was with a frown, fearing what tomorrow would bring.

The next day her mind was in a million different places, she was just lucky enough that she managed to feed herself and Parker without setting the house on fire. 

Waking up today she realized another annoying part, and that was that in all her excitement of asking Clarke out, and in her worry of what she might think of her past, she’d forgotten that she didn’t even have her phone number, making it impossible to reach her. 

She sighed.

So after breakfast and waving to the construction crew she hastily got in her car with Parker trailing after her and drove towards the town. She knew after texting with Octavia, which she suspected would travel like fire within the group, that Clarke had just left the hospital after being on call for forty eight hours and would probably be at Vie’s diner, as she always was before heading home to sleep. If Lexa was lucky, she would still be there in ten minutes.

Parking her car and tying Parker’s leash to a lamppost outside the diner she made her way inside and looked for a girl with golden hair. In all her focus and hurry she hadn’t had the time of becoming nervous, but when she zoned in on her, sitting alone by a two persons table in the corner, she suddenly felt her heart racing in her chest.

“Uhm, hi,” Lexa said shyly when she approached the table. “I know that you’re probably really tired, but would you mind if I joined you?”

“Lexa, hey! Yeah, sure, no problem.” Clarke’s reaction was almost comical and Lexa definitely would have laughed if she didn’t feel so ridiculous herself at the moment. Startled, she looked up, first with utter confusion, then she scrambled to stand.

“Oh please, sit down, I know that you’re tired. Here,” she said and sat down herself. “I’ll sit.”

“Okay,” Clarke said, now sounding as confused as she looked, but she sat down. The diner was almost half full, but she doubted that people would overhear, it wasn’t exactly quiet in here.

“So I don’t really know where to start. Actually, I’ve never done this before. Told anyone, that is, and I have to warn you, I’m not really good at this. Actually, I’m pretty terrible at this,” she said with a nervous chuckle. And hearing herself ranting, she sighed. “But you deserve the best.”

“You’ve lost me.”

“God I hope not,” she said with a soft voice. “Alright. I asked you out.”

“Yes, that much I know. Do you want to cancel?”

“God, no. Never,” Lexa said. “But you should know one thing about me before you decide if you still want to go. And I want you to know that I won’t be angry or upset if you decide that you don’t want to go, alright? You get to decide if you want to go or not.”

“Alright Lexa, I thought we’d already established that I did want to go out with you,” she said with a smile.

“And I really hope that that will still be the case. Okay, so, you know how I told you that I knew Abby from before?”

“Yeah, you said that mom treated you when you used to live here.”

“So that was sort of the truth. A version of it. The truth is that she treated a friend of mine. Her name is Costia.”

“Costia,” Clarke repeated, still confused. “Alright, I’m still not following.”

“God, I’m so bad at this,” Lexa said and looked down at the table and started to fiddle with the sleeve of her shirt. “So Costia, she wasn’t really a friend at first either. I met her when I was seven, or eight technically. Costia was twenty.”

“Twenty?” Clarke said and Lexa looked up, seeing that her eyebrows had jumped together. “So if she wasn’t your friend, how come you knew her through my mom, who you also didn’t know, but knew somehow?”

“I met Costia,” Lexa said and took a deep breath. “When I found her in the woods.”

After about a moment of utter silence, Clarke’s eyes suddenly cleared of all confusion, and Lexa could see that she now knew exactly what Lexa had been trying to say. For a moment Lexa could see how Clarke took in every inch of her, her eyes travelling from her hair, taking her eyes, her lips and her hands, as if trying to place her in a memory, or perhaps a photo. Remembering her, Lexa realized.

“You’re her,” she said breathlessly, her eyes wide open and locked on hers. “You’re the little girl who  _ saved _ her.  _ Alexandria. _ ”


	12. Anya?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, things are heating up! I hope you've all enjoyed these past few chapters where you've gotten to see some happiness in her life, but I'm sorry friends, it's time for the actual plot to begin :)
> 
> Hope y'all enjoy this! Until next time X

Clarke had just gotten off of her shift at the hospital and had two primary goals: coffee and a shower. She’d actually managed to get about five hours of sleep so she wasn’t really all that tired. After Lexa had come and _asked her out_ , she still felt a little buzzed about the fact, she hadn’t had that many other patients. She entered Vie’s and waved at Maya’s mom. While she brought over a cup of coffee Clarke dropped down at an empty table in the corner.

Her mind was too preoccupied to even notice her surroundings, let alone people approaching, so she didn’t notice the awkward adorable brunette coming her way until she spoke.

“Uhm, hi,” she heard a voice say. She looked up and was all but startled into standing. _Lexa_ was standing in front of her, with an awkward smile and an unsure stance, but Clarke, at the moment, was too bewildered to put much focus on that. 

How did the girl just _appear_ out of thin air all of the time?

“I know that you’re probably really tired, but would you mind if I joined you?” 

“Lexa, hey! Yeah, sure, no problem.” She was so caught off guard that she didn’t think too much about the fact that she was rambling. Lexa’s rambling was cute, hers was just annoying.

“Oh please, sit down, I know that you’re tired. Here,” Lexa said and proceeded with sitting down herself on the opposite chair. “I’ll sit.”

“Okay,” Clarke said, now very confused, but she imitated Lexa and sat down. 

“So I don’t really know where to start. Actually, I’ve never done this before. Told anyone, that is, and I have to warn you, I’m not really good at this. Actually, I’m pretty terrible at this. But you deserve the best.” 

Clarke felt herself getting worried. What was this about? What could have gotten Lexa this spooked? Every time that she’d met her, fine yes she’d always been a bit awkward and rambled some, but she’d never been this… Anxious, was maybe the way to describe her right now. She sat and fiddled with her sleeve, not looking directly into her eyes. And her shoulders were so tense, almost as if she was in ‘fight or flight’ mode.

“You’ve lost me,” she said, trying to reassure her that she could just talk to her. To just explain what this was all about.

“God I hope not,” she said with the softest voice, eyes now zoning in right on hers. “Alright. I asked you out.”

“Yes, that much I know. Do you want to cancel?” She felt her stomach bottom out at those words. 

“God, no. Never,” Lexa said and Clarke felt herself take a breath. “But you should know one thing about me before you decide if you still want to go. And I want you to know that I won’t be angry or upset if you decide that you don’t want to go, alright? You get to decide if you want to go or not.”

“Alright Lexa, I thought we’d already established that I did want to go out with you,” she said with an unsure smile, still trying to grasp what this was all about.

“And I really hope that that will still be the case. Okay, so, you know how I told you that I knew Abby from before?”

“Yeah, you said that mom treated you when you used to live here.”

“So that was sort of the truth. A version of it. The truth is that she treated a friend of mine. Her name is Costia.” 

_Costia?_ Is that like an ex girlfriend? Or maybe, she thought and felt herself freeze. Maybe Lexa was trying to tell her that she was actually _married_? Clarke didn’t care about all of the crazy scenarios that she was currently running her mind through, Lexa had seriously started to scare her. Was Costia someone that she was afraid of even?

“Costia,” Clarke repeated. “Alright, I’m still not following.”

“God, I’m so bad at this,” Lexa said and looked down at the table and started to fiddle with the sleeve of her shirt. Clarke just wanted to grab her hands and tell her that she didn’t have to be so anxious. She could tell her anything. “So Costia, she wasn’t really a friend at first either. I met her when I was seven, or eight technically. Costia was twenty.”

“Twenty?” Clarke said and frowned. But if Lexa was only eight, and Costia twenty, how on earth did they even meet? 

But then, taking in Lexa’s appearance, her eyes, her voice even, the picture started to come together. But she didn’t want it to be true. It couldn’t be true. _No_ , _she couldn’t be_ … “So if she wasn’t your friend, how come you knew her through my mom, who you also didn’t know, but knew somehow?”

“I met Costia. When I found her in the woods.”

So it was true. Of course she was her. She’d been so _stupid._ All of the signs were right there. Her age, her knowing her mom and the town. Her brother’s name was Lincoln for God’s sake, and hadn’t Harper mentioned something the other day, something worrying about Lexa, about her showing up near Harper’s house? _Not Harper’s house,_ Clarke corrected then. _Her old house._ Clarke remembered now. 

She took in the girl in front of her and suddenly, she was six years old. She was standing on the school yard, watching two girls play. One with dark brown hair, and one with a lighter shade of brown, slightly curly. She watched how they dribbled a ball between them, but she couldn’t tear her eyes away from the girl with the curly hair. Of her flying form, her grace and preciseness even for a seven year old.

And her piercing green eyes.

Clarke hadn’t known it then, but those eyes would come to haunt her in her dreams. Show up in countless paintings, in songs.

“You’re her,” she said breathlessly, finally accepting the fact that _Lexa_ was the girl that Clarke had spent years searching for. That she was the same girl that had stepped into her dreams more than once, who’d been a lingering whisper in the back of her mind all her life. 

And Lexa was the little girl from all those years ago who’d single handedly _rescued_ that woman from a _murderer._

From her _father_.

She had been right in front of her eyes for over a week, and Clarke had been so caught up with her emotions that she hadn’t had any time to connect the dots. But now the picture was clearer than ever.

“You’re the little girl who _saved_ her. _Alexandria._ ” 

Lexa was looking at her with pleading eyes, almost at the verge of what looked like desperation. Why on _God’s green earth_ would she look at her like _that?_ Clarke, slowly as if she was dealing with a scared animal, brought her hands forward. She could see that Lexa’s hands twitched at the sight of her motion, but she kept them on the table.

When their hands touched, Lexa’s whole body flinched.

“Lexa,” Clarke said with a tone she hoped would transcribe all of the things that she was feeling at the moment. She gave her hands a light squeeze, trying to ease some of the tensing of her arms. “Tell me what’s going through your mind.”

“What?” Lexa said in a voice that came out more like a gasp. 

“Tell me what’s going through your mind,” she said again.

“I uhm,” she said and paused. “I just told you that I’m-” she said, and stopped again. Clarke wished that she could just see inside of her head and know what she was thinking. This was torture. “Aren’t you upset with me?” She finally said in a defeated voice.

“Upset with you?” Clarke said and frowned. “ _Why-_ Lexa, why would I be _upset_ with you?”

She just started shaking her head back and forth, and Clarke could sense the other girl’s panic.

“Hey, hey,” she said and leaned over the table. Letting go of one of her hands and resting it on the side of Lexa’s face instead, Clarke gently forced the other girl to still. She waited until Lexa’s eyes reached hers. “I can’t imagine your pain,” Clarke started with and a voiceless whimper escaped Lexa’s lips. “I haven’t had to go through what you went through. Living with those images of what _he_ did…” Lexa closed her eyes and Clarke’s heart ached for her when she saw one single tear escape down her cheek. She had her thumb wipe it away before continuing.

“But Lexa, _you_ were never the reason why any of those bad things happened. You’re still the girl who took me by storm and swept me right off of my feet, who makes my heartbeat race and my mind work in overdrive, who would do anything for anyone. Hell, you’re the one who runs headfirst into burning buildings, just to save _strangers_ for goodness sakes. 

“Having those demons living inside of your head and still choosing to continue doing only good things in life… I think that’s pretty amazing. I think _you_ are amazing.”

Lexa let out a shuddering breath. “You do?”

Clarke smiled a soft smile. “Yeah, I do.”

Lexa closed her eyes again and brought one hand up and gripped Clarke’s wrist. She didn’t try to remove it, so Clarke didn’t try to take it away. But when Clarke felt two of Lexa’s fingers coming to rest upon her pulse point on her wrist, and seeing her lips move slightly, she understood what she was doing. 

She was counting her heartbeats. Clarke sighed.

“I wanted you to know,” Lexa said and opened her eyes, answering the question that had been next in line. “So that you could decide for yourself if you wanted this. I didn’t want to put you in a position that would make you uncomfortable, or afraid,” she said with a whisper. “You have to know, I’d never intentionally do anything to hurt you. Never.”

“And that is why you won’t ever be your father,” Clarke said softly. “I don’t care if I have to spend the rest of my life repeating that. And that is why my answer hasn’t changed.”

“The rest of your life?” Lexa croaked out, eyes filling with unshed tears.

Clarke smiled. “I suspect,” she said with a soft chuckle. “That the answer will always be yes, if you’re the one asking the question.”

//

Lexa ended up driving herself and Parker to the lake. After her conversation with Clarke she’d just felt the need to be alone. Except for Parker. She’d always want him around. She’d found a boulder and was currently sitting completely still, tightly hugging her knees to her chest.

Clarke hadn’t blown up, or looked at her with disgust, as she’d thought she would.

She’d said that she thought Lexa was amazing.

The twist had her head spinning. 

All her life Lexa had run from that reality of her life, of what she’d been through and who she was. Mainly because every time it had come up it had either been associated with her father’s crimes, her mother’s depression or a time when she wasn’t allowed to see her family. She’d been taught that that part of her life was something not to be spoken of, that it was something to put behind her and forget about. She’d associated that part of her life with being the cause of destroying her family, which eventually led to her mother’s suicide and her father ending up in prison.

But hearing Clarke’s thoughts of her, of how she saw her, it completely contradicted what she’d been taught. According to Clarke, she was _amazing_ . She just knew her as the little girl who _saved_ a woman.

In her eyes, Lexa was someone who was brave, selfless, and who _rambled_.

Lexa sighed. She knew that she would get nowhere with these thoughts. She would just keep running in circles. 

She watched how the sunlight bathed on top of the water, creating the most beautiful illusions on the surface. She chuckled when Parker tried to jump on a fish, one he’d seen through the surface of the water. He missed, of course, but his determination was admirable. He jumped again.

Watching him made her sink even deeper into her own world. What was her goal?

One word came to mind, one feeling, one that she hadn’t felt in a long time.

Happiness.

Up until this moment, Lexa had been so focused on the surviving part of life that she had neglected the other part which was living it. The people that she surrounded herself with seemed to be excelling in both. Take Lincoln for example. He was working with something that was both rewarding and gave him satisfaction, had met and married the love of his life and was on the way on becoming a dad. Even Anya seemed to thrive. Living in a city she adored, doing something that she’d had a passion for all her life.

While Lexa’s work brought her joy and Parker brought her love, she didn’t really have anything else in life which brought her true happiness. Lexa felt fear tighten around her heart. Was this how her mother had felt?

Lost and going through life without actually living it?

That wasn’t going to be her. _No,_ she thought and clenched her teeth together. She would fight for a better life than her mother had led. For one, she’d try to break free of the hold that her father kept over her. She suspected it would take months, years even, before she fully accomplished that.

But however far away that goal was, it was still a goal.

Meeting Clarke, she didn’t think that was a coincidence. Clarke had already unravelled a lot of which Lexa had made her life’s mission to suppress and ignore. If she’d managed to do that in the little time they’d known each other, could that lead to her eventually being able to unravel more knots that her father had caused?

Parker let out a happy bark as he continued to play in the water and Lexa felt a smile forming on her face. She grabbed her camera and took a picture of him, capturing his joy. If only she could let go of her thoughts and be as carefree as Parker was in this moment. 

She wondered what it must feel like, walking without feeling like you carried the weight of the world on your shoulders.

On the way back to the car Lexa took a detour, taking some pictures of the forest around her. In the day, the forest was filled with enchanting things. Flowers in colors of your wildest imagination, peeking through layers of moss and grass. Overturned logs and stumps, wild mushrooms growing from their sides. Lexa stopped to marvel over one tree that had fallen, not too far from the creek that she had just sat by. It looked like it had fallen just a few weeks ago, with some of its roots sticking up from the ground. 

She was always taken with a tree’s roots. You never actually saw them, only a few, the ones closest to the surface. She’d once heard someone say that people are like trees. What you could see from the outside, like your appearance, your culture and your expressions, that’s the visible tree, but the things you couldn’t see, like your values, thoughts and habits, those were your roots.

How would the forest look if you turned it upside down?

She walked on deep in thought and kept taking photos of the flowers, the animals and the light as on autopilot until she reached her car. She was so deep in thought that she didn’t hear her phone ring until its fifth ring.

“Anya?” She said as she answered, opening the car door for Parker.

“ _Hey stranger,_ ” she heard Anya say and Lexa felt some tension leave her system at once.

“What’s up?”

“Nothing much. Working a case. How’s it down south? Regret your decision yet?”

“Hah. No I don’t actually.” Saying those words she felt the truth in them. Even if being here brought back painful memories and emotional struggles, she didn’t regret moving back. 

“ _Not even a little?_ ” She said and Lexa could see the grin.

“No, jerk,” she said.

“ _I’ll believe it when I see it. Anyways, I called for a reason.”_

“And here I thought I was special. What’s up?”

“ _Ha ha. I was wondering if I could take a look at some photos that you’ve taken. Specific ones._ ”

Lexa felt a question mark form in her mind. “You do know that you can find them on the website, right?”

“ _No, really?_ ” She said with words dripping of sarcasm. _“Of course I know that. Are those the only photos that you take of the site or do you take, like hundreds and only post one even though they're all the same?_ ”

Lexa stayed quiet, not feeling in the mood to be laughed at.

“ _As I thought. Why I was calling was because I have a case that you might be able to help with._ ”

“Me?” Lexa said, letting her curiosity get the better of her. “Why would you need me?”

“ _I have a case which involves the location of one of your photos. Since you were behind the camera and took that photo, you might have captured something that we were unable to find, since we came there after the crime._ ”

“When did this crime take place? Because I haven’t encountered any crimes whilst photographing,” she said in bewilderment. “How am I supposed to have captured something?”

“ _Look, the photos might help. You might have captured something odd, or maybe a print of a shoe, or someone even. Can I see them?”_

“Sure,” Lexa said and drove up the road leading to her house. “Just tell me which location and I’ll send over the file, you can have it. But I should warn you, the files are quite big.”

“ _Can’t wait,_ ” she said with very little enthusiasm. “ _Speaking of which, the Uncle’s called me. Asking whether or not you would prefer a solid or soft mattress._ ”

“No,” Lexa said with a groan. “They’ve already spent so much on us, it’s time that they enjoy life a little! I can get my own bed, please tell me you said that to them!”

“ _Yes, strik sister, believe it or not I did mention that they didn’t have to get you a bed. But I also added that if they gave you a bed, they shouldn’t have a problem sending me one, so I might have egged them on._ ”

“Anya!” She said exasperatedly. 

“ _Anyways, looking forward to that file! I’ll text you the location._ ”

“Bye,” she muttered and hung up the phone.

Anya was over thirty years old, she also could buy her own damn mattress, Lexa thought as she turned off the ignition. Whilst parking her car and talking to Anya, she’d yet to look at her house. But when she did, she was struck by the same awe of it as the first time she’d seen it.

The construction was coming along nicely. They had filled two containers worth of junk this week, and Bellamy had texted her earlier that he thought only a day or two more before they could move on to the next part which was Lexa’s favorite.

Rebuilding.

A couple of nights ago Lexa had sent the floors she wished would be put in his way, and today she had another goal, wallpapers. Before today Lexa knew that there were a lot of wallpapers out there in the world, but she hadn’t _fathomed_ just how many different ones there were.

So after greeting the construction workers and getting some updates from them, she made some coffee and went out onto the sunny deck, picked a spot in the shade and opened her computer. But before the search for wallpaper could start, she had to send Anya that file. 

**_Pere Marquette State Park, Illinois. Just send me everything. Thx! - A_ **

Lexa nodded, remembering the park. She’d been visiting Anya that week and gone out to explore one day. She’d seen pictures of the park and had been instantly taken by them. While she proceeded with transferring the file into an email to Anya, including a typed ‘ _sorry_ ’ when she realized that she’d taken over five hundred photos of the park, she drank her coffee and enjoyed the soft breeze.

When that was done and she’d received a ‘ _...thanks..._ ’ back from Anya which had made her chuckle, then she made herself busy with researching wallpapers. At first she’d felt overwhelmed, because there were just so _many_ of them. But after viewing several sites and taking her computer with her and taking a tour with it around the house, she started to form a view of what she wanted.

She wanted this old but not ancient style, pretty but not dull, colorful but not screaming. She wanted them to blend in with the house, she wanted them to feel as part of this house as the structure itself. So after some hours of research, she’d sorted out a couple of different ones. And after pestering the workers with pictures of them, she finally decided on a couple.

She was just about to send them over to Bellamy when Parker’s ears shot up and he scrambled over to the door, a happy bark escaping his overly excited snout.

“Alright, who’s gotten you this excited, huh?” Lexa wondered and opened the door. 

As soon as she saw who it was, she chuckled when Parker raced down the porch and over to Chewy, who also vibrated with excitement over seeing his four legged cousin. 

“I brought beer and pizza,” Lincoln said with a laugh as he watched the dogs run around. “And I brought Chewy along, hoping we could sit out on that deck of yours and enjoy what’s left of the summer.”

“Sounds good,” Lexa said and took the two boxes of pizza out of his hands. 

“And also talk about,” he said as he started towards the door. “Why a worried Clarke called Octavia earlier, asking me to check in on you. Wouldn’t tell her why.”

“Ah,” Lexa said and sighed. 

“Yeah. Let’s go,” he said with a gentle tone. 

Lexa walked ahead, showing him where he could grab some plates and napkins and then pushed open the door out onto the deck.

“Yeah, look about that. I’m fine, really. I went for a walk afterwards,” she said and ran a hand through her hair.

“A walk?”

“Mhm,” she said and sat down.

He sat down next to her and opened his beer. “So you told her then?”

“Yeah,” she said, letting out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. “I decided that it would be wrong of me to take her on a date without her knowing who I really was.”

“You make it sound like you were the one doing the killing,” he said and looked over at her. “You were just a kid.”

“I know,” she said. “Or, I’m trying to know at least.”

They were both quiet for some time before Lexa spoke up.

“Moving back here, it’s been good. Mostly. I’ve loved meeting everyone, seeing your life.”

“But?”

“But,” she nodded. “It’s brought some stuff back.” She paused there, not knowing how much she wanted to tell him.

“Really, Lex?” He said with a chuckle. “Stuff? You do know that I’m not a kid anymore, right?”

“Of course I know that,” she said with annoyance “Why would you ask me that?”

“Because what you’re trying to do right now is what you’ve been doing all my life. You’re trying to protect me. And I love you for that,” he said and leaned onto the table, looking out over the view of the mountains. “But I’m not a kid anymore. You don’t have to protect me, I can take it.”

She chuckled. “You might not be a kid anymore, but that doesn’t mean you’re still not my baby brother.” Lincoln just laughed and nudged her shoulder with his. So she sighed. “I know you're not so little anymore. But I didn’t tell you then because I didn’t want you to know the horror that went on around us. Or the horror that lived inside of me,” she said and took a gulp of the beer. “‘Lives’ might be a better description.”

“You do know that I’ve read about what happened, right?” When Lexa just looked at him, he just shrugged. “You guys weren’t telling me anything. We just moved, changed names and schools. The Uncle’s only told me so much. That dad wasn’t coming home, that he’d have to spend some time in jail. As I got older, of course I knew what he’d done since we talked about it sometimes, but I only knew what _he’d_ done. Never what _you_ saw. What made you so closed off.”

“I’m not that closed off!” She protested with a laugh, but even to her ears it sounded wrong. She let it die in her throat when he made no move to follow her lead of lightening the mood.

“You used to have this light around you, back when we were kids. You always said hi to new people coming over, played with me when no one else did and did whatever you were supposed to do. But after everything with dad happened… You still did all of those things, but that light that used to shine around you, that light was gone. You said hello politely, but never a warm hi. You played with me, but it was more like you were watching over me. You never did have that many friends in high school, or in college.”

“Didn’t need that many,” she said.

“And the one you had, what about him?”

“Finn?” She said with a scoff. “Finn was an asshole.”

“See what I mean? I think you knew that, even before you chose him as a friend. I think you picked him so you wouldn’t have to worry about getting your heart run over by him.”

“Did you forget what he did?” She spit back, not liking where this conversation was heading.

“I know what he did,” he said in a calm voice. “But what I don't remember is you crying your eyes out over him.”

 _Well, there might be some truth to that_ , she thought to herself and hung her head. He was right.

“What I’m trying to say is, after that night in the woods, you became less kid and more protector. Both a protector of us, our family, but also a protector of you. Your heart, more specifically.”

“What made you think that,” she said and hated how her voice quivered.

“Because I watched you at the barbeque, whenever you were around Clarke? Seeing you around her… You lit up, like before,” he said and Lexa drew in a breath. “The only other person who you light up around is Costia.”

“And why do you think that is?” Lexa said in a strained voice.

“It might be because she’s seen what you’ve seen. But it might also be because she resembles something like hope to you. Seeing that there’s another way to cope with what happened, that might be why you open up around her, why you always have.” He sighed and covered her hand with his. “I don’t know what you’re thinking, or what your memories are. But I do believe that your light is within you, and that it’s trying to fight its way back out as we speak. 

“I think that that’s why you chose to tell Clarke the truth today. I think you feel the same way about her as I feel about Octavia,” he said with a gentle voice.

“Yeah?” Lexa said, her voice thick with emotion. “What do you feel?”

“Everything,” he breathed out. “Love, happiness, affection, safety. She’s my home. And I think that you can see yourself feeling all of those things about her, and you want to feel those things, but having lived so long trying _not_ to feel them for anyone… Trying to change that now becomes much more of a struggle to you now than it should be.”

Lexa breathed out a ragged breath.

“Let me tell you something,” Lincoln said with a soft, gentle tone. “Love? It’s the greatest feeling in the world. Let yourself _love_ , Lexa,” he said and turned fully towards her. “ It heals more than you think.”

//

Lincoln had kindly given Lexa Clarke’s phone number the other night when he’d come over and Lexa sat currently at the firehouse with her phone clutched in her hand, nervously writing, deleting and rewriting a message to Clarke.

She did feel more ready than before Lincoln had come over though, which was an improvement. 

When Lincoln first had started to talk about all the things which she had tried to shield him from, she’d first tried to shy away from it. But as he went on, she realized that he was so much wiser than she had ever been. 

He knew of the horrors in their past, but he’d chosen love instead.

She smiled. She was so proud of him. She only wished that she could be as brave and open as he was. She hated that he was right about her though. She _had_ tried to push away a part of her, specifically the part of her that felt. It was just easier that way.

It was easier to push back a feeling she’d never felt rather than letting it in only to have it taken away again. She didn’t know if she could survive losing something, or someone, so important to her again. 

Was that why it had been hard coming back here? Confronting herself about opening up towards feelings again? Maybe this wasn’t about her father at all, as she’d thought. 

Maybe it never had been.

A loud buzzing sound blasted out from all around her and she was startled into action and was in the truck before her heart had settled.

_Squad 21, Ambulance 87. A juvenile drowning in progress. Trikru public beach._

“What’s with you today?” Raven said once in the truck. 

“Huh?”

“You seem… Well I haven’t known you long enough to know how you seem. I just know that this version of you is like a dialed down version of the Lexa that I met before, that’s all.”

“I’m fine, Raven,” Lexa said and struggled to put on the wetsuit. A juvenile drowning meant a kid drowning, which meant that Lexa had to go in, plus one other. Any juvenile accidents, Lexa always went in and always took the other most skilled firefighter with her. Training could wait, the kid couldn’t, and Lexa knew that she could get the kid out the fastest.

Roan was beside her, struggling into his suit as well.

Lexa had chosen him because she’d worked a couple of drownings with him. She knew how he worked, after this call she’d ask around to see which other members of her squad usually did the diving.

“Alright,” Raven said with a guarded tone. Lexa looked up briefly to see her expression, but it was just as closed off.

“I promise,” she said and tried to sound convincing. “Lincoln came over yesterday, we talked. I guess I’m still processing what he said,” she said in a more gentle tone. “I’m fine.”

Raven nodded then and turned around, accepting her answer. 

“We’re here!” Jasper announced.

“All right, Roan,” Lexa called and jumped out of the truck with her gear and was met by a hysteric mother.

“Quick!” She said and ran up to Lexa who met her halfways. “I can’t find her, and James has been searching… Oh god,” she said and Lexa could sense a panic attack. “There he is, he hasn’t found her, _oh God._ ”

“Miss, where did you last see her?” She said while grabbing her arms. It was important that the mother focused, not focusing here could mean that her child was dying, or worse.

“There,” she said with a shaky voice and pointed towards the edge of the pier. “Please, you have to find her. Find Riley.” Lexa nodded once before signaling to Roan.

“It’s too dark!” The man cried and put one of his hands over his eyes, clutching the ladder with his other hand. “I couldn’t see a thing, _my baby_! Please, you have to find her, she’s my child!” 

The two of them put on their goggles, attached their air and attached themselves to the line which was connected to Raven and Indra who was right behind them, before jumping into the water. 

It took her a second to get used to the murky scene around her, but soon she started to move. The current was currently pulling her slightly out, so she swam in that direction. That was something that she had learned, that kids usually went with the current since they were so light. She felt a tap on her shoulder and looked over. Roan signaled that he would start scouting along the bottom and that she could start searching farther out. Just as back in New York.

 _Where are you_ , Lexa caught herself thinking. Kids were always a tough part of the job. She’d always thought so. They had lived so little, had so much more to life left to experience. And the parents… It was their cries that sometimes haunted her in her sleep. 

It was like you could hear their souls breaking.

She hoped that she would never have to experience that kind of pain.

They couldn’t have been in more than a minute when Lexa saw something about three yards away. It was a small hand, and when Lexa went another yard closer, she could see the lifeless form of the little girl’s body, with one of her feet caught on a root attached to the bottom. She kicked forcefully with her legs and stretched out her arms, catching her and bringing her close to her chest, freeing her of the trap.

She placed her feet on the bottom of the lake and pushed up. When she crashed through the surface, she started kicking with her legs, and as fast as possible she pulled herself and the girl back over to the pier where Emori and Fox was waiting, ready with warming blankets and to perform CPR. 

A backboard was lowered down and she worked fast, securing the girl around her middle, her hips and her feet before they could haul her up. Lexa tugged on Roan’s line, notifying him that she’d found the victim. As she climbed up and caught her breath, she listened as Emori and Fox got to work.

“C’mon now Riley,” she heard Emori coax as she did chest compressions. “C’mon.”

Then Lexa heard the wonderful sound of what had to be Riley, coughing up about half the lake, and Lexa felt herself being able to breathe again.

“ _Riley!_ ” She heard the woman scream, and Lexa smiled. It was a scream of relief. “Oh honey, you scared me. I’m here, I’m never leaving you ever again,” she sobbed and bent down over the girl.

“‘m okay,” the girl said and sounded totally wiped out. Lexa smiled and went over.

“She’s okay, she just had a scare,” she told the mother and put a comforting hand on her back. “You can ride with her to the hospital now.”

“Oh, thank you, _thank you_ ,” the mother said and turned around and flung her arms around Lexa. Lexa, stunned, brought her arms around the shaking woman and squeezed once before gently guiding the woman over to the ambulance. “I don’t know what I would do without her.”

“Well, you won’t have to find that out today,” Lexa said and looked into her eyes. “You did everything right.”

The woman looked into Lexa’s eyes. “How can I ever repay you?”

Lexa smiled. “Love that little girl of yours.” The mother nodded frantically before jumping up in the ambulance.

While the ambulance drove off Lexa walked over to Roan. “It’s nice, working with you again,” she said with a smile. “I missed you back in the city. The other guys, they were never the same as you in the water.”

“Well, well,” Roan said with a grin. “A compliment.”

“Shut up and take it,” she said and smacked his arm. “You know I don’t hand them out very often.”

“Fine. And same. It’s good to have you with us.”

“Thanks,” she said. She felt a nudge on her shoulder and looked over at Raven who stood behind her with a towel.

“Good work,” Raven said and handed her the towel which Lexa happily accepted. Even though it was August in South Carolina, being at the bottom of a lake wasn’t exactly the warmest place you could be, and standing on dry land in a wet and cold wetsuit wasn’t one of Lexa’s favorite attires.

“Thanks,” she said. “And thank you, about before.”

“What about it?”

“I feared when I got here that this was going to be one of those houses where everyone just minded their own business and didn’t care about each other. I’ve been in those houses. But you guys, the way you act around each other, that you notice if something’s up, that tells me that that’s not the case here. You’re all a family.”

Raven nodded. “Well, yeah. It would be weird if they weren’t like my family. We grew up together, and occasionally lay down our lives for each other.”

“Well it’s nice to have come here,” she said and nodded.

“That includes you, you know.”

Lexa froze a little and glanced up. “What?”

“You’re also family now. That’s why I asked before. We care about you, and if you ever need to talk, we’re here.”

Lexa swallowed a lump that had formed in her throat. “Thank you.”

Raven grinned. “Anyways, Clarke would murder me if I didn’t keep an eye out for you.” Lexa must have made a face because Raven raised an eyebrow. “You think I haven’t heard about you asking her out? And don’t even pretend to act surprised, everyone here knows how you throw hearteyes her way.”

“Hearteyes? I uh-”

“Just one thing. If you hurt her, I’ll hurt you. You might be my family, but she’s my _best friend_. She comes first.”

“Agreed,” Lexa found herself saying, without hesitation. “I promise I won’t-”

“I don’t want to hear any promises,” Raven said and cut Lexa off again. “It’s been a long time since she’d opened up to anyone besides us. Just don’t screw this up.”

Lexa shook her head. “I won’t.”

“Good,” she said. “Now we can talk about where you’re taking her.”

“We can?” Lexa felt more and more stupid as the conversation went on.

“Yes, now tell me, commander Hearteyes, where are you taking her?”

“Hey!” Lexa scrunched up her eyebrows at the nickname. “I will _not_ be called-”

“Oh hush,” Raven said and waved away her uncomfortness. “So?”

“To watch the stars,” Lexa grumbled and kicked at a stone on the ground.

“Where?”

“Somewhere,” Lexa answered stubbornly and stuck her chin out.

“Oh, aren’t you smart,” Raven said and helped Lexa struggle out of her wetsuit. They’d reached the truck and Lexa and Roan had to get out of their wetsuits, they might get another call while in the truck and it wasn’t good for them to stay in those wetsuits longer than necessary. 

“It’s a place I went as a kid, alright?”

Raven was quiet for a second. “Okay, that’ll do. Remember to bring lots of snacks. And blankets, maybe bring an extra hoodie if you have one. The days and evenings might be hot as hell, but the nights do get a little chilly.”

“Thanks _mom_ ,” Lexa continued to grumble, having shrugged out of the top part of the wetsuit and was handed her shirt from Raven. 

“Don’t get slick with me. You want me as your friend.”

“...right.”

“Clarke’s all about romance and shit, so, I don’t know, if you have some cheesy lines in store, now might be a good time to start bringing ‘em out. Dust ‘em off.”

“Dust them off?”

“Like ‘ _You must be the North Star, because the light around you guided me right to you._ ’ Cheesy lines like that.”

“That’s…” Lexa couldn’t even find a worthy comeback. She gave up.

“Amazing, I know. Now, get out of those damn pants, I’m not getting any younger here.”

Lexa stood baffled at Raven for another second before shrugging out of the rest of her wetsuit. She handed Raven the wetsuit and hastily changed back into her pants, then her shoes. She’d just finished getting dressed when she caught Raven’s smirk.

She groaned. “What now?”

“Clarke is going to _hate_ that I’ve seen you without clothes on before she has.”

Lexa all but choked on her own tongue. “Raven, don’t be- _I wasn’t without any clothes on_ ! Or not _all of them_ at least!” Then she paused. “Is she really going to hate you for that?”

Raven just laughed and hopped in the truck.

“C’mon, commander Hearteyes, we haven’t got all day! Chop chop!”

Lexa grumbled at the nickname but followed suit and got in the truck where the rest of her squad sat, all looking between Raven and Lexa with a mix of uncertainty and humor.

“‘ _Commander Hearteyes_ ’?” Roan said with a roar of laughter and held up a fist which Raven bumped with hers.

“Hey!” Lexa said, but settled with a sigh when they started laughing. By the time they were turning onto the highway everyone but Indra, which Lexa was surprisingly thankful for, was in a laughing fit that lasted all the way over to the station.

//

Clarke’s day suddenly got a lot more busy. They just received the little girl that Lexa had pulled out of the water in a record of a minute and a half, and on top of that she had a teenager who’d tried to be a superhero. He’d tried what it would be like to jump from the roof down onto a trampoline, to see if he could jump any higher. Long story short, the guy came in with a broken femur and the trampoline was nothing but a memory.

Clarke was just grateful that she’d already stitched up an older woman’s hand after she’d accidentally sliced herself open when she was cutting up lemons at home.

Today was just one of those days when everyone got hurt. She had them a few times a month and while the time went, she usually felt like a year had been carved out of her soul after the shift ended.

When she’d heard about Lexa’s save she couldn’t stop the chuckle slipping past her lips. Of course she of all people would save the girl _and_ break the record time, all at once. 

She thought back to their conversation at the diner yesterday and couldn’t help the smile widening. She’d told her so that _she,_ Clarke, could have a chance to reconsider her answer about going out with her, because Lexa thought that being the daughter of a serial killer might scare her and put her in a position of discomfort, and so that she should have the right to say no before going into a situation blind.

Was this girl even real?

Maybe there was hope for mankind after all. Or maybe not all of mankind, that might be over exaggerating a little bit because a lot of people in this world still sucked, but hope for her lovelife then. After Finn, who’d turned out to be an asshole, she’d kind of lost hope in love. She wasn’t looking for it and didn’t miss it and, frankly, she didn’t want it.

But being with Lexa, it just changed every thought she’d had about love.

Lexa made her _want_ things. She made her want late night conversations about nothing and everything. She made her want to walk around town, hand in hand and proudly showing off that she was _hers_ . She made her want morning kisses and late night snuggles. She made her want intimacy and closeness. She made her want it all and so much _more_. 

But most of all, she just wanted to experience all of those things with Lexa. 

She wanted _Lexa_ , period.

To Clarke’s defense, she did make it ridiculously hard for anyone _not_ to fall for her. She was just extremely perplexed that Lexa seemed to have picked _her_ out of everyone. Clarke was nothing but ordinary, Lexa on the other hand…

Lexa had stopped a _serial kidnapper, rapist and murderer_ at the tender age of _seven_ , and managed to _save_ a young woman’s _life_ in the process. And what was worse, it had been her _father_ who she’d turned in to the authorities. 

And she was a goddamned _firefighter_.

What on earth made Clarke worthy of such an incredible person’s affection and admiration?

It didn’t, and Clarke thought that that might be the core to her uneasiness about this whole thing. She sighed to herself while typing away at the computer, updating the girl’s chart. She didn’t even know if what they had even was a thing. Or if it would come to being a thing. She just knew that _she_ wanted it to become a thing. 

For the first time in a long time, she longed to have a thing with somebody.

Her phone dinged and interrupted her very depressing strain of thoughts, but what she found waiting for her made her chuckle, replacing all of her depressed thoughts with a warmth that spread throughout her body.

_13:42_

**_Okay I wool now attempt thus text for the twentieth tine, and please excuse aby misspellings because Raven is correctly throwing cereal at me. Do yoi have any plans tonorrow night? Oh, and this is Lexa. It’s me, Lexa, adking if you, Clarke, ate free tomorrow night. - Lexa_ **

_13:47_

**_I am very sorry for my previous text, I promise that I know how to spell. I feel like an idiot. I’m going to kill Raven when I get back to them. I may have hidden in the bathroom to get away from her and Jasper. Please ignore the other text. - Lexa_ **

_13:48_

**_Or ignore the writing, not the question. I still would like if you’re free tomorrow. If you are, that’s great, if not, that’s fine. Are you okay with being outdoors? Are you allergic to anything? - Lexa_ **

_13:51_

**_Realised that I manage to ramble even over text messages. I’m normally not a rambling person. I am very sorry. - Lexa_ **

Clarke couldn’t help the laughter that spilled out of her mouth as she read the texts. Lexa was one of the most adorable human beings on this earth. She felt herself smiling like an idiot and typed out a reply.

_13:54_

**_Hi Lexa, I see that you’ve discovered one of Raven’s many talents; being annoying as fuck. I am very sorry that you have to bear with her. And as for your question, yes I am free tomorrow. I don’t mind the outdoors, much, but I have to warn you, I’m not an outdoorsy person. I’m not allergic to anything, except for maybe, sometimes, to Raven’s voice. - C_ **

_13:55_

**_PS, I don’t mind your rambling ;) - C_ **

After sending away her texts she turned to her computer to finish the chart, and was startled by the buzz of her pager. She sighed and read it, _ER_. 

Yep, this was just one of those days. 

// 

Lexa stood with her hands on her hips and watched how her team did some ladder exercises. Today she had set up for a dummy practice, they were supposed to climb the ladder and safely bring the victim, or dummy, safely down from the roof above, which was supposed to resemble a burning second story of an apartment building. 

“C’mon, the smoke is starting to change color!” Lexa shouted at Jasper and Raven who worked on the ladder. “You have one more minute, let’s go!”

She watched how Jasper secured the dummy onto the backboard and how Raven received it, Lexa taking note of Raven's efficiency and Jasper’s fast work with the backboard. This was of course just a drill where they all knew that they were safe and had all the time in the world, but by doing this often, soon it would become muscle memory and it would run just as smoothly in an actual fire.

“Alright, and time!” Lexa said once they were done and stopped the watch she held. “Good work, you’re down to four minutes and thirty seven seconds. Plenty of opportunity to fix that later.”

“Fix it?” Jasper said, standing with a hand to his side. She looked over at Raven who wiped a hand over her forehead.

“Yes,” Lexa simply said and turned back to the remaining two. “Alright, Roan and Indra, you’re up!”

Lexa didn’t look towards Roan, she knew that he was probably smirking. He knew what her goal was, but he was smart enough to keep it to himself. If he said something, he knew that they would complain even louder.

“And, go!” Lexa said and started the timer. Lexa predicted that they would work just a little bit faster, seeing as Indra had been on the job longer than any of them. And she was right, when she stopped the stopwatch it was only at three minutes and seventeen seconds.

“Not bad, but we can do better,” she said and pointedly ignored Raven’s horrified stare. “Let’s hit the showers people!”

She ignored their moans and complaints to the best of her ability as she started to pack up the equipment around her. She knew that no one really liked doing drills, but since Lexa was new with them she needed to know who was good at what, what each of their weak spots were and what method of leadership was required for them to overcome those things. They’d done drills all afternoon and Lexa had tried a few different ones, some yielding results with others and others the opposite.

She went inside after that, but stayed away from the common room and steered her steps towards her office.

Lexa closed the door and sat down on her bed and grabbed her phone. She’d finished the report from the call this morning so she should really try to take a nap, but her mind was on something else entirely. She’d texted Clarke earlier and still cringed at her own awkwardness. She both hoped that Clarke had answered and hoped that Lincoln would have given her the wrong number.

But when she read her texts, she couldn’t help the ridiculously big smile spreading on her lips. Her fingers were typing away even before her mind knew what to type.

_17:28_

**_Great! Then would it be okay if I come around your house and pick you up around 8 pm? - Lexa_ **

Lexa put the phone away and put it down on her nightstand before rolling on her back so that she was staring up at the ceiling. In her mind she did one of these extremely embarrassing happy dances, she closed her eyes and tried with all her might to just hold on to this unfamiliar but wonderful feeling that was spreading throughout her stomach.

She was so distant from the real world that she didn’t hear the footsteps coming her way. She just about jumped a foot from the bed when the door flew open and a familiar voice filled the room.

“Is this what you do when you’re at work? Damn, I chose the wrong career I guess.”

Lexa’s eyes flew open in surprise. “Anya?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some Lexa in action, some rambling, Clarke being supportive, and a surprise visit from Anya, my my...
> 
> Hope everyone liked the update, and thank you again times a million for your continued support! Means more than I can say!


	13. I Don't Like Hospitals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise I haven't forgotten about this story, but from now on out I will only update on wednesdays, school is picking up, I'm working a bit more at the hospital and I want the chapters that I have in store to last so that I don't run out on you guys ;)
> 
> BUT a good thing, that chapters each hover around 10k, so they're nice and long for all of you to enjoy ;)
> 
> Stay safe everyone!

“What on earth are you doing in Polis?” Lexa asked perplexedly.

“Both my dear brother and sister live here I believe, god forbid that I visit sometimes,” Anya said and leaned on her desk with a smirk plastered on her face. “Now, before I came in you had the most ridiculous smile on your face. I take it things with Clarke are going well?”

Lexa just stared at her with her mouth open. “How do you know about Clarke?”

“Well at least one of my siblings calls from time to time.”

Anya waited for a beat and Lexa muttered out an apology. “Sorry.”

“Damn straight. Now, who is this magical creature that’s managed to turn your head? She must have wings.”

“Wings?”

“Or maybe she’s a… What do you call those creatures from Harry Potter? The girl’s in the blue dresses that turn all of the boys’ heads?”

Lexa blinked. “A veela?”

“Yes, exactly, maybe she’s a veela!”

“You think that Clarke is a magical creature from Harry Potter?” Lexa looked at Anya and wasn’t sure if she should laugh or have her examined.

“There’s no way that this girl is just some  _ girl. _ You’ve managed to walk this earth close to thirty years without even batting an eye towards anyone.”

“Well,” Lexa said and sat up more straight and crossed her arms over her chest. “You haven’t really succeeded in that department either, have you?”

“Don’t turn this around on me, brat,” Anya said and fixed her with a stare. “Go on, who is she?”

Lexa sighed and flopped back down on the bed. “Her name’s Clarke, she’s a doctor down at the hospital. She’s Abby’s daughter,” she added.

“Both smart and magical,” Anya said approvingly and Lexa rolled her eyes but couldn’t keep the smile off of her lips.

“Quite. She’s… She’s just like no one I’ve ever met.”

“I take it, that's a good thing?”

Lexa nodded. “Yes. I told her,” she added softly.

Anya paused. “Wait, as in  _ told her  _ told her?”

“Mhm.”

Then it was quiet for so long that Lexa cracked an eye open. “Are you still here?”

“I’m still trying to recover from the fact that you actually told someone. So you really told her your secret? You’ve been here for like, a week.”

“Close to two weeks.”

Anya just waved her hands in the air. “Exactly! You  _ never  _ tell people! Why her, why now?”

“Clarke’s different. She’s special.”

Anya stopped waving and Lexa could feel herself being scanned by her. Then she felt the bed dip as Anya sat down next to her. 

“So, what’s she like?” She asked, and Lexa couldn’t help the words that tumbled out of her mouth.

“She’s just different. I’m different when I’m with her. I feel lighter somehow. I ramble, and I never ramble. When I look at her, I feel like all of the air is sucked out of me. Her smile can light up an entire room and her laugh, it’s like the angels are singing.”

“Stop, I think I just barfed in my mouth. Save all of the sweet talk for when my brother asks about her.”

Lexa jabbed her in the ribs. 

“But now she knows, and I’m terrified,” she added in a whisper. She hated sounding this way in front of Anya, but lately talking about her feelings was all that she’d been doing. She wiped angrily at her eye, and bit down on her lip.

“Of?”

“That she’ll come to her senses. That she’ll see that I am a part of him. I don’t think that that thought’s crossed her mind yet.”

“That’s just stupid.” 

Lexa just shook her head. “But it’s true. She might think that. Others have.”

“Lexa. Come on. Is that what you think people think of us? Of you? Never mind those few people who’ve told you that, they’re just jealous and want attention.” Lexa shrugged and Anya sighed.

“Have I ever told you why I do what I do?”

“Because it’s your passion?”

“Yes, but why am I working with a special unit?” she pressed on and Lexa just frowned.

“I thought it was because they offered you a position there?”

“I’ve known that that’s what I wanted to do ever since I was about eleven or twelve. I’ve always known that I wanted to become a cop, but it wasn’t until you did what you did that made me realise that I didn’t want to just ride in cruisers or slap handcuffs on people’s wrists. You made me want to catch the real monsters out there in the world, and I was going to fight for it with everything that I had.”

“I did?”

“Yeah. That’s all I think about when I think of you. Of how you saved that girl, and us, from a monster. I can’t promise you that that’s how everyone sees us, but I can promise you that everyone who takes three seconds to get to know you will feel the same way. You are nothing like him, but everything like mom and Gus and Nyko.”

Lexa let out a shuddering breath, but smiled at Anya. “I didn’t know that you could be this nice.”

“I promise you, it’s only temporary,” she chuckled. “How did she take it?”

“She said I was amazing,” she whispered and smiled at the memory.

“And already I like her, it must be a record. I haven’t even met her.” 

She sighed and turned her head. “Anya.”

“Lexa?”

“Why are you really here? You wouldn’t come here unless it was really important. You certainly wouldn’t have come here just to hand out compliments. You never take time off from work.”

Anya threw her a look that for once Lexa couldn’t decipher. “I’ll tell you later,” she said with a sigh and rose from the bed. “I’m heading over to Lincoln’s place. You’re off in the morning, yeah?” Lexa nodded. “After your shift, can you come over?”

“Sure, I have to pick up Parker anyways. Is something wrong?” Lexa had never seen Anya this way, this worried before. But as she was about to open her mouth, the loud alarm rang through the station and Lexa was up and out of her bed when she heard the mention of squad 21 being mentioned.

_ Truck 34, Squad 21, Engine 4, Ambulance 87. House fire. 276 Boylston street. _

“Catch you later.”

Lexa nodded and jogged out to the truck, slipped out of her sneakers and into her boots and pants and jumped up in the passenger seat. Jasper jumped up a second later in the driver’s seat with a worried look on his face.

“What?” Lexa asked and looked at him.

“Thomas and James… They have a friend at Boylston street.”

Lexa saw that his jaw was clenched as he raced the truck down the streets. She couldn’t imagine the worry that he must be feeling.

“They’re okay,” she said.

“You don’t know that.”

“True. But if they are inside, we’ll get them out. I’ll go in.”

Jasper glanced at her. “You’re crazy if you’re thinking that I’m staying behind.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Lexa said, looking straight ahead. As they got closer Lexa could see the billow of smoke rising from a brick house down the street, and on the sidewalk a number of neighbours stood clutching each other, huddling closer.

They stopped the truck and Jasper was out of it almost as fast as Lexa was.

“Alright, Jasper, Roan and Indra, You three will search the bottom and second floor. Me and Raven will search the basement. Stick together and do not wander off alone,” she added and looked at Jasper. After about a second his head jerked in a nod, and they got to work.

“We’re searching the house Blake, basement, first and second floor, over,” she said into her coms attached on her shoulder as they raced towards the door.

“ _ We’ll open up a vent on the roof. Do you want an assist, over, _ ” Bellamy’s voice sounded through the device.

“Negative, be prepared with O2, I don’t know how many vic’s are inside, over and out,” Lexa said and slipped on her mask. She nodded at Roan who then proceeded with knocking the door down.

Immediately they surged in, the three of them heading for the large opening that led towards the kitchen with Indra at the front and Raven and herself headed towards the staircase that led down to the basement. By the looks of it the fire had started on the first floor or the basement and was hastily making its way through the house. Lexa waited not a second longer, she kicked open the door and took in the sight in front of her.

“When we get to the basement, keep low. Here, attach yourself to me,” she said and grabbed Raven’s line that they had at their waists. “So we don’t lose each other.”

Raven nodded and they started down the stairs. 

Lexa had chosen with their weight in mind. These stairs would collapse under Roan’s weight, but for Lexa and Raven, they might just hold for a couple of minutes longer. If not, they would have a problem.

The fire was fully evolved in the basement. By the looks of it this had been a teens hangout room, which she had feared from the moment she’d seen the house. There was no kids stuff out on the lawn, but instead a motorbike and a basketball hoop. Teenagers.

She tapped Raven on the shoulder and made her way across the room, holding a hand against a couch that stood placed in front of a TV. She looked in it, but it was empty. She squinted, but even with the light on her helmet she only had about three feet worth of visibility. 

She felt her way over to the TV and saw an outlet with multiple connected devices, and what looked like the cause of the fire. She clenched her jaw shut and kept low, trying to find the person who’d connected them.

Suddenly Raven tugged on her line.

“Lexa, over by the north wall!”

She looked over and saw a still form lying on the floor, a boy who couldn’t have been older than fourteen. She and Raven rushed over and while she checked him for burns, Raven checked to see his status.

“Alive, but barely.” Lexa wasted no time. She unclipped her helmet and took off her mask, pressing it to the boy's face and tugged the collar of her fleece up and above her mouth.

“Woods,” Raven said with a clear warning in her voice.

“He’s not dying in here today,” she said in a firm voice. “Blake, I have an unconscious male in the basement, requesting backup for evac, over.”

“ _ Location? _ ”

“North wall,” she said and tried to ignore the stinging sensation in her eyes. She knew that taking off her mask was dumb, but this was just a kid.

With a loud crack that had them look up, they had just about half a seconds worth of a warning before a beam crashed to the floor. Lexa didn’t think twice, she threw herself on top of the boy and tried to ignore the wave of blinding heat that came after.

“Come on!” She heard Raven shout in her ear. “Let’s move!”

They dragged him closer to the wall and Lexa realised when she looked up that the beam had cut them off from the entrance of the basement and now the air was beginning to fill up with black smoke. She inhaled one deep breath of air from her mask before replacing it again over the boy’s nose and mouth and looked over at Raven. She looked her in the eye and unclipped her line.

“What the hell are you doing?!” Raven shouted and tried to clip it back, but Lexa shook her head.

“Go back up and out. We’re just sitting ducks here,” she said and coughed. “I’ll stay, wait for backup.”

“But-”

“Go!”

Lexa shoved her in the direction of the staircase and dragged the boy closer to her to avoid the enclosing flames. “Don’t die on me,” she murmured in the boy's ear. “Hold on. Just hold on.”

Lexa knew that she’d broken about every protocol there was in this situation. You weren’t supposed to take off your mask and you sure as hell shouldn’t detach from a line and send your lifeline away. But if this indeed was one of Jasper’s boys, she’d want someone to stay behind. What if this had been her niece or nephew? Then she’d absolutely wanted someone to do this for them. And this boy, well he was someone’s son. Maybe someone’s brother, or boyfriend. 

She’d rather die herself than walk away from a kid that was alive.

Her eyes were stinging and she found herself wanting to nod off due to the lack of oxygen, and she felt her heart race in her chest. Her vision went blurry and just as she started to slide down the wall she could hear a clear voice cut through the space around her.

“ _ Polis fire department, call out if you can hear me! Lexa! _ ”

Lexa sagged in relief and coughed. “We’re over here,” she croaked out but ended up having a coughing fit when she inhaled a mouth filled with dangerous smoke. “Over here!”

She fought to a standing position and kept her mouth over the collar of her fleece. She stayed that way until she could see the outline of three figures approaching. Then when she felt a hand closing over hers, she just couldn’t stand upright anymore. 

She sagged to the floor and the last thought that rang through her clouded head was that she hoped that they wouldn’t remove her mask from the boy.

//

Clarke ran to the ER.

She’d gotten the page about a minute ago, she’d been sitting and examining an elderly man’s x-ray of his ulna when she’d received a page to the ER, about a collapsed firefighter. 

She kept seeing flashes of faces when she ran to the ER, Raven’s, Jasper’s, Bell’s, Monty’s. Lexa’s. She knew that it didn’t have to be them, but the knowledge of the possibility that it  _ could be them  _ was frightening enough. She knew that they were the ones that were on shift.

She pushed her way through a mass of people in the hallway and emerged to two teams waiting. Beside one of them stood her mom.

“Mom?” Clarke said and pulled on a gown and gloves.

“A boy with severe burns and smoke inhalation,” she answered with a strained voice. Neither of them liked burn victim’s. “You?”

“A fallen firefighter,” Clarke said with the same tone. Abby squeezed Clarke’s shoulder before running out to greet the ambulance. She only had time to see his feet as the doors to the ambo were thrown open. He had on green sneakers. 

He wasn’t moving.

Clarke took a deep breath and followed suit, trying to prepare herself for the worse.

Her ambo rolled in and Fox got out from the driver’s seat. Clarke noted that she didn’t look all that worried and tried with no success to calm her frantic heartbeat. “Firefighter lost consciousness at the scene but regained it a few minutes later while on route in the ambo, has suffered smoke inhalation, and-”

“Who?” Clarke interrupted. “Who is it?”

“Why don’t you see for yourself,” she said, opening the doors Clarke couldn’t help but sag in relief at the scene in front of her.

“I don’t  _ need  _ to lie down, I’m fine!” A loud but scratchy voice said followed by a cough. Clarke would know that voice anywhere.

Inside of the ambulance Emori stood and leaned over Lexa’s struggling form, trying to push her down onto the stretcher. In one of her hands she held a clear mask which was  _ supposed _ to be covering Lexa’s nose and mouth.

“Lexa, just lie down for christ sake!” Emori said and pushed Lexa back onto the stretcher. “Do I need to strap you down?”

Clarke let out a sound of relief before getting to work. “Hey you,” Clarke said and jumped up in the ambo.

Lexa stilled at the sight of her and Clarke sucked in a breath when she saw the state of her. Her hair was tousled and her face was covered in soot and dirt, her eyes were swollen and when she looked down she saw that her jacked had been burned in several places. Clarke swallowed but placed a hand on Lexa’s arm and trained her eyes on Lexa’s.

“May I ask why you’re not breathing into a mask as we speak?” She said and took the clear mask out of Emori’s hands.

“She’s all yours,” she heard the other girl mutter.

“I’m fine,” Lexa said stubbornly and stuck out her chin, but right after that she had a coughing fit and Clarke had to suppress the urge to roll her eyes at her.

“Clearly,” she said dryly and Lexa averted her eyes.

“If you want to get out of here, you’ll need to listen to me and do as I say. I know that you probably think like the rest of them, that all of you firefighters are invincible, but you are in fact,  _ not.  _ Now,” she said and forcefully placed the mask over her face. “Should I go with Emori’s earlier suggestion and strap you down, or can you lie down by yourself like a big girl?”

She waited a beat, but then she could hear a sigh from the girl and see her lying reluctantly back against the stretcher. 

“Thank you,” Clarke said and signalled for Emori and Fox to help her unload. “Keep the mask on until we’re inside.”

“Wait,” Lexa said in a voice on the brink of panic and gripped her hand. “Can’t you just check me out here?”

“No,” she said softly and squeezed the hand that held hers in a vice grip. “I have to run some tests, and all of the machines are in there.” She said and pointed towards the doors.

Clarke wanted to say so many things, especially soothing things considering Lexa’s wild flickering eyes and cramp like grip on her hand, but they would have to wait. Clarke wanted to do an EKG, check her lungs and airways for any damage, check for burns and keep her for observation for at least twelve hours. 

She wanted every inch of her looked at to ensure that she was fine.

Then she could talk with her and comfort her, if that's what she wanted. That might be what Clarke needed, after all of this was done. To make sure that she was still here, okay and breathing.

“What happened to the boy?” Lexa said and Clarke shook her head.

“I don’t know. When I’ve checked on you I can check on him,” she added, but sighed and put the mask back on when she saw that Lexa was about to protest.

“My mom’s working on him. Don’t worry.”

Once inside they rolled Lexa to a bed and before Clarke could give the go ahead, Lexa jumped over, but had her eyes trained on her hands. Clarke watched her with some amusement.

“Why do I get the feeling that you’ve done this before?”

Lexa glanced up at her sheepishly, but looked down after a second. “Maybe I have done this a few times,” she rasped and Clarke sighed.

“Of course you have. Alright, I’m going to go and admit you, hang tight.”

“Admit me?!” Lexa said and pushed up from her bed. “No, no I’m fine! Please-”

“Just for the night,” Clarke said and she could tell that that did not sit well with Lexa. Clarke went back and gripped Lexa’s hand and looked pleadingly into her eyes.

“Please,” she whispered. She looked into Lexa’s red eyes and watched how her mind worked back and forth, trying to decide what to do, before Lexa nodded her head once. “Thank you,” she breathed. “I just have to make sure that you’re okay.”

“Clarke, I’m fine.” 

Clarke could hear what she was saying and see that she was sitting up, she could see that her eyes were alert and hear that her breathing was normal, but that didn’t erase the fact that she’d still been unconscious just fifteen minutes earlier. It didn’t change the fact that her vocal cords were swollen due to smoke inhalation, it didn’t change the fact that her eyes had been exposed to a dangerous amount of smoke and it didn’t change the fact that any number of things could be happening right now, but are invisible due to adrenaline pumping through her veins.

“I’ll decide that,” she said finally, squeezing her hand lightly. “Now, can I please go and admit you, take you up to a room and see if you’re as fine as you say that you are?”

“Fine,” Lexa said and nodded. She must have seen something in Clarke’s eyes, because suddenly Lexa’s whole body language changed. She brought a soot covered hand up to Clarke’s cheek and gently stroked her thumb across it before lowering her arm again.

“Can you promise me one thing in return?” Lexa said with her raspy voice and Clarke raised an eyebrow. “Can you get me some pudding?”

Clarke blinked before a laugh bubbled out from her lips. She closed her eyes and released a shuddering breath she didn’t know she’d been holding.

“Sure. Sure, I’ll get you some pudding.”

//

Lexa was wheeled up to a room and all that she could focus on was ‘ _ don’t look don’t look don’t look don’t look _ ’.

Ever since her mom had had her overdose and been brought to the hospital in New York, Lexa had always hated them. She did not walk into one unless it was absolutely necessary. She silently cursed herself for blacking out during that fire, if she’d just held on for another minute, she wouldn’t be in this position.

Whenever she’d had to go to the hospital before she’d argued her way out of there, usually within the hour. She’d just keep nagging the nurses and doctors, arguing that she was fine and demonstrating breathing and walking until they were sick of her and sent her on her way with strict orders of taking it easy and to come back if she experienced any difficulty breathing. She’d nodded and practically ran out the doors and back to the safety of the firehouse where she’d spent the rest of the shift in coughing fits.

But seeing the look in Clarke’s eyes…

She was scared. She was scared and it was Lexa who had caused those feelings, so naturally she would do just about anything to make those feelings go away. Even let herself get admitted at the hospital for, Lexa shuddered at the thought,  _ twelve hours _ .

She hadn’t ever been admitted since her mom died, and when Lexa thought of it, she didn’t think she’d ever been admitted that long. She’d once stayed at a hospital for longer than that when Nyko once had gone in to donate some of his bone marrow, but that was when Lexa was about ten. She’d stayed the whole day, holding his hand and bringing him water. She’d thought that he was a hero that day, because to someone, he was.

But after her mom died hospitals just became something that resembled death and pain and she could feel it seeping into her brain and body. Even the smell of the disinfectant had her feeling slightly nauseated.

When she got to her room she was relieved to see that it was a single and with a window overlooking the lake. She glanced at the clock on the wall. It was only about seven pm, and Lexa sighed.

How on earth was she supposed to last until morning here? She’d reached for her phone but remembered that she’d left it on her bedside table at the firehouse and sighed out of frustration. There was a TV in her room, but she couldn’t find a remote and she didn’t want to press the call button for such a stupid thing.

She didn’t have to wait long though because a few minutes after that her door opened and in came a nurse with what looked like a set of new hospital clothes.

“Here,” she said and put them on the bed. “Change, you look and smell like you’ve smoked a pack of cigarettes.”

“Sorry?” Lexa said and just stared at the clothes. “Do I have to?”

“Yes,” she said and started to walk towards her. “Do you need help?”

“No!” She said and jumped back. “No, I- I can do it,” she said and held herself more upright. The nurse, who looked very frightening to Lexa, looked her up and down before nodding once.

“Press the call button if you need help,” she said and left the room. “And put on your mask.”

“Geez,” Lexa muttered and looked at the offending pieces of clothes. Then she looked down on her own and grimaced. Yeah, maybe they’d seen better days. They were covered in soot and smelled like smoke, and in some places there were even burn marks. She sighed, she’d have to put in an order for new ones. 

But she could see what the nurse said. 

She did smell bad.

So she slowly grabbed the clothes and shuffled into the bathroom, shut the door and almost had a heart attack when she looked in the mirror.

She looked just plain awful.

Her hair was a mess and her face was puffy and all of her was covered in the same soot that covered her work gear.  _ Gross.  _ By the looks of her eyes it looked like she’d been up all night partying or shooting drugs or something in that sense and when she lifted her shirt away from her neck she could see an angry red spot covering her left lower neck and upper left shoulder _. Probably from when I laid on top of him when that beam fell, _ she thought and sighed.

She hoped Clarke wouldn’t keep her any longer for that.

She slowly peeled away layer after layer of clothes, starting with her heavy turnout gear and boots and continuing with trying to struggle her way out of her other set of pants. She was just about to lift up the hem of her shirt when she heard a knock on the door.

“Lexa?”

Even through the door Lexa could hear that Clarke was worried.

“Almost done, just trying to get out of this shirt,” she said but hissed involuntarily when she accidentally nudged the red mark. Lexa barely had time to protest before the door swung open.

“Clarke!”

“Where does it hurt?” Clarke said and was over by her side and examined her until Lexa gently pushed her hands away.

“I’m fine,” she said. “I just have a minor burn, nothing to worry about.”

“Where?”

Lexa sighed and pointed towards the edge of her shirt. When Clarke peeled it away and steered one of her hands towards it, she bit her lip so that she would stay still. Even if she technically was fine, it still hurt. Clarke’s hands hovered near the area, but thankfully, didn’t touch it.

Lexa observed Clarke’s facial expression and noted how Clarke clenched and unclenched her jaw, how her eyes flickered around the mark. She noticed how the hands that hovered near her slightly shook, and suddenly she ached to just reach up and hold them to make them stop.

“Alright,” she said and fished up a pair of scissors from her pocket with a wavering voice. “I’ll just cut your shirt off, it’ll be easier that way.”

Lexa nodded, but couldn’t stop the chuckle and the heat rising in her cheeks..

“What?”

“This wasn’t how I imagined you taking my clothes off,” she said with an embarrassed laugh as Clarke’s hands worked to cut open her shirt. At her words, her hands stilled and Clarke looked up into Lexa’s eyes.

“If you want, I can go,” she said softly. “But just know, while you’re still you and I’m still... Right now I am solely focused on your wellbeing and you not being in pain. So I won’t focus on the other part of me. But I can-”

“No,” Lexa said and interrupted her softly. “I get it, it’s fine. You can stay. I want you to stay.”

Clarke softened at her words and proceeded with cutting her shirt open with more controlled and slower motions until she reached her neckline and cut through it, making her t-shirt like a button down. Clarke gently lifted the left part of her shirt over and off of her shoulder and pushed the other side down as well, eyes wandering over her arms so that she would notice other burns before passing them.

The shirt eventually ended up on the floor next to her gear and Clarke grabbed the gown and held it up.

“Arms please,” she said and Lexa chuckled and held them out. “Spin.” She spun around and could feel Clarke’s hands working the strings and fastening them to bows behind her back, securing the backless gown so that she would be covered.

Lexa admired Clarke’s self control. Just feeling her eyes on her skin, feeling how her hands touched her back, how her puffs of breath reached her. By the time she was finished, goosebumps covered the entirety of Lexa’s body and she let out a shuddering breath of her own.

“Now, let’s get you back to bed so that I can take a look at that burn. And put that mask back on.”

“You and that nurse should start a club,” she grumbled as she walked back to her bed, but smiled at the sound of Clarke’s chuckle.

“You know what? We actually already have a club. It’s called ‘ _ Ignore Our Idiotic Patients and Prevent Them From Killing Themselves _ ’.”

“Ha ha.”

But she did as she was told. She went and sat on the edge of the bed and reached for the mask that lay on the covers and put it on with a sigh. She could feel the air filling her nose and mouth instantly and gratefully breathed in, but doing so caused yet another coughing fit.

She held out a hand when she saw a pair of outstretched hands reaching for her.

“I’m fine,” she wheezed out. “I’m fine.”

“You inhaled a lot of smoke, you’re not fine,” Clarke said and held one hand on her shoulder. A cold round object touched her back and Lexa jumped, but Clarke just squeezed her shoulder.

“Ssch, it’s just my stethoscope. Breathe in for me.”

Lexa clamped her mouth shut but did as she was told, breathing in and then out, in and then out before having to cough.

“Well, your breath sounds sound good, but you have to wear the mask.”

Lexa nodded and looked into her eyes. She was still completely taken by how blue they were up close. It was like she was staring up into the sky.

“I’m gonna go and get a light,” Clarke said and took a step back. “I’ll be back, don’t go anywhere.”

“And where would I go?” Lexa chuckled slightly. “I’ll be right here Clarke.”

“Good,” she said and turned around in a haste. 

And if Lexa wasn’t imagining things, she could hear the other girl drawing in a shuddering breath of her own.

//

Clarke nearly stumbled out of Lexa’s room and had to mentally stop herself from running to her office. She slammed the door shut and locked it, something she never did, and took another breath. Her phone was in her hand and pressed to her ear without her really thinking much about who she was calling.

“ _ Clarke? _ ”

“Raven,” she croaked out, with relief flooding her system from hearing her best friend's voice.

“ _ What’s going on? Is Lexa okay? _ ”

“Yeah,” she said and let out a breath. “Yeah no, she’s okay. Could be better, but she’s fine. She’s going to be fine,” she said and pressed a fist into her mouth.

“ _ Clarke, are  _ you _ okay? _ ”

“Yeah I’m-”

“ _ If you say that you’re fine I’m coming over there and kicking your lying ass. _ ”

A laugh bubbled out of her lips and a tear escaped down her cheek. “No, really, I’m okay. I’m just… I don’t know, I don’t know what I feel.”

“ _ Name three things. _ ”

“Relieved,” she said after a breath and she could feel her stuttering heart in her chest. “God, I’m so relieved. Shocked, I think. And uhm, scared?”

“ _ Okay, good. Now, why are you scared? _ ”

“Because it could’ve been worse,” she said in a whisper and pressed her eyes tightly shut. “It could’ve been so much worse. And I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared, I don’t want to have to worry about this again,” she said with a sob. “All of those worries that I had when dad…”

“ _ She’s not him _ ,” she heard Raven say softly into the phone.

“No, she’s not. She’s worse,” she choked out. “She’s got this ‘hero’ thinking practically programmed into her soul, she hasn’t got a kid to think about or  _ any  _ self preservation. She just… She would do anything for anyone, and that scares the living daylight out of me,” she confessed and more tears escaped. “And I’m scared, because how long have I known her for?  _ Barely two weeks _ . It’s not meant to happen this fast. I’m not supposed to feel this this fast. It’s too soon, and I’m scared.”

“ _ Well that’s ridiculous.” _

Clarke, not hearing her, went on. “When I was with Finn, I didn’t feel this way for months. I don’t even know if I felt for him this strongly, ever. But of course I would feel this way because it’s  _ her _ and I’m scared shitless because every time she’s on shift she might not make it back. How can I live with that? Do I even want to live like that?”

“ _ Clarke. _ ”

“But it’s  _ Lexa _ ,” she said with a sob and clutched the phone to her chest as she slid down to the floor. “I don’t know if I can walk away now, but even if I could, I don’t want to. But I also don’t want to become my mom, I mean dad’s death nearly killed her. I can’t even imagine what she went through, but being with Lexa,  _ feeling _ what I feel for her now, I’m so scared that she won’t make it back and I don’t think that that really occurred to me until just thirty minutes ago when I got the page and my heart nearly  _ stopped.  _ I’ve known her for two weeks and my heart nearly stopped when I knew that there might be a possibility where I would’ve had to deal with a much worse-”

“ _ Clarke! _ ” Raven yelled into her ear and Clarke was startled into silence, remembering that Raven was on the other side of the phone. “Listen to me, right now. Lexa’s fine. She’s fine! So stop thinking about the ‘what if’s’ and the ‘might happen’s’! She’s here, she’s still an idiot, and she’s not dead. And you know what?”

“What?”

“ _ I don’t think that Lexa doesn’t have anything to live for, I think she’s got plenty. She’s got her brother, her sister, her dog. And until very recently, she’s got you. And by the look on her face anytime someone mentions your name, she’s going to fight like hell to stay with you for as long as she lives _ .”

“Yeah? You really think so?”

“ _ Yes. Look, where is she now?” _

“Here, in the hospital,” Clarke said and took a shuddering breath.

“ _ Look, she even did that. You’ve got nothing to worry about. _ ”

Clarke nodded, until Raven’s words really hit her. “Wait, what do you mean?”

“ _ About what? _ ”

“About her ‘even staying at the hospital´.”

“ _ Oh _ ,” Raven said and Clarke could  _ see  _ her trying to backtrack. “ _ I’m not sure, it’s just a guess- _ ”

“Spit it out.”

Raven was silent for a beat. “ _ Fine. But don’t go asking her about this, as I said, it’s just a hunch really. _ ”

“Okay, tell me!”

“ _ Before she came here, I saw her name on a transfer file. I knew that she was coming, told Jasper and Roan and he mentioned some stuff. About some of their crazier calls. One time she got this nasty burn, and wouldn't let the paramedics take her to the hospital. She just patched it up and refused, he said. So I looked into her file, and she’s got multiple ‘leaving against medical advice’ papers in there. And there’s something else. _ ”

“Raven, I’m warning you-”

“ _ Geez Griff, I’m getting there. When they brought her out today and loaded her into the ambulance, she was pretty out of it. Not really fully here, but not fully unconscious. When she saw a glance of the ambo, she tried to get off the board, we had to strap her legs in. She kept saying ‘no hospital’. I think, that if she’s there with you now and let herself be admitted to the hospital, that she would do just about anything for you. She stayed behind for a kid she doesn’t know in a burning house without her mask, but she won’t go into a hospital. That’s gotta be telling you something. _ ”

“Hold on,” Clarke said and felt anger rising within her. “She was in there,  _ without her mask on _ ?!”

“ _ Uh oh. _ ”

“Raven.”

“ _ Bye C! _ ” Raven said in a hurry and before Clarke could get any further, the line went dead. She pocketed her phone, wiped her tears away and steered her steps towards Lexa’s room.

//

Lexa was sitting on the bed, blanket wrapped around her shoulders and tried desperately not to think about where it had been before when the door to her room slammed open.

She looked up in bewilderment when Clarke stormed up and came to a stop by the foot of her bed, hands on her hips and looking absolutely furious. Waiting until the door clicked shut was about the longest five seconds of her life.

“Clarke?”

“You went in there,” Clarke breathed out, “ _ without your mask on?! _ ”

Lexa shrunk back a bit, sensing the fury that was directly aimed at Lexa. “Technically I took it off, I would never go in witho-”

“ _ Lexa! _ ” Clarke was shaking with anger radiating from all around her and Lexa could all but strap in for the storm that was about to hit her.

“Look-”

“No, you look,” Clarke said. “I get that you want to save everyone and have this death wish, but I won’t do  _ this  _ if you go around pulling stupid and unnecessary shit like what you just did. You hear me? _ You could have died! _ ”

“Clarke-”

“If you want to be with me, you have to do everything in your power to get out  _ alive _ . You might be willing to sacrifice with dying for strangers, but I’m not willing to go around, wondering whether or not you’re going to come home after each shift.”

Underneath all of her anger Lexa could sense that she was seconds away from breaking, and Lexa felt herself nod. She pulled away the blanket that was covering her legs and crawled over to the edge of the bed, tucking her legs under her so that she came on eye level with Clarke and gently laid her hands on either side of her face.

“You have to promise me,” Clarke said in a strained whisper. “ _ That you’re not going to die on me. _ ”

She closed her eyes and Lexa wiped away a tear that escaped down her cheek. “I promise that I will always come back to you.”

“That’s not the same,” she said and Lexa just hushed her. She got up and gently placed her lips on Clarke’s forehead, then moved her hands and enveloped her in a hug.

“It’s the best promise that I can give you.”

Clarke let out a shuddering breath, but Lexa could feel that she was nodding. Clarke stood motionless by the foot of her bed with Lexa’s arms around her, arms limp by her side. The position that Lexa was in was somewhat awkward, she was half sitting on the bed, holding Clarke over the edge of a hospital bed with a barrier in between them. So she gently pulled her arms away, hopped down from the bed and went around it to where Clarke was standing.

Lexa noticed that Clarke had her eyes clamped shut, her chest quivering with the sobs that she wouldn’t let out and with a jaw so clenched that Lexa worried it might break.

“Clarke,” Lexa said cautiously and took a hold of Clarke’s limp hands. “I’m still here.” She guided her hands so that they were resting atop Lexa’s shoulders and then proceeded with stepping into her space, bringing her own hands and arms to come around Clarke’s midsection. “Feel me. I’m still here. I’m not going anywhere.”

Clarke let out a strangled sob and Lexa could feel how her hands started to move, over her arms, her back, her hair. 

“I’m scared,” she said in a whisper and Lexa kissed her hair over her ear.

“I know.”

She felt how Clarke burrowed into her shoulder and pressed more firmly into Lexa, and felt how she drew in breath after breath of  _ her _ .

Lexa sighed and looked up into the ceiling. Just seeing Clarke on the brink of a breakdown broke her heart, and she hated that she was the reason behind it. Well, she might not be the whole reason, but she was certainly a part of it. She hated that Clarke would probably always feel a little bit like this every time Lexa went on a call. And she hated herself a little more when she realized that it didn’t have to be this way, but the very thought of hanging up her uniform was unthinkable.

They stood there for what felt like an eternity. Lexa stayed with her arms around her until she felt that Clarke’s breathing had evened out and until the hands around her neck weren't gripped in tight fists anymore. 

After a while she smiled when she felt how Clarke started moving her hands through her hair.

“I don’t flatter myself thinking that this reaction is solely because of what happened today. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, I get it. I’m just letting you know that you can tell me.”

She waited a minute, maybe two. Then Clarke’s raspy voice began to fill the room.

“I was sixteen. I was different back then, naive to think I knew anything about the world we live in. I didn’t know what a luxury that was. It was one of the hottest days of the year. I’d had a fight with my dad that morning, about him not being able to give me a ride to school. I was pissed, actually.”

She paused and took another breath before continuing. “I got to school, went about my day and bitched about the world with my friends, per usual. My dad was supposed to pick me up from school that day. He didn’t, I ended up having to walk home since I missed the bus. I was livid,” she said with a laugh. “I think I might’ve scared you. I get home, about to start yelling, but there’s no one there. So I wait. I wait and wait, but nothing. About nine at night, my mom rings. At the first call I didn't pick up, still pissed that they just forgot about me. But then she rings again, and she never did that. I picked up and within the first five seconds, I just knew.”

She takes a deep breath and Lexa could feel how Clarke’s whole body tenses.

“Mom told me to come down to the hospital. I didn’t think, I just ran. I ran and didn’t care that the air burned in my lungs. When I got there, mom just hugged me. She hugged me tight, wouldn’t let go. I knew. When she told me what had happened, I wasn’t surprised. She told me that dad had been in a fire, that it was bad. So she took me up to his room, but she couldn’t go in. I thought that she was being dramatic. I kept thinking,  _ why wouldn’t she go in with me _ ? But when I went in, I almost ran the opposite direction.”

A sob tore through her body and Lexa could just hold her tighter. 

“The person that lay on that bed was so badly burned that it could’ve been anyone. But when I saw the watch he wore on his wrist… I’d known as soon as my mom called me, but knowing is different from seeing. I went to sit by the bed and I didn’t dare to touch him because he looked so fragile. I knew then why my mom didn’t want to come in. It hurt too much. I would’ve done anything to get out of the room, but I couldn’t move.”

“After his death, it was like someone had flipped a switch. Everything changed, me, my mom, the world around us. I used to detest the thought of me becoming a doctor,” she said with a broken laugh. “I wanted to become an artist. But that changed, because it had been dad that taught me how to. When I decided on medical school, mom was thrilled. She thought that I finally had outgrown my childish dream about becoming an artist, but that wasn’t the case. I became a doctor so that I could prevent others from the pain that I felt that day.”

“But getting that page today… It felt like an iron fist gripped my heart and squeezed. Seeing you with  _ burn marks _ , covered in soot from head to toe and barely being able to  _ breathe _ without coughing, it’s like I’m reliving that nightmare all over again, but in slow motion.”

“Hey,” Lexa said and extracted herself from their embrace and took Clarke’s face in between her hands and waited until Clarke’s eyes reached hers. “I know that nothing that I say will ease your worry. But I will do everything in my power to come back to you. That much I can promise.”

Clarke breathed out and nodded. Suddenly Clarke looked about ten years older than yesterday and Lexa felt her heart clench at the sight. She guided Clarke so that she sat on the side of Lexa’s bed, their hands still clenched together.

“Don’t you think that this, whatever this is,” Clarke said and glanced up. “Is really scary?”

“Terrifying,” Lexa breathed out with a laugh.

“I’ve never…”

Lexa just shook her head. “Let’s just take this one day at a time, and see where it’ll take us?”

“That sounds nice,” Clarke breathed out and leaned on Lexa’s shoulder. 

“Clarke?”

“Hm?”

“I don’t know how to describe whatever this is. I just know that nothing has ever felt as right as when I’m with you. It’s almost like…”

“We’ve done this before,” Clarke said and in that moment, even though they were at a hospital, even though Lexa’s throat hurt and it was way too soon for her to be feeling this way, Lexa had never felt more happy than she did right then and there.

After a while, Lexa could feel Clarke sigh.

“I would never willingly move from this place,” Clarke said. “But since you’re not here to just listen to the depths of my heart, I think that it’s time that I actually do what I was planning to do.”

Lexa chuckled as Clarke rose from her spot from the bed. “Dang. And here I thought I’d made you forget all about that stuff.”

“Not a chance,” she said and grabbed a light from her pocket. “Open up please.”

Lexa sighed, made a grimace, but did as she was told. She let Clarke poke and prod her with the light, made all kinds of weird sounds to test out her vocal cords, and then Clarke wheeled in this large looking scary machine into the room which made Lexa shrink back in the bed.

“Lexa,” Clarke said with some amusement and sat down on the bed next to her. “This is just an EKG machine, it’s nothing to be afraid of.”

“I know,” Lexa said stubbornly but eyed the machine.

“Then you wouldn’t mind me placing some electrodes on you, right?”

Lexa shook her head, but clenched her jaw together. 

“Lexa,” Clarke said with a small laugh and gently placed a hand on Lexa’s foot underneath the blanket. “What’s up?”

“Nothing.”

“Really?”

Lexa shook her head.

“Alright then, please take your gown off.”

“Sorry?”

“Your gown, it needs to be taken off. Some of the electrodes have to go on your chest.”

“I’m-” she said but stopped herself.  _ Oh what the hell.  _ She reached behind her back and undid the bows that Clarke had made earlier and shrugged the hospital gown off, then brought her hands up to cover her chest. She did still have her bra on, but still. This was  _ Clarke _ .

“It’s okay,” Clarke said and held out her hand. When Lexa hesitated, Clarke sighed softly and scooted closer. “It’s just me and you here. And I promise that my sole focus will be on the monitor over there,” she said and pointed towards the machine. Here’s what I’ll do. I’ll, very quickly, place all of the electrodes onto your chest, wrists and ankles, connect the wires and then I’m going to push on some buttons on the machine, and then it’ll do the rest. You won’t feel a thing. And then it’ll be over. Okay?”

“Yeah,” Lexa said and took her hand. “It’s just… It’s a little weird, that’s all.”

“And I meant what I said earlier. I’m not looking, really. But I can still go and get someone else. I do get that it’s… A lot.”

Lexa drew in a breath but shook her head. “No, I trust you. And…”

“And?” Lexa blew out the breath and looked away. 

“And I… I feel better, when you’re here. And I don’t mean that I feel hurt or ill or something like that, I just feel better.”

When Clarke didn’t say anything Lexa glanced in her direction, and seeing the look on Clarke’s face told Lexa all that she needed to know. Clarke felt the same.

After a moment Lexa nodded and tried to relax just a little bit and scooted down so that she was laying against the pillow. “Alright, Dr Griffin,” she said. “I’m all yours.”

Clarke chuckled, but got to work. She was fast, Lexa had to admit that. But that didn’t change the fact that feeling Clarke’s hands skim over her bare skin, feeling the ghost like touch over her ribs and shoulders, her hips and feet, made it feel like her skin was on fire. She tried to take deep and controlled breaths, but that only seemed to speed up her heart faster. 

And knowing that Clarke soon would be able to see her extremely elevated heart rate on a screen was in no way embarrassing, not at all…

“Just relax, you’re fine,” Clarke said when she looked at the screen and saw how jumpy her pulse was.

“I know that Clarke,” Lexa said and swallowed. “That’s not the reason.”

Clarke looked at her then, and  _ blushed _ . “Oh,” she said and looked hastily back at the screen. “Tell me something.”

“Like what?”

“Tell me… Tell me about Costia,” Clarke said and kept her eyes at the monitor. “Where’s she now?”

“She’s in Boston,” Lexa said and looked up at the ceiling. “She’s there, married to the love of her life with two munchkins.”

“What’s their names?”

“Alexander and Ofelia,” Lexa said and smiled just thinking about them. “Alexander’s the oldest, Ofelia just turned three. Cos used to live in New York, that’s where she met Luna. She’s a peds doc, Luna is a neurosurgeon. They met at the hospital and fell in love,” she smiled and chuckled. “I always admired Cos for that. For being able to fall in love, after what she went through. She always told me, ‘ _ just wait’ _ . And I always hated it when she said that after I turned twenty. I always thought,  _ if it was meant to be it would’ve happened already. _ ” She glanced Clarke’s way and noticed how she’d stilled. And suddenly, Lexa felt calmer than she had in hours.

“She was right,” she said softly.

Clarke seemed to wait a beat, for Lexa to say something else, but she didn’t feel the need to.

Clarke cleared her thought and ran the EKG again, and this time it went without a hitch. “Alright, I uh-” she said and whirled around. “I think that did it.” She seemed a bit jumpy to Lexa, but who could blame her? Lexa had practically told her that she’d fallen in love with her. Lexa chuckled, she would have done just about anything to see an EKG read on  _ her  _ right now.

“I’ll just get these off of you,” Clarke said and started to disconnect all of the wires, and before Lexa could protest, Clarke was wheeling the machine out of the room, and softly closing the door behind her, leaving Lexa gownless on the bed with all of the electrodes still attached to her skin.

About two hours later Lexa lay underneath the blanket, lazily watching some comedy show after finally having found the remote to the TV when the door banged open, causing Lexa to jump about a foot in the air.

In strode Anya, and on her heels, Lincoln. 

_ Uh oh. _

“Hey guys,” Lexa said and scooted to an upright position in the bed and cursed her voice for still sounding hoarse.

“Would you care to tell me,” Anya said with an icy tone, “ _W_ _ hy  _ you’re in a hospital and didn’t  _ notify us _ ?”

“Uhm-”

“Because I happen to know that you knew that I was here,” Anya went on and walked to the foot of the bed with her hands on her hips, looking eerie like what Clarke had looked like just hours before. “And I would think that  _ not  _ telling your dear sister and brother, who are a mere phone call away, when you nearly  _ die  _ is about the biggest mistake that you can make. What about you Linc?”

“Agreed,” he said in the same icy voice.

Lexa rolled her eyes and stuck her chin out. “Look, guys, I didn’t call you because I’m-”

“Oh, you’re fine now, are you?” Anya said and pointed a finger at her. “So fine that you landed yourself stuck in a hospital bed?”

“Well-”

“And it sounds like you’ve smoked an entire pack of cigarettes. Smells like it too.”

“Anya-”

“No,  _ brat _ , you don’t get to ‘ _ Anya _ ’ me! Haven’t we been through enough? First it was you running after dad, which could’ve gotten you killed, then it was you finding mom, which had you locked in your room for weeks and I worried that I might walk in on you dead, then you dropped your law career and became a firefighter, which could still kill you, and now you don’t call when you nearly  _ die _ ?! Dammit Lexa, do I have to worry about you  _ every second of every day _ ?”

That shut her up. The look in Anya’s eyes… They looked haunted, Lexa realized, just as haunted as hers were. All Lexa could do was open and close her mouth, not sure of what to say, or what she even could say.

“Look,” Lincoln said and stepped towards Anya. “I think what Anya is trying to say is that, you really worried us, Lexa. Please, next time, just call us?”

Lexa felt herself nodding. “Yeah, next time I’ll call.”

“You better, kid,” Anya said and stepped around the bed, reached for Lexa and pulled her into a crushing hug. “Or so help me God I’ll come down here and kill you myself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was a rather explosive clexa chapter, but I feel like I have to warn you guys, the next one... That's even better ;)
> 
> Thank you for all of the love, I LOVE reading the comments and seeing the kudos, they make my day!


	14. Spit it Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaand it's Wednesday which means, another chapter!!! Wohooo!
> 
> Hope y'all like this one, now the story really picks up!!

Lexa gets to go home in the morning.

She nearly did cartwheels out of there, but she had to ride a wheelchair. She, Lexa, who could easily carry a full grown man over her shoulders, had to ride in a  _ wheelchair _ . 

“It’s just hospital policy Lexa,” Clarke laughed as she wheeled her down the halls towards the hospital doors. 

Lexa sat in her turnout gear since those were the only clothes that she had and Anya, who was an ass, hadn’t brought any since ‘ _ well, you didn’t call and tell me to bring any, so why should I? _ ’ So, Lexa sat in her turnout gear with her arms crossed over her chest with a pout on her face and getting very weird looks from all around.

Clarke just chuckled and kept wheeling her until she came to a stop by the doors and Lexa nearly flew out of the seat. Seeing nature outside of those doors, it was like greeting freedom again. She sighed in happiness.

“Well,” Clarke said. “I guess that you’re free of this place.”

Lexa turned around with a smile she suspected stretched from ear to ear. “I mean this in the best possible way,  _ thank God _ .”

Clarke laughed and Lexa, as if drawn by the sound of her laugh, automatically stepped closer to her. Clarke sighed in content and put her arms around Lexa’s neck and leaned her forehead against hers.

“Thank you,” Clarke said softly.

“For what? Being a lousy patient?”

“For staying.”

“I suspect,” Lexa said and brought her lips to rest on the top of Clarke’s head, which in this moment felt more intimate, more real than anything else. “That if you’re the one asking the question, my answer will always be yes.”

Lexa knew that she echoed Clarke’s earlier statement, but in this moment, she knew that those words were true. Clarke drew in a shaky breath, nodded, and held on tighter.

“Are you still free tonight?” Lexa asked and heard Clarke chuckle.

“Lexa, you almost died and spent the night in a hospital, I’m sure we can push it a night or two.”

“But I’m fine. Besides, you won’t be able to see it any other night.”

“See what?” Clarke said with curiosity and stepped back so she’d be able to look up on Lexa’s face.

“It’s a surprise,” Lexa mused and stepped back towards the doors. “Be ready at seven. Bring something warm.”

“You’re very puzzling sometimes, you know that right?”

Lexa just laughed in response. “I’ll see you tonight.”

Anya stood with her car outside the doors and had her window rolled down with her arm resting on the door frame. When Lexa stepped out Anya just rolled her eyes.

“What?” Lexa said and opened the door.

“Nothing. Just admiring your outfit, that’s all.”

“Oh yeah? And who’s fault is that?”

Anya just grinned. “Maybe Octavia has something for you to borrow.”

“Octavia?” Lexa said, paused, and looked around. “Wait, where’s Parker? I thought you said that you would bring him with.”

“I did say that, I did not, however, say when I would be picking him up.”

“Huh?”

“We need to talk,” Anya said and looked straight ahead. “All three of us.”

“Anya, what’s up?”

“I’ll explain everything in just about five minutes, can you just hold on?”

“Fine, geez,” Lexa muttered and stared out the window. “You’re starting to freak me out.”

“Believe me,” Anya muttered and tightened her grip around the steering wheel. “You should be.”

Lexa looked over at her and tried to decipher Anya’s mood. She wasn’t usually this… Serious? She was always ready with some comeback or lame joke or whatever, it was usually Lexa who took on the serious sibling role.

They drove up in silence to Lincoln’s and got out the car, and Lexa eyed Anya suspiciously when she brought out a very large file with her from the backseat.

“Will you just go inside?”

Lexa held up her hands in surrender and steered her steps towards the door. But Anya’s mood had her extremely on edge. If Anya hadn’t come here just to visit, if she hadn’t taken any time off from work, and she brought a file over…

Lexa’s heart started to hammer in her chest, but she kept on walking. She knocked twice on Lincoln's door before opening it and stepping inside, slipping out of her heavy boots and walked into the kitchen. Lincoln was already seated, a mug of steaming hot coffee placed in front of him in which he slowly stirred with a spoon. His expression was ashen.

“Guys,” Lexa said and slowly sat down opposite Lincoln. “What’s going on?”

Lincoln looked up to meet her eyes, but what Lexa saw in his eyes wasn’t him. He wore the same stricken, shocked and terrified look he wore when he was five. Lexa could feel how her breathing started getting more laboured, her heart was pounding in her chest and her whole body tensed up, but she could do nothing. She couldn’t get up, she couldn’t run away. She couldn’t even undo the tight grip she had with her fist around the table.

“Lexa,” Anya said and sat down next to her. “Before I tell you what’s in this file, I want you to know something.”

“What?” She said and somewhere in the back of her mind a bell rang. It was the same clear and controlled voice she’d used when she’d found Costia.

“That we’re here,” Anya said and laid her hand atop Lexa’s. “That we’re here and we’re going to figure this out. You’re not alone in this.”

“Anya, just tell me.”

Anya sighed and looked over at Lincoln who nodded. As Anya was opening the folder, she felt Lincoln’s hand close around hers. She looked over and he had his jaw clenched, but his eyes set.

“As you know Lexa, I work with the FBI in Chicago investigating patterned crimes. That means that I’m the one someone would call if, say, someone were to discover that there was a connection between two incidents across state borders.” Lexa nodded.

“Over the last five years, I have been investigating a string of what we think is the work of a new serial killer. Over those five years I have come across nine victim’s, all with the same events happening to them. And, until recently, I have had no idea what his patterns were except for their age and features.There was no evidence connecting the murders together other than that, no shared hometown, no shared ex boyfriend, nothing. ”

Anya slid a photo over.

“Until I noticed this.”

Lexa looked down. 

She recognized that photo.

She was the one who took it.

_ I understand,  _ Lexa thought and closed her eyes for a second before opening them again.  _ I do understand but I don’t want to understand. _

“This is the one that I sent to you, Anya,” Lexa said in a hollow voice and looked up at her. “I took this.”

“Yes, you did. As soon as I went to the crime scene and saw the location, I knew that I’d seen it before. I knew that it had to have come from you because you are the only one that I know that travels for hours just to take pictures of nature. So I went to your website and looked through your photos until I found it. But I didn’t just find that photo.”

“Anya,” Lexa said and let go of their hands, bringing them up to cover her eyes. She breathed out and clenched her eyes shut, shutting out the world around her. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that after five years of endless research, I finally found a pattern.”

“No,” Lexa said in a strangled voice.

“Lexa I know that this is hard as hell, but I have to say all of this.”

Lexa took a deep breath, held it before forcing it out between her clenched teeth. She nodded and took her hands away. 

“Your site was the connection. By looking over every photo you’d posted I could not only connect all of those nine, but I could also find evidence of sixteen other girls. Sixteen girls, all roughly the same age, all with the same features and all of them at different sites that  _ you  _ visited and posted a photo of.”

Lexa was going to be sick.

“There’s more.”

“How can it be more than  _ this _ ?” Lexa said.

“All of the girls had signs of dehydration, all had their hands and feet tied with rope, all of them were left without clothes on, all of them raped. And all of them were strangled to death.”

“But,” Lexa said and looked between the two of them. “But that’s-”

“We know,” Lincoln said and looked up. “That’s the same things our father did.”

Lexa couldn’t hold it in any longer. She got up so fast that the chair hit the floor and raced over to the sink and emptied her stomach’s continents. She heaved until there was nothing left but bile and let out a sob. She gripped the sink with a death grip, tethering herself to here and now.

“This can’t be happening,” she wheezed out and squeezed her eyes shut. “ _ This can’t be happening. _ ”

“I reached out to the prison that dad’s in,” Anya said from behind Lexa, and she jumped. She hadn’t heard her come up from behind her, but when she registered her voice she also registered the hands that were holding back her hair. Anya forced her hands off of the counter and guided her back to the table and put a glass of water in front of her.

“Apparently he’s been writing to someone. Like a pen pal, of some sorts. Letters aren’t searched by the guards so they didn’t know the contents of the letters. All they could confirm is that this pen pal ordeal has been going on for seven years. It lines up.

“In this folder I have pictures of all of the girls, all twenty five, that I believe are the work of a copycat that wants to carry on with our father’s legacy.”

“Legacy?”

“Yes, legacy. These people don’t think like normal people, Lex. They think that Titus Forest was interrupted when doing an act of God or some shit like that. It isn’t unusual that copycats are discovered, it just takes us some time to make the connection since their technique is always somewhat different. For instance, this killer that we’re dealing with now, he leaves his victim’s out in the woods, always making sure that it’s within a frame of your photos, while our dad buried them around his cabin.”

“So, you’re saying that someone’s out there, right now, looking through my website, picking out random sites that I’ve posted about and just takes a girl and murders her in the name of my father?”

“Not exactly,” Anya said, but Lincoln holds up a hand.

“Anya, isn’t this enough?”

Anya looked at him. “I know this isn’t easy for any of us, but she needs to hear this.”

“There’s more?”

“She’s been through enough, dammit!” Lincoln said and Lexa flinched when he slammed his fist against the table. She looked over with worried eyes, but in his, his fear was exchanged for concern. She could see that whatever that was about to come was, if possible, worse.

Anya stayed silent for about a minute, but instead of shouting at him like she usually did, when she opened her mouth only controlled words came out, selected to hit hard.

“I know. Life’s not fair, but she’s  _ alive _ . If you want her to stay that way, I have to continue.”

They did their work. Lincoln hung his head and Lexa felt as an icy hand gripped her heart.

“All the girls that were murdered, they all were around the same age as you when they were murdered. All of them had brown hair, all of them had green eyes. All of them between 5 feet four inches and five feet six inches. I believe that this copycat, that has been communicating with our father, has a goal. I believe that he’s trying to hone his skills in order to perform his ultimate goal flawlessly. To kill the little girl who put a stop to one of the country's most notorious serial killers.

“He’s training to kill  _ you _ , Lexa.”

Lexa stayed silent. It was as if someone had put her surroundings on mute. Her eyes were trained on some point over Lincoln’s shoulder, frozen in place. It felt as if the ground was crumbling around her, pulling her in. She could hear their muffled voices, feel their touches, but she couldn’t muster up any strength to respond. This was all just too much. This was all supposed to be in the past. It was like tearing up an old scar, reliving a nightmare much worse than she’d ever experienced. She could feel her body trying and failing to process the information. How her heart pounded in her chest, how her lungs tried to expand but were constricted by her ribs. How her mind kept bringing her back to those dark woods, alone and scared in the dark.

Alone with her father in the dark.

She felt her mind alternating between those woods, and other forests. Instead of beautiful views being captured by her camera, she found herself taking her hand off of the release button and seeing a faceless man standing in the shot.

And the woman laying at his feet wasn't one of the thirty seven women this time.

It was her.

And then everything went black.

//

Lexa sat on one of the swings, eyes following Parker as he and Chewy played in the backyard and tried not to think.

Every time she did think, all she could see was horrible images flashing by her eyes. She’d forced Anya to show her all of the pictures that she’d brought of the women. It was the least she could do since she was the one who got them killed.

_ It’s not your fault, _ a voice whispered in her mind.

The hell it was.

In some strange, horrible and twisted way, she was the reason why they were all dead. She might not have done the actual killing, but they had been captured because they looked like  _ her. _

How could she  _ not  _ think about them?

She kicked at the ground and swung back and forth. Just when she thought this nightmare was coming to an end, just when she thought she could actually get past what happened all of those years ago and finally find happiness, of course someone would come along and tear up her whole life. 

She noticed Octavia in the corner of her eye and sighed. “I’m fine,” she said loud enough for Octavia to hear.

“Like hell you are.”

“Well what do you want me to say?”

She came and sat beside her on the other swing and sat in silence for a while. “Look, I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Don’t want to. But at the same time, we can’t ignore this.”

“Is that what you think I’m doing, ignoring it?” Lexa’s voice came out flat, dead. Almost sounding like she felt inside.

“You’ve been sitting out here for an hour,” Octavia said. “I don’t think you’re ignoring it. I think you’re drowning in it.”

Lexa glanced her way before looking down on her shoes and took a shuddering breath. 

“I don’t get it fully, but I get it enough. And if I were to take a best guess about what you’re thinking, it’s that it's your fault. And I’m here to tell you that it’s not.”

“How would you feel?” Lexa said with an added edge. “Anyone ever killed twenty five look-alikes of you?”

“No,” Octavia said. “But I do know that you think like that, even as a seven year old.”

“What?”

“My mom was with you that day, do you remember?”

“You mean if I still remember the worst night and day of my life?”

“Sorry. After everyone read that article that you wrote, I remember her just sighing and putting the article aside. I asked her why, and she’d just smiled this sad smile and said ‘ _ She still carries it all. _ ’ At first I had no idea what she was saying, but after reading it again, your choice of words… It’s like you’re shouldering all of this weight that really only should be carried by your father. When I first met you, years after it was written, I could still see it.”

“See what exactly?”

“The guilt you carry.”

Lexa breathed out a breath and closed her eyes. “Someone’s got to.”

“No,” Octavia said gently. “That’s not your job. Feeling guilty about something that you didn’t know, that’s not doing anyone, and certainly not you, any good.”

“But it was right there. I was right there,” she whispered. “Both the shed, and now this?”

“I know that this all sucks, but you didn’t know. How could you have?”

“Every time I was out there in those woods, playing, someone was out there, dying. And every time I was out in those parks I was essentially choosing another one of his victim’s burial ground.”

“And again,  _ you didn’t know. _ ”

She opened her eyes when she felt Parker’s head coming to rest on her knees. She looked into his understanding eyes and sucked in air in her lungs. “No I didn’t know. But since he doesn’t feel the guilt, I have to. All of these women who now have died, who’s taking responsibility for their deaths? Not my father, certainly not the one who’s doing the killing now. Why not me? I found Cos, I could’ve found the others.”

“Fine. Absolutely yes, you could have found the others. But if you could, so could I.”

“Octavia-”

“No. Lexa, how many times did we play out in those woods, huh? You, me and Anya. We were out there so many times, so if you can think these thoughts, why can’t I?”

“Because it’s my father who did it!”

“What does it matter? What does it matter who did it, all that matters is that someone was doing it! We were both out there, it could’ve just as easily have been me who found that girl! It could’ve been me, Anya, Lincoln, your mom! Would you have blamed them?”

Lexa was silent but Octavia pressed on.

“Would you have blamed me if I had found Costia but not the others?”

“No,” Lexa said through her clenched teeth.

“Sorry?”

“No!” Lexa said louder, causing Parker to lift his head.

“Well there you have it!” Octavia said with the same tone and volume. “Why should you blame yourself if you wouldn’t blame any of us for the exact same thing?”

“I…” Lexa said but no words came out. “I don’t know, okay? I don’t know. All I know is that every time I close my eyes, in every dream and in the faces around me, I see theirs! I see all of the thirty seven women that my dad killed, and now I get to add twenty five women to that pile, but now all of them look exactly like  _ me _ !”

“Lexa,” Octavia said and got up and stood in front of her. She put her hands atop Lexa’s shoulders. “It’s okay to mourn them. It’s okay to think about them from time to time. Just don’t let the grief turn into guilt. It won’t do them any good, and it sure as hell won’t do you any good.”

Lexa hung her head and Octavia pulled her into a hug. She hugged her and just held her for a few minutes before Lexa felt a sigh work its way out of her mouth.

“What?”

“I hate that you’re so good at reading people,” Octavia grumbled. She squeezed Lexa’s shoulders one more time before letting go. “Fine. I have a question, and I don’t know how you’re going to take it.”

“What?” She repeated.

“What will you do about Clarke?”

Lexa closed her eyes and felt a pang to her chest. She’d been waiting for that, not wanting to deal with reality. She sat down on the swing again.

“I don’t know,” she said and put her head in her hands.

“I’m not saying I love the situation. But Clarke’s pretty tough. You should let her make that decision.”

Lexa couldn’t believe her ears. “I’m sorry,” she said and looked up, staring at Octavia. “You’ve just found out that a serial killer is after me and will probably hurt a lot of people on the way to get to me. And you want me to even let Clarke think that still seeing me is an option?”

“Oh believe me, I would be happy to tell you that you could never see Clarke again. But since I know Clarke, I know that she would ignore anything I say or do in the matter. Hell, I wouldn’t even be surprised if she ignored what you said if you were to tell her that you couldn’t see her anymore. Clarke sometimes does stupid things for the people she cares the most for.”

Lexa swallowed down a lump the size of an apple down her throat. “But if I wouldn’t want her to, what then?”

“Well,” Octavia said with a chuckle. “I don’t think you’ve got a choice in the matter.”

Lexa sighed.

//

Clarke had just gotten out of the shower when her phone buzzed. She took a step towards the noise, but since she’d just left her phone under the pile of clothes she’d just dumped from getting it from the dryer, it took some time to dig it out. She cursed and just proceeded with dumping all of her clean clothes down on the floor in order to find the thing. She picked it up when it fell from the bed out of a shirt it had succeeded to slip into.

_ 14:28 _

**_Hey. We need to talk. Any chance you can meet me at my house? I’ve given the crew the day off. I have both coffee and beer, feel free to come whenever suits you the best. - Lexa_ **

Clarke read the message at least five times before typing out a quick sure and putting her phone down. She sat down on the bed and felt how her heart sank in her chest.

How is it that things suddenly felt like they were falling apart? They hadn’t even begun yet. So Clarke began moving on autopilot. She put on the clothes, but different ones that she had picked out. She had laid on the bed her faded dark jeans, a light blue blouse and a very soft sweater, but now she just pulled on the jeans, because jeans were just jeans after all, but opted for a simple old and soft t-shirt. Something told her that whatever she was about to walk into wouldn’t be pleasant.

She dried her hair and left a note to Raven, telling her where she’d gone and then drove the way towards Lexa’s house in silence.

She hoped Lexa didn’t think that she would give up whatever they had easily, if that was what was currently her plan. She really didn’t know what to expect, but her text hadn’t exactly been normal.

And since when is ‘ _ we need to talk _ ’ an indicator for a normal happy conversation?

She drove up the winding road to Lexa’s house and had to marvel over the beauty surrounding her. She almost never drove up here since she lived on the other side of town, but this place almost seemed magical. She sighed. Almost as magical as Lexa.

But when she drove up to the house, she chuckled a bit and shook her head.

This house just screamed Lexa. It was secluded, unique and so rare, with its beautiful structure and charming colors. She even smelled the garden from where she sat in the car so she could only imagine what it must look like. Clarke felt just a little pang of sadness spark in her chest. 

It had to be lonely, living here all by herself in the middle of a forest.

Beautiful yes, but who would she talk to?

Clarke took a deep breath and forced herself to open up the door and greet whatever was about to happen. 

She walked up to the front door and, again, marvelled over its beauty. It was an old oak door which someone had painted black a long time ago. Around it and all around the house grew ivy, clinging to the house bricks and forming almost a shield around the house. 

Almost like the bubble that Lexa had around herself, but visible.

Clarke knocked on the door and smiled at the sound of paws racing to the door.

“ _ Parker, sit, _ ” She heard Lexa say before the door opened, and Clarke felt herself smile when seeing her.

“Hi,” Clarke breathed out and shifted her gaze to Parker whose tail was thumping loudly against the floor. “And hello to you too.”

He let out a whine and glanced up at Lexa and then back at Clarke, almost as if was saying ‘ _ Please mom, please let me go and say hi? _ ’ But he stayed put until Lexa gave the command, then he all but flew up and danced around Clarke.

She laughed when he licked her cheek as she bent down.

After she’d given him some pats and let him dance around her a few times, Clarke glanced up at Lexa again. She had a soft smile placed upon her lips, but Clarke could see that that was solely because of what was happening right this minute. She could see the dark rings around her eyes, how pale she looked and how haunted her eyes looked. Clarke took a step forward and met her eyes.

“Lexa,” Clarke said with a concerned voice. “What’s going on? Are you okay?”

Lexa just looked at her and she could almost hear all of Lexa’s inner turmoil. Instead Lexa just shook her head and motioned for Clarke to come inside. She led the way into the kitchen and Clarke could see the tension in the way she walked. Yesterday, even at the hospital she was relaxed. This stiffness… 

“Lexa you’re starting to scare me,” Clarke said and rounded her when she stopped. She took Lexa’s hand and nudged her chin up with the other, bringing Lexa’s eyes up to meet hers.

“Whatever it is, it’ll be okay.”

“No,” she breathed out and Clarke hated how broken she sounded. “No, it won’t.”

“Will you tell me what’s going on so that I know what’s not okay?”

Lexa’s lip quivered but nodded and led Clarke out to the porch where she sat down in one of the lounge chairs. Clarke pushed hers so that it was placed directly in front of Lexa’s and took both of her hands and rubbed gentle circles into her hands.

“Tell me what’s bothering you, and we’ll figure it out.”

Lexa breathed out a shaky breath. “I don’t know where to start,” she said.

“Take your time.”

Clarke sat by her side and just held her hands, not moving, not talking, not trying to reassure her of anything for what felt like an eternity. But Clarke knew that forcing this out wouldn’t result in anything good, so letting Lexa take her time with this was something that Clarke could give her. She was just focusing on the trembling girl in front of her and could only offer her comfort and silence.

“I told you about my past,” she began and Clarke hated how hoarse and hollow her voice sounded. “And you know what he did. That he kidnapped innocent girls from various places such as the jogging trail, parking lots, outside colleges at night. How he brought them to that shed in the woods, where he-”

“Lexa, I know what he did. You don’t have to explain, I know.”

“Right. And you know that I’ve had to change my name in order to have a normal life where I don’t get harassed by paparazzi or have masses of people yelling names after me and my family, because of what my father did.”

“Yes, I know that,” Clarke whispered and bent down to kiss her hand.

“Did you see Anya yesterday?”

Clarke nodded. “She was the woman that Lincoln walked in with, right? I did see them, I didn’t stop by and say hello because she looked… Well,” she said and stopped there.

“Yeah, Anya has a tendency to get pissed off,” Lexa said with a humorless chuckle. “Anya works for the FBI, so I guess that that comes in handy. But another thing about Anya is that she never takes any time off from work. She’s never been to visit Lincoln before,” Lexa said and sighed.

Clarke was now getting to the point of actual worry.

“After I got home from the hospital she got really weird. Anya’s usually never so serious, when asked about that she just scoffs and says that we’ve lived through enough for her to be serious about anything. She tells me at least once a day when we’re together to ‘lighten up’. But today… Today there were no jokes, no comments about my seriousness or lack of social interactions.

“She had a folder with her,” Lexa said in a wavering voice and Clarke squeezed her hands.

“I’m here,” Clarke murmured.

She let out a shuddering breath before continuing. “She’s been investigating a string of murders for a few years. Young girls, bound, raped and strangled. Left out for anyone to find,” she said and Clarke flinched at the image that appeared in front of her eyes. “Anya hadn’t made a connection except for the similar series of events that happened to them while the crime took place. But now…”

Lexa looked up into Clarke’s eyes and it was almost like Clarke could see the hurt she was experiencing. Someone once told her that the eyes were the window to one's soul, she hadn’t quite grasped it until this very moment.

“One of the bodies, one of the women, was discovered in a park in Illinois. Anya recognized the place because I had once been there when I visited her in Chicago. She wasn’t really sure, couldn’t be sure that it was the same place, but she went to my website and looked over the photos that I had posted from that place and asked me to send over everything that I had. And when she went through my website, the park in Illinois wasn’t the only connection to her case that she made.

“Anya couldn’t only connect her nine victim’s, but could find evidence of twenty five women in total,” Lexa said and closed her eyes. “Twenty five girls, all placed in a location of which I have taken a photo of and posted about. So not only am I the one that practically chose his burial site, I’m also the one…”

Clarke blinked and looked down on Lexa’s shaking form. “You’re also then one that what?”

“They look like me,” she heard Lexa say in a devastating voice and Clarke could feel hot tears land on her hands. Her head was still bowed so all Clarke could do was lean forward and press a kiss on the top of her head.

“What do you mean?”

“Anya figured out everything, after five years of knowing close to nothing she now knows everything. My  _ father _ ,” Lexa said and nearly spit out the word through clenched teeth. “Has gotten himself a pen pal and their correspondence started around seven years ago. The guards never searched them, since letters are allowed, but now Anya suspects that in these letters my father has described how he’s performed his crimes in order for this other person to take over. Only this copycat, as Anya calls him, isn't just choosing his victim’s at random, or where he puts them afterwards. He’s choosing girls that are my age, with my appearance and my physique. And he puts them where I’ve been, making a once beautiful place something ugly and horrid.”

Clarke could barely take in what she was hearing. It all sounded so unreal, almost like something out of a horror show or a crime series she’d watched on TV with Raven.

“So what you’re saying,” Clarke said. “Is that there is a psychopath out there right now, choosing a girl which resembles you, kills her using your father’s methods, and then leaves her in one of your shots?”

Lexa lets out a shuddering breath and nods.

“And you only just today found this out?” A nod again.

“Does Lincoln know?”

“Yeah,” she rasped out. “Anya, Lincoln and Octavia. You,” she said and glanced up. Her eyes were pink with unshed tears lingering in the corners and Clarke’s heart clenched at the sight. She released Lexa’s hands and brought them to rest on either side of her face.

“I know that this must be scary as hell,” she said and somehow managed to keep her voice calm. “But just know, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Clarke, what if-”

“No,” she said and shook her head. 

“But I can’t-”

“I’m here.”

“I don’t want you to get hurt because of me,” she said and another tear rolled down her cheek. “I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”

“I’m  _ not  _ going anywhere,” Clarke said and emphasized every word. “I mean it. You’re stuck with me, even if you want to or not.”

Then she did something that might’ve been stupid.

It certainly didn’t make things easier.

She leaned forward and captured Lexa’s soft lips with her own, gently pressing them together and sighed in content when something just clicked inside of her. This is where she belonged. She caressed Lexa’s cheek with one hand and brought the other one to rest by the side of her neck.

_ I’m home. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BOOM. Mic Drop. (please don't kill me for hurting our bean). What do y'all think of the plot twist? The ending???
> 
> Stay safe everyone!


	15. Stargazing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I do feel bad for making Lexa's life even more miserable, I love when Clarke gets all protective. It's like the roles are reversed or something and I'm LIVING for it!
> 
> Thanks guys for all of the comments on the last chapter, it's sooo much fun to read your thoughts and taking part of your guesses! Keep 'em coming!
> 
> With that said, I realize that this is a shorter chapter than what I normally post, so that's why I'm dropping an extra chapter later this week! But for now, sit back, relax and enjoy the fluff! ;)

When Clarke’s lips touched Lexa’s, it was like someone had set off fireworks within her. Her lips were so soft, moving so carefully yet so purposely against her own. Lexa tilted her head a bit to adjust the angle, making Clarke sigh softly and Lexa knew that she would do anything and everything to hear Clarke make that sound again. When Clarke gently pulled at the baby hairs at the base of her neck, Lexa couldn’t stop the quiet whimper that escaped her lips. She could feel how Clarke  _ smiled  _ against her own, and that’s when Lexa’s fully realized what was happening. 

She was kissing Clarke Griffin.

Just the thought of it made almost all of her worry go out the window and a quiet sigh worked its way up and out of her lips and she felt herself lean into the kiss and just  _ be _ .

But all too soon Clarke pulled back and Lexa nearly whined at the loss of contact. She didn’t realize it before, but her cheeks were now wet with tears and her hands, which had a mind of their own apparently, had gripped the front of Clarke’s shirt. So when Clarke tried to back away some, Lexa’s hands tightened and made her stay put, leaning her forehead against Clarke’s own.

“Woah,” Clarke said with a quivering voice.

“Yeah,” Lexa said and breathed in her scent. She smelled like newly picked flowers, maybe roses or lilies? Either way, she smelled much better than she imagined herself doing.

“Well, that settles it,” she said and hummed. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Lexa chuckled before letting it die, sighing and leaned in further. “This could get ugly. This guy that’s out there, he’s literally killed  _ twenty five women _ just to make sure that when the time comes, he can kill me. Before he gets to me he might get to you. If that happened, I wouldn’t know what to do,” she said and closed her eyes, voice cracking at the end.

“You won’t have to find out,” Clarke said and one of her hands that was against the back of Lexa’s neck started doing these small circles that almost drew a sigh from her. “I’ll be careful. We’ll be careful. All I know is that if I’m with you, we can do anything. Even survive a serial killer.”

Lexa sighed. “You make it sound so easy.”

“Trust me, it’s all fake,” Clarke said and Lexa snorted. “I’ll realize this more fully in a few days, then I’ll come and bang on your door, and you’re going to be the one who gets to comfort me. But for now, while this still is new and unprocessed, let me just take care of you.”

“I can’t promise that I’ll be any good company,” Lexa mumbled and closed her eyes. “I can’t even promise to keep it together.”

“Lexa, I’m not someone you need to keep yourself together for, okay? I’m here, and you can fall apart, you can cry and you can let it all out, we’ll do all of those things together. And when you feel like you want to start to build yourself back up again, we’ll do that together too. I’m here because I want  _ you _ , all of you. Not just the put together part of you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Lexa felt a smile forming on her lips and suddenly it felt as if a weight was lifted off of her shoulders.

“Whatever this is, we’ll figure it out together and we’ll get through it together. And both of us are going to get to the other side of this, stronger than ever before, and we’re going to be  _ together _ during all of it.”

“Together, huh?” Lexa said and nudged Clarke with her knee.

“Well duh,” she answered like it was a fact and nudged her knee right back, almost as if Lexa had asked about if the sun was out. Lexa felt the smile grow.

“So do I get to call you my girlfriend?”

Clarke let out a laugh and Lexa could only sit and watch how beautiful she looked, and how her laugh sounded as an angel’s.

“Yes Lexa,” Clarke said and looked at her with a smile before leaning forward again, capturing her lips this time with less delicacy and more determination. 

_ She’s showing me that she’s sure about this,  _ Lexa thought and gripped Clarke’s shirt more tightly with her hands.  _ She’s showing me that she means it _ .

“Yes, you can call me your girlfriend,” she mumbled into the kiss, and Lexa could feel the tug of the corners of her mouth, making Lexa smile into the kiss and she brought one of her hands up behind Clarke’s head to knead her fingers through her hair. When she accidentally scraped her fingernails against her scalp Clarke made this sound that made Lexa’s brain short circuit. Clarke must have noticed that because she chuckled against her lips before pulling back.

“Alright,” she said and leaned back more fully. “I believe I was promised a beer,” she said and stood up and held out her hand. “And, you have to give me a tour.”

Lexa smiled and took her hand. “Anything else you’d like?”

“Just you,” she said and hummed in response when Lexa got up and wrapped her arms around Clarke’s waist.

“You’ve got me,” Lexa murmured against her hair. “Thank you,” she said and sighed when Clarke wrapped her own arms around Lexa’s neck. “I don’t know what will happen, but having you by my side… I’ve never…”

“I know,” Clarke said.

“I might not be the easiest to be with,” Lexa continued. “I’m used to dealing with this by myself. Even Anya and Lincoln, I never really shared myself with them. So I apologize, in advance,” she said and rolled her eyes when she heard Clarke chuckle. “Clarke, I’m serious.”

“I’m sorry,” she said and leaned back in the embrace. “Thank you for the warning, I’ll keep it in mind. In return, I’ll give you a warning about myself as well. I’m very stubborn,” she half whispered and now it was Lexa’s turn to roll her eyes and laugh. “I usually get my way, one way or another.” Clarke smiled and leaned forward, giving Lexa a quick peck on her lips. “So don’t try to get rid of me.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Lexa said and took Clarke’s hand. Only doing that sent shivers up her arm, making her body hyper aware of Clarke in every sense there was.

“Alright, first a beer, then a tour for my beautiful girlfriend,” Lexa said and smiled at the word. “I believe that this must be a record,” Lexa said with a laugh. “I don’t believe I’ve ever gotten to the ‘girlfriend’ part before a first date before.”

She only laughed harder when Clarke lightly smacked her arm. 

Lexa walked them into the kitchen and pulled out two beers, handing one to Clarke and gripping the other with the hand that wasn’t holding hers.

“Well, I guess we’ll start with the kitchen,” she said and turned half around so that she could point and gesture. “I have this vision of like a kitchen ‘New England’ style, which would maintain the house’s style but still make it more functionable. We’re going to put in three new windows in that wall over there,” she said and pointed towards the wall that would have a view of the garden. 

“So those three windows would go over a sink and some open space, a perfect space for standing and chopping up vegetables or baking or something like that, with storage underneath. The countertops are going to continue on the other wall,” she said and made an L- shaped shape with her hand, trying to show Clarke what she was imagining. “And in the middle of those countertops the stove will be, underneath one single window on the wall, not taking the focus off from the view that the other three will give.

“And in the middle, a quite large kitchen island, but not too big. Just big enough so that you could fit four bar stools at the longer side, right here, and still be seated without feeling like you’re sitting in each other’s laps. Oh, and I have this vision,” she said and turned now more fully towards Clarke, who sported a very big smile which made Lexa stop.

“What?”

“I just like seeing you this way,” she said. “Just… Happy, I guess. It’s good that we can be both serious and happy, simultaneously.”

Lexa felt a small smile of her own form. “Yeah, well, without you I would probably be going crazy,” she said softly.

Clarke just hummed in response. “What’s your vision?”

“Oh, right,” she said and stepped closer and turned around again, viewing her imaginary kitchen. “I think that I’m going to paint the kitchen in, like, a color.”

“Yeah?” Clarke said and looked around. “Which one?”

“Haven’t decided yet,” Lexa murmured. “Several are flurrying through my mind. I mean there’s this soft green one that’s more like a soft moss green, or it’s the pale antique blue color, or maybe like a soft yellow… I honestly have no idea, I feel like I have to see it all, before I decide. Like I have to see the windows coming up, and see how the countertops will look like and which dishes I’ll choose.”

Lexa paused for a second and glanced Clarke’s way. “What do you think?”

Clarke looked over and Lexa found herself yet again lost in those deep blue eyes of hers, and in that moment she instantly knew that the color of her kitchen would be blue. There would be no discussing that one, a picture was already forming inside of her head.

“It’s going to be amazing,” Clarke said and sighed. “It really is, I can see it. I can picture having everyone over, the two of us standing and chopping things, or rather you can chop things and I’ll stand next to you drinking wine because I suck at cooking, with laughter and music spilling out around us.”

“I like that picture,” Lexa said and put her beer on the counter behind her and stepped closer into Clarke’s space. “Do you have any more of those visions?”

“I do,” Clarke said and felt her breath hitch when Lexa stepped closer into her bubble. 

“Care to share?”

“You,” Clarke mumbled with her eyes resting on Lexa’s soft, plump lips. “And I, watching the sunset while washing up after dinner.”

“Sounds perfect,” Lexa said and closed the gap between them, connecting their lips in a soft kiss. She felt tingles all over her body and she didn’t believe that they would ever stop. Warmth spread from her lips to the tips of her fingers to the tips of her toes, to her chest and her belly, causing her legs to turn to jelly and her mind to mush. And she’d never felt happier.

“Alright,” Clarke said, smiled and stepped back. “If you kiss me like that again we’re never going to finish this house tour.” 

Lexa raised an eyebrow. “I’m not entirely opposed to the idea.”

Clarke just rolled her eyes and smacked her arm with a chuckle. “Lead the way, Woods.”

Lexa laughed. “Alright, fine. Well, if we walk out of the kitchen and take to the left here, we’re coming into the living room.”

Lexa, as per Clarke’s request, did a very thorough tour of the house, and as time passed by Lexa realized that she had actually achieved the impossible. She’d actually been able to let go of the horror that was happening enough to actually enjoy a normal day with Clarke. She knew that Clarke was probably the main reason behind it, or hell, she  _ knew  _ that Clarke was the reason why, but in this moment she really couldn’t care less. All that she cared about was that Clarke was here and that Clarke was  _ hers _ .

Whenever she reminded herself of the fact she almost had to pinch herself. 

She really had no clue how this day had gone the way it did. She’s started it in the hospital, saying goodbye to Clarke and expecting to see her this evening, getting those plans nearly shattered when Anya dropped a bomb on her only to have Clarke come over and not only managing to calm her down, but also succeeding with actually making her laugh and give a  _ house tour _ as if she’d had no care in the world.

Lexa couldn’t even think of a day more complex than this one.

So when the clock struck seven and the house tour was over, Lexa suddenly felt very exhausted.

“Look,” she said when they were sitting out on the porch again. “Normally I would cook you something delicious that would have you swooning, but if I’m being totally honest I’m just too tired. Would you hate me if we ordered in?”

Clarke chuckled. “If we were to order pizza I might just love you even more,” she said and continued to chuckle, but Lexa froze.

Her eyes snapped to Clarke’s and she could feel her mouth opening slightly, her heart rate increasing as she held her breath. Clarke, noticing Lexa’s mood change, frowned.

“What?”

“You… You just said-” Lexa said, but didn’t need to continue. Clarke’s eyes were suddenly cleared of all confusion and they snapped to hers, but after a second a light blush appeared across her cheeks and she cast her eyes downward bringing one hand up to scratch her neck.

“Yeah,” she said with an embarrassed chuckle. “While I totally wanted you to know what I felt, I might would’ve chosen to hold on to that information a little while longer, seeing as you’re whole life’s pretty much changed today in more ways than just one and I know for a fact that you didn’t get much sleep yesterday since it’s obvious that you don’t like hospitals, so I take it back-”

Clarke didn’t get any further though, because Lexa surged forward and pressed her lips against hers, more urgent and less gentle than their previous ones. She opened her mouth and breathed in Clarke through her mouth and closed her lips again over Clarke’s bottom lip, applying some pressure before realising it again and soothing it with a more gentle kiss. Clarke gasped into her mouth and opened hers as if instructed to, inviting Lexa in to roam and explore.

Lexa really tried to convey everything that was going through her head at the moment, the clarity, the certainty, the passion and the gentleness, all into one searing kiss. Because she didn’t think that words would be enough. When she released Clarke’s lip and had to gasp for air, it still felt like she hadn’t said enough.

“Don’t take it back,” Lexa breathed out and opened her eyes to Clarke’s moisty ones. And in that moment Lexa couldn’t think of a moment where Clarke looked more beautiful. Her hair was bathing in the soft glow of the moonlight and it was dancing in her eyes, the moisture making them literally shine. Her lips were slightly parted and she had this look of complete awe just written across her.

“Don’t take it back,” Lexa repeated and leaned her forehead against hers. Clarke nodded, still in too much shock to really form any words. Lexa just hummed in response and gestured for Clarke to come closer. Lexa let her arms stay loosely wrapped around Clarke’s waist and gently laid back, pulling Clarke with her. The back of the lounge chair was already tilted back, and when they were fully laying down Lexa sighed in content.

And suddenly, both of them lay staring up onto the sky.

“Do you want to know something funny?” Lexa whispered in Clarke’s ear. Clarke shuddered in response and hummed. “This was actually what I wanted to do with you today,” she said and smiled. “I had this plan, I was going to pick you up, walk up to your door and nervously knock on it. I was going to buy you a rose, and for a moment my whole world would stop when you opened the door. Then I would have offered you my arm and opened the car door for you and asked if I could hold your hand during the drive.”

“I would’ve let you,” Clarke breathed out and Lexa could feel her whole body relaxing into her own.

“The drive would’ve taken us about fifteen minutes, and in the beginning my heart would gone at least two hundred beats per minute. I wouldn’t have known what to say or what to do, because you make me the most nervous I’ve ever been. And during the entire ride I would be hoping that you were feeling the same.”

“I would have,” she whispered and Lexa smiled softly and pressed her lips into her soft blonde hair.

“When we got there, I would have gone around in a hurry, opening your door and guiding you out to a place only I knew of. A place I used to come to a lot when I was a kid, the one place I loved the most and missed the most when I was away. You would look around and look at me like maybe I was crazy, because to anyone not looking in the right direction this would seem like any other meadow, surrounded by ordinary trees. But then I would tell you to look up.”

Lexa sighed and looked up into the night sky.

“I can only use my imagination of what your expression must’ve looked like,” Lexa mused and squeezed her arms lightly that were around her waist. “I can only imagine what it is now. But I want you to know that every time that I see you, I’m completely and utterly taken by you. You’re the most beautiful person that I have ever seen, as well as the brightest, most intriguing and kind hearted person that I’ve known. So whatever the skies would’ve shown that night, I wouldn’t have been looking its way that night.

“I would have been drinking in the sight of you, because you always render me completely speechless. You’re beautiful,” Lexa murmured into her hair. “You make me ramble,” she added and could feel Clarke chuckle. “And I would marvel over how on earth I would get so lucky, why you chose to spend an evening with me.”

“I would have turned around after not that long,” Clarke said and Lexa noticed how much thicker her voice sounded. “And I would have been completely at a loss for words. I wouldn’t have known what to do with myself, or what to say. I would’ve tried to explain that no one’s ever done something like this for me before, showing me something so pure and  _ personal  _ before, and I would end up thinking that I couldn’t have possibly deserved what this amazing girl standing in front of me was offering.”

Lexa just squeezed her arms around Clarke’s body. “Maybe we were meant to find each other now for a reason.”

“You think so?”

“Mhm” Lexa said and looked up into the vastness of the night sky above them. You could see thousands upon thousands of twinkling little stars, making up constellations and patterns that mankind had tied to countless stories over centuries. “I believe that things happen for a reason. And when I first saw you, it was instant. I just knew that you were the one that Costia had been talking about. It just took awhile for me to find you.”

Clarke burrowed into Lexa’s chest and nodded. “When I’m with you, it’s almost like coming home after a really long trip, almost like I know exactly just how well we fit together, how we’re supposed to be together.”

“The universe works in strange ways,” Lexa mused and looked up into the sky, just in time to catch a falling star, making its way across the sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this chapter makes up for the shitstorm that is about to happen <3


	16. Number Twenty Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *DO NOT READ IF TRIGGERED BY ASSAULT / VIOLENCE / ABDUCTION*
> 
> Hi everyone and happy Friday! As I stated before, this chapter will have a small scene which will involve an abduction (I haven't described it super thoroughly), so if you are triggered by this, please do not read it.
> 
> This chapter is both a bonus and a big one, the story is really starting to pick up and now things are getting pretty intense! So happy that so many people have found their way to the story, can't wait to share the rest of it with you!
> 
> Anyways, happy Friday!! XO - fantasycloud

Hannah quietly slipped into her sneakers, grabbed her earphones and opened the door, shutting it without a sound behind her. It was only about six am and most of the girls in the dorm were still asleep, but Hannah liked to go jogging and hitting the showers before her day began. She knew that she was usually too tired to even go to the grocery store after a day filled with classes, let alone but on her workout clothes and go out running.

No, it was better to do that before she could blame it on something else.

She’d been doing this for a couple of weeks now, the semester had started only a week ago but her and her roommate, Becca, had agreed to come back one week in advance in order to get ahead of their studies together and Hannah knew that it would be better to get a routine going as soon as possible so that she wouldn’t fall back into old habits.

Besides, her and Becca were supposed to have a small celebration tonight for making it through a week of classes. Just the two of them, a bowl of popcorn and an episode of Bones.

She jogged the short 2 miles up to the trail and stopped to change to her playlist, she’d recently found Ariana Grande’s album  _ Dangerous Woman _ and knew that she could easily lose herself in the lyrics of her songs. She put on  _ Into You  _ and started down the 8 mile track that she knew would take her around the park and back in time for her to hit the showers before classes started.

As she jogged up the slight climb she sighed in content. She loved the way jogging made her feel, she loved the way her muscles stretched, how the air felt all crisp around her and how in this moment, she felt in tune with her body. And she knew that she would go to bed tonight being satisfied that she’d done something for herself. In a sense studying was something she did for herself, but at the moment drowning in essays didn’t exactly feel like she was doing something  _ for  _ herself, more like something she was doing  _ to  _ herself. 

But running, that was something she did entirely for herself.

Alright, maybe the burn in her lungs was something that she’d had to get used to, but the feeling when she passed her record or if she noticed she could run the same speed up a steeper hill, that feeling sure beat the burning sensation in her chest.

The song  _ Side to Side  _ started and she started to smile when Nicki Minaj’s rap lyrics came on, letting them fill her senses as she jogged on.

She was so caught up in the song and with herself that she didn’t quite put much thought into the man that came jogging the other way. She didn’t think about him jogging in sunglasses. She didn’t think about his normal breathing, she didn’t think about how it should have been a bit more strained if he’d really been out jogging. 

And she didn’t think about the object in his hand.

She had barely passed him when he moved at lightning speed.

She felt a hot and searing burning sensation against her side that brought her to her knees, and before she could scream she felt a blow to the head, making her vision hazy. The last thing she remembered was her earphones falling off when she hit the ground, still playing Ariana Grande’s  _ Side to Side _ on the next to loudest volume, and then her world went black.

When she started coming to she couldn’t quite manage to open her eyes, they felt far too heavy and there was this indescribable pain coming from the back of her head. She tried to remember, some part of her wanted this to just be a bad dream and she tried to pinch herself, but as she moved her hand she found that she couldn’t move it very far. She forced her eyelids all the way up and let out a moan.

This wasn’t a bad dream. She could never have come up with this.

She was laying on her back against a hard surface, by the feel of it it was probably metal or a very cold wooden table. Both her hands and her feet were tied down and from the tightness around her head she suspected that it was taped down. But that wasn’t the worst of it.

_ Where are my clothes?  _ She thought and had to fight the tears that had sprung to her eyes and try to calm herself down. When realizing that she was completely bare, she tried closing her eyes to try and feel what kind of injuries she had. She nearly sobbed in relief when she couldn’t really feel anything besides the blow to her head and her knees, from where she’d fallen earlier.

But that didn’t stop her from shaking. Whoever grabbed her and tied her here must have some sort of plan. And what she had feared had happened might still happen, only this time, it would be worse. Because then she would be conscious, and right in this moment Hannah had no idea of how she would survive that.

She tried to look around the room that she was in, but it was too dark to see anything. How long had she been out? Was it night already? Her heartbeat picked up at the thought, then maybe people were already looking for her, seeing as she both had classes during the day and had a movie date planned with Becca.  _ Someone  _ must be looking, she thought desperately.

Suddenly she heard someone move, and she could literally feel every muscle in her body first tense, and then freeze.

How long had someone been down here with her? Without moving her head, she tried to locate him, but it was too dark for her to make anything out. So she had to lay there, restrained and bare, and just wait. Her beat like crazy in her chest against her ribs, she could feel her muscles being ready to jab, stab, run, kick, whatever it took for her to get away from this horrible place in one piece.

There was a low chuckle in the far left corner of the room.

“I know what’s going through your mind,” a cold but eerie calm voice said. It rang out clearly in the refined space that they were in, and Hannah squeezed her eyes shut.

“Where am I, who took me, why did he take me, what’s going to happen, why are you doing this to me, why and why and  _ why _ . It’s all the same questions with you. Always the same ones. But Lexa, you know exactly why you’re here.”

Hannah blinked, and for the first time, she did not only feel true fear for her life, but could also feel a sliver of hope.

“I-I’m not L-Lexa,” she stammered and hated how much it quivered. She tried to quietly clear her throat. “You’ve got the wrong person.”

She heard nothing for a minute. Then she heard something scrape against the floor and she could  _ feel  _ him coming closer. First she heard him, how he slowly walked over to her, still in the shadows. But as he got closer, the darkness started to move. When he was about a foot or two from herself, she could start to see the outline of a hand, an arm, a chest. 

Her breath caught in her chest and now she was dead sure that even he must have heard her beating heart, even from where he stood.

He waited until he had stepped into her line of sight more fully, bending down slightly so that his face came into view which rendered Hannah speechless.

He was nothing like she expected.

“I know you’re not her,” he said with an icy cold tone. “But don’t worry. Her time will come too.”

And when he brought his other hand forth and she saw what was in his hand, for the first time in Hannah’s twenty one year old life, she screamed for her life.

//

Lexa felt as if she was floating around inside a bubble. 

All she could see was this wonderful world, shimmering and colorful, but at the same time she knew that one wrong step, one gust of wind or a sharp object, could very easily take it all away.

She could say with complete certainty that she did not particularly like the feeling.

“What are you thinking about?” Clarke asked and nudged Lexa’s foot with her own. They were sitting at the diner and had just finished the most incredible brunch Lexa had ever had, or at least it felt that way. Well, anywhere being with Clarke felt like the most amazing experience, so that might be the actual reason.

It had now been a couple of days since that night under the stars and whenever Lexa thought back on it she just smiled. Mostly because she’d ended up being able to call Clarke her girlfriend, but also because she got that night totally wrong in her head.

Lexa was usually very good at predicting how things would turn out, and usually when she got it wrong, things turned out so much worse than what she previously predicted. But when she’d asked Clarke to come over, her initial thoughts were that she would be coming over so that Lexa could explain why she had to stop seeing her. She’d had it all planned out, what she would say and what she would do. How she would tell her that she was sorry. But Clarke changed all of that. She hadn’t done the number of things that Lexa had thought of, she’d done the one thing that she didn’t think of.

She’d kissed her.

And with that kiss she gave a promise, funny enough. With that kiss, Lexa knew that they were going to be fine. She smiled just thinking about it. She’d never experienced something so strongly before in relation to another person.

“You,” Lexa answered with a smile.

“Cheeseball,” Clarke chuckled.

“It’s true though. All that I think about is you. I’m thinking about charging you with rent.”

Clarke let out a bark of laughter. “Only if I can pay with kisses. Then I might consider it.”

Lexa chuckled. 

She hadn’t forgotten about those twenty five girls. She saw them everywhere, wondering what they could’ve been doing if it weren’t for her. She worried about the copycat. Where he was and when he was going to come, because he  _ would  _ come eventually.

It all just felt a little bit less heavy with Clarke by her side.

She realized that that made her sound extremely selfish, but for once in her life she didn’t care. She’d never been a selfish person before, and she was tired of always being the ‘good one’ or whatever. For once in her life, Lexa wanted something for herself. And plus, Clarke was very persistent. Even if Lexa wanted Clarke to leave her alone, she didn’t think that Clarke would go very easily. And since she didn’t want her to, she didn’t even try to attempt it.

“I’ve been thinking,” Clarke said and looked down on their entwined hands. “So I know about your past. O knows… I know that it’s not really my place, but I was hoping that I could fill Raven in. I understand that this is a huge part of you that you’d rather not have everybody knowing, but I  _ live  _ with her and-”

“Clarke, stop,” Lexa said with a soft chuckle. “Of course you can tell her. I’ve been meaning to tell you that it’s fine with me, but I’ve been kind of distracted these last few days.”

Clarke let out a laugh. “Yeah, tell me about it. So you’re fine with it?”

“I guess so,” Lexa said and shrugged. “And even before meeting you, my plan was always to come clean, sooner or later. Can’t be trying to build a new life upon a lie, I’ve learnt that lesson multiple times.”

Clarke hummed in response and squeezed her hand.

“Do you want me there?” Lexa said.

“You don’t want to do the telling?” Clarke said with an eyebrow raised.

“I trust you,” Lexa said softly. “Besides, maybe you, O and Raven can have a day when it’s just you three. So that you can talk about what it means, having us in your life.”

“Why would we need an entire day for that?”

“We do have a lot of history with this town,” Lexa said and turned more serious. “Not all of the people here are going to be happy that we’re back. And plus, being around me especially might be dangerous. It might be nice to give them a heads up, to make sure that they’re more careful. I bet that Lincoln’s already told Octavia, but someone’s gotta tell Raven.”

“I don’t get how you can talk about him so calmly,” Clarke said and looked at her in a mix of concern and amusement. “He’s out there, right now.”

“Well I can’t go around getting all hysterical all of the time every time I’m worried, that would mean that I’m hysterical every day,” she said with a humorless laugh. “But keeping a level head on my shoulders, that is way more helpful than the alternative. How about you, do you feel like going screaming in the middle of night?”

Clarke smiled. “Well, I don’t know about that. But I might have a hard time focusing when I’m not with you,” she said softly. “While I’m good at staying calm in a crisis, I’m still the queen of worrying.”

Lexa brought Clarke’s hand up to her lips and pressed a light kiss to her knuckles. “Lucky thing I’m with you almost all of the time then.”

“Not when you’re working,” Clarke said with a whine which made Lexa chuckle.

“No, not when I’m working. Which brings me to a point I’ve been meaning to bring up. “When I’m working, and when you’re off, could you consider having Parker with you?”

“Parker?” Clarke said with a frown and cast a glance out the window to where he currently sat patiently on the sidewalk with a large bowl of water beside him. 

“Yeah,” Lexa said. “I’ve trained him since birth to listen to certain commands. I can demonstrate later. But I would feel much more calm if I knew that he was with you when I can’t be.”

“So you want me to essentially have a furry bodyguard.”

“Pretty much.”

“Lexa, I’ve never really taken care of a dog before,” Clarke said and glanced out at him again.

“Oh he’s fine,” Lexa said with a wave. “Almost like a human. And he could break someone’s arm with his bare teeth. Please,” she added and almost pleaded with her eyes.

Clarke looked at her for a second before heaving out a sigh but nodded. “But you have to, I don’t know, print out a schedule or something, what to do and when to do it. And teach me those damn commands,” she grumbled.

“Thank you,” Lexa breathed out.

“Yeah, well don’t blame me if I end up killing your dog,” Clarke said grumpily and Lexa laughed. “Oh, you think I’m joking?” Clarke said which only caused Lexa to laugh harder. “I don’t even manage to keep flowers alive.”

“I thought you were supposed to be a doctor?”

“Oh I’m good with people, but anything that’s not human, I’m impossible,” Clarke said.

Lexa opened her mouth to say something but was interrupted by her phone’s ringtone. So she just rolled her eyes at Clarke before answering. “This is Lexa.”

“ _ Hey. I need you to come down to the station, _ ” Anya’s voice rang out.

“The sheriff’s station?” Lexa asked in puzzlement. “Why, are you in trouble?”

“ _ No you idiot. I’m working. Just bring your ass down here. _ ”

“Fine,” Lexa said and tried to ignore the feeling that a bucket of ice cold water had just been emptied over her head.

“ _ And Lexa, don’t bring Clarke _ ,” she said with a grim voice.

“Why?”

“ _ It’s just better if it’s just you _ .”

Lexa closed her eyes, and could feel Clarke’s hand squeeze hers. “You’ve found another one, haven’t you?”

“ _ Actually no. I’ll see you in a bit. _ ”

Lexa sighed and pocketed her phone. Clarke looked at her with worried eyes, but Lexa shook her head. “Not what I thought. C’mon, let’s go.”

“What did she want?”

“I honestly have little to no idea. I just know that it’s work related to Anya, which can only mean some kind of bad news if she wants to talk to me,” Lexa grumbled and got up. “Alright, I knew that we were supposed to go down to Anderson or Greenville today to look for some furniture, but can I pick you up after?”

“Sure,” Clarke said and followed her out. Parker’s head shot up and started to thump his tail excitedly against the sidewalk. Lexa sighed and knelt beside him, scratching him behind his ears and leaned forward to place a kiss in between his eyes and laughed when she received a kiss of her own.

“See?” Lexa hummed and got up. “Totally harmless to us, and someday soon I’ll show you just fearless he can be.”

“Remind me to never get on your bad side,” Clarke said with a nervous chuckle, but Lexa just sighed and slipped her arms around Clarke’s waist.

“Don’t worry,” she said and nudged her nose against Clarke’s.

“Well well,” a voice said behind them which caused the pair of them to spring apart. “Oh don’t stop on my account. It’s not like I’m anyone important.”

Lexa looked behind her and saw Raven, leaning against the lamppost with a smug grin.

“Raven,” Lexa said with a nod and a sigh. “Well, I better get going.”

“Alright,” Clarke said. “And I better get to it.”

Lexa cast a glance Raven’s way and Clarke gave her a nod. Lexa nodded then to herself before taking half a step back, only to be stopped with hands gripping the front of her shirt.

“You forgot something,” Clarke breathed, and Lexa couldn’t help the smile on her lips.

“My bad," she chuckled and let herself be pulled forward and kissed by Clarke. The kiss was just a small peck against the lips, but it still left her breathless. “I’ll see you later.”

“Griff, it’s not like she’s leaving for war,” Raven said but Clarke just flipped her off, causing Lexa to chuckle against her lips. "Lovestruck fools," they heard Raven mutter behind them.

“Good luck,” Lexa said over her shoulder as she and Parker got into the car.

//

“Thanks,” Clarke said with a strained smile as she waved to Lexa as she watched her drive away. Whatever Anya had called about earlier had Lexa clearly worked up and she didn’t like not being there with her.

“You’re totally whipped,” Raven said behind her and Clarke couldn’t help it. She chuckled.

“I guess I am.”

“Okay I think I just barfed in my mouth.”

“You’ve been riding my ass about ‘putting myself out there’,” Clarke said accusingly and turned around. “So stop that.”

Raven rolled her eyes and took Clarke’s arm, steering her towards the direction of the diner.

“But I was just in there!”

“Yeah but not with me, I’m starving. And you’ve got some details to share there my lovebird friend, so don’t even think about ditching me.”

Clarke huffed out a sigh, but followed her and sat down opposite Raven at the table where she and Lexa had just been. Maya’s mother walked up to them and laughed.

“Clarke honey, I know that you like my coffee, but even this is too much. Even for you.”

Clarke opened her mouth, but Raven was quicker. “Oh you know Clarke mama Vie,” she said with a smirk. “Always up for anything, always telling her best friend and roommate the important parts of life.”

“I’m not starting anything with you,” Mrs Vie said with a shake of her head and walked away, having filled both of their cups anyways.

“Can you bring me some of those blueberry pancakes?” Raven called after her and Mrs Vie just waved her hand in the air.

“So, spill,” Raven said and opened a packet of sugar, pouring all of its contents down into the coffee.

“What do you want to know?” Clarke said, still debating whether telling Raven of  _ everything _ in the middle of a crowded dinder. Maybe not the best idea.

“Oh I don’t know  _ Clarke _ ,” Raven said with a huff. “Maybe from the point where you apparently have gotten yourself a girlfriend? And  _ forgot to mention it to me _ ?”

“It’s not like I’ve forgotten,” Clarke tried to say and scratched her neck. “It’s more like I haven’t had the time really.”

“Bullshit.”

“No, it’s true! We only got to this stage like, a few days ago,” she said and cringed. Yeah, she was a terrible best friend.

“Days huh?”

“...yeah.”

“Did you do a double shift?”

“...no.”

“Had Lexa by any chance chained you to her bed?”

“What?” Clarke said, feeling heat rise to her cheeks. “Raven, look, I’m sorry okay? It’s just been a busy few days, that’s all.” She didn’t want to say that she hadn’t wanted to leave Lexa’s side for days because she was afraid that if she didn't, she might not see her again. “I was going to talk to you. Today.”

“Is that so,” Raven said and took a sip of her coffee. But after she’d put it down, Raven took a long look at Clarke and offered up a small smile. The smile that Clarke knew was her ‘it’s cool’ smile and Clarke could feel the tension in her shoulders leave, and she let out a sigh.

“I really did plan on telling you today,” Clarke said apologetically. “Once I do tell you everything, you’ll get why I haven’t exactly been home.”

“You’re not planning on telling me everything now because?”

Clarke did a show of looking around the diner and then back at Raven. “Isn’t it obvious?”

“Fine. Can you at least tell me  _ something  _ while I eat?” Clarke chuckled, but nodded.

“She’s just different. I don’t know how to explain it, I know it’s crazy.”

“She’s barely been here a month,” Raven said and leaned back in her seat. “You talk about her as if you’ve been with her for years.”

“Like I said, it’s crazy. I try not to think about it that way.”

“How do you think about it then?”

“That it feels right,” she said and couldn’t stop the smile that formed on her lips, the smile that always appeared whenever she was thinking about Lexa. “It feels like I’ve known her all my life. Whenever I’m with her, it  _ feels  _ like I’ve found some part of me that I’ve been missing without knowing it was gone.”

“Clarke.”

“I know how I sound, I’ve already told you that I think this is crazy. But that’s about the best explanation I’ve got. It just feels like I’ve known her for a long time, and it feels right. I don’t need to understand more.”

Raven was quiet for a moment, but then-

“Alright but do you know how she’s in bed yet? I’ve been thinking that she have to be a top, but after what I just saw out there in the parking lot I’m thinki-”

“ _ Raven _ !” Clarke said, feeling her ears starting to turn flaming red, looking around them to see if anyone’s heard. “We haven’t gotten there yet, crist.”

“My bad. But you left a very cryptic note on the fridge and you didn’t come home, so excuse me for presuming the obvious.”

Clarke glared at her but just sighed when Raven continued to smirk. “She asked me over to talk, nothing else. She actually tried to tell me that she didn’t want to see me anymore. It obviously didn’t go her way.”

“Wait, Lexa, as in Commander Hearteyes, tried to get rid of  _ you _ ?”

“Commander Hearteyes?” Clarke asked and snorted. “Please tell me that you guys tell her that all the time.”

Raven smirked. “Well, it couldn’t be helped. You should see her whenever she talks about you.”

“It was you who started it then?”

Raven huffed out a breath. “I’m offended you even questioned that.”

“Right. Well, yeah, she tried to. I wouldn’t let her. I ended up kissing her, and that was that.”

“And that was what?”

“That was just it.”

“Alright I’m not following.” They paused for a moment when Maya’s mom put her pancakes in front of Raven, eyed Clarke’s now empty cup of coffee and walked away without a word, murmuring about ‘unhealthy caffeine intake’.

“And here I thought you were smart,” Clarke said with a chuckle after hearing her mumbles.

“I am. You’re speaking like an idiot,” Raven said with a scoff, thinking that the laugh was directed at her.

“Rude.”

“But true. So what, she tried to break things off, you talked her out of it and then you cured her apparent stroke with a kiss? Damn.”

“No,” Clarke laughed. “I kissed her because… Ugh, Raven, can we please just get out of here so that I can explain?”

Raven, who’d just gotten her pancakes, looked down at the wistfully. “Fine. But I’m getting these boxed up.”

They got up and paid, wished Maya’s parents a good day and walked out of the diner, Clarke taking Raven’s elbow and steered her towards the destination that would tell her everything. She texted Octavia too, asking her to meet them there.

“Clarke, where are we going? We never go this way.”

“You wanted the full story, you’re going to get it.”

“You’re being very cryptic.”

“Sorry.”

When they stopped in front of the Wood’s cabin, Raven turned around slowly. “Alright, we've been walking for ages. Spill.”

“I didn’t exactly meet Lexa for the first time that day when she ran into me. I’d met her before. When we were kids, when she was still living here. But I didn’t realize that that was her until she told me her story.”

“Wait," Raven said and whipped her head around and stared at the old house. "Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

“Yeah,” Clarke said with a shaky breath and looked at the abandoned house. “Lexa Woods is really Alexandria Forest.”

“Holy shit.”

“I know.”

“I did not see that one coming.”

“I know,” Clarke repeated and glanced at Raven who stood with her mouth wide open, eyes locked not on the house anymore, but on the forest.

“Oh man,” she said. “That’s just… I don’t even know.”

“I know. When she first told me, she asked if I was upset with her,” she said with a sad smile.

“Why did she tell you if she thought you’d be upset with her?” Raven said with a frown. “If it were me I’d just kept it to myself then.”

Clarke smiled softly at the memory. She remembered Lexa’s green eyes, the sincerity, the uncertainty, the pain and wonder. “She told me so that I could change my mind about going out with her. She said, and I quote, ‘I didn’t want to put you in a position that would make you uncomfortable’.”

“Whipped,” Raven muttered.

Clarke hummed in response.

“And she’s come back because, what?”

“Lincoln. She’s told me that she moved here because he did. She didn’t want her family to be spread out across the country since there’s barely any of them left.”

“Shit.”

“Agreed.”

“But that can’t be the full reason why you spent all these past days with her.”

“No. And besides, she told me that a few days before I kissed her.”

“Excuse me? For how long have you known?”

“A little over a week?”

“A  _ week _ ?”

“Again, I was going to tell you! God, you make me sound like the worst right now, and I am,” she said in a haste. “But this is all new to me too! I didn’t expect her to be the kid of the country’s southern serial killer, did I?”

Raven was quiet for a beat. “Fair point.”

“Thank you.”

“Still not off the hook.”

“Oh for God’s sake.”

“Well, then care to tell me the  _ other  _ reason why you couldn’t leave her alone? You do know that she can lift a grown ass man over her shoulder and not break a sweat, right?”

“I know,” Clarke said in a small voice. “That’s what I’m afraid of. That she’ll just ignore the danger and just keep going on as usual because she thinks she’s unbeatable.”

“Clarke, back it up. You still haven’t told me the whole story.”

“Right.”

Clarke was silent for one too many seconds and Raven huffed out a breath. “I’m not getting any younger here Griff.”

“It’s just hard to know where to start! But okay, alright. So, Lexa’s sister, Anya, came to Polis a few days ago.”

“Yeah, I saw her at the station.”

“Well, Anya works for the FBI and-”

“What?! Oh I  _ have _ to meet her sometime.”

“I’m pretty sure you will. Anyways, Anya came here because of a case. She’s been working on a case for a few years now that’s been a really tough one and up until a few weeks ago, she had nothing connecting them except for the similar patterns between them. One of the bodies that were found, one of the girls, were found in a national park up in Illinois and Anya recognized it because she’d once seen that exact place, only when it wasn’t a murder site. She’d seen it when Lexa showed her a picture of it. She then got an idea and went over Lexa’s website. Guess what the connection between the cases were.”

“Okay, this is getting creepy.”

Clarke ignored Raven. “Anya found evidence of twenty five girls, all kidnapped, raped and murdered the same way, all placed in one of Lexa’s photos from a national park.”

“Kidnapped, raped and murdered?” Raven said with raised eyebrows, sarcasm and wit gone from her voice. “But that’s what Titus Forest did.”

Clarke sat down and overlooked what was once Lexa’s garden with a deep sigh. “I know. But that’s not even the worst. Anya believes that this sick person that’s doing this has been corresponding with him through letters over years now where Titus has been describing how he did things back then so that he can continue to do the same. But while he didn’t pick his victim’s based on appearances, this one does.”

Clarke closed her eyes and tried to force the image of Lexa, laying dead in a shallow grave, out of her mind. She’d had that image there for days, ever since Lexa told her. She hadn’t told Lexa yet though, she didn’t want her to know just how frightened she was by this situation.

“He chooses people that resemble  _ Lexa _ ,” Clarke said and put her head in her hands. “All of them. All the girls. They all have her brown hair color, her green eyes. All twenty five of them. Anya says that he’s practicing.”

She couldn’t keep going. She couldn’t say the words, but she didn’t have to. They were there, hovering in the air as if she’d shouted them at her. Clarke still had her eyes closed, but felt when Raven sat down beside her.

“Fuck.”

Clarke couldn’t help it, she let out a short laugh before clamping her mouth shut. “Yeah.”

“And that’s why you haven’t been wanting to leave her side? Because you’re afraid that she won’t be as careful as she is when you’re there?”

“Yeah,” she said with a chuckle. “Is that stupid?”

“I mean, I don’t even know. Suicidal? Maybe. But I don’t know about stupid. It sure is a lot. By being there, you’re probably making her more aware, right?”

“I hope so, because it’s like she doesn’t  _ care _ about herself getting killed, only the people around her. And I’m scared,” Clarke admitted in a whisper. “I’m scared that if it comes down to it, she’ll let herself get taken to save everyone else. I’m scared because I won’t know what to do with myself if she does.”

“Hey,” she heard and was startled enough into looking up since that voice wasn’t Raven’s. She looked up and saw that Octavia and Lincoln stood a few feet away, having snuck up while the two of them were talking. Clarke sighed and gestured for them to join her and Raven.

“Am I stupid for thinking that way?” Clarke said and looked at Lincoln who looked back at Clarke with grim eyes.

“You’re not wrong.” They sat down opposite her and Raven close enough that their knees almost touched.

Clarke could feel her chest tightening and Octavia, noticing Clarke’s incoming breakdown, jabbed Lincoln in the ribs.

“No, I won’t lie. Lexa is incredibly selfless and too stubborn and way too brave for her own good,” Lincoln said and looked around their small circle. “Has been all her life. If she thinks that sacrificing herself is the way to protect everyone then that’s probably what she’ll end up doing.”

“But that’s just stupid!” Octavia exclaimed. “She can’t just  _ let herself  _ get murdered for God’s sake!”

“Obviously I won’t let her do that,” Lincoln argued back and shot O an annoyed look. “I just said what she would likely do. Or what I think she might have done before, but I’m not a hundred percent sure anymore that that’s the case.”

“What do you mean?” Clarke said, finding her voice.

“I’m talking about you Clarke,” he said with warmth. “I don’t think Lexa ever really thought she’d find someone that she could care for as much as I’ve seen her do for you, Clarke. I think that before she found you, she wouldn’t have thought longer than a second about sacrificing herself for others.”

“But?”

“I think finding you, feeling love and safety and maybe even seeing a possibility or a future with you, I think that might just be enough for her to fight long enough to stay alive. I don’t think she’s going to give herself up just as easily as she would have a month ago. Clarke, you’ve only known her for a few weeks. You don’t see the changes in her as I do. You’ve given her hope, something I haven’t seen for a long time.”

Clarke couldn’t help the tears that now streamed down her face. “Yeah?”

“Finding you brought her light that she used to have around her. It’s been twenty years since I saw that last.”

Clarke had to blink several times, taking in what he just told her.

He nodded. “And,” he said and looked over at Octavia who nodded slightly before he continued. “We might also be a small part of her feeling hopeful,” he said with a grin.

Clarke glanced at Raven before looking back over at Octavia who was grinning like crazy.

“O?” Raven said and Clarke drew in a sharp breath as she realized what they were implying.

“I’m pregnant,” she said with a laugh and practically shone and Clarke couldn’t believe it. She scrambled up, Raven wasn’t far behind, and then Octavia got up and somehow the three of them ended up in a hug, laughing and crying and a large weight was lifted off of Clarke’s chest. 

_ They were going to make it, no matter what, they  _ had _ to make it. _

_ They just had to. _

//

Lexa drove down to the staton, parked her car and got out, already dreading what horrible news Anya might tell her. Parker jumped down after her and stood pressed against her leg, almost as if he sensed her worry. Or who was she kidding, Parker probably could sense her discomfort. Her heartbeat was through the roof and her breathing was laboured, and she’d trained Parker especially to pick up on things like that.

She steered her steps into the station, bringing Parker with her inside. She pulled the door open and paused in the doorway, suddenly being seven years old again. She was seven years old and saw the older woman at the desk, being hit with that same stale office air and so taken by the seriousness of this place. Only this time, the station seemed smaller. There was a different person up at the desk, a man who first looked Lexa up and down and then turned his focus to Parker. He was just about to open his eyes and probably tell her that it wasn’t allowed when Anya stepped in.

“Get in here,” she said and nodded towards an office next to the sheriff’s. “And don’t even think about it,” she added and looked over to the man who looked like he wanted to snap Anya in half. “The dog stays.”

Anya didn’t stick around to hear his complaints, she just followed Lexa and shut the door closed. Lexa noticed, to both her delight and dread, that they weren’t alone in the office.

“Alexandria,” he said and stepped towards her.

“Officer Grayson?” Lexa said and felt a smile forming on her lips. “Wow, it’s been some years. And it’s just Lexa now.”

“Right, Anya told me. And it’s sheriff Grayson now,” he said with a chuckle. “Sheriff Tanner retired about five years ago now. But you can call me Luke.”

“Luke,” Lexa said, testing it out. It suited him. “Well, congrats on making sheriff,” she said and really tried to attempt a bigger smile, but seeing the worry in his expression, she knew that it had come out more like a grimace.

“Alright, reunion’s over,” Anya said behind them and sat down behind the desk. Lexa sat down on the chair placed on the other side, sheriff Grayson, or Luke, sat down next to Anya. It felt like an interrogation was about to start and Lexa could feel her palms starting to sweat.

“Let me start by saying this,” Anya said and looked at Lexa with serious eyes. Lexa had wished for years and years when they were younger that Anya would stop acting so childish and quit with the jokes and the sarcasm, she never thought that she’d one day would wish for the opposite. “Things are only going to get worse before they get better. But at least now we know what we’re dealing with.”

Lexa felt herself nod. “So what’s up?”

Anya and Luke shared a look and a nod before turning back to Lexa. “Last Friday morning around eight pm Rebecca Barnes reported twenty one year old Hannah Flynn missing. Rebecca and Hannah both go to Bob Jones University here in South Carolina and when checking with Hannah’s professors, she hadn’t been to classes that day. The last anyone saw her was around six am that morning when Hannah went out jogging. According to Rebecca, Hannah has been out jogging every morning at exactly the same time for two weeks straight. Her phone was found, but Hannah wasn’t.”

Lexa felt her chest starting to tighten up and even the fact that Parker had his head in her lap didn’t do much to calm her down.

“Hannah was twenty one, five foot five with brown wavy hair and green eyes.”

“ _ No, _ ” Lexa said in a strangled whisper. “You said that there wasn’t another one.”

“I knew you wouldn’t have come if I told you otherwise,” Anya said with a grim tone.

“This morning,” Luke continued, using the same grave tone that Anya had. “A couple of tourists walking the trail up at the Tallulah Gorge state park in Georgia found Hannah Flynn’s body yesterday.”

“Stop,” Lexa said, but Anya pressed on.

“She was found dead.”

Lexa pressed her eyes shut, trying to shut out their words and failing.

“Evidence of her being held captive over the course of several days has been discovered. She was dehydrated, starved, bound and raped before he killed her using strangulation. He left her body beside a cabin up in the trail.”

The cabin appeared before Lexa’s eyes and she let out a strangled sound. “I was there just two weeks ago,” she said in a barely audible voice.

“Lexa, he’s close. For all we know he could be here in Polis.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo.... What did y'all think? How do you think Lexa will cope? What did you think about the trio getting together?
> 
> As always, thank you to EVERYONE who reads this story, and an extra thank you to those who shares their thoughts with me. I love getting your comments! Have a good weekend everyone! :)


	17. She Was Beautiful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter Lexa and the gang deals with the aftermath of the last chapter, and this one has got a bit of everything in it, so sit back, have a drink of your choice and enjoy!

Lexa hadn’t needed to tell Clarke about what had happened. 

After getting the horrible news from Anya and Luke, Lexa hadn’t known where to go or what to do. She’d ended up driving for what felt like hours, but it was probably just minutes. She went back and forth with wanting to be with Clarke and not wanting to be with Clarke, fearing having to tell her what they just did. 

A girl was dead because she happened to have brown hair and green eyes.

She knew what Clarke would say, that it wasn’t her fault. She knew that, she could finally agree with her, because she would never in a million years do what someone had done to Hannah Flynn. But at the same time, Lexa didn’t think that she deserved Clarke’s soothing comments or comforting hugs when out there right now Hannah’s family and friends were mourning the death of their daughter and friend.

She ended up at Lincoln’s place when she remembered that Clarke would spend the day with Raven and hoped that Octavia was out with them as well. She knew that Lincoln would offer up what she needed. Space. He would know to be there but to not crowd her.

What she didn’t expect however was opening the door and being greeted with four pairs of eyes instead of one single pair.

Sitting in the living room, stiff as statues, sat Lincoln, Octavia, Raven and Clarke, all turning to look at Lexa with just as grim eyes as Anya just did. She let her eyes flicker to the TV where a picture of what she presumed was Hannah Flynn was being shown along with an aerial shot of the cabin where she’d stood, just weeks before.

They knew.

She looked back at the picture of Hannah and felt the lump grow in her chest. She was beautiful.

Lexa couldn’t do anything but sink to the floor, hug her knees tight to her chest and quietly let out dry sobs.

“Oh Lex,” she heard Clarke say with a broken voice and a second later she felt herself being scooped up by Lincoln’s strong arms. She was taken aback by his action but had absolutely no strength to fight him. She felt Lincoln sit down and maneuver her so that she sat with her back against his side and her legs thrown over someone else’s lap. Clarke’s, she realized as she blinked, trying to see through the tears and seeing her blonde hair and worried eyes.

“You’re okay,” Lincoln mumbled and held a hand across her chest, and didn’t flinch when Lexa gripped his arm with her hands in a death grip, needing something to anchor her. She tipped her head forward and let her hair fall around her face, not really loving that her hurt was on display.

But it was like a boulder tumbling down the side of a mountain. Once it started, it was almost impossible to stop.

“It’s not fair,” she forced out in between the sobs and clenched her eyes shut when she felt Clarke’s lips against her forehead. 

“No,” Clarke answered and pressed closer to Lexa, taking one of her hands and gripping it just as tight. “It’s not.”

Lexa was grateful. Other than those two phrases, everyone was quiet. They let her break down in front of them, but they let her be and they didn’t leave. All of them stayed, all sat silently around her and protected her when she was at her lowest. Lexa didn’t say it out loud, but that meant more to her then she could say. She might hate to cry in front of people, but she was grateful that it was this group of people.

Lincoln kept cradling her body close to his and Clarke kept stroking the back of Lexa’s hand and the other caressed her leg, all in gentle slow motions. After a while Lexa realized that the reason for the methodical up and down movements and the pace of them were to effectively slow her breathing.

When the sobs stopped, she let herself just be held. She couldn’t remember being held like this before, maybe when she was a kid and had a nightmare, but she rarely let Uncle Gus or anyone else  _ hold  _ her, only comfort. She had to admit, it was nice.

“I want to go to the funeral,” Lexa said with a raw voice.

“Are you sure?” Octavia said and Lexa could hear the worry in her voice.

“Lex, you really don’t-”

“I know,” she said and took a deep breath, not meaning to cut Clarke off. She tilted her head back and shook her hair back, looking up at them. She knew that she probably looked like shit, but she couldn’t do anything about it so she decided not to care. “But it’s one thing that I  _ can  _ do.”

She looked into Clarke’s eyes and she must’ve felt what Lexa was trying to say, because she nodded. “I’ll be with you,” she said and Lexa started to open her mouth, but Clarke cut her off. “Stop. Don't even think for a second I’m going to let you be there by yourself.”

“Me too,” Raven said, surprising Lexa.

“And me,” Octavia said with determination.

Lincoln chuckled sadly. “Yeah, we’re all going Lexi,” he said and  _ damn him  _ for using that old nickname. Tears sprang to the corner of her eyes again, but she willed them back. She’d cried enough. She nodded in defeat and sighed.

“How come you’re all here? I thought Clarke and you guys would be out somewhere,” Lexa said with a raspy voice.

“We were out,” Octavia said. “But we got back and waited for you when Anya called Lincoln and told him to put on the news.”

“She might have warned us that you might be coming by,” Raven said. 

“We wanted to be here, Lex,” Clarke said softly. “I know you were alone in those woods, but you’re not alone in this. Not this time.”

Lexa felt her mouth falling open slightly, completely taken aback by the statement. But then she closed it and felt the corners of her mouth pull slightly up. She didn’t say anything, she didn’t need to. Everyone in the room understood.

“Alright,” Raven said. “I know that I’m new to all of this serial killer stuff, but,” she said and Lexa noted how Clarke turned her head so fast that Lexa was worried about her neck. 

“ _ Raven! _ ” She hissed, but Raven plowed on.

“No, I was just wondering, would it be completely wrong if I suggested that we’d bring out the popcorn and the wine and just… Like… Check out of our lives for the duration of a Star Wars movie marathon or something?”

Lexa blinked. Then she felt a laugh bubble in her throat and before she knew it, she was laughing and smiling and in this moment, absolutely  _ loving  _ that Raven existed.

“Was it something I said?” Raven said, which only made Lexa laugh harder. She shook her head and tired to speak, but couldn’t honestly catch her breath. She started to feel Lincoln’s body shake and knew without looking at him that he’d also lost it.

_ We’ve all gone crazy _ , Lexa thought as she looked around the room with tears in her eyes, noticing that now everybody was cracking up. After about five minutes, Lexa started to try and calm down.

“Okay, okay, I can’t,” she said and held a hand over her stomach. “I can’t keep going, my stomach hurts too much. I don’t know about everyone else, but I say screw it. Yes, let’s do it.”

“Fine,” Octavia said and got up.

“Nope, I’ll do it,” Lincoln said and jumped up, causing Lexa to practically fly into Clarke. “I don’t want you to burn down the house, or harm that baby. That little munchkin hasn't gotten old enough to deserve such a fate.”

“Hey!” O said, but then she froze. Her gaze flickered to Lexa and then back at Lincoln, and then back at Lexa. Lexa, who started to realize that they must have told the other two, remembered that Octavia didn’t know that Lexa had known for months.

“Oh,” Lincoln said and scratched the back of his head.

“No,” Octavia said in horror and turned around.

“Well-”

“You  _ didn’t _ !”

“I was freaking out!”

“And you didn’t think  _ I _ was!” Then she whirled around and Lincoln fled into the kitchen. “How long?”

Lexa swallowed, not knowing if it was safe to answer. But seeing the fire in her eyes, she decided it was better to do what she was told. “Two weeks before I came here.”

“ _ Lincoln _ !” But then Octavia took a deep breath and turned around again. “Please excuse me, I have to go and kill him. I’m not mad at you though,” she said to Lexa before dashing into the kitchen.

Lexa huffed out a breath as she went and turned to look at Clarke and Raven who looked like they were biting their lips hard enough to draw blood, trying to keep themselves from laughing. Just seeing their expressions made Lexa explode a second time.

“I don’t think,” Lexa wheezed it in between the laughter. “That I’ve laughed this much since making Lieutenant.”

“Oh but you’re in Polis now Lexa,” Raven said and wiped away the tears. “You’re going to laugh this much at least once a week, maybe two if you press it.”

Clarke chuckled and nodded. “Pretty sure that’s why I stay in shape.”

Lexa just shook her head and ran her own hand over her face, pretty positive that she looked horrendous. “I’m just gonna go and freshen up,” she mumbled to Clarke and climbed off of her with some difficulty. “I’ll be back in a sec.”

She walked into the bathroom and nearly had a heart attack. She looked worse than horrendous, she looked  _ appalling _ . Seeing how her mascara had run made her rethink her decision about wearing it, she looked almost identical to a raccoon. Her eyes were red and had almost swollen shut, her hair was a mess and she was pretty sure some of it was caused by all of the snot that had dripped into it. 

Yep, she was taking a shower.

She exited the bathroom and was hoping to just run across the hall and borrow some clothes from Octavia, but had to jerk back when she found Clarke on the other side of the door, hand raised as if she had been close to knocking.

“Sorry,” Clarke said as Lexa turned around, not wanting Clarke to see her like that. When Clarke realized this, she could hear her sigh softly. She felt Clarke’s chin coming to rest atop her shoulder and her hands to rest upon the soft swell of her hips. “Hey.”

“Hey?”

“You do know that I think you are the most beautiful person on this earth, right?”

Lexa scoffed. “Not possible.”

“Yes possible,” Clarke said softly and pressed a kiss to the back of Lexa’s neck which caused her to shudder. “Turn around.” Lexa thought it over, but shook her head slightly. “Lexa.”

“Clarke I really appreciate you thinking that I’m…”

“That you’re beautiful?” Her voice was so calm and full of love that it made Lexa’s heart clench. So she sighed and reluctantly turned in her arms. She ducked her head, but her chin was caught when Clarke’s hand came up, capturing it. “Hey.”

Lexa just sighed and looked into her eyes. “I look horrible.”

“No,” Clarke whispered and kissed each corner of her eyes. “You could never look horrible. You look strong.”

Lexa scoffed.

“I mean it.”

Lexa leaned her forehead against Clarke’s and let her hands rest on her shoulders. If someone were to look, it would almost look like they were dancing.

“I only came to check on you,” Clarke murmured. “Lincoln and Octavia came back, they’re sort of friends again. Not quite at husband and wife level yet, but they’re getting there.” She paused and when she paused again, Lexa could hear the smile in her voice. “You’re going to become an aunt.”

Lexa felt her lips stretch into a matching smile. “Yeah. Isn’t it amazing?”

“It’s surreal. A baby, a real baby.”

Lexa chuckled at Clarke’s soft words of wonder. “That’s why I moved here,” Lexa confessed. “I moved here so that the baby could have the opportunity to have a more normal family then we ever did.” 

Clarke sighed at her words. “You’re too good for this world,” she mumbled. Lexa scoffed at the words. “Stop that.” Lexa chuckled instead.

“I want that house to be perfect,” Lexa said wishfully. “I’m going to make a nursery for the baby, so they can stay over as much as they like.”

“Oh?” Clarke said in a tone that made Lexa’s stomach flutter.

“I’m going to spoil that kid rotten,” she laughed. “Starting with buying one of those cheesy onsies that say ‘ _ World’s Best Aunt _ ’ or something. Anya’s going to hate me, but I’m willing to put up a fight.”

Clarke laughed at the statement and kissed her softly one, two, three times. “You’ve already won in my eyes.”

“Yeah but you’re just a bit biased,” Lexa said breathlessly.

“Just a bit?”

“Maybe more than a bit,” Lexa said softly and kissed her once more. Then she heard Raven yell at them to hurry up, and she sighed. “Go on. I’ll come out, but I have to shower first. No matter what you say, I’m disgusting right now and the other’s, I’m sorry to tell you, but they don’t share the same affection for me as you have.”

Clarke barked out a laugh. “Lucky for them that they don’t. Only I am allowed to have these thoughts about you,” she said with a smirk that did something very funny with Lexa’s brain.

“I-I’m not-”

But Clarke just smiled and kissed her again, this time not so gentle, but with a clear purpose. She pressed their mouths together and sucked on Lexa’s bottom lip, making Lexa forget about time altogether. She felt Clarke’s hands travel the length of her body and she couldn’t stop the gasp that tore through her lips when she felt Clarke’s thumbs graze her breasts. 

“Mine,” Clarke mumbled into her mouth and Lexa could only nod.

But then she stepped a full step back, leaving Lexa breathless and stunned with her mouth hanging open. “Don’t take too long,” she said innocently as she turned around to go back and watch the movie. Lexa just stared after her and couldn’t move until she heard the opening credits of the first movie play.

_ Get it together _ , she thought as she ran a hand through her tangled hair. Shower. Right.

She walked into Octavia and Lincoln’s room, snagging a shirt from Lincoln’s dresser and a pair of underwear from Octavia, thinking that she could still have her own pants on. Then she dashed back into the bathroom and stepped under the warm spray of water, sighing slightly. She tilted her head up and let the water run over her face, clearing it of the mess that the morning news caused. The picture of Hannah flashed through her mind, causing her to open her eyes and take a shaky breath.

Hannah didn’t deserve the fate that she’d gotten.  _ One day _ , Lexa thought and clenched her teeth together. One day she would make him pay for what he’d done, just as her father was doing. One day this man would also just be wasting away in a lonely cell somewhere, forgotten and alone, serving life sentence after life sentence.

That was something that she  _ could  _ do, she realized.

She got out of the shower and dried her hair, slipped into Lincoln’s way too large black t-shirt, who went mid thigh on her, and struggled into her jeans again before taking one last look at her reflection through the foggy mirror. Her eyes were still puffy, but no longer red. She tried a smile, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. She sighed. She was being ridiculous.

She walked out of the bathroom and smiled at the state of her brother and friends. Lincoln on the edge of the couch with Octavia’s feet in his lap, absentmindedly massaging them with his eyes trained on the screen. Octavia said in one of the arm chairs, hugging a bowl of popcorn to her chest with her legs thrown over the side and feet in Lincoln’s lap. Raven sat in the other armchair, currently stuffing a fist full of popcorn into her mouth, eyes flickering around the screen. Clarke also sat on the couch, on the other end.

It was like Clarke just knew that Lexa would appear. Her eyes were drawn to Lexa’s the instant she walked into the room. Lexa plopped down next to Clarke, laying down and putting her head in Clarke’s lap, tucking her feet in behind Lincoln’s back. She heard Lincoln let out a sigh, but Lexa didn’t dwell on it too long. After all, she’d been doing that almost every movie night that they had had over the years.

She let out a breath of content as she breathed in Clarke’s scent and almost let out a whimper when she felt Clarke started running her hand through Lexa’s damp curls. Her fingers scratched her scalp and Lexa could feel her eyes starting to close, pretty sure she’d never felt so taken care of and so safe ever before.

Laying like this with Clarke’s hand in her hair, feet against Lincoln and surrounded by people who she knew wouldn’t hurt her, it didn’t take long for Lexa’s eyes to drift shut and for her to fall asleep.

//

Clarke smiled softly when she noticed that Lexa’s breathing evened out. She was sleeping. She kept playing with Lexa’s hair, enjoying it far too much to stop even though Lexa was probably miles away by now.

She kept seeing flashes of Hannah’s very alive face and Lexa’s very still one, and she knew that she would have to confront that at some point. But not right now. Not when Lexa needed her.

It had taken everything in her not to fall apart when Lexa had sunk to the floor. Clarke pretty much felt her heart break in half at the sight, and then into a million other pieces when the completely broken sobs had torn through her body. 

Lexa had later disappeared behind her wall of curls and all Clarke could think of was trying to calm Lexa down by gently stroking her leg. She felt completely helpless. But she hadn’t been alone, Lincoln was there, also holding her, Octavia sat with a book in her lap and Raven sat with her phone, present but not crowding her. Clarke couldn’t be anything but grateful towards them. 

As she sat now stroking her hair, she couldn’t help but hate whoever was out there. She hated him so much that her blood started to boil. Lexa had done nothing wrong, not then and not now. She had saved so many people, more than Clarke thought even Lexa realized. Titus Forest had killed thirty seven women, but if Lexa hadn’t followed him that day, that number could’ve very easily doubled, tripled, even quadrupled before someone finally caught on.

She hated that even though Lexa was a hero to her, there were people out there who only saw Lexa as a ‘Forest’. She hated that one of those people had turned out to be just as sick as her father and was now out to kill her. And she hated all of them, because Lexa was still just a girl, and anyone who paid attention would know with complete certainty that Lexa would never even hurt a fly unless she thought that fly was hurting someone else. 

She ended up watching Lexa’s chest rise and fall for most of the first movie. She was so lost in thought, she barely even noticed the first one ending and the second one beginning.

“Hey,” Octavia said quietly and Clarke looked up.

“Hm?”

“How are you holding up?”

Clarke looked down on Lexa again, feeling her eyes starting to tear up. “I don’t know,” she whispered back. “It’s hard,” she forced out and looked back at Lincoln. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Whatever happens next,” Lincoln said in a low voice and eyes trained on Lexa as well, “”We’ll be there.” And then he looked back at her. “You can always call me. I’ve seen most things,” he said and sighed. But then he smiled. “For the record, I don’t think you’ll need my help. You’re doing just fine.”

Clarke nodded, tried to swallow down the lump in her throat and scratched Lexa’s scalp, causing a sigh to escape Lexa. Clarke smiled softly at the sound. “Let’s just make it through this psycho.”

Raven raised her bowl of almost empty popcorn up in the air, and in a quiet but not so quiet whisper, she said “Hear hear!”

//

“Lexa, can you come and take a look at something?” Bellamy called out through the window to where Lexa was sitting with her computer. Even though there was a serial killer out there, Lexa still had work to do and Bellamy and his crew worked endlessly on her house so that it could be finished soon. They had been working on it now for a little over a month and it was starting to look… Better.

“Sure, what’s up?” Lexa said and entered the kitchen. 

Bellamy stood where they had just torn out the previous kitchen cabinets, they’d discovered mold and holes and multiple other things which had made Lexa’s decision about putting in new ones very easy. 

“Come here,” he said and pointed to the spot next to him, while looking out of the hole they had done in the wall yesterday. Lexa raised an eyebrow but walked over to where he stood, and saw what he meant.

A smile spread on her lips as she took in the view. She could see the lake glimmer in the sunlight, she could see the mountains and hills fall and rise around it, she could even see a wood stork taking off, a glimmer fish in his beak.

“It’s even more beautiful than I imagined,” Lexa murmured.

“Right? So I was thinking if, what if,” he said and dashed over to the wall a few feet from where the kitchen was supposed to end. “What if we opened up for another window here? A full length window, with a big kitchen table in front of it, you know, for family gatherings, friends over for dinner?”

Lexa walked over to where he stood, thinking. “I could see that, yeah,” she said and walked around. “So the kitchen area would end here,” she thought aloud and walked over to the market area. “Kitchen island with the view, both over the lake but also the garden while still being faced towards the kitchen, inviting for conversation. Yeah, I mean, the kitchen table there with a full length window? That wouldn’t keep people in the kitchen, that would offer a natural transition from the kitchen to the dining area without disturbing the need for the view.”

Bellamy grinned. “So?”

“Do it,” Lexa nodded and laughed when Bellamy fist pumped in the air.

“This is going to be awesome, you just wait.”

“It’s already great,” Lexa laughed. “I’ve decided on a color for the nursery too, a pale green one.”

“It’s going to be great, and then you could find one of those antique cribs and maybe a dark wood dresser, bring forth the earthy feel for the room, have like a white carpet in there on top of the dark wood floors.”

Lexa looked at him with a laugh in her eyes.

“What?”

“You sure you don’t wanna rethink your career choice and become an interior designer?”

He just snorted. “Nah.”

Lexa shook her head but walked up the staircase and walked into a room with a view of the front yard. She leaned against the doorframe and pictured it, the pale green color, the little crib, the dresser and the rocking chair. Before the little one was born, she planned on hitting the store, buying some clothes and stuffed animals, maybe hanging some cute prints on the wall. She had this amazing idea of a photo wall, with the ultrasound picture as the centerpiece. 

She sighed and opened the can of paint that she’d put there yesterday. But before she’d had time to dip the brush in it, her ringtone blared out.

“Hello?” She said into the phone, putting the unused brush into her back pocket.

“ _ Hi, is this Lexa Woods? _ ” Said a male voice and in the background she could hear the sound of faint music and a rumbling sound, as if the person was in a car.

“Yes this is she?”

“ _ Great, I’m just calling to let you know that we’ll be at your house in about half an hour with your delivery. _ ”

“My what?”

“ _ Yeah, we’re coming to deliver a bed, paid by Gustus and Nyko Woods? It was paid to be shipped all the way from New York, and by the look and size of it, I’m pretty sure it’s a damn good bed. _ ”

“A bed?” She said in disbelief, but sighed. “Alright. Half an hour you said?”

“ _ Sure thing. _ ”

“Alright, see you then.”

She hung up and scratched her forehead before calling downstairs to where Bellamy and George were working on that opening for the window. “Hey, guys?”

“Yeah?” Bellamy said and the loud noise from the machine they were using stopped. “What’s up?”

“Apparently there’s a bed coming soon,” she said with a sigh. “Would you guys mind helping the other guys that’s bringing it with getting it into the house? By the sound of them, it’s big.”

“Sure,” George said with a laugh. “You don’t know what you ordered?”

“I sure would have, if I had been the one doing the ordering,” she called back and shook her head, cursing her uncle’s. “It’s being shipped from New York.”

“Woah,” Bellamy said as he came up the stairs. “Then that must be an impressive bed.”

“That’s what they said,” she grumbled and walked into the master bedroom. “Lucky thing we already finished with the floors and walls in here,” she said. “If we’d done it my way, the bathroom would’ve been done first but then the bed would’ve been stuck somewhere else. Good work.”

“You didn’t hire me to let my client down, now did you,” he said with a smirk. “But alright, bed against the wall?” He said and pointed to the wall that was opposite of the wall with the windows. Lexa nodded.

“Yeah,” she said and moved her hand through her head. “I just hope that they didn’t go crazy.”

“They?”

“My Uncle’s who ordered the bed. They can get a bit… Extreme.”

Bellamy grinned. “Well, if you don’t want it, I can-”

“Don’t even think about it,” she laughed and smacked him on the arm. “Besides, you have to compete with Anya.”

“Speaking of which, when will I get to meet her? She’s been in town now for a good week or so, does she ever come out of that station?”

Bellamy had been filled in by Octavia of what happened. She suspected that’s why Bellamy always went with his crew up to the house whenever he knew that she would be there. That’s why Clarke could be coming here after her shift was done at the hospital, that’s why Raven would come over with pizza and that’s why tomorrow when she was on shift, everyone would be laughing and keeping the feeling in the room light. They were all doing things to make her feel better and safer, and Lexa could honestly say that she had never felt so touched before in her life.

She could never have guessed in a million years that coming back to Polis, the town where it all started, would be the place where she would find her home in. Just thinking about where she was twenty years ago and where she was now in terms of people in her life? The thought of what she’d gained by moving here often brought tears to her eyes.

She kept those thoughts to herself, because she had no idea how to put words to them. There were not words big enough to express what she was feeling towards these people.

“I don’t know. I mean I could always ask if she wanted to come over tonight, bring, like, five large pizzas or whatever that we could eat on the porch? Clarke and Raven are going to be here anyways, I can ask if O and Linc can come.”

Bellamy just grinned. “What about, we bring the entire gang over?”

Lexa paused. “The… Entire gang? You mean, like-”

“Monty, Jasper, Harper, Maya, Roan, all of them!”

Lexa eyes him suspiciously. “You sure that’s a good idea?”

“Sure,” he said with a grin. “I mean, we’d want to make her feel welcome, do we not?”

“I guess-”

“Great! You like the Hawaiian pizza, right?”

“Yeah, but-”

“Can’t believe how someone would murder a pizza by putting pineapple on it though,” he said under his breath and Lexa just huffed out a breath.

“Just order me a pineapple and bacon pizza. And you better make sure that no one ruins my house,” she said and pointed a finger at home. “You’ll be the one to fix it later anyways.”

“Ha ha,” he said sarcastically. “We’re all adults here tonight, I’m sure that they’ll know how to behave.”

Lexa raised an eyebrow.

“Maybe we need to keep an eye on Raven, and maybe Monty and Jasper, but other than those-”

“You’re just proving my point,” Lexa said with a laugh. “But fine, see who can make it and then adjust accordingly.”

“ _ Yes _ !” He said and walked out the room, already with his phone in his hand, texting away.

Lexa sighed and brought her own phone out, bringing up her conversation with Clarke. The other night when Clarke had stayed over for a movie night Clarke had grabbed her phone and her thumb had just swirled over the screen, Lexa only noticing when she’d walked back with two wine glasses. Whenever she thought of that night, a soft smile appeared on her lips.

_ “Clarke, what are you doing?” Lexa asked with a chuckle when she saw Clarke scrolling through her own phone. _

_ “Hm?” _

_ “If I’m not mistaken, that’s mine,” Lexa said and tipped the bottle of wine forward, filling up their glasses. _

_ “Didn’t notice,” Clarke said while a grin spread across her face. _

_ She walked over to the couch and plopped down next to her, handing her her glass and leaned her chin against Clarke’s shoulder. But when she saw what she was doing, Lexa felt her eyes widen and she couldn’t help the wide smile that grew on her lips. _

_ “‘ _ My Love _ ’,” Lexa said in question and looked over at Clarke softly and kissed her temple. “You do know that I don’t need a reminder of that, right? Just seeing your name makes me smile.” _

_ “I know,” Clarke said and looked over, eyes wandering to her mouth. “I did for anyone who might be unaware of the fact that you’re taken.” _

_ Lexa felt her smile grow and by the time her lips touched Clarke, the butterflies in her stomach had taken over her entire body, making her limbs jittery and her mind hazy. _

_ “I love you,” Lexa said softly and watched how Clarke’s eyes widened. “I’ve probably always been in love with you.” Clarke could only swallow and nod, and Lexa was once again struck by just how blue Clarke’s eyes were. It was like looking out into the galaxy. “And I probably always will.” _

_ Clarke scoffed and licked her lips. “Probably?” _

_ Lexa laughed. “You’re right. I most likely will always love you.” _

_ “Most likely, my ass! Take that back!” She said with a laugh and hit her lightly in the arm with a pillow. Lexa laughed harder and dodged the pillow by bringing her closer to Clarke and capturing her lips once more. _

_ “I love you, too, you know,” Clarke murmured and Lexa felt as if someone had draped a warm blanket around her heart. Clarke kissed her again before settling comfortably against Lexa’s front and propped the computer that sat beside her in her lap. “You’re going to love this,” she said and hit play on their second movie of the night. Lexa just smiled softly and started moving her hands through Clarke’s blonde locks. But as she shifted her gaze onto the computer, she snorted. _

_ “Frozen? Really Clarke?” _

_ “Ssch, you’ll love it.” _

Lexa smiled and typed a quick message to Clarke before heading downstairs, having heard the truck drive up. She opened the door just as they were hopping out of the truck, she lifted her hand in a wave but found it frozen in place when she saw the bed in question.

Bellamy walked out and froze beside her. “That,” he said with a low whistle. “Is one  _ massive  _ bed.”

Lexa couldn’t even think of an answer to give him, because he was right. That was probably one of the largest beds that she had ever seen. “How is that even supposed to get  _ into  _ the house?” She said in a mix of horror and disbelief.

“Don’t worry!” One of the guys from the truck called out. “It disassembles!”

“Oh thank God,” Lexa muttered and walked down to where the truck was parked. She’d only seen the mattress, but when she looked into the van, she nearly started to cry. “Excuse me,” she muttered to the two guys and fished out her phone and dialed Gustus.

“ _ Do you like it? _ ” His happy voice said through the phone and Lexa just opened and closed her mouth before finally being able to let out a stuttering answer.

“I-, it’s too-, You didn’t have to-”

“ _ You know we’d do anything for our little girl _ ,” she heard Gustus say and Lexa sighed.

“You do know that I grew up, right? I’m twenty eight years old and very capable of buying my own bed.”

“ _ Yes I do know that, but you’re still my little girl. And I’m allowed to spoil you, I don’t get the opportunity to do that anymore now that you’ve moved. _ ”

Lexa just sighed, giving up. She knew she’d never win with him. “I’m having a room for you two done,” she said in response to that. “And just wait until you see the place, it’s amazing.”

“ _ Knowing you, I know it is. You’ve always been incredibly picky. _ ”

“Hey!”

“ _ Speaking of which, the bedframe, is it approved? I was actually contemplating FaceTiming you when I was at the store, but I opted against it. Was that wrong or did I pass? _ ”

Lexa only shook her head as it was being unloaded out of the truck. “It’s beautiful,” she mumbled. “It’s… I don’t even have words.”

“ _ You’re going to make me cry, stop that _ ,” Gustus said in a gruff voice. “ _ Me and Nyko are planning to get down there soon, come visit you all since you’re all in one place. That hasn’t happened since Christmas, _ ” He grumbled and Lexa let out a small laugh. She hadn’t told them yet about what was happening. She didn’t want to worry them, and she hated that this was happening all over again and that she would end up changing their lives  _ again _ . She figured waiting a few weeks wouldn’t be all that bad.

“Alright,” she said. “I have to go and carry this monster inside now, but maybe we can FaceTime later or something,” she said and watched how Bellamy was helping them carry in a piece of the frame.

“ _ Sounds good kiddo. Say hi to Anya and Lincoln for me! _ ”

“Will do. Love you!”

“ _ Love you too, Lexi _ ,” he said and her thumb hovered over the red button for a second before pressing on it. She made a mental note of calling them more, just hearing his voice brought a whole other sense of calm into her soul.

She walked up to the guy that brought out yet another piece and jumped up into the van to help him with the last bag. “You ready?” She asked him as she jumped down, pointing to the headboard. He just looked her up and down.

“You sure?” He decided on, his voice asking a very clear question of whether not she’d be strong enough to even lift it. Lexa just raised an eyebrow and levelled him with a stare..

“Never mind,” he mumbled and hurried to the other side of the head board. Lexa noted with amusement that he grunted when he lifted it off the ground.

“You okay over there?” Lexa asked as they started to walk.

He just nodded in response. Then looked over at her and looked completely bewildered. Lexa just chuckled and shook her head, keeping her mouth shut, letting him ponder that one for a while. Bellamy walked by and Lexa switched so that she was carrying it with one hand and tapped on his shoulder. “Hey, you might wanna take over for that guy,” she said with a laugh. “I think it’s a bit heavy for him and I don’t want it to get dropped in the stairs.”

The guy holding the other end just stared at Lexa’s one hand, holding the frame. He was panting while holding it with two. “How do you do that? You have superpowers or something?”

Bellamy just looked at him before laughing. “Oh bro, what did you say?”

“Nothing, I swear it!”

“You’ve had to have done something,” he argued but stepped over and took the other end from him, liberating him from the weight.

“I only asked if she’d be alright!”

Bellamy just looked at him before barking out a laugh. “You asked Lexa whether or not she’d be able to handle it? Oh man, I’m sorry.”

The other man just scratched his head, clearly confused. “Alright, fine, I give up. What’s so funny about that? I was being polite!”

“Next time,” Lexa said in a sweet but icy tone, earning another laugh from Bellamy. “Don’t make assumptions on my strength based on my gender. I could lift you and carry you over my shoulder, if I wanted to.” Then she continued into the house and up the stairs, leaving him with his mouth open and Bellamy following her, laughing into the house.

“That was golden,” he said while upstairs and wiped his forehead. “Alright, let’s set it down here and, oh-” he said and took a step back. “Lexa, come here and- Just-”

“I know,” she said and smiled. “It’s perfect.”

The large bed frame and headboard was made out of this weathered white finish and crafted from what she assumed was a solid wooden type. The wood was crafted to look really unique and elegant, while still managing not to take over. One of the guys brought up two bags and Lexa noted that they hadn’t only bought her the bed, but also bedding. She almost sobbed. She could see a corner of a light grey bedspread, a beige bed throw and, best of all, multiple pillows, all in different pillow cases.

_ They know me too well. _

“Well,” Bellamy said and nudged the air mattress that she had been sleeping on out of the way. “Let’s get this monster fixed up, so that you can finally start sleeping on something that won’t give me pain just by looking at it. I honestly don’t know how you managed this long,” he said and eyed the air mattress with a look of contempt.

Lexa chuckled. “Commitment,” she answered dryly. “I’ll just head downstairs and see if those poor men want something to drink. That thing  _ was  _ heavy,” she said with a chuckle.

They walked down the stairs and found the two men sitting on the grass, their shirts soaked through. She noted how they must not be used to the southern heat, and they did help her bring everything in.  _ And _ , he was only trying to be nice, even if he was an ignorant  _ man _ .

“What do you guys say about some cold beer?” She called out and laughed when they scrambled up with their ‘ _ yes please _ ’ ringing out. “Alright then, come one in.”

Later that evening when the workers had gone, or rather scurried away, Lexa and Bellamy sat, sweaty, in Lexa’s bedroom, side by side and admired what they’d just spent three hours putting together.

“I can’t believe they bought me a monster,” Lexa mumbled for the fifth time in disbelief.

“I can’t believe we actually did  _ that _ in just a few hours,” Bellamy said in wonder.

“I wasn’t even aware that you could have a bed this  _ huge _ ,” Lexa went on.

“You could lay down, across it and not touch the other end. How  _ cool  _ is that?” Bellamy said in amazement.

“They’ve lost it,” Lexa grumbled.

“You’ve lost it,” Bellamy said. “If I’d gotten a bed this size?I’d be jumping up and down, popping the champagne, doing a happy dance!”

Lexa snorted and looked over. “A happy dance?”

“Oh trust me, every victory needs to be celebrated with a happy dance,” he said with a smirk. “Or, you know, other stuff.”

Lexa frowned. “What other stuff?”

He looked to the bed, and then back at Lexa, and then back towards the bed. “Clarke’s coming over later, right?”

“Yeah, she’s coming over with everyone else. Why would you eve-” Then her eyes widened in realization and she felt her cheeks burn. “ _ Bellamy, you did not just say that _ !”

Bellamy fell sideways laughing. “Oh my God, your face!” He wheezed out and Lexa just shook her head, burying it in her hands. “Oh c’mon, we’re all adults here!”

“Alright, alright,” she said and waved a hand in the air, as if she were waving away him and his dirty mind. “Shouldn’t you be downstairs, putting in windows or something?”

He just laughed harder at her discomfort, but got up and she could hear his laughter carry all the way down to the kitchen. Lexa sighed and leaned her head back against the wall, admiring the bed some more.

The room that she had chosen to become the master was one of the largest bedrooms in the house and had its own bathroom connected to it. The room was in a rectangular shape, with a window lining the wall overlooking the lake and the mountains. That’s why she’d chosen this room, she didn't care about the size of it. She simply just loved the view. The room was directly above the kitchen, so she got an even better view of the completely breathtaking one from up here then she did down there. Her bathroom was on the right, two windows in there as well seeing as that were placed in the corner of the house.

She’d chosen to keep the dark wooden floors that the house originally had throughout the house, only replacing the rooms which had been damaged with new identical floor boards, and she’d picked this very subtle wallpaper for her master bedroom. It was this light grey wallpaper with softly outlined white flowers, almost giving the feeling of the flowers dancing over the walls, blowing gently in a breeze. It created this feeling of calmness, she could feel it every time she walked into the room. And now, with this masterpiece of a bed…

It was coming together, that’s for sure. The vision that she’d had that very first time she’d seen the pictures of the house, it was coming to life in the most beautiful way possible and she smiled softly at the thought.

Now her room was nearly done, or felt like it anyways. The bed stood as the room’s centerpiece, big, yes, but since the room too was big, it fit just right in. Beside it on either side stood two matching nightstands in the same weathered white finish that the Uncle’s also had sent along and Lexa shuddered at the thought of what all of this would have cost them. 

The colors that the Uncle’s had picked out were in mild tones of white, beige and dark grey, going hand in hand with her dark wooden floors and light grey wallpapers. She suspected that Lincoln probably had a hand in them choosing a color scheme, but right now she couldn’t bring herself to care. The only pieces of furniture missing now was a dresser and a mirror. And, of course, pictures.

She had an idea, but she’d keep that one to herself. She wanted it to become a surprise for Clarke. Lexa actually had multiple surprises about the house that she’d kept from Clarke. She hoped that the blonde wouldn’t hate her too much for it, but Lexa was a sucker for surprises. She wasn’t much a fan of receiving one, being on the other side was much more fun.

“Lex, what time did you say everyone was getting here?” Bellamy shouted up the stairs. Lexa checked what Clarke had written her.

“Around 7!” She shouted back.

“Alright, I’m gonna head home and hit the showers, see you in a bit!”

“Okay,” she said and got up herself. It was now five thirty and if she wanted to be presentable for the  _ horde  _ of people that would be coming over soon, she’d better get going.

She jumped into the only working shower and hastily worked to knead the shampoo through her hair and patiently wait for the water to completely rinse it. She should be grateful that even one worked, the house was very old, but in moments like these she wouldn’t have complained if it had been just a little bit faster.

She got out and proceeded with blow drying it, something she only did when pressed for time. She did love the feel of the hair getting all warm and soft, but she knew that it destroyed it all the same. Once that was done, she walked over to the duffle bag where her clothes lay folded into piles. 

“I need to buy a dresser,” she mumbled to herself as she pulled out a pair of light blue jeans with one ripped knee and a dark blue long sleeved sweater with the New York Rangers logo being sprawled with faded letters across the front. While the days were hot as hell, the nights could get chilly, especially now since September was running towards its end. 

After getting dressed she dashed downstairs, sighing in relief when she noticed that Bellamy had picked up after the day’s work. The windows above where the sink would be were now in, and the hole in the wall they’d done for the full length window was taped shut. Her kitchen cabinets and countertops and everything would be coming this week Bellamy said, and Lexa had done a small happy dance in her head when he’d announced that.

She couldn’t wait to see how it all came together.

“Hey babe,” Clarke called from the front door and Lexa whirled around, not having heard her drive up. Without Parker she was usually a lot more careless towards sounds, and since Parker were with Lincoln and Octavia today for a puppy play date, today was one of those days.

“Hey,” Lexa said and smiled into the brief kiss Clarke gave her. 

“Ugh, I’m  _ so  _ annoyed by this  _ woman _ I met today,” Clarke said and emphasized the word woman with such a negative tone that Lexa almost didn’t dare ask about what she’d done to get Clarke this worked up. Clarke rarely ever got worked up. “I know I can’t really talk about it, but I really  _ have to talk about it _ .”

“Then talk about it, in our line of work, they could hardly blame us.”

Clarke plopped down on the temporary couch that George, one of Bellamy’s construction crew workers, had lent her when she’d once complained about having to sit on her air mattress when sitting with her computer. 

“So this woman came in today with her son, and I’m just  _ so mad  _ that she’s even allowed to have one! She- She’s just-  _ Ugh _ !” She said and got up and paced in the living room. The crew had already put up the wallpapers in there so that room was almost done. She’d picked a dark denim blue wallpaper with a repeating pattern, almost like very intricate rhombuses, and Lexa, when asked by Clarke why she’d chosen those, had simply replied that the color reminded her of her eyes. Clarke had blushed and moved on, and Lexa had smiled softly at her reaction.

She only lacked furniture, which they were on their way of getting. 

Lexa loved the fact that she and Clarke were looking at furniture together, as if the matter had already been decided that Clarke was moving in. While Lexa knew that that would be a dream come true, she also knew that it was a very big step and that maybe, they should take things a bit slower. But seeing Clarke pace around in there, Lexa couldn’t help but feel like her moving in was more of a fact then a question. Of course she should have a say in which couch they were getting, in what wallpaper would go in the kitchen and which lamps they would get. In no world was that a question in Lexa’s head.

They had decided on a large couch in a light beige color that they’d found on a website. Lexa’s hand had hovered over the “purchase” button when Clarke had slapped her hand away in horror, claiming that ‘ _ You can’t buy a couch online! You have to test it out! _ ’. So that’s why the two of them were going all the way to Greenville on Saturday where the store was so that they could… Test it out.

“I met him a few weeks ago, and I had some worry then but this time!” She said and threw her hands up in the air. “ _ This time I have no doubt!  _ I’ve filed a report of concern to the child protective services, but that could take  _ months! _ ” She sighed then and sat down, and Lexa sensed the frustration had left and worry taken over, so she went over and wrapped her arms around her.

“I’m sorry,” she said and felt how Clarke dropped her head onto her shoulders.

“I just wanted to grab that sweet little boy,” she said and sighed. “He doesn’t deserve any of it.”

“I know.”

“We could give him a much better life,” Clarke whimpered. “I mean, anyone could, it’s not like it’s hard. His mother  _ beats  _ him,” she said and her voice shook with anger. “She beats him and then when she comes in, she has  _ the nerve  _ to tell me to  _ hurry up  _ because she’s pressed on time.  _ If she didn’t beat him, she wouldn’t have to come in at all! _ ”

“Want me to go over there?” Lexa said and smiled when she heard Clarke snort. “I could give her a piece of my mind.”

“Yeah?”

“Absolutely.”

Clarke sighed and sagged into her shoulder, finally letting go of the tense feelings this mother had caused. “I love you.”

Lexa smiled. “I love you too.” Lexa glanced at her wristwatch she’d put on and sighed. “But, if you’d like to shower before the mob gets here, you should hurry. They'll be here in thirty minutes.”

“Crap.” Then she stopped short and laughed, leaning back to look at Lexa. “Mob? Babe, you know that it was you who asked them here, right?”

“Bellamy,” she grumbled. “It was Bellamy’s idea, his excuse being that he wanted Anya to meet everyone. But what does it matter if she meets everyone, it’s not like she’s gonna stick around after all of this… Is over,” she said and chose not to bring up the current situation. She was sick and tired of crying, of being afraid and of feeling helpless.

Clarke, sensing why she chose to put it that way, leaned in and kissed her. “I know. But maybe she’ll end up sticking around a bit longer, who knows? I mean, she could have worked this case from Chicago, right?”

Lexa nodded after some thought. “Sure, I guess.”

“Maybe she wants to stick around.”

“Fine, maybe she will. But that doesn’t stop me from worrying about tonight. I know your friends,” she said and eyed Clarke. “They’re crazy.”

Clarke barked out a laugh. “First of all, they’re  _ our  _ friends, and second of all, they’re not  _ all  _ crazy.”

“Not helping. And Anya isn’t exactly calm either.”

“No?” Clarke said and lifted an eyebrow. “Now that I think about it, I don’t think you’ve talked much about how you guys were as kids.”

“Maybe Anya’ll have some ridiculous story she can tell you tonight,” Lexa said with a chuckle. “I can give you others another time. Now, chop chop.”

“Alright, fine, I’m going,” Clarke said with a laugh, but instead of getting up, she leaned in and kissed her with such force that Lexa toppled backwards on the couch, Clarke following and landing on top of her. She put one hand above Lexa’s head, stabilizing herself, and Lexa could very easily say that she wasn’t all opposed to the current turn of events. Lexa hummed into the kiss, but that quickly turned into a soft gasp when she felt Clarke tug at her hair.

“‘M serious,” Lexa mumbled, hating that her voice betrayed her as it contained no trace of her being serious at all.

“I know,” Clarke said, but ignored the statement.

After a while she placed one last lingering kiss on Lexa’s lips before leaning back, smiling softly into Lexa’s eyes and then getting up, leaving Lexa breathless and still on her back on the couch. 

“I missed you today,” she said and turned and dashed up the stairs, leaving Lexa with the most stupid smile on her face and with no chance of replying.

“ _ Oh my God! _ ” She heard Clarke shout out loud and Lexa only had to think for a second before bursting into laughter, knowing that Clarke had walked into the bedroom and having seen the bed, or rather, the monster, which Lexa hadn’t told her about yet. 

“ _ This thing is HUGE! _ ”

She laughed so hard that tears were streaming down her face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I just say that I LOVE getting the comments about who the copycat is? I mean, I know who it is but it's so much fun reading your comments and seeing your guesses, it makes me so happy! So while I don't answer them, I do read them so keep em coming! ;)
> 
> Stay safe! X


	18. Moonshine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! Happy (soon) Monday everyone! I've had a really good and relaxing weekend filled with the perfect mix of rewatching old USWNT matches and writing on this baby, so after going back and forth a bit I decided why not just post this little chapter a few days early? ;)
> 
> Thank you for all of your support on this story, you guys are the best!!
> 
> And with that, enjoy this little charmer of a chapter! - fantasycloud

“GRIFFSTER!”

Lexa winced as Raven’s shout echoed throughout the empty house, but got up from the couch to meet her anyways.

“Oh, you’re not Clarke,” Raven said but shrugged. “Here,” she said and dumped the multiple pizzas that she was carrying in Lexa’s arms, not waiting for confirmation.

“She’s getting dressed,” Lexa said and put the pizzas on the table in the kitchen. She was too preoccupied with the task that she missed Raven’s smirk.

“Yeah?”

She did not, however, miss the tone.

“Not you too,” she sighed and pinched her nose. But not a second too late, the door swung open and in strode Anya and Lincoln, followed by Bellamy and Octavia. “Oh thank god,” Lexa mumbled and went over to them. 

“What’s this I hear?” Anya said with an amused tone. “You’ve invited how many?”

“Not my doing,” Lexa said and looked at Bellamy with a pointed stare. 

“Oh, I am buying you a drink my friend,” Anya said and put an arm around his shoulders while Bellamy barked out a laugh. “To celebrate that my sister finally has learned how to socialize.”

“Anya, first of all, no one’s buying drinks tonight, you’re all in  _ my house _ , and second, Bellamy’s very happily married and third,  _ I know how to socialize _ , thank you very much.”

“Lexa,” Anya said with an eye roll and a tone dripping of sarcasm. “My ever so innocent strik sister. I didn’t ask him to marry me, only that I’d buy him a drink. You should have one yourself,” she added and sniggered at her own joke. 

Lexa just huffed out a breath at the use of her old nickname and gestured for her to get her ass into the kitchen and out of her sight. Her sniggers could be heard all the way out onto the porch, but Lexa just rolled her eyes and steered her steps up the stairs to where Clarke would be getting ready. 

“Hey Clarke, your  _ friends _ are here.”

“What have they done now?” Clarke laughed through the door, having heard Lexa’s choice of tone.

“Raven is… Loud,” Lexa said after searching for a better word, but there really wasn’t any.

“That’s the understatement of the year,” she muttered. Clarke stepped out of the room and Lexa, once again, felt as if all air had been sucked out of her lungs. It didn’t matter that she just saw her thirty minutes ago, Clarke just seemed to get even more beautiful every time Lexa laid her eyes upon her.

“What?” Clarke said with a chuckle at Lexa’s slightly open mouth and gazing eyes.

“You’re breathtaking,” Lexa murmured and encircled her arms around Clarke’s waist protectively, and loved the way that Clarke’s mouth formed a soft smile in response.”You’re beautiful.”

“Lexa,” Clarke said with her soft smile growing.

“Yes?”

“If you keep looking at me like that, we’re not going to make it downstairs.”

“Like what?” Lexa asked, licking her lips and finding that she wasn’t all too opposed to the idea of skipping her own dinner party.

“Like I’ve hung the moon up in the sky,” Clarke said softly and nuzzled her nose against Lexa’s. Lexa just hummed in confirmation, squeezed her arms around her body and just revelled in the feeling of being close to her. She breathed in the scent of her newly showered hair and closed her eyes, truly feeling at ease.

“ _ Clarke, we’re starving, get your ass down here! _ ” Raven shouted up the stairs and Clarke chuckled.

“You sure you don’t want to ditch them?” Lexa asked with a grin. “It is my house after all, I could just kick them out.”

“Trust me, I’d want nothing more. But if we do that, I’m afraid that we’re never living that one down. Come on,” she said and grabbed her hand, tugging her towards the stairs. “And besides. When I get you all to myself, I’m planning on showing you  _ exactly  _ how much I like that bed up there.”

All Lexa could do was gape after her, letting herself get dragged along and hating that she could do absolutely nothing about the aching  _ throb _ that had appeared between her legs, hoping that Anya wouldn’t make a stupid remark about her burning cheeks.

Clarke dragged her down the stairs with an obvious smirk on her face and out to the porch where everyone was at, and Lexa was surprised to see that mostly everyone had arrived. And her thoughts about Clarke and that monster were replaced, almost, with a whispered wish, that this would be the first of many more nights like these. Everyone was milling around, talking, laughing, sharing stories. Anya was currently cornered by Raven, who, if Lexa were not mistaken, were attempting to flirt.

It was hilarious to watch.

Lexa nudged Clarke and laughed silently, nodding her head in the direction of the two of them, and Clarke rolled her eyes at her friend. Raven currently stood with her back towards them, one arm outstretched and placed strategically next to Anya making it very hard for Anya to move. Lexa, who thought this was hilarious, suspected that Anya had been leaning against the railing just wanting to observe the spectacle, and had apparently failed miserably with how Raven had her cornered. Anya looked like she was in a state between rolling her eyes, slapping Raven’s outstretched arm clear of the railing and smirking. When she saw that Lexa had gotten down, she mouthed ‘ _ help me _ ’, to which Lexa just shook her head, still laughing.

“About time!” Octavia shouted. “Are you two rabbits ready to feed us yet?”

Lexa’s cheeks flamed up once again, tearing her eyes away from the hilarity of Raven’s flirtatious attempts, but Clarke just flipped Octavia off and engulfed Lexa in a playful hug from behind. “Ready? Oh I don’t know about that,” Clarke said in a sweet tone and Lexa was pretty sure she swallowed her own tongue when Clarke placed a kiss on the slope of her neck.

“Now I’m hungry,” Clarke said and stepped away from Lexa, acting as if nothing happened. Meanwhile, Octavia made a gagging noise and Lincoln had abruptly walked into the house, busying himself with carrying out the multiple pizzas.

“Anyways,” Lexa said and looked over to Anya, who were smirking. Which was just annoying. “Everyone, this is Anya, Anya, everyone.”

“Smooth,” Anya said and Lexa just raised an eyebrow.

“When are Jasper and Monty getting here?” Clarke said to Octavia as she loaded up two slices of pizza onto a paper plate.

“They’re just dropping off the kiddos,” she said, and then added, “they’re bringing the good stuff,” with a smirk and Lexa could hear Lincoln’s groan from inside of the house.

“Do I even want to ask?” Lexa said in a state between horror and amusement.

“It’s called Moonshine,” Clarke said with a laugh. “Hey, Linc, you should be happy O’s pregnant!”

He appeared out on the porch, holding two cups of something and handing one to Octavia. “Trust me, I am. I am not, however, ready for what  _ Raven  _ will get into. I swear, every time she gets a taste of that stuff, she turns into a… A… I don’t even know,” he muttered and snagged a piece of the cheese pizza. “Last time, she suggested that she’d try flying. I had to literally  _ sit on her _ to stop her.”

Lexa doubled over laughing.

“I have a feeling you won’t be the Wood’s who’ll be handling her,” Clarke said with a smirk and pointed towards where Raven and Anya stood. Lexa gasped in horror at the scene and wrinkled her nose.

“It looks like they’re  _ eating  _ each other,” she said in disgust before turning away.

“That comes later babe,” Clarke said sweetly into her ear and Lexa stopped short, head snapped to Clarke’s, and Lincoln choked on a sip of the drink he’d just taken.

“C’mon babe,” Octavia laughed and pulled him towards Bellamy.

“I need to scrub both my eyes  _ and  _ my ears,” Lincoln mumbled and Lexa couldn’t help the happy laugh that escaped her lips.

“Look at that,” Lexa mused and turned around so that she could stand fully pressed up against Clarke. “Even at twenty seven I manage to make him uncomfortable.”

Clarke laughed and leaned forward, capturing her lips and her laugh before leaning back.

“The party can officially  _ begin _ !” Someone shouted from behind them and Lexa smiled into the kiss, before tearing herself away from Clarke and looking over her shoulder, noticing Jasper, Maya and Monty, and carrying in between them-

“What on earth is  _ that _ ?” Lexa asked in horror as they placed a keg on her deck. “What are we, in college?”

“Trust me,” Clarke said with a chuckle. “You wouldn’t have wanted to go to college with this around. Moonshine is-”

“ _ Amazing! _ ” Jasper shouted, handing Lexa a cup before Clarke could get the chance of telling her otherwise. Lexa eyed the contents of the cup suspiciously before tentatively taking a sip, and nearly spitting it out again.

“Holy mother of God,  _ what is that _ ?!” Lexa said as Clarke pounded her back.

“Moonshine!” Monty exclaimed happily and passed out cups, to Lexa’s horror, to everyone.

“You guys  _ drink this _ ? It’s  _ awful _ !” She said and looked at the rest of the contents with some resentment. “I’m grabbing a beer,” she mumbled when she got no response from anyone but Clarke who just laughed.

“To be fair,” Clarke said, following her into the house. “It’s far better than Raven’s Rocketfuel.”

Lexa paused. “Do I even want to know?”

“No,” Clarke said with a laugh. “Only that it’s ten times worse than their Moonshine.”

“How is that even possible?” Lexa asked and looked out the window, not fathoming how everyone is downing their drinks so fast.”

“It’s not about the taste,” Clarke said and made Lexa jump, not having heard her come up behind her. “It’s about the feeling afterwards.”

Lexa swallowed when she felt Clarke’s hands sneak around her waist, fingers grazing Lexa’s bare skin where her shirt had ridden up, causing goosebumps to appear all over her skin, and sighing when she felt Clarke placing her chin against Lexa’s shoulder.

“Look at them,” Clarke hummed in her ear, looking out the window. “They’re idiots, the lot of them, but they’re  _ my  _ idiots. Ours,” she said and kissed shoulder, making Lexa shudder. “How is it that you three all managed to find someone here of all places? When you think about it, it is a bit strange.”

Lexa smiled softly and nodded ever so slightly. “Maybe the universe is trying to tell us something,” she hummed in response.

“And what is that?”

“That we belong here.”

“You don’t need the universe telling you that,” Clarke mumbled. “I can tell you that just fine myself.”

“Oh?”

“You belong here,” Clarke purred in her ear and Lexa tensed when she felt Clarke’s hand starting to move, and gasped when she felt Clarke’s  _ teeth  _ graze her neck.

“Clarke-”

“Don’t worry,” Clarke said in a voice which made Lexa literally  _ squirm  _ in her hold. “When I finally get to show you just how much you belong here, I want you all to myself.” She placed a soft kiss just below her earlobe before continuing. “I want to be able to hear you say my name as loud as you want,” she continued and Lexa was pretty sure her brain had stopped working. “I want to learn every curve of your body, touch you, map it out with my tongue,” she whispered into her ear, and Lexa, to her horror, let out a  _ whimper _ . She could feel Clarke smirking against her neck. “And when you come,” she continued and now Lexa was pretty close to just throwing everyone out, “I’m going to make sure that you know just how beautiful I think that you are.”

“Clarke,” Lexa said and felt the air vibrate around them.

“Yes babe?”

“If you keep that up there is a very big risk that I’ll throw everyone out.”

Clarke chuckled against her skin and wrapped her arms tighter around Lexa’s midsection. “Okay, I’ll behave.”

“Not sure if I want you to,” Lexa mumbled back, but smiled nonetheless when she saw that Gina stood by Bellamy’s side, laughing at an apparent joke Jasper must have made at Bell's expense, judging by the way Bell was looking sourly at Jasper who stood next to Monty, who were also laughing so hard he’d had to clutch his stomach. She just rolled her eyes when she saw Raven and Anya trying and failing to sneak away. She saw Maya over with Monty and Roan, clearly admiring the view that could be seen from the little garden bench that Lexa loved. 

“But it is pretty nice, having all of them here,” she sighed. “Fine. But you just wait,” Lexa mumbled before turning around in Clarke’s embrace, capturing her lips softly before biting ever so slightly in her lower lip, then soothing the sting by gently sucking in it, making it Clarke’s turn to gasp.

“Getting me all this wound up, not so nice,” she mumbled into Clarke’s mouth and smirked at the sounds that were coming out of Clarke’s mouth.

“Hey Lexa, where is t- Really? Guys, the kitchen isn’t even  _ finished  _ yet and you still manage to scorch my eyes?” Bellamy wrinkled his nose and slapped a hand in front of his eyes, shielding them from him.

Lexa just looked at Clarke before bursting out laughing.

“We were just kissing, stop being so sensitive,” Clarke teased before grabbing the cup of Moonshine off of the counter where she’d placed it earlier. “Did you even grab a drink yet?”

“I’m driving,” he muttered and Clarke laughed harder.

“That explains it.”

“ _ Anyways _ ,” he huffed out and turned towards Lexa who tried very hard to keep a straight face. “Where’s the ladder I put outside? I was thinking about fixing this-”

“Nuh uh,” Lexa said. “You’re not doing work on the house tonight.”

“But-”

“Nope,” Clarke said and grabbed Bellamy’s arm, dragging him towards the deck. “Tonight, you’re not the Lieutenant, the dad or the contractor. Tonight you’re just Bellamy Blake, a guy I used to know back in high school.”

Lexa laughed and followed them out, rolled her eyes at Jasper who once again held out a cup with Moonshine for her, but surprised even herself by accepting it, and then actually  _ downing _ it. She made a grimace before handing him back the cup, bringing the back of her hand up to wipe a droplet that had escaped the corner of her eyes and didn’t notice the look that Lincoln had just given her.

“You did not just do that,” he groaned.

“What?” She asked and sat down next to him.

“You don’t know what you’re in for.”

“I can actually handle my fair share of alcohol,” she said and looked at him with a laugh in her eyes.

“Moonshine isn’t like other alcohol. It’s pure evil.”

Lexa barked out a laugh, but Lincoln just kept shaking his head. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Then Octavia appeared and plopped down on Lincoln’s lap and turned to Lexa in excitement. “Hey, did you see Raven and Anya?”

Lincoln groaned and Lexa snickered. “Sure did.”

“That took them, what, all of five minutes?”

“My bet is on three,” Lexa said, causing Octavia to bark out a laugh and Lexa could already feel the buzz of the Moonshine working its way through her system.

“What do you guys say, shall we do a round of the classic spin the bottle?” Jasper shouted.

“As if we don’t already know everything about everyone here,” Clarke said and plopped down in Lexa’s chair, throwing her legs over Lexa’s. 

“C’mon,” he went on. “It’ll be fun! Commander, back me up here!”

“None of that,” Lexa said and waved the nickname away, but apparently, making Lexa uncomfortable was the theme of the night.

“Would you rather we called you Commander Hearteyes?” Roan said innocently and it took Lexa a second to process what he’d said before she could feel the heat rise in her cheeks.

“Don’t you dare-”

Clarke barked out a laugh. “You know, I heard Raven call you that, but I believe that there’s a story there that I was promised.”

“Sure is,” Raven said with a smirk, walking up the steps to the deck with Anya following on her heels. Wolf whistles were heard around the table and Raven took a bow before Anya smacked her on the head which finally made her sit down. Still didn’t wipe that smirk off.

“You wanna tell them  _ Commander Hearteyes _ , or should I?” Raven said and the smirk grew when Lexa flared her nostrils. “Fine, I’ll tell you. As you all know, my dear fellow delinquents, we have gotten ourselves a new Lieutenant this last month, none other than one of New York’s finest; Lexa Woods,” she said and made a show of bowing her neck, causing Lexa to snort.

“Before she came, we all heard the stories of the fierce  _ commander _ , hanging outside twenty five story buildings, diving into burning cars, jumping into the icy Hudson, yada yada, but thanks to our very own little miss Griffin here,” she said and gestured to Clarke with a smirk, “we now know that the Commander really is just a soft ball of mush, getting all soft and lovey dovey eyed and so, Commander Hearteyes was born.”

Lexa had long since disappeared behind her hands and could feel her cheeks burn at the sound of everyone else’s roar of laughter. “I’m gonna kill you,” she said behind her hands but it just came out as a muffled murmur, which just caused everyone to laugh harder.

“You guys are just jealous,” Clarke said and waved away their laughter and Lexa could feel Clarke placing a kiss on each of her hands. “Come out from there. I  _ love  _ that nickname. It’s so  _ cute _ .”

“It’s not supposed to be  _ cute _ , Clarke,” Lexa said but took down her hands, throwing a murderous glance Raven’s way. “Next shift, you’re doing drills  _ with me _ ,” Lexa added and enjoyed immensely how Raven’s grin slowly disappeared.

“Yeah, that is something even I wouldn’t want,” Anya muttered and took a sip out of her cup. “Lexa may be a lovesick fool, but she does not kid around about her drills.”

“Remember that one time,” Lincoln said and Lexa groaned. “When she ‘helped’ me train for the basketball tryouts?”

Anya wheezed out a laugh. “You could barely walk afterwards!”

“Or when she nearly took out the entire firehouse, back at New York? The captain had to ask her to bring it down a level,” Roan laughed.

“How did this turn into a storytelling night about  _ me _ ?”

“Because I  _ love  _ watching you get all flustered,” Anya said with a smirk.

“Payback for all of the drills,” Jasper murmured, which caused an agreeing chain of nods being made amongst the firefighters.

“All of this talk of murder drills and suddenly I’m very happy that I’m pregnant,” Octavia said and Lexa snorted.

“They’re just over exaggerating.”

“Nuh uh,” Raven said. “They’re  _ the worst _ .”

“No one can move as fast as Lexa wants us to,” Jasper said and earned a frantic nod from Raven, causing Lexa to roll her eyes.

“Next shift, I’ll go. Maybe that’ll shut you up,” she grumbled and her comment earned a snort from Roan.

“Maybe not scare them, Lexa,” he said, which caused the two of them to start laughing while the others exchanged nervous glances.

“Exactly how fast can you move?” Clarke asked.

Lexa smirked. “Someday, I’ll show you.” Then she leaned forward, entirely too drunk to care that they were in the middle of their friends, and kissed her, effectively changing the subject around the group. She even smirked into the kiss and didn’t stop when she heard someone whistle.

“Alright, gosh,  _ my eyes _ ,” she heard Anya say and Lexa couldn’t help the laughter that bubbled out of her mouth. “You’re still my strik sister, I do not need that in my memory.”

“Why do you call her that?” Maya said suddenly and leaned forward, looking actually curious. “I’ve heard Lincoln mentioning the two of you by that same name, well, that or… What is it?”

“Biga sister,” Lincoln chuckled. “It’s from when we were kids,” he said softly. “Lexa?”

“Sure,” she said and looked around the table before starting the story. “I think Lincoln was maybe two? Three? Anyways, I was only around five, Anya almost ten. Back then we didn’t watch TV, didn’t really have friends over,” she said and cast her eyes down when she noticed how some of them squirmed a little in their seats. But after she felt Clarke squeeze her knee, she looked up again. “We might have been brought up in a very strict household, but we had a… Pretty wild imagination between the three of us,” she chuckled. “One day we were out playing, and Anya made up this make believe game about how we were from this different world, where girls were warriors and boys could be whatever they wanted to be.” She looked over at Lincoln with soft eyes. “Lincoln, when he was that young, always wanted to play with Anya’s dolls, which suited her fine since she detested them”

Octavia uttered an ‘ _ awww _ ’ which Lincoln hastily put an end to by covering her mouth with his hand.

“In this game, we had this made up language that just stuck, I guess. _ Strik sister _ , that’s me. It means little sister, and Anya,  _ Biga sister _ . That one tells itself. Lincoln’s is  _ Strik bro _ , little brother. We still have other phrases, but they’re more like expressions now. It’s not like we go around and talk in our own made up language,” she said with a laugh.

“Why couldn’t we have been cool and done that? Imagine the possibilities,” Jasper said to Monty which caused everyone to burst into laughter. “Like in high school?” He continued and Lexa’s stomach actually hurt from it. “When Mr Hayes would come over, and be like, ‘ _ Hand me that note! _ ’ and I would, only on it there would be like, gibberish, and him just muttering away, not understanding any of it, but really it could have been like this whole secret plan, about blowing up the god forsaken place or some other shit.”

Clarke were clutching her stomach, laughter roaring from all around the table and tears were streaming down Lexa’s eyes, as from everyone else’s, and suddenly story after story was being told from the times from high school and Lexa learned that she in fact should be afraid of Jasper, Raven and Monty being left alone in a room together. She was specifically horrified by one story which was about Raven accidentally making her project in chemistry blow up, causing a corrosive substance to run out all over the floor, forcing all of the students up onto their own desks and chairs before the mess could’ve been cleaned up.

“What can I say, I’ve got a reputation to live up to!” Raven had said while laughter rang in the air around them.

And while sitting there in the middle of the group with Clarke pressed tightly against her, Lexa couldn’t remember the last time she’d laughed that much, even felt so filled to the brim of love, than she did in that moment.

The next morning however, she woke up on the floor, having no idea how she ended up there and Clarke laying on the couch, snoring ever so slightly, with the feeling of a sledgehammer beating on the inside of her skull. She fished out her phone and winced at the brightness of the screen before typing out a simple text to Lincoln before passing out again.

**_You were right. Never again._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had way too much fun when writing this chapter, anyways, see you Wednesday again for the next one! ;)


	19. The Monster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, it's finally Wednesday again!! Super happy about how this one turned out, and it's a bit on the longer side, but it's a really sweet one so hope no one minds the length!
> 
> This chapter will touch on several topics that may be triggering for some, I have chosen to apply those AO3 warnings or whatever its called for a reason, so read through the tags beforehand if you may be triggered by any of them! Mental health comes first my loves!
> 
> With that said, happy reading! - fantasycloud

“Parker, seek!” Lexa said and held back a chuckle as he sprang from the sitting position Lexa had had him in. “Seek boy!” They were just playing, Lexa having picked him up after yet another shift done at the firehouse. 

She could feel it now, that she was starting to settle in. The firehouse still felt somewhat new to her, but it was the little things that mattered. She’d found her favorite chair to sit at at the table, she knew not to make the team do drills before they’d had their coffee if she didn’t want the result to be completely awful and she knew that if she wanted to text Clarke, she’d go into her office so that she could avoid Raven and Jasper’s snickers, teasing and snide comments.

It had been two weeks now since they’d all gotten together, August had become September and Lexa wasn’t only starting to feel more at home at the station, but also in the house, and of course, with Clarke. The house was nearly finished, now all that was missing were things like curtains, plates, art, carpets, lamps. Lexa was completely in love with the kitchen, it was everything she would have dreamt of and more. 

When she showed Uncle Nyko over the phone, he’d cried.

She couldn’t decide, apart from the kitchen, which part she liked the most. It was either the living room with the blue wallpaper, reminding her of Clarke, the very comfortable new couch that was grey instead of beige. Lexa, much to her dismay, feared that she would never live down her ‘almost’ purchase over the internet of the beige couch. She could still hear Clarke’s words in her head, telling her that this is why you never bought furniture over the internet.

_ “See? I told you!” Clarke said in triumph as they both sank deeper down in the couch three couches from the beige one. Lexa just grumbled, not wanting to say neither yes nor no. She’d thought that the beige one was totally okay, maybe a bit on the firmer side, but couldn’t disagree with her about the light grey one being comfier. _

_ “Isn’t this great?” Clarke said and leaned back, sighing happily. Lexa just looked at her fondly, nodding and leaned back next to her. _

_ “This is the one,” Clarke mumbled and caught her hand in hers. “And with that coffee table,” she said and pointed to a white low table off to her left, making Lexa laugh. _

_ “Is that so?” _

_ “Picture it, this couch, a light blue rug, the white coffee table with those adorable wooden crosses at the ends, in front of the fireplace? Oh, and that photo you have, the one you took in Cape Cod?” _

_ Lexa laughed then, poking Clarke’s side. “Have you been checking out my site?” _

_ “Oh don’t change the subject,” Clarke said, a faint blush coating her cheeks. “Can you picture it?” _

_ Lexa looked over and felt herself fall all over again for the soft girl, slightly biting her lip and looking at her with hopeful eyes. Lexa hummed and placed a light, soft kiss on her forehead. “Yeah,” she said as she leaned back. “I can see it. Let’s go and buy this couch. And,” she said to Clarke’s delight, “that coffee table. But you forgot something,” Lexa said, making an adorable frown appear on her forehead. “There should be two prints hanging above the fireplace,” she said softly. “One of mine, and one of yours.” _

_ Clarke had licked her lips and swallowed nervously. “One of mine?” _

_ “I especially like the one that you have hanging in your living room, the painting? Of the treetops towering into the sky, being met with the most starry night imaginable.” _

_ Clarke smiled softly at the thought of it. “That is the last one that I made after dad died,” she said softly. “I always imagine he’s there, amongst the stars, watching from above.” Then she paused for a second, considering it. “I know you never met him, but you would have loved him. He would’ve loved you,” she laughed. “He was the kind of person that always lit up the room, just by being there.” _

_ Lexa smiled and squeezed her hand. “I know I would have. How could I not? He’s part of the reason you’re here.” _

_ Clarke snorted, but smiled brightly. “Smooth talker.” _

_ “You know it.” _

_ Clarke chuckled, and leaned her head on Lexa’s shoulder. “Having the print there, it would feel like he’s there. Watching us, being part of our lives.” _

_ “Clarke, he  _ is  _ here. He’s inside of you.” _

_ Clarke sighed softly. “I love you.” _

_ Lexa smiled, placing a kiss upon Clarke’s blonde locks. “And I you.” _

She smiled at the memory, but knew that once her surprise for Clarke was done, the living room might come in second place, even though it was, as Bellamy would say, absolutely awesome. 

“Seek! Find the bone!” She laughed when she saw that Parker had picked up on its scent, she knew that it wouldn’t take long for him to find his hidden treasure.

With a loud bark and some sort of jump into the air out of pure excitement, Parker found the bone. Lexa laughed when she saw how he picked it up as if it were his most precious thing he owned and practically pranced back to where she was sitting. She shook her head and scratched his head.

“What would I do without you?” She mused and watched how he continued to dance over to a spot in the garden that was in the shade after he’d shown Lexa, then laid down and started to gently chew on his present.

“Did he like my present?” She heard Anya say behind her and Lexa nodded, pointing to where he was. “Good, it’s not often I get the chance of spoiling my handsome nephew.”

Lexa snorted. “Well, soon we’ll have an actual human to spoil.”

“I still can’t wrap my head around it.”

“I know.”

“I mean it’s  _ Lincoln _ and  _ Octavia _ ,” Anya said as if to prove a point.

“They’ll figure it out,” Lexa said with a chuckle and Anya sat down on the lounge chair behind her. 

“They better. Can you imagine a mini Octavia running around?” Anya said in horror. “And Lincoln isn’t any better. I wouldn’t be surprised if that kid started running laps and shooting balls as soon as he or she gets out of the womb.”

Lexa chuckled at the thought. But then she sighed and just stared out on the view. “I hate that this is happening,” Lexa admitted out loud, not needing to explain that she wasn’t talking about the baby anymore. “That everyone is being kept on their toes. And for what?” She kicked a nearby rock with her toe that she could reach from her position on the steps.

“You know why.”

“But they’re just…” Lexa said and let out a deep sigh. “They don’t deserve this,” she settled on.

“Neither do you,” Anya said quietly.

Lexa just remained silent.

“I can practically hear you disagreeing with me from where I’m sitting,” Anya said and Lexa rolled her eyes.

“It’s not that,” she said and shook her head. “It’s not that I say that I deserve it, but I do feel kind of responsible for putting all of this on them. I know that they’re just trying to help, but if it weren’t for me being here, they wouldn’t need to. It’s just different.”

“I know-”

“No, you don’t,” Lexa shot back. “You don’t know how this feels.”

“Oh?” Anya said and Lexa could see the raised eyebrow and her hands across her chest. “Then please, do enlighten me.”

“I never asked for this,” she muttered and looked at Parker, so blissfully unaware of the pressing danger. “Never once,” she repeated and sighed. “And I don’t get it, why now?”

“Hm?”

“Our father was caught twenty years ago,” Lexa said and cast a glance backwards. “Why did this copycat decide to take over  _ now _ ? Why did he wait fifteen years before starting?”

“If I knew that, we wouldn’t be sitting here.”

“Don’t you think it’s a bit weird?”

“Yes Lexa,” Anya said and for the first time, Lexa could hear the frustration in her voice. “Of course I think this whole situation is crap. I hate that I had to be the one to bring you this information, hate that it’s happening again. But do you know what I hate the most? I hate myself even more for not being able to figure this out.”

“I don’t blame you for that. You should feel proud of even connecting this in the first place.”

“That’s what my boss keeps telling me,” Anya said with a humourless chuckle.

“A smart one.”

Anya huffed out a breath. “Don’t let him know you said that. He doesn’t need a bigger ego.”

Lexa smiled, but let it drop pretty quickly. She leaned back with a sigh. “Why does this keep happening to us?” She said, both to herself and to Anya.

“We must’ve done something pretty shitty in another life,” Anya grumbled and Lexa chuckled at that. “We’re going to make it through though,” she said and looked over at Lexa. Lexa met her eyes and nodded once.

“Yes, we are,” she said and turned her eyes back towards the lake. “I just hope that we’ll all be in one piece when it does end.”

Anya fell silent after that, knowing that she couldn’t make any sort of promise to that comment. Because they simply didn’t know what they were up against.

After about twenty minutes just sitting in silence, the only noise being the work from inside the house and the birds chirping away, the shrill ringtone of Anya’s cellphone startled them into action.

“Woods,” Anya answered and Lexa, noting how her tone changed, smiling ever so slightly when she remembered how she and Anya used to play make believe.

_ “Woods,” Anya said into her hand as she held a tight grip on Lincoln’s arm. Anya had first tried to grab Lexa, but Lexa was simply too fast, even for Anya to catch. So now the grip on Lincoln’s arm was a bit too tight, her tone a bit too icy and her eyes kept flashing in Lexa’s direction. Lexa sniggered behind her hand, knowing that if she did laugh, Anya likely wouldn’t speak to her for the rest of the day. _

_ “Alright, I’m bringing him into the station. Be ready for protocol A.” _

_ “What’s protocol A, Ahn?” Lincoln had asked in a slightly shaking voice, buying into the game completely. _

_ “Wouldn’t you like to know,” she’d said with a grin, making him swallow. Lexa could actually see her poor baby brother starting to shake, tears welling in his eyes. He was only five, after all. _

_ “It’s probably just Anya asking them to ready the VIP room,” she said and ignored Anya’s frantic shake of her head. “You know, you’re her very special witness to this terrible crime. She was just telling them to ready the lemonade.” _

_ “Really?” Lincoln had said, looking up at her from where she’d sat in the staircase. They’d just moved into their apartment in New York, and they still couldn’t believe how big it actually was. They’d made the Uncle’s study into the interrogation room, but were only allowed to play police when mama was at work. Once they’d started it after dinner and mama had ended up shutting herself into her bedroom, not coming out until the next morning. _

_ “Sure it is,” Lexa said and ignored Anya’s deep sigh. _

_ “Let’s play something else,” Anya had muttered then, frustrated that she didn’t get to practice her ‘bad cop’ moves. But seeing the relief in Lincoln’s eyes as she let him go, that was all that mattered to Lexa. _

_ “Thanks Lexi,” he said before taking off after Anya. “Wanna play soccer?” _

“You’re  _ where _ exactly?” Anya’s voice said and Lexa was snapped out of her thoughts, brought back to the now where she was currently pacing on her deck. “Exactly how  _ stupid  _ are you? Nevermind, don’t answer that. I already have a pretty good answer to that myself.”

She heaved out a deep sigh while the other person spoke, causing another argument to tumble out of her mouth. “And you expected that to go any  _ different _ ?” She pinched the bridge of her nose and cast a glance at Lexa's way.

“Get back here. No,  _ I don’t care _ ! Just get your ass back where it belongs.” Then she pressed the red button with such force that Lexa was afraid she might’ve broken the screen.

“What’s up?” She asked tentatively, afraid of the potential lingering anger towards whoever was on the other end of that phone call. 

“You care to know where our  _ dear  _ idiot little brother is at the moment?” Anya said, voice shaking.

Lexa swallowed. “At home?”

“No,” she said and turned around. “He went to the  _ Lee Correctional Institution. _ ”

Lexa’s insides froze. “He  _ what _ ?”

“He sounded pretty upset over the phone,” Anya plowed on. “Saying that he wasn’t very  _ chatty _ .”

“He went to see him?” Lexa asked, her voice suddenly sounding as if it were miles away.

“He thought that if he just went down there and  _ asked  _ nicely, he would just tell us who it was. The  _ idiot _ .”

“He went to see him,” Lexa repeated, gripping the seat of her chair with an iron grip. Parker must have heard the change in Lexa’s voice, because suddenly he left his bone in the shade and jumped up onto the deck, placing his head in her lap, looking up into her eyes with eyes filled with worry.

“Yes, didn’t you hear me? He  _ fucking went to see our father _ ,” she gritted out and spun around, eyes widening at the state Lexa was in. “Hey,” she snapped and crouched down. “You with me?”

Lexa stared ahead of her, not really focusing on anything, not registering Anya’s looming form, only hearing a loud buzzing in her ears. “He went to see him,” she mumbled and felt her chest starting to shake. “He went there,” she repeated and felt how her chest felt more and more restricted, but she couldn’t do anything about it. “H-He went t-there, he s-saw h-him-”

“Hey, hey,” Anya said and put a hand on her knee, but even that seemed too far away. “He’s okay.”

“He went there,” she said again with more urgency, feeling how her hands started to shake around the hold on the chair. “He  _ talked  _ to him-”

“I know, and he’s fine,” Anya said through clenched teeth. “Lexa, listen-”

Lexa just shook her head and felt how her heartbeat a million miles an hour inside of her chest. “He-”

“You need to listen to me,” Anya said, voice like steel. “You’re fine. He’s fine. We’re all fine. Take a breath.”

“Can’t-t,” she said and looked down on Parker who had started to whine. She tried to suck in a breath of air, but it was more of a gasp. Black dots started to swim in front of her eyes, but suddenly she felt this pain on her wrists which brought her back.

“ _ Listen to me _ !” Anya said with a more urgent tone, catching Lexa’s attention. “You need to breathe. Breathe,  _ in _ , one, two, three, four, five. And  _ out _ , one, two, three, four, five. And again,” she said and demonstrated. “In,” she said and drew in a slow breath, her tight grip on Lexa’s wrists forced her to focus, and she did as she was told.

She sucked in a breath and held it inside of her lungs and let it out the same time as Anya did.

“Good,” she said. “Again. In, one, two, three, four, five. Out, one, two, three, four, five. You’re fine, you’re doing fine.”

Lexa continued to breath, and only stopped mimicking Anya when the breathing eased up enough for her mind to clear. But that’s when she noticed how wet her cheeks felt. She closed her eyes and sagged forwards, suddenly feeling as if all of her energy had been drained out of her and brought her hands up to cover her eyes, Anya only then letting go of her wrists. After staying with her for another minute crouched down, Anya stood up and leaned against the railing and was silent for a good ten minutes.

Lexa was about to speak up, but as if she sensed it, Anya beat her to it.

“How long,” Anya bit out.

Lexa stilled, knowing what Anya was referring to.

“How  _ long _ ?”

She knew it was pointless to avoid it. “They haven’t really stopped,” she mumbled. “But they don’t happen as often anymo-”

“You’re supposed to  _ tell me  _ this shit!” Anya exclaimed. “I thought you didn’t have any episodes anymore, you said you were fine! You haven’t had one in  _ years _ ! Or so I thought at least!”

“I were, I am, I just-”

“You’re  _ not _ ! You just had a  _ panic attack,  _ Lexa!” Anya was on the point of hysterics now, but Lexa couldn’t muster the strength of looking up and seeing Anya’s outbreak. “I thought they stopped after mom died! If I knew, I’d never have come here!”

“That wouldn’t have changed anything!” Lexa bit back.

“Yes it would have,” she pressed on and Lexa could hear her pacing.

“He’s still out there-”

“ _ I don’t want to have to worry about you killing yourself! _ ” Anya said with a loud voice which made Lexa stop short. She looked up in utter shock and found Anya with her back turned to her, head in her hands. Lexa opened her mouth, but no sound came out.

“Ever since learning about what she did,” Anya said, “I’ve had to worry about you. Do you know, how common it is for kids with parents who’ve commited suicide, to also end up like them? And you were the one who _ found her _ , on top of everything else you’ve been having to deal with! I’m just-” She said, but stopped to take a breath. 

Lexa got up on shaky legs, walked up next to her sister who, up until this moment, Lexa realized she hadn’t been seeing with clear eyes.

“Anya-”

“No,” she said and looked up then, tone changed. “I know what you’re going to say, that you’re sorry, that you’re fine, that I don’t have to worry. But guess what?  _ I’m  _ the big sister! I’m supposed to be protecting  _ you _ ! But what do I do?” She said and Lexa’s heart ached for her.

Then she sighed and hung her head. “You’re not supposed to be fine, Lexa,” she said and looked into her eyes. “You’re allowed to feel  _ not fine _ . I just want to know about it so that I can help you.”

Lexa nodded and before Anya could protest, she wrapped her arms around her shoulders, hugging her sister's body tight to her own.

“See?” She said with a muffled voice against Lexa’s shoulder. “I’m the one who’s supposed to comfort you. Even when you’ve just had a  _ panic attack _ , you’re still the one protecting me.”

“Just let me hug you,” Lexa mumbled. “I promise that you can do the protecting after I’ve let you go. Right now I just need my sister to feel that I’m here. And maybe I just really needed a hug.”

Anya sighed softly, shaking her head, but stayed quiet, and Lexa could feel how Anya calmed down, breathing in her scent. She couldn’t remember the last time she and Anya really hugged. It wasn’t something that neither she nor Anya usually did, but Lexa decided then and there that that was something that they should work on.

“He’s coming home, right?” Lexa mumbled. “He’s not staying there, is he?”

“No,” Anya said with a sigh and leaned back, and sat down on the steps to the deck. “He’s coming home. I still can’t believe he went to see him.”

“Did he really expect being able to just ask him about it, and he’d tell him? Because he asked nicely?”

“I guess he just…” Anya said and then just shrugged. “I honestly don’t know. When I went to see him-”

“Sorry?” Lexa whipped her head around at Anya’s words.

“Oh don’t start, that was years ago,” Anya grumbled.

“Why is this the first time I’m hearing about it then?”

“Because I didn’t want to upset you back then,” Anya said smoothly. “And bringing it afterwards is just pointless, what’s done is done.”

“Why did you even go?” Lexa said, ignoring the rest that Anya said. “That man, he-”

“I know.”

“Anya, he destroyed everything. Killed I don’t know how many-” Lexa said but stopped short, drawing in a breath. “Did you have a good reason?”

“Yes,” she simply said.

Lexa waited a beat before pressing on. “Care to share?”

Anya glanced her way and sighed. “I went down there, maybe a year after mama died. I don’t know why, I guess I just wanted to… To understand why she did what she did. Why she couldn’t let him go.”

“You mean why she chose him over us,” Lexa said, closing her eyes, suddenly realizing her intent.

“Maybe,” Anya grumbled in response. “But it was a waste of both money and time. Haven’t been back since.”

“I could’ve come with you,” Lexa offered stiffly, even knowing full well she never would have gone.

Anya, who knew this, nodded her head anyways in thanks, smoothly replaying with “I wanted to go alone,” instead.

Grateful, Lexa waited for another beat. “How did he seem?”

Anya let out a humourless laugh. “Honestly? Normal. That’s what was so infuriating to me. He asked about school, about you guys, if I had someone. When I brought up mama though… For a second, I swear I saw a switch go off in his eyes. Like some sort of coldness…”

“I know,” Lexa said. She’d seen that look in every nightmare she’d had as a child. Anya just nodded and sighed. “But Anya, I don’t believe that she thought that she  _ had  _ a choice. I mean, she’d been married to him for three years before having you, known him for five years before that. Uncle Gus told me that she’d started behaving differently already back then. He had her completely wrapped around his little finger. When we came along, she used to do everything,” she said with a laugh. 

Then she sighed and turned around so that she faced the garden again.

“I remember her tucking us in, kissing the top of our heads and making us laugh at the dinner table. Deep down she wanted us to know love, and I think she knew, deep down, that she was the one that provided that. I never remember him really playing with us, only, as he called it,  _ teaching _ . But then when things changed, she changed. Her whole world changed, a world that he’d already altered way too much. And with everything that went on later, the move, the media, the name change, I just don’t think she really had the strength to fight anymore.”

Anya was quiet after that, but Lexa didn’t expect her to answer. These weren’t any news to Anya, but sometimes it helped to hear them out loud for them to make sense. Lexa had learned that during therapy, actually.

“I don’t know why Lincoln went there today,” Lexa said, looking out over her garden. “I think a part of him was there to find out about the copycat, sure. But I think a part of him wanted what you did. We all lost something that night. Maybe we shouldn’t be so hard on him for trying to get that piece back. And Anya?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you,” Lexa said, forcing it out even if it was hard to say.

Anya looked over at her. “For what?”

“For not asking me to come with you,” she said so softly that she was afraid that Anya wouldn’t catch it. But she saw her nod in the corner of her eye.

“Always.”

//

He walked around the bed, snagging the shirt that he’d hung over the back of the chair and pulled it over his head and let it fall around him. The shirt was too large for him, but just large enough that he wouldn’t draw attention. He stepped into the bathroom, quickly shaving off the continuously growing stubble on his chin and observed his face in the mirror. His hair fell around his face, framing his features and was parted down the middle in a classic, southern way. Soon he’d need to think about getting a trim, men with longer hair usually drew more looks than men with shorter hair. 

He put on a dark green baseball cap and pulled out a pair of sunglasses, ordinary black square frames, and perched them on the bridge of his nose. Then he bent down, pulling on his sneakers and carefully tied his shoelaces with double knots. Before heading out the door, he walked over to the mirror again, assessing his appearance, nodding in approval.

He wore a pair of simple light grey running shorts that went down to the knee, a slightly large white t-shirt without a print on, making it look like he was just an average guy going to the gym, but hiding the fact that he was, in fact, in very good physical condition. Six packs and popping veins usually drew people’s attention. His dark hair poked out from around the cap in a charming but not unusual way, and his eyes were covered by the sunglasses as most were during the summer.

He grabbed his gym bag from the foot of his bed, and after a last glance, headed out the door. He nodded his head once towards the guy behind the desk at the motel, polite but not overly friendly, and walked out into the street outside.

He’d chosen his motel with care, just as he’d done all the others. Not too cheap, not too pricey. Far enough from town so that he wouldn’t get recognized by nosy shop owners but close enough to walk over there if he wanted. As he steered his steps towards Polis’s one gym, he noted how he wasn’t looked at twice, and he could see at least four other guys dressed in similar attire.

Inside of the gym he set his bag down by the treadmill and pulled out his earphones, plugging them into his ears and put on the latest workout music playlist, high enough for the beat to fill his head but low enough so that he could hear the conversation. As he began jogging, he quickly upped the tempo so that he ran at a steady pace. And as Titus once told him, what makes them stand out from the others, it was simply just discipline. 

Discipline to do the necessary, he’d once said.

The TV flickered in the corner, drawing his eyes towards it. It was showing a news report of the progress in the hunt for the killer that murdered the twenty one year old Hannah Flynn.

He couldn’t help the corners of his mouth turning upwards when he saw the news reporter still didn’t have any updates about the killer's identity.

//

After driving through town, passing the gym that lay in the outskirts of the city and then passing the diner, the different food stores, the sheriff’s station and the school, Lexa walked out of the car and fidgeted with the hem of her shirt before walking towards the hospital’s entrance. In her hand she held a rose with a card attached to its stem, asking a simple question. Still, Lexa’s heart felt like it was beating a million miles a minute. She suspected that she would never really stop feeling this way around Clarke. 

Not that she minded, much.

She walked into the hospital and for about five seconds, she forgot that she was inside of a hospital. She looked around trying to see if she could spot Clarke’s golden hair, when she accidentally let her eyes wander over to a seat where an elderly man sat, looking as if were seconds from passing out. Lexa moved without really thinking, quickly crouching in front of the man and looking up at him with worried eyes.

“Sir?” Lexa said and looked him over. “Sir, are you alright?”

“I don’t-”

She had about a seconds warning before the man’s head fell forward and he came tumbling down mid sentence, causing Lexa to scramble back. 

“Sir!” She called out and looked around. “Someone, get a gurney and a doctor!” Lexa called to the people sitting nearby as Lexa put two fingers to his neck, feeling for a pulse. She tilted her head, putting her ear close to his nose and watched to see if his chest rose.

Nothing. 

She moved as if on autopilot. She put one hand over the other on the elderly man’s sternum, directly above the heart, and started with compressions. She knew that if this man had had a heart attack or a stroke, the one thing that would keep him from dying was to do compressions, to keep the blood flowing through his body and, most importantly, to his brain.

_ Staying alive, staying alive, ah ah ah ah, staying alive, staying alive… _

The lyrics went on and on in her head, something she picked up from the academy. She pumped her hands over his chest to the beat of the song and didn’t notice the people around her stopping and staring, not quite sure what to do to help. She didn’t pause to process the sheer shock of what was happening, she just kept going.

Lexa bent over and pinched her fingers over the man’s nose, tilting his chin up with her other hand freeing his airway while covering his mouth with hers and blowing a firm breath into his open mouth. She did it once more before getting back up, starting compressions again.

She didn’t notice the doctor’s rushing forward, she just knew that she needed to keep doing the chest compressions. She felt a hand on her shoulder, but she shrugged it off. It wasn’t until the hand came back, practically shoving her back that snapped her out of actions. She looked over her shoulders, ready to snap at the person, when she found herself staring into Clarke’s eyes.

“Clarke?” she said, noticing how winded she sounded.

“Lex, it’s fine, but we need to load him up onto the gurney,” she said in a firm voice. Lexa blinked and nodded, moving away and looked back at the man. They quickly turned him to the side and slid the backboard under him and lifted him up onto the gurney, placing a bag over his nose and mouth, blowing air into his mouth. As soon as he was on that gurney, three doctors rushed off, leaving Lexa’s head in a million different places.

“Lexa?” Clarke said, now a bit worried.

“Yeah,” she mumbled and sat back on the floor, trying to make sense of her own state. “Yeah, I just need a minute.” Her voice sounded surprisingly calm, even to her.

Her words were drowned by the sound of applause, making Lexa jump and look up in shock. All around her, people stood, looking at her with looks of awe. 

Lexa just blinked at them.

“C’mon,” Clarke said into her ear. “Let’s go. Alright people, thank you,” Clarke said with a polite smile. “Shows over, thank you.”

Lexa could only follow, but managed to shoot a small smile towards the group of people before being pulled forward, the smile turning into more of a grimace. She had no idea of where Clarke was taking her, but she suspected towards Clarke’s office. She let herself get pushed into a room, and Lexa looked up only to feel more confused.

“This is a supply closet,” Lexa stated, making Clarke snort.

“Aren’t you smart. Hey, what happened? Are you okay?”

Lexa blinked. “I mean… Yeah. I think so? I was coming to see you actually, and I looked around and then I just saw him. It looked like he was going to faint.” Lexa noticed that even though she felt shocked, she didn’t feel as bad as she thought she would. In fact, she felt fine. 

Clarke, clearly as shocked by her current state as Lexa was, stared at her. “And when he collapsed, you just started doing CPR?”

Lexa just nodded. “He collapsed and I don’t know, I just started doing the compressions and- hey, _why are you_ _laughing_?” Lexa said in bewilderment at Clarke’s sudden outburst. Clarke slapped a hand over her mouth, but the laughter bubbled out anyway.

“I’m sorry,” she said eventually. “I’m sorry, it’s just- You just can’t stop, can you?”

“Can’t stop what?” Lexa said, now very clearly confused. “I didn’t  _ make  _ him collapse-”

“You just can’t stop  _ saving people _ ,” Clarke clarified with a soft voice, gently cupping the side of Lexa’s face. Lexa could feel her cheeks reddening as she shook her head.

“Clarke, anyone would have-”

“Did any of the other’s rush forward to help? Even before he fell, did the people around him notice? No, they didn’t. But  _ you _ , my sweet, amazing, heroic girlfriend, you noticed and because of you, he’s alive.”

“You don’t know that,” Lexa mumbled, but smiled nonetheless.

“I don’t,” Clarke said and nodded. “But he definitely wouldn’t have had a chance if you hadn’t been there in the first place. Hey, why were you there? You never go  _ into  _ the hospital, you usually just wait outside.”

Lexa swallowed. “Well-”

“Were you coming to see me?” Clarke said with a smile that grew by the second, making Lexa chuckle and draw Clarke into a hug, pressing their bodies together.

“Maybe.”

Clarke’s smile only grew. “Well, here I am,” she said and leaned forward, pressing a light kiss against Lexa’s lips. Lexa just hummed in response, pressing her tighter against herself.

“I wanted to ask if you wanted to come over for dinner,” Lexa said in a breathless voice, opening her eyes to Clarke’s already open ones. Clarke just shook her head slightly and kissed the tip of her nose.

“Lexa,” Clarke said with a soft chuckle. “A perk of having a girlfriend,” she said in a hushed voice and leaned forward, capturing her lips once again. “Is that you don’t have to ask,” another kiss, lightly sucking on her bottom lip, “I’m all yours,” she mumbled before opening her mouth more fully, beckoning Lexa to follow. All Lexa could do was hang on, she gripped her hands around Clarke’s waist and moaned into the kiss as she felt Clarke’s hand scratch at the base of her skull, hand tangling in her hair.

But then Clarke’s pager went off and Clarke sighed, leaning her forehead against Lexa’s. “Sometimes, I really hate that thing,” Clarke said with a breathless voice. “I’m off at four today,” she said, looking up and into Lexa’s hooded eyes. “I’ll be over around six?”

All Lexa could do was nod.

“Oh, and I’ll bring you an update on that man,” Clarke said as she opened the door. “My hero,” she said softly, before turning around, leaving Lexa winded, wound up and alone in a supply closet with no clue of how to get from here to the hospital entrance.

//

Lexa stood by the stove, hips swaying slightly to the beat of the music as she stirred in the pot and watched how the contents simmered. She’d chosen to make something simple yet tasteful, and maybe a bit romantic. Italian meatballs with homemade pasta, it was something that everyone liked and appreciated. Plus, it made her think of  _ Lady and the Tramp.  _ She’d chosen to add a fair amount of cheese while making the meatballs, and adding a spoon of honey into the tomato sauce gave it a little extra sweetness to it.

Ever since coming to her Uncle’s, Lexa had discovered that she really loved to cook. Maybe it was because she really took a liking to Nyko, or maybe she just had a knack for it, she wasn’t really sure why her interest suddenly sparked just then. Nyko had of course been overjoyed, and she still used to hear his excited voice in her mind as he’d tell her tricks over her shoulder when he’d watched as she cooked. 

He’d begun with letting her assist him, helping him chop up vegetables and stir in the different pots and pans. When she’d gotten older it evolved into them dividing the tasks, someone did the chopping for one thing and made that while the other cooked the rice or spaghetti and maybe made a salad. Eventually when she became old enough and he might’ve been more busy with work, she’d taken over the dinner that day. She’d made everything from making homemade fries, grilled salmon, stuffed papricas, lasagna, curry’s and ratatouille.

No matter who cooked though, they always did a taste test. 

Looking back she realized how lucky they’d been to have been able to experiment as much as they did, being an adult and suddenly having to pay for everything herself had been quite a shock when she realized some of the prizes. But, after years in college, struggling financially like everyone else and being forced to eat noodles every day, she finally got back to the luxury of being able to eat a very varied diet.

She’d just finished draining the pasta when she heard a knock on her door. Despite having known for a fact that Clarke would show up at six, she still felt a swarm of butterflies awake in her stomach. She put down the strainer and almost ran and went to open the front door. She threw it open and opened her mouth to welcome her in, but found that she couldn’t make her mouth move.

Clarke stood a few steps behind the door, in a soft blue dress with loose long sleeves, one hand clasped over the other, looking so beautiful that it physically  _ hurt _ . Her hair flowed freely around her shoulders, softly framing her face, her blue eyes looking into hers with so much emotion that it made her choke. 

“Hi,” Clarke said, sounding just as breathless as Lexa felt. The simple word, hearing her angelic voice, caused a shiver to run down her spine.

“Come in,” she said after a second, stepping aside so that she could actually get inside. “You look…”

Clarke looked up at her with a small smile.

“Absolutely stunning,” Lexa said, still frozen by the door.

She watched how the smile grew and how a faint blush coated her cheeks. “Thank you. It smells delicious,” Clarke said, suddenly very aware of Lexa’s intense stare. “What are you making?” She wandered into the kitchen, sniffed in the air and Lexa heard her gasp when she went by the living room. Only then did Lexa move, already smirking slightly when Clarke turned around.

“How…?”

Lexa walked up to where Clarke stood and leaned against the door frame. “They only finished two days ago.” Lexa followed Clarke’s eyes as she took in the room, eyes flitting over every surface, taking in the colors, the shapes, the feeling. Until they landed on the picture standing on the mantelpiece.

She saw how Clarke swallowed, taking a step towards it as if she was drawn by a magnet. Lexa only watched, getting the feeling that Clarke needed this moment by herself.

“Your mom helped,” Lexa explained softly.

“She did?” Clarke said, voice so soft and vulnerable that it made Lexa’s heart ache for her.

“I hope it was okay,” Lexa said, suddenly feeling just a little bit anxious, feeling like she’d maybe crossed a line. “I just wanted-”

“Lexa, hush for a second,” Clarke said, her fingers grazing the photo.

It was a photo of a young Clarke, seen from the side looking through a telescope looking out over the ocean, standing on her tiptoes, with Jake standing beside her with one hand on her back, the other pointing towards the horizon. Both of them focused, neither noticing that Abby had captured the sweet moment between the two.

“We were on vacation in California,” Clarke said. “I’d just turned eight, I think. We drove all the way from San Francisco down to Los Angeles, stopping by Disney Land on the way back,” she said with a smile. “It was the best week I’d had.”

She sighed softly and after letting her fingers linger on her father’s face, she turned around slowly. “How did you find this? I didn’t even know this picture existed.” Lexa could see that her eyes were glistening in the light, and the sight of her unshed tears had Lexa moving forward in an instant. 

“Abby. I wanted you to know that this house, this place, it’s not just my place,” Lexa said and brought her arms around Clarke when she leaned against Lexa’s side. “I know better than anyone how hard it is to lose a parent, especially if you love them.” Clarke sighed at her chosen words, but Lexa didn’t think too much of them. Because in her case, they were true.

“You never talk about your mom,” Clarke mumbled softly into Lexa’s neck.

“No,” Lexa agreed. “But you can ask whatever you want. She died a long time ago.”

“I feel like I’m going to ruin the night if I do.”

Lexa chuckled and brought a hand up to Clarke’s chin, tilting her head up slightly and placed a soft kiss on her lips. “Never. I’m okay, I promise. You can ask.”

Clarke waited another beat before glancing towards the photo of her and Jake, Lexa could practically hear the questions swirling in her mind. “How old were you?”

“Fifteen. She died close to Christmas,” Lexa said and closed her eyes, remembering the day. “I was home on my lunch break, about to take our dog Bullet out for a quick walk with a guy from school.”

She could feel Clarke’s sharp intake of breath, but admired her for not immediately asking the obvious question. Lexa, who appreciated that, answered that one before Clarke had to ask the question.

“She’d been depressed for a little over a year. When I found her, she’d been dead for about an hour.”

“Oh, Lexa.”

Lexa just hummed in response. She still felt the pain, but over the years, it had dulled to just a background noise. Christmas’s was still hard, but not as hard as they used to be. “I remember yelling at Finn to call 911, and then doing CPR for about ten minutes until the paramedics came.”

“Finn?”

“The boy from school.”

“Lexa Woods, are you telling me that you had a boyfriend in high school?” Clarke said as she leaned back in her arms with a playful smirk. Lexa barked out a laugh.

“No, most definitely not. But I did have a rather big crush on this girl though,” she teased. “Her name was Amelia, I think. No, Finn was more of a necessity, as bad as it sounds. We shared some classes together, even worked on the school paper together.”

Clarke hummed softly. 

“It was after she died that I published that article that you all read,” she said and Lexa nodded towards the other wall. “I was approached by this journalist at my mom’s memorial, I know-”

“Son of a bitch,” Clarke said and Lexa chuckled.

“I know.”

“You don’t go up to someone at their loved ones fucking memorial,” she said, clearly fuming. “I hope you punched him.”

“Her, and no, I didn’t. I was close though. But she just left me her card, wanting the full story. But then I turned around, and nearly ran into Finn who I then learned was never really a friend in the first place. He cornered me, told me that he’d known all along who I was. Said that he wanted to write my story and send it in to The Times.”

“Alright, but you punched him, right?”

Lexa shook her head and started to chuckle. “No, but Bullet sure got a taste of him when he sank his teeth into his arm a few days later when he found out about me writing the article myself. You should have seen his face-”

“Wait,” Clarke said and turned around from the article and Lexa could see her eyes widening.

“What?”

“What was his name?”

“Who’s?”

“The boy from school,” she said and Lexa furrowed her brows.

“Finn.”

“Yeah, but his full name.”

“What, Finn’s? Finn Collins. But, Clarke, what does it-”

“Oh my  _ God _ ,” Clarke said and she slapped her hand over her mouth. Lexa tried to follow, but in this exact moment, her mind was completely blank.

“Are you okay?”

“I can’t believe that you-  _ Oh my God! _ ”

“ _ Clarke _ , what are you on about?”

“Sorry, I just,” she said, but then she just burst out laughing. “This is too good to be true. I’m sorry,” she wheezed out and all Lexa could do was to wait with both eyebrows raised, and hopefully get an explanation.

“I’m sorry,” she repeated and took Lexa’s hand, guiding her to the couch. “I just can’t believe that you knew him.”

Lexa’s head snapped up and she whipped around, a million questions forming in her head. “Wait, did  _ you  _ know him?”

“Yes, unfortunately,” Clarke said with a bitter laugh. “I met him when I was twenty one, in my third year of med school. He was milling around campus and after bumping into me a few times he asked me out. We ended up dating for a few years.”

Lexa couldn’t believe her eyes and looked at her with round eyes. “But, Clarke-”

“He’s an ass? Yeah, I caught on to that. I don’t know why I stuck around, all I can say is at first I really felt like he meant what he was saying,” she said with a sigh. “I can’t believe that I stayed and thought that I loved him. Looking back, I only remember being lost and lonely. Did you know that he told me that he’d gotten that scar on his arm from being stuck in a tree? I even felt sorry for him. And I can’t even compare what I felt towards him to the way I do for you now.”

Lexa smiled, but just barely. The thought of Clarke with that fake, idiot, cold son of a bitch really made her blood boil.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Clarke said with an amused smile. “But you should know that Octavia already punched him once.”

“Remind me to thank Octavia for that later,” Lexa said with a growl. “No he got that scar after coming into my home, inviting himself over to dinner only to pressure me about writing the article that was going to make his career or some shit. When he realized that I’d already written it and that it was being published, he would have broken my nose if it weren’t for Bullet.”

Clarke gasped. “He tried to  _ hit you _ ?”

“Yes,” Lexa bit out and then focused on Clarke’s face as she asked the next question. “Did he ever hurt you?”

“What? No,” she said but Lexa gripped her hand.

“You can tell me anything-”

“I know that, but no,” she said softly. “I promise, he never hurt me. Physically, at least. The only thing he did do was make me believe that love didn’t exist, but lucky for me, you changed that.”

“I should have hit him when I had the chance.”

“Yeah, but you have a heart of gold. Anyways, that was years ago now. But I still can’t believe that you knew him.”

Lexa just shook her head, not knowing really what to say to that. “The last I remember of him, I had just gotten the news from a detective that Finn was currently spending the night in a jail cell for hiring some theatrics to make me think that my identity had gotten out.”

“He really hired some people to pose as paparazzi?”

“Yeah, he really did,” Lexa said. But then she started to chuckle. “That was a fun day, me, Lincoln and the Uncle’s stayed home that day, baking, playing board games, walking Bullet around Central Park. That moment when we got those news, that we didn’t have to move again, I think it reminded us of everything that we had.”

“At least some good came from that.”

“Yeah. I’m just happy that things turned out the way they did. Otherwise, I probably wouldn’t have met you.”

Clarke just shook her head, lips turning up. “Always succeeding with turning everything so romantic.”

Lexa chuckled and got up, held out a hand for Clarke to take. “C’mon, let’s go eat.”

“What have you made? You never said,” Clarke said, taking her hand and let Lexa pull her up from the couch. “It smells delicious.”

“Sit down and see for yourself,” Lexa said and pulled out a chair for her at her very new dining room table, loving the sight of Clarke’s slightly flushed face at the sight of the table. Lexa had lit a few candles, put out a basket of cut up freshly baked bread, some olive oil, salt and pepper, a bottle of red wine in a cooling container and, most importantly of all, a single red rose laying across Clarke’s plate.

“Is this all for me?” Clarke asked, tone a bit hushed and with a pink shade coating her cheeks. Lexa just nodded and went over to the stove, bringing the pot with the pasta and meatballs over to the table.

“Did you make pasta and meatballs?” Clarke said when she peered over the edge of the pot.

“Maybe,” Lexa said with a chuckle. “Will my sweet girlfriend please remove her rose so that I can serve her some food?”

“Music to my ears,” Clarke mumbled and happily obliqued. While Lexa carefully served Clarke with a fair amount of food, she could feel Clarke’s eyes travelling around the kitchen. “Lex, this is amazing,” she finally said, bringing her eyes back to Lexa. “I can’t believe that they’re finished already.”

“I know, I think I saw Bellamy cry when he handed me back the key and told me that they were done,” Lexa said with a laugh. “But I gotta say, I’m going to miss having him and his crew here.”

“Yeah, they’re great,” Clarke said with a sigh.

“I was thinking about inviting him and Gina as well as O and Lincoln over for dinner in the week,” Lexa said and glanced up at Clarke. “I would really love it if you could come too.”

Clarke smiled widely. “Lexa, I thought I’d already told you that you don’t need to ask.”

Lexa copied her smile and sat down, serving herself some food with much less care than she’d done with Clarke’s plate. Then she reached over to the olive oil and poured some onto an empty plate and poured a pretty generous amount of salt and pepper in there.

“I knew you liked cooking, but I never knew just how much you liked cooking,” Clarke said as she eyed Lexa’s movements. Lexa paused with what she was doing and looked up rather sheepishly.

“Yeah, cooking is like… I guess you could say that it’s a form of art,” she explained. “I just love the feeling I get when I’m cooking, both old and new recipes. And I love that you can say so much with a meal. Like this for example, for some people pasta with meatballs is a fairly common meal, but you can twist it into anything you want. Try it.”

“Hm?”

“Try it and see if you can pick up on what I’m trying to say,” she said with a laugh.

Clarke looked at her with an amused smile, but then carefully twisted some of it onto a fork and bit into it. Lexa watched with mostly curious eyes, maybe a little anxiousness, as Clarke processed what she was eating.

“Lexa, this is incredible! What have you put in these things?” She exclaimed and looked down. “They’re, they’re, I mean, they’re just incredible!” She excitedly stabbed her fork into another meatball and Lexa laughed.

“See? With a meal you can really put a taste to a feeling, a moment. But I’m really glad you liked it,” she added, smiling softly.

“Liked it? I love it! I don’t think anyone’s ever cooked me a meal this good before,” Clarke laughed and smiled at Lexa. “Thank you,” she said and covered Lexa’s hand with hers. “I really needed this.”

“Any time,” Lexa mumbled and started to eat herself.

“And as for what you’re trying to say… That you love me,” Clarke said softly, meeting Lexa’s eyes and just seeing it radiating out from her. 

Lexa nodded sheepishly. “I had this scene from Lady and the Tramp in my head, imagining that I was the Tramp taking you out to this cute little place. You’re like the spitting image of Lady, by the way,” Lexa said with a soft laugh. “Beautiful.”

Clarke just rolled her eyes. “Did you just compare me to a dog?”

“You should take that as the highest compliment, I used to have the biggest crush on Lady,” Lexa said which earned a chuckle from Clarke. “Yeah, Lady, Pocahontas and Esmeralda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame, and I really loved that scene when Aurora danced with the prince. She looked so graceful, flowing around…”

“You are so gay,” Clarke laughed and Lexa just smirked.

“You just figured that out?”

“I mean I knew you were, I just never realized to what level, but this, this is something else,” she said with a laugh. “But I don’t know if I had specific disney crushes, I just remember that I fell in love with at least one character in all of them,” Clarke said after being done laughing over Lexa’s early crushes. “But I do remember forcing Bellamy to call me Marion a couple of times, Robin Hood’s crush,” Clarke said with a laugh.

“Who played Robin Hood then?” Lexa asked and watched how Clarke’s eyes darted up to hers.

“No one, actually. I guess I didn’t know anyone back then who made me feel like Robin Hood made Marion feel.”

Now it was Lexa’s turn to blush. “No? What about now?”

Clarke nudged her foot against Lexa’s. “You know the answer to that.”

Lexa hummed and smiled down on her plate, scooping up another mouthful of the pasta. 

“Have Raven figured out that you can cook yet?” Clarke asked with a smirk, making Lexa pause.

“...no?”

“Don’t tell her. She’ll make you cook to the entire fire house every time you’re on shift,” she said with a laugh. Lexa just huffed out a breath and shook her head.

“Clarke, I hate to break it to you, but I’m the Lieutenant. I don’t usually do the cooking.”

“Oh believe me, if Raven wanted to, she could find a way into forcing you to cook,” Clarke said. “Don’t you think?”

“Yeah,” Lexa said with an actual shudder. “I don’t even want to imagine what that could be.”

“Probably something scandalous she’d hold over your head,” Clarke said with a growing smirk, clearly with that something already in her head. Lexa, sensing the path Clarke was one, swallowed nervously.

“And what would that be exactly?”

Clarke just hummed in response, and then Lexa froze. Clarke’s foot slowly traced a path up from Lexa’s left ankle, making its way up her leg and following the curve of her knee, goosebumps trailing in its wake.

But then she stopped and the foot disappeared, leaving Lexa quite breathless, but from the look on Clarke’s face she was far from done. Clarke raised an eyebrow as if to say ‘ _ Your move _ ’. Despite the fact that her heart was racing in her chest, despite the fact that she was afraid to open her mouth because of the inevitable squeak that would come, she slowly got up from the table and made her way around it, never taking her eyes off of Clarke.

She couldn’t help smirking when she noticed Clarke’s face slip for a second, but she nearly caved herself when Clarke bit into her lower lip.

Lexa didn’t stop walking until she was behind Clarke, and she waited a moment before leaning forward, placing her hands on the back of Clarke’s chair and her mouth close to her ear, just barely touching her skin with her lips. She revelled at the sound of Clarke’s sharp intake of breath, but settled with a small upturn of her lips.

She didn’t know how she knew what to say, but the words in that moment flowed freely from her lips, shocking even herself.

“Do you know what’s been running over and over again through my mind? Your touch, turning my skin ablaze. Do you remember what you said to me?”

Lexa  _ heard  _ Clarke swallow before she answered, and Lexa almost purred when she heard a slight tremor in her voice. “When?”

Lexa, ignoring her question, went on. “You told me that you couldn’t wait to have me all to yourself. So that you could map out my body with your tongue and make me scream your name. How you planned on showing me just how much you liked the bed. How you couldn’t wait to taste me.”

Clarke licked her lips. “I don’t think I said that last one.”

“Right,” Lexa said with a soft smirk. “That was what I was planning on doing to you. Do you want to know what else I have in mind?” Lexa could tell that Clarke held her breath, and enjoying this a little too much, Lexa removed her hands from the back of Clarke’s chair and gently ran the tips of her fingers down the length of Clarke’s arms in a slow motion. The sudden intake of breath was enough for Lexa to place a light kiss in the space just below her earlobe before continuing.

“I’m going to kiss every inch of your body. I’m especially going to make sure,” she said and let one of her hands linger over Clarke’s collarbones, “that you’re writhing under me in pleasure before I make you come on my tongue.” She let her fingers trail down the front of Clarke’s dress, and now Lexa could  _ feel  _ how she was trembling slightly. “And when you come,” Lexa whispered. “It’ll be for my eyes, and for my eyes only.”

“God yes,” Clarke gasped out and turned around in her seat so fast that Lexa didn’t even have time to register the movement. Suddenly Clarke’s mouth was on hers, her hands fisting in her hair and all Lexa could feel was the heat radiating from Clarke’s body into her own.

“Upstairs,  _ now _ ,” Clarke practically growled out and Lexa nodded frantically, already pushing Clarke towards the direction of the stairs. Lexa had no idea how they managed to get all the way up the actual stairs without falling, but all of a sudden they stood locked in each other against the door leading into the bedroom and all Lexa could focus on was the fact that Clarke had pushed her hands in under her shirt and was currently running her hands all over Lexa’s toned stomach.

“Oh god,” Clarke breathed out against her lips. “Shirt off,  _ now _ .”

Lexa, already fumbling with the tie of Clarke’s dress, abandoned her work and quickly shredded her blouse and opened the door, pushing Clarke through the opening. Her mouth found Clarke’s again mere seconds later, pushing her towards the bed and couldn’t help the moan that tore out of her throat when Clarke scraped her nails lightly over the exposed skin on Lexa’s stomach. But then Clarke’s fingers graced over the clasp of Lexa’s bra, and Clarke leaned back slightly.

“Can I take this off?” She asked with a husky voice and Lexa just nodded with her mind racing and heat pooling between her legs. Clarke undid the clasp of her bra and it ended up being thrown somewhere behind them and a moan worked its way up her throat when Lexa felt one of Clarke hands coming up to cup to cup her breast.

And finally the tie at the back of Clarke’s neck went undone and the only thing that kept it from falling down was Lexa holding it up. She dragged the material over Clarke’s shoulders and continued to push it down her arms, until it fell and pooled around Clarke’s feet and revealed Clarke’s milky skin. Then she could feel how Clarke’s legs hit the edge of the bed and Lexa urged her up onto it, climbing up after her and leaning down on her elbow before capturing her lips again, the other hand finding Clarke’s hand on top of the covers and clasping it tightly in her own, placing one thigh in between her thighs and groaned when she felt Clarke’s hips already seeking friction to lessen the ache between them..

“Are you sure about this,” Lexa mumbled against Clarke’s hot lips. Clarke just nodded, one hand squeezing hers and the other one travelling up the bare expanse of Lexa’s back. “I need you to answer me,” Lexa groaned as she pushed her jean clad thigh up against Clarke’s center, causing a loud moan to tear out of her throat.

“ _ Yes _ ,” Clarke hissed out when coming into contact with her thigh and started to fumble with the button on her jeans. “The jeans, take them off.”

Lexa rolled off of her and kicked off her jeans, but before she was able to turn back to Clarke, she was right  _ there _ , leaning down and capturing her lips. Lexa moaned into the kiss when she felt Clarke’s hand move down her stomach, and continued down her stomach until her fingers graced the edge of her underwear. She sucked in a breath and threw her head back, but Clarke just dragged her fingers back up, cupping one of her breasts instead, flicking her thumb across the stiff nipple.

“Clarke,” Lexa huffed out and whimpered as Clarke’s mouth moved down the expanse of her neck, leaving a trail of kisses and only stopping shortly by her pulse point, biting slightly before soothing it over with a kiss, then continuing down her breast. Clarke flicked her eyes up and locked with Lexa’s as her lips closed around her nipple.

“Fuck,” Lexa said, arching off the bed. She gripped at the sheets with an iron grip and gasped as Clarke started kneading her breast, then switching, dragging her tongue across from one to the other.

Lexa was pretty sure she’d never been this worked up before before someone had even  _ touched her _ .

“Clarke,” she whined and in a normal situation would’ve hated that she sounded so needy. But in this particular moment, she couldn’t bring herself to care. She just needed Clarke to  _ touch  _ her already.

“Yes Lexa?” Clarke said sweetly and released her nipple with a popping sound. “Tell me what you want, and it’s yours.”

Lexa met her eyes and nearly came at the sight of her. “I just need you,  _ now, _ ” Lexa said and hoped Clarke would get the message. 

_ I’m not going to last much longer. _

“Alright baby,” Clarke murmured against her skin and suddenly Clarke was dragging a finger through Lexa’s wet folds and Lexa was pretty sure she saw stars. She sucked in a sharp breath and felt how her head fell back against the bed, not at all ready for the burst of sensations that went through her body.

“Please,” Lexa whimpered. “I need more.  _ Fuck, Clarke. _ ”

“I’ve got you baby,” Clarke murmured against her skin before she felt how Clarke’s finger circled her clit once, twice, before moving down and gathering wetness before gently slipping inside, and the sound that tore out of Lexa’s mouth shocked even her.

“God, you’re so wet,” Clarke moaned in her ear, which only made the coil in Lexa’s stomach tighter.

Clarke started to move inside of her, adding another finger and Lexa was pretty sure she’d never felt this way ever before. She knew that the words that were making their way out of her mouth were incoherent and quite possible not all that understandable, but it seemed like Clarke was understanding her quite well.

“Come for me baby,” Clarke murmured and all of a sudden her thumb started moving in hard circles over her clit, and Lexa just felt her body explode.

She came with a cry, back arching off the bed and neck extended, eyes clenched together but instead of darkness, Lexa saw stars.

She felt how Clarke slowly removed her fingers as she was coming down from her high and she sighed in pure bliss and opened her eyes, only to feel her stomach tightening again when she saw what Clarke was doing. She had brought her dripping fingers up to her own mouth, tasting Lexa on her fingers and sucking them clean, eyes closed and with a sigh escaping her lips. Lexa could only moan at the sight.

“Come here,” Lexa finally managed to get out, bringing her hand up to drag Clarke’s mouth down to her and moaning when she tasted herself on Clarke’s tongue. She cupped her hands around her face before sliding them all the way down to her hips, and smirked when Clarke gasped as she effortlessly flipped them around, hair falling like a curtain around them as Lexa leaned in and continued to kiss her.

“God,” Clarke said and Lexa could feel how she scratched at her back. She sat up and hastily tied her hair back into a bun, and she swore that she could see Clarke’s eyes darkening.

“You made me feel… Really good, just now,” Lexa said and leaned down to kiss her and brought one hand behind Clarke’s back, undoing the clasp of Clarke’s bra. And when she needed to come up for air, she gently started kissing her way the milky white skin of Clarke’s neck down to one of the straps, catching it gently with her teeth and dragged it over her shoulder before letting her hands do the rest.

“Please,” Clarke whimpered, causing Lexa to finally look up. She paused for a second, leaning on one elbow looking down at the sight of Clarke laid out beneath her, mouth formed like an o, eyelids shut tight and her chest rising and falling fast, and Lexa couldn’t help but to compare her to the sight of an angel. But then Clarke’s eyes snapped open and she huffed out an annoyed breath, making Lexa chuckle before nodding, continuing with the task at hand.

“Let me return the favor.”

She started at the base of her neck, placing hot and open mouthed kisses along over her chest, and Lexa felt her own eyes close at the sensation of closing her lips around Clarke hardened nipple while gently massaging the other breast with her hand. 

She released it and slowly made her way down her stomach, leaving a trail of kisses from her sternum down to her belly button. When she placed a soft kiss on Clarke’s hipbone, she heard how Clarke drew in a sharp breath.

“Is this okay?” Lexa murmured against her skin, looking up at Clarke while Lexa’s fingers rested atop the edge of Clarke’s underwear.

“ _ God yes, _ ” Clarke said and Lexa smirked and moved ahead. She gently guided the underwear down her legs, pausing only to help Clarke throw them off, and she couldn’t help but to stare unabashedly at the sight before her. Clarke laid spread out, limbs outstretched with rose cheeks and chest heaving, so completely  _ ready _ . Lexa lowered her mouth, starting from one of her knees and slowly working her way up on the inside of Clarke’s thigh.

When Lexa placed a soft kiss just below Clarke’s hip, she gently took hold of Clarke’s hands and guided them to her head, holding them there for a second before moving to gently grip at her thighs.

“You can pull,” Lexa murmured, meeting Clarke’s hooded eyes for a second before finally descending her head and closing her lips around Clarke’s clit.

The moan that tore through Lexa’s mouth when she was met with the very essence of Clarke was something that she wasn’t all that prepared for, but from the even louder one Clarke emitted, Lexa was pretty sure that Clarke hadn’t minded.

As she moved down and dragged her tongue over her swollen folds she felt how the hands that had now tangled in Lexa’s curls tightened to almost a painful grip.

“I need you, Lexa please,” she heard Clarke whimper, and who was Lexa to deny her? She smiled softly as she flattened her tongue and gently pushed it through Clarke’s folds.

“ _ Fuck yes. _ ”

As Lexa licked through her folds, Clarke gasped out unsteady breaths and kept a tight grip in her hair. A string of curse words erupted from her mouth when Lexa, without warning, slipped two fingers inside of her pumping tirelessly while her lips returned to her clit. Lexa smirked, but from the sounds and the jerky movements that came from the girl beneath, it told her enough that she knew it wouldn’t be long before Clarke would reach her peak.

Lexa looked up then, her thumb resuming what her tongue had been doing and she crawled up the bed so that she was laying next to Clarke, with her chin resting in her hand, looking down on Clarke’s flushed face, never faltering with her hand’s movements, ignoring the ache in her wrist.

“Lexa, I’m gonna…” Clarke whimpers and then she lets out the cutest, softest breath, her mouth opening slightly and her hair fanning out around her as she arches off the bed, and Lexa could feel Clarke clench around her fingers, pulling them even further into her. And then her hips jerk some before she finally relaxes, a soft  _ oh  _ escaping her lips as she comes down from her high.

Lexa, who’s still slowly working her fingers inside of Clarke, smiled at the sight and she can’t help but lean down, capturing her lips with her own. She can hear how Clarke moans into the kiss as Lexa realizes that she can probably taste herself on Lexa’s tongue, and Lexa starts to think that she may have gone too far but when starting to lean back, Clarke followed her every movement. She smiled into the kiss, chuckled slightly at her response and happily obliqued. And as Clarke stilled beneath her, Lexa removed her fingers and copied Clarke’s earlier move, first leaning back enough and then bringing them up and closing her lips around them.

“That’s so hot,” Clarke groaned and Lexa’s chuckle had barely left her mouth as Clarke removed her fingers and crashed her lips against Lexa’s, moving them with urgency yet delicacy.

“I can’t believe we finally did that,” Clarke said in between their kisses and Lexa could only nod, smiling like an idiot.

“You have a dirty mouth,” Lexa mumbled, earning an endearing laugh from Clarke and a head shake.

“Yeah, well there was this drop dead gorgeous girl eating me out, so, there’s that,” she said with a smirk, causing Lexa to bark out a laugh.

She leaned back on her elbows next to Clarke and couldn’t help but to just admire the girl in front of her. “I love you,” she said softly, and she loved the way that she heard Clarke’s breath catch.

“I love you too,” Clarke said and blinked up at her. “I really love you too,” she said with a chuckle, cupping her cheek with her hand. Lexa’s smile grew, and then she reached down, pulling one of the blankets that the Uncle’s sent her over their bare and warm bodies before laying down with her head on Clarke’s stomach, just above Clarke’s belly button and sighed happily.

She hummed softly when she felt how Clarke’s finger’s started moving through her hair, combing through her curls, sending soft shivers down her spine.

“This is going to sound really cheesy,” Lexa mumbled and focused on drawing light patterns with her fingers on Clarke’s soft skin. “But before meeting you, I didn’t think feeling like this was in the cards for me. I remember being around love, my Uncle’s, Cos and Luna’s, Linc and O’s, but I never really pictured myself loving anyone that much. And then you came,” she said and chuckled. “Changed every plan, tore down every wall that I had put up.”

“That’s a good thing, right?” Clarke said with a light chuckle.

“Yes,” Lexa said softly. “I knew from the moment I met you that nothing would ever be the same again, as crazy as that sounds.”

“I mean, why wouldn’t you think that? I practically  _ ran _ into you.” Clarke placed a kiss on top of Lexa’s hair. “I’m sorry about that.”

“Don’t be,” Lexa chuckled. “When I looked up, at first I thought I saw an angel.”

Clarke stilled at her words and Lexa felt her sucking in a breath. “I couldn’t see your face, the sun was behind you. I just saw a beautiful girl with a halo of golden hair,” Lexa continued softly. “And then you spoke, and it was like music to my ears. Still is.”

Clarke was silent for a moment, just moving her fingers through Lexa’s hair. “I knew you were a romantic person, but I didn’t know just how much of it you were,” she then said, causing Lexa to snort.

“Don’t let Anya hear you say that,” she grumbled. “She’d just laugh at me.”

“Don’t worry, I’ve got your back. Always.”

Lexa smiled at the word, placing a kiss against the bare skin of Clarke’s stomach. “Always.”

Lexa fell silent after that, just enjoying being here, with Clarke, just being in the moment and not having a care in the world. She traced out patterns of flowers, of clouds and hearts gently across the soft expanse of her stomach, causing a shiver here and there to appear and sometimes even drew a soft chuckle from the blonde.

“You never told me why you don’t like hospitals,” Clarke said a while later, running her hands lazily through Lexa’s soft hair. Lexa, with her head on Clarke’s bare stomach, shrugged.

“It’s nothing, really,” Lexa mumbled, gently stroking circles onto Clarke’s prominent hip bone. But Clarke knew Lexa. She noticed the way her voice changed tones slightly, how she sounded like she briefly visited a memory.

“Lex, you can tell me anything,” Clarke mumbled.

“I know,” she said. Then she laughed, doing the exact opposite of what Clarke thought she was going to do. “I used to think that I would become a doctor actually.”

“What?”

“Yeah. Cos worked as one, still is. I was still so young, fourteen, fifteen at the time. Hearing about how she spent her days saving people, it inspired me.” But then she paused, hands stilling. “But then when my mom killed herself, everything just changed.”

“Oh,” Clarke said with a light intake of breath. Lexa smiled against her stomach, gently brushing over her belly button, telling her it was okay. Clarke couldn’t see her expression, but when she’d talked about her downstairs she had this soft expression, like she was remembering something in a fond way, not really a sad one, not a happy one. 

“When I rode in that ambulance, walking into that hospital, sitting in that waiting room...” Clarke seemed to get what she was saying, because suddenly she felt Clarke tug at her hair, making her look up.

“You don’t have to…”

Lexa just shook her head. “As I said, it was a long time ago. My mom, I think she just got tired. She’d fought for so long, and nothing was going her way. She wrote me a letter that I found afterwards,” Lexa said and remembered her reading it, the tears dripping down from her eyes and the confusion, hurt and sorrow that had consumed her after reading the words that she’d written her. Now, ten plus years later, she appreciated the letter more than she could ever have thought possible. Like it was a piece of the mama that she knew and loved, not the shell that she’d become.

“I remember being so confused by her, not understanding her reasons at all of why she did what she did. I found three letters, one from my father’s attorney, one from Titus Forest himself and one addressed to me. I read the first two and got really angry with her at first. The attorney talked about Titus wanting a divorce and he wrote about how she’d betrayed him, not upholding her promise she’d made to God when she married him. But then in the letter she wrote to me, she explained why she’d been trying, even after all of the terrible things he’d done.”

Lexa sighed deeply and looked up then, already meeting Clarke’s ones, filled with concern and understanding. She moved up the bed and laid next to her, turning on her side and with the tip of her finger she gently traced the outline of Clarke’s cheekbone.

“She said that she stayed with him so that God might forgive her for the crimes my father did,” she mumbled, watching Clarke’s eyes grow wider. She felt how Clarke gripped a light hand around her wrist, offering comfort. She smiled slightly at that, before continuing.

“Anyways. Hospitals just remind me of that day, sitting in that horrible waiting area with Gustus, waiting for the terrible news I knew would come. It’s hard for me to go in, because it seems like every time I do, I see someone’s face, hear someone cry, and it’s like I’m transported to that day filled with all of this death and sadness. I know that it’s not always like that,” Lexa said, hoping that Clarke would take this the right way. “But I can’t seem to get past it.”

“I get it,” Clarke said and squeezed the hand holding her wrist lightly. “I mean I don’t get it, but I get it.”

Lexa smiled softly and leaned forward, placing her lips just barely against Clarke’s before leaning back again. Then she laughed softly. “Do you know my mom never liked the name ‘Lexa’? It took her a long time before she started calling me that. It used to drive me insane,” she said with a chuckle.

“Yeah?” Clarke said with a smile. “I thought you picked that one because it was a nickname.”

“No, or well, almost,” Lexa said and her smile turned into a cheeky grin. “It’s actually quite embarrassing,” she said she could feel the blush creeping up her neck.

“Tell me!” Clarke said with a laugh.

“Well, in my defense, I was eight,” Lexa said with a laugh and flopped back against the pillows, contemplating throwing one over her face to hide her embarrassment. Clarke, as if she sensed what Lexa was thinking, followed her movements and ended up on top of her, arms crossed gently over Lexa’s chest as she leaned her chin against her arms, peering down at her with curious yet humorous eyes.

She chuckled slightly and placed a warm hand against Clarke’s back and felt herself nod.

“So I was eight and all of us, me, Anya and Lincoln, had heard this argument that the Uncle’s had one night. It was the night when the media had somehow learned my name and we were being hounded by all of these paparazzis. We were upstairs, supposed to be getting ready for bed, but that night we just stayed at the top of the staircase. In our defense, they weren’t exactly quiet,” she mumbled and only rolled her eyes at Clarke’s adorable laugh.

“I can just imagine, three smaller versions of you, crowding the top step and hushing each other, trying to catch every word.”

“Yeah, that sounds about right,” Lexa laughed and started to trace out a staircase on Clarke’s back, taken back by the memory. “If they would’ve decided, it would have been Lexi Woods,” Lexa said and scrunched up her eyebrows in dislike.

“Aw, little Lexi,” Clarke cooed and laughed even more at the stare Lexa sent her. “Sorry, continue.”

“That night I had this dream. I think that I thought that it was an older version of myself, but looking back now, I’m not so sure. I just remember seeing a warrior, sword strapped to her hip and with this bold war paint on,” she mumbled. “In the dream, the warrior was called Lexa. So that’s what I told my Uncle’s I wanted to be called. I wanted to become that warrior, or at least have a name to have as a shield,” she grumbled.

Clarke leaned down and kissed her after a laugh escaped her lips. “That,” she said and continued to move her mouth against hers, “was the most,” kiss, “adorable thing,” kiss, “I’ve ever heard you say,” kiss. “My little warrior.”

Lexa rolled her eyes but still moved her hands through Clarke’s golden hair, softly letting them tangle in her curls, drawing a soft sigh from her and then a smile from Lexa. But then she gasped when she felt how Clarke suddenly pushed her bare thigh against her center, and the hands in her hair tightened, causing Clarke to chuckle.

“Clarke wha-” But she stopped, another moan interrupting her train of thought when Clarke started leaving hot open mouthed kisses along her neck, gently sucking on her pulse point. “ _ Oh _ .”

“You thought we were finished?” Clarke said, and even though Lexa couldn’t see her, she knew that she was grinning. She felt Clarke’s hands finding her toned stomach that Lexa had started to realize that Clarke apparently found very appealing, and the sensation of Clarke’s nails scraping along her abs drew yet another moan out of her.

“Just wait, warrior of mine,” Clarke murmured against her skin as she continued down, down and further down Lexa’s body. Lexa had just about enough time to suck in a breath before she felt Clarke’s tongue practically lapping through her center and all she could do was gasp for breath at the million sensations that hit her all at once, not at all ready for the assault.

“You might wanna hold on to something.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you be jealous of fictional characters? If yes, then I'm very jealous of what these two share. Ugh they're so in love I can't even-
> 
> Anyways, that was a whole lot that happened in that chapter. Favorite parts? More copycat guesses? Feeling a need to fangirl about their relationship with me? Joking, but in all seriousness, how sweet were Lexa when she put up that picture with Jake? 
> 
> Thanks for sticking with this story, it's really picking up now! I love your guys's comments, so, as always, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You truly make my days so much better with all the love!


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